Just a general rant

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I’ve lost my friends. I have no privacy. I can have no boundaries. No personal space. I feel my human rights are constantly violated and under attack. I’ve lost my ability to trust and believe anything. I’ve been purposefully confused. I’ve been deceived. My emotions and feelings do not matter.

I dont matter to this person and I just cant seem to accept that its possible that somebody could just not care. Just once I’d like for him to give a crap about the damage he’s done.

I’ve been isolated. Devalued. Disrespected. And tossed away.

And it sucks to not matter.

#2

Thats sadly all too familiar. Anyone dealing with NPD is going to end up with a lot of feelings like that. Wanting the ex in my life to recognize the importance of my feelings caused me all sorts of pain.

#3

Undone,

Please keep writing. I have personally found your posts to be very helpful.

I know this forum is so substitution for face-to-face friendship so I don’t want in anyway to sugar coat your feelings and try to pretend on online forum is like being in the 3-D world.

Please know that many of us understand you.

You mentioned human rights and I think that is a great way to think about the effects of NPD. We honestly should be able to call Amnesty International. Okay I am only half-way joking, but some of these stories are reading from the posts are Amnesty worthy complaints.

Nat

#4

Thankyou! I’ll try. =)

#5

You said it so brilliantly and to the point. Living with an NPD for many years, I can tell you from experience that the frustration you feel is normal. I share the frustration even between your words. I hear your hurt deep down in your soul. The most difficult thing that I have learned is “Don’t be a victim.” This is the worst thing you can do. Self pity will get you no where with an N. It will eat away your self-respect, your positive attitude about life, your willingness to develop as a person. Standing up for yourself will make you strong.
kstrat

#6

Thanks for that Kstrat!!! I am no longer a victim of it but it still feels like one. I have thrown myself many pity parties and it is a hard habit to break. Letting go of the thoughts is hard to do and its an obsessive habit.

#7

You expressed the words I know my daughter must feel about her STBX, he made her and the rest of us feel exactly that way. He does not care about anything or anyone but himself and his N family, they are all twisted in their mentality of how to treat people. They don’t respect you or accept any responsiblity for the pain and drama they cause, it is never their fault, and it is such BS…It sucks but one day, one day he is going to meet the wrong person and he will pay for the mess he left behind.

I feel bad for you because I know exactly what you are going through, it is hard to think that you do not matter to someone that you cared so deeply about. It makes you question your trust in everyone you encounter, and that is no way to live. I hate that he changed my daughter into someone I did not know, but thank god she is away from him and gradually getting back to her old self, but she still hates him for what he has done to her and her children.

Just remember Karma is a you know what.

Keep your chin up we know exactly how you feel, we have all felt your pain…Sending you a hug in cyberspace.

#8

I find myself having flashbacks of the past. I hate the fact that I cannot forgive. I hold on to resentment even though most critical situations happened years ago. Why can’t I let go and forgive? I think I was and still am overwhelmed by the fact that anyone could possibly be so self-centered, thoughtless, egotistical, immature, confident, and insecure all at the same time. NPD’s are truly an enigma. Even after all these years, my NPD still says and does things unexpectedly cruel when you know that most sixth graders should know better. I always hear from him that his motives were never and are never to hurt me. I believe this. He never thinks of my feelings. How does one deal with such thoughtlessness and ever have a healthy relationship based on trust, a good marriage, equal communication, without constant argumentation and conflict? If you have some answers or even insights, please help. At times I feel that he has ruined and wasted my life.

#9

Kstrat,

You mentioned that it is difficult to let go and forgive. I am dealing with that too. The great thing that I have learned from this group is that forgiveness is really hard and extremely common amongst people who are dealing with Narcs. I feel better knowing that it isn’t just something I am challenging with.

The stories of why people get this disorder are heartbreaking. My dad was beaten and terrorized by his alcoholic father. He also had to witness his father beat his mother and older sister. We think that my dad’s older sister (my aunt) was also molested by my grandfather. She died from a drug overdose.

My Narc dad had a very difficult childhood and he certainly never wanted or asked for NPD. The kids of my dad and aunt (my cousins and I) grew up in a family with alcoholism and sexual abuse, but none of us have NPD.

It sounds like the person with NPD in your life was a spouse, or a former spouse. I am just guessing that his or her childhood was also rough.

I definitely sympathize with you wanting to forgive. The person in your life didn’t ask to have NPD just like people don’t intentionally get childhood diabetes.

The difficult with people with NPD is that once you have forgiven them for one thing, then they do two other cruel things so it feels like one step forward and two steps back. I have forgiven my Dad for a lot of my childhood stuff. I have a harder time forgiving him for what he has done in the last year.

One of the reasons I am doing the no contact rule with my Dad is because I don’t want to know what kind of craziness he is up to that is going to piss me off.

People on this site have been suggesting some readings and other online spaces to deal with forgiveness. I have been checking those out. (Thank you everybody!)

I am still learning the forgiveness part so hopefully other people will write you back that have more expertise in this area.

In terms of what you said about enigma, that might be easier for me to deal with. The one thing that all the psychological reading has helped me do is predict the Narc’s behavior. Now they don’t seem like enigmas at all.

Nat

#10

Dear Kstrat,

Your pain is apparent in your writing (I’m sorry that you are hurting). What I think/feel is that the reason why we or a part of us keeps holding on to the pain caused by N’s could be a defense mechanism. After being away from N’s for a while we realize how much better off we are without them. Then we start wondering why did we ever get into a relationship with them in the first place.

Anger and confusion mixed, eh?! I think we sub consciously want to remember what N’s are so that we can protect ourselves from getting involved with another N in the future.
N or not this person did a lot of mean things to you and the way I see it is that you do not have to forgive them. Why are you causing yourself so much anxiety? I think ,you think that forgiveness will bring you closure. Knowledge should bring you the closure you need. You are Not a bad person if you cannot forgive your N.

You just have to forgive yourself. There are times when I get really bummed because I cannot understand why I put up with so much for such a crappy person. Then I have to remind myself that he is what he is but I need to forgive myself that I fell for his game/act.

To expect ‘normal’ things from an N is the same as expecting your TV to do so and trust me the TV has a better chance of being thoughtful/supportive than an N :wink:

Hope you feel better. Keep smiling.

Nancy

#11

nice one fancynancy…the old unconscious wants something completeley different from our conscous self…what a battle that im sure we will win in the end.

#12

Thank you to all who responded to my rant. The support means so much!

#13

a agree with fancynancy on this one…forgiveness is so inportant,and not being able to forgive is a great barrier.
forgiveness to me,is letting go of past hurts…the pain…and the resentment…its a giving thing that i truly feel is from the "higher self"so to speak…the person that can rise above the abuse…to true emotional freedom…!

#14

Forgiveness does seem to be a release from many things but it seems impossible when some of the things they do is so horrible.

#15

It was hard for me to forgive someone that treated me so badly. It was hard forgive someone who didn’t care or wasn’t sorry and had no plans to alter her behavior in any way. Why should I forgive? What happened was wrong and I didn’t deserve it.

Thats what kept me angry for so long. I eventually decided that all those thing were just hurting myself. I felt a lot better afterwards. It didn’t happen overnight though. Finding forgiveness took a long time and several failed attempts. It was a hard place to reach.

#16

this is a test of the emergencymoderatorbraocastsystem. This is only a test. Some people are having problems posting and responding.

#17

it looks like your responses are showing up now… if you didn’t get the responses to your pm I apologize. Careplace likes to eat them lately.

#18

undone… to err is human, to forgive divine is something I try to keep in mind.
and
The stupid neither forgives nor forgets; the naive forgives and forgets; the wise forgives but never forgets." T Szasz

#19

hi all. hope you are all doing well. just reviewed this post and wanted to share my view on the forgiveness issue. after 9 years with my N and one year of seperation, my divorce is final. BUT, he still calls and tries to weasel his way into my life. he never tries to continue contact… he only wants to be sure that i am still there. when he does call i only answer if i am in a safe place; emotionally. he claims to love me, miss me …all the usual crap. he gets mad when i dont answer or call him back. he stopped trying to bully me when i put my foot down and refused to talk to him. anyway, for a while i talked to him and said what he wanted to hear and then let him down just to piss him off! i had no intention of not following through with the divorce but told him differently just ot mess with his head. he would cry and beg; the usual. i liked seeing him sad, remebering the nine years he cheated, lied, manipulated, humiliated and punished me. it was nice to have the power for a change. or so i thought. no matter how much fun i thought i was having, my inability to forgive him is what kept me still shackled to him. if i could not forgive i could not let go! so, as hard as it has been, i am still trying to forgive so that i can be completely free. on a closing note remeber that when you truly forgive someone you never mention or think of the deed that was forgiven again. you let it go, completely and forever. that is true forgiveness and will take much time to complete. good luck all

#20

Yes!..forgiveness brings complete freedom…my bro and myself verbally gave opur forgiveness to our N father…it empowered us…he did not know how to"get his head around"that one…as they cannot forgive…this is a concept that they cant deal with…if only they could have forgiven their mother/father years ago,they…may not have given us a hard time…!BUT…i thing everyone on this site has gained a lot from the experiences somehow…when we "forgave"it was as if all his years of "tyrranny:were pointless…magic does happen with forgiveness…letting go…i truly believe that.it frees us and converseley,frees the…