I'm going crazy!

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

My daughter started school about three weeks ago. She was doing well the first week but then she went to visit her dad (the N) and for some reason she does not want to go to school anymore. Matter of fact she doesn’t want to go anywhere with out me. I’m not sure whats going on. She screams “I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go!”; “not without my mommy!”. This is happening when she goes to school and daycare, and on monday when her father picked her up she did the same thing to him ( not wanting to go with him).

My son on monday’s pick up did not want to go with his dad and cried, his dad said he could stay with me but when my daughter said she did not want to go (she was screaming and crying) he started yelling at her and actually picked her up and threw her in the back seat… he did it so fast and he was mad at the time that I had to yell out watch out for her hand because she was trying to climb out of the car. I felt so sick when they drove away I was so scared for her.

About 20 min after they left he called me and asked me if the kids have been going to daycare and I said yes on friday because I had a doctors appt. He then said that it is cour ordered that they go to him when ever I go out without them. ( this is not true, when I have to go out three hours or more he gets them). Let me just say that the kids have only been to daycare once in three weeks.

When my daughter came back from her visit on monday she looked like she was in shock… very timid… scared… and withdrawn. She said he was yelling at her for not wanting to go with him and he kept asking her questions.

I feel like I am going crazy!! I quit my job so he would not have the time with the kids. Less time with him the better. I am so scared for my children and the thing is that many people don’t see vebal and mental abuse as abuse. Because it is hard to prove since it leaves no marks anyone could see.

My daughter tells me I am scared to leave you because you might not be here when I get home. What is that all about?? It does not seem to bother this man the damage he is doing to his own children. At our last court hearing he told me his family is friends with the judge and he has friends who know the gaurd in the court room. So stupid me gave in … and now I am afraid to work! I feel like all my goals are on hold because I do not want my children to be with him more then they have to be. I can’t find any help … anywhere. police can’t do anything. My lawyer can’t do anything. CPS can’t do anything. My daughters counsoler hasn’t called me back in two weeks. My friends and family can’t do anything. Domestic violace programs can’t help me. what do I do?? I really feel like he is making me go crazy.

#2

I’m at a loss and hesitant to makes any suggestions to what sounds like a volatile situation that I have no personal or first hand knowlege of. But, it does sound volatile, and from your other writings, your ex sounds like he has a history of violence. I would keep after all agencies,
CPS, police, the courts…don’t give up. Is there a social worker you can speak with? I would call anyone until I get some answers. If your counselor is not calling you back (it’s been two weeks?) you need to call another counselor or a hotline and keep calling until you get a professional on the phone. It appears your children are frightened and suffering. Your daughter says she doesn’t want to leave you and acts frightened to be with him and mentions you may not be there when she gets back…he’s obvisoulsy telling them you are going to “take off” or something…his intention may be to only paint you in a bad light but the result is he’s scaring the shit out of your kids. You say he is living w/ his mother? Is there any possibility of speaking w/ her to see what is going on? Probably not, but had to ask. Do you have any trustworthy freinds/neighbors that can check in on the kids when they are w/ him? Can you refuse to let him have the kids until or unless they stop expressing so much fear in being with him? It may be against the court papers or the divorce agreement, but you know what, as you can see agencies are slow to act…it could buy you some time. If they HAVE to be with him, I would call them to check in every hour they are with him. Drop in to say HI or to give the kids something they left at home…whatever the excuse. Tell your kids you are not going anywhere, EVER, that dad has some anger problems, that is has nothing to do with them, and that you are there for them ALWAYS. Document everything. Keep calling any agency you can. I would be on the phone day and night until I felt my kids were safe…and if I truly thought they were being emotionally or physcially abused and I could get no recourse officially in a timely manner…I would take them on a “long vacation” and continue my efforts from that location where I know they are safe. Rattle every cage you can. Don’t allow him to make you feel crazy, try feeling rightiously pissed off that he’s messing with your kids… he’s got some serious problems, that is obvious, concentrate on protecting your children at all costs. I would stress to officials that he may be dangerous…That’s your full time job right now…protecting your kids.

#3

oh…and if you have not done so already, call or visit the school asap’, speak to the teachers, the school nurse and/or school counselor and principal. Explain what has been going on. Ask for their observations/adivce. Document it. They have to report any suspicion of abuse also. And, when/if you have to give them to dad…make sure you have witnesses there to observe the children’s behavior and his behavior (they are crying the don’t want to go, he’s throwing them into the back of the car…techincially could be deemed child abuse right there) a freind or relative, someone who would testify on your behalf if it came to that. That way it’s not just his word against yours.

#4

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my very long post. His mother is worse than him. She would tell my daughter that she was her mother. It helps to have support from others like you … :slight_smile: thank you again

#5

Did you say how old your children are? have you asked your daughter if daddy is touching her in her private areas? Do you think she may be a victim of sexual abuse? The crying and your ex making her go with him and not your son is a red flag to me .I dont want to give you any more than you can bare but I"M feeling very uneasy about this.What do you think?

#6

Thank you for your concern. And yes my daughter did say a few things and that’s what started this custody battle and the fathers attack on me. The only thing is that when I took my daughter to get checked out by the doctor there was no evidence of that type of abuse.The sad thing and scary thing is that it is hard to prove touching and kissing. I am at a loss right now but I am always thinking of new ways to approach this. My daughter is 5 and my son is 3.

#7

hi. new to this forum but not to your situation. i hate to suggest it… but… have you considered calling your local department of child and family (DCF)services and having him investigated for sexual assault of your daughter? of course , this runs the chances of you also being invetigated but if you are not getting any help from anyone else. in any case, any reposrts must be investigated and followed up on. as long as you are certain that you do not have anything to worry about then maybe an investigation may produce evidence that your children are being abused while in his care and you can have his visits monitored if not stopped all together. this is a dangerous suggestion but one that you may need to consider. also, you could notify the family courts and request that a guardian ad litem be assigned to your children. a guardian ad litem is not assigned for you or your ex… they are supposed to represnt the children and what is in their best interest. usually, when DCF is involved, a guardian is assigned. I wish i could offer more advice. i hope that you and your children stay safe. watch out for yourself… he sounds as if he is dangerous. did you request that the court order him to undergo any therapy before setting your visitation agreement? also, whenever he is scheduled to pick up the kids… have someone waiting where they cannot be seen with a video camera to record how he treats the kids. i would also recomend the purchase of a mini tape recorder youcan keep in your pocket to record what is said during these interactions. take care

#8

If you tell the school counsler that you suspect that your daughter is being sexually abused I think that they have to report it.Tell them that she stated some things to you and that you took her to the doctor .They will take some action and at least you get the ball rolling and have someone on your side who is a professional .Judges listen to professionals.Another thing that sent me red flags was her fear of something happening to you.Sexual abusers use threats to keep them silient.Go with her and talk to the phycologist at her school.Do you go to a church ?If so does the church have counslers?I would ask your daughter if she has any secrets that she isnt supposed to tell.I think I would make it sound like a game or something like that so that she doest get scared.I dont want to make something out of nothing but when I was 7 years old I was raped and never told anyone untill I was 32.And I"M telling you something does not feel right to me here.You must not be silent! Talk untill someone listens who can help.

#9

Thank you for your response. I have talked to CPS already and they said they don’t take cases like mine because they are hard to prove in court. So I did not want further investigation from them since they said they couldn’t do anything… and if they contacted the father he would retaliate and they still would not be able to help me. so instead of taking the chance of more aggressive abuse from the father I did not proceed with CPS. This is why I feel so stuck and don’t know where to turn but I am working on a few new ideas. This is so upsetting because there are so many parents going through the same type of abuse and they have no support either.

jacy npd-cpt5904@lists.careplace.com wrote:

#10

Dsanchez,my heart goes out to you for having to watch your children go through this. I’m in the same boat and helpless to keep my kids from their emotionally abusing dad. I have found that verbal and emotional abuse is extremely difficult to prove. No one wants to give you the time of day about it as far as the court system goes. You feel like you’re climbing an endless mountain and everyone thinks that you’re just as crazy as your ex. I mean regular people just don’t understand how a human being can’t feel empathy, or care about their own child (only out to use them). They’ve never had to deal with this on a personal level so therefore it must not be true. This is the feedback that I feel I get anyway. Every day you see your children get more and more emotionally unstable and no one wants to help or be bothered. Reading the post on these boards and realizing that there are many of us out there, why is this a non issue? Why do the courts not care to see this disorder for what it is? They just hand our children over to the narcissists with their blessings. I fought this last court battle with my ex with everything in me. Starting with the court appointed evaluator. What a joke! She had her mind made up when she met with my ex and his new wife first (who btw is 13 years younger than he- had to marry her young and naive) I had emails, documentation, stories, references (which she never bothered to call) you name it. My kids went from being with me the majority of the time to shared custody–one week here, one week there because of her recommendation. I see my daughter slowly slipping away from me, being brainwashed and manipulated and my son becoming an emotional wreck with invisible scars that will never heal. These are precious human beings, innocent children who no one will help you defend. What is the answer? We just have to keep plugging away. Keep fighting. Our children need us. If you want to talk to someone who understands the situation with your kids because I’m going through it, email me. Stay strong!

#11

I am in the process of writing letters to news stations and news papers in my area to get it out there about verbal and mental abuse. There are so many people going through the same thing as me. There has never been a custody battle won because of verbal and mental abuse… that I could find. I have a few contacts wanting to help me and if you guys would like to help this disorder get noticed let me know. I just can’t sit here and see the same thing happening to so many other men, women, and most of all our children. I think a big problem is that the mediator’s that have to make such a decision for the children are not qulified to do so. Thank you all so much for your support and your words of wisdom. let me know what you think of this idea. thanks

#12

Does anyone ever feel like they are wrong? Like it is just in their
head? I go through this sometimes and that is
why I go back for more. Then the feeling comes over me that I just
can’t describe, but maybe someone else
knows how to describe it… You feel feelings that you
don’t feel with other people…
On Sep 14, 2007, at 1:33 PM, dsanchez650 wrote:

#13

I feel this way all the time. That’s why I joined groups. I do know that it is NOT OK for someone verbally or mentally abuse another. I know that its not OK for a mother or father to abuse a child in any way shape or form. it is not OK! Many times I feel that if something was really wrong everyone else would see it too. But this is not the case. this disorder is not well know through out the legal system but does this mean its not happening? No it doesn’t.
And the feeling you might be talking about has a word (brainwashed). Its kind of like a system; he/she gets mad or you get mad or hes/shes caught cheating or you do and not matter what you know the out come the sob story or the lies… it could even be the switch we it not him/her its you. What ever the situation is you know the out come most of the time.

bup npd-cpt5904@lists.careplace.com wrote:

#14

My father and brother abused me my whole life. That is for
certain. It was subordinate abuse. I was or will never be equal to
them. It just makes me so sad. They don’t know who they missed out
on…Someone really special, they have flushed down the toilet,
and the sad part is, they don’t care…The NOT CARING IS WHAT
GETS ME THE MOST CRAZY!

On Sep 14, 2007, at 1:55 PM, dsanchez650 wrote:

#15

I have a few contacts wanting to help me and if you guys would like to help this disorder get noticed let me know.

My heart goes out to you, so many horror stories about child custody, some women loosing their children because of N’s ability to manipulate the courts some women staying to protect their children, I was reading this and wondering what can we do, so many lives destroyed by something that even mental heath professionals are reluctant to even talk about let alone diagnose. I believe that 99 % of the women that are killed by their partners have this disorder. This all comes under domestic violence, and not taking the rights of women and children seriously. I am an animal lover, but Michael Vic could have gotten away with beating his partner or wife in front of his children, and been in no trouble at all, he would still be playing football. Where do we begin to change the attitudes and minds of society and the courts about emotional violence, it kills and destroys the hearts and minds of all involved in it. I would be willing to do anything, point me in the direction, put our heads together and come up with some ideas, E-mail every one of our representives in washington. Any one else have any ideas post, I will help do anything. So sorry for all of you going through this. Hugs maolie

#16

Yes, that’s what the narcissistic abuser is good at: making you think it’s YOU.

The narcissistic abuser BANKS on the fact you will keep his abuse a secret, because if other people hear about it, you will see their reactions like “He did WHAT???” and all of a sudden you will see his abuse for what it is, and his spell over you will be broken.

That’s why you aren’t allowed to have friends. That’s why every new friend you make is supposedly out to break up your relationship. That’s why every new acquaintance supposedly just wants to sleep with you. Because a new person in your life means another chance for someone to blow his cover.

He BANKS on you defending his behavior. He BANKS on you bending over backwards to see it from his perspective. Because then you come to believe he is right after all, that you are the bad guy.

The feeling of disorientation, of not being able to follow what he is saying when he is angry at you, his refusal to spell out why he is angry at you - THERE’S YOUR SIGN. Because if he spelled out a real reason for screaming in your face, then that would be something you two could set to work on - and then he wouldn’t have a secret weapon anymore, see?

Hope this helps someone.

bup npd-cpt5904@lists.careplace.com wrote:

#17

I would love to shed light on the terrible price the children of N’s have to pay, and get some notice on this issue to the court systems, media, etc. I have just never known where to start. Count me in on anything!!

#18

You aren’t ‘wrong’…You just keep going back because you want the Experience…:o)

bup npd-cpt5904@lists.careplace.com wrote:

#19

Tell me what I can do,I"M in too.

#20

My narcissists are my brother and my father, so I felt that I had to
go back. I am at peace with my brother. I will
never be hurt by him again because I know he is incapable of loving
me. I will get a team of lawyers if he tries to steal from me again.
My father I have not
figured out. I want to not be abused, and I think I know how, by
cutting him off right after his digs and calling him
on it every time. I have been doing that, and he has been hating it,
but I have no other choice.
On Sep 14, 2007, at 9:21 PM, bonniediamond wrote: