Managing People's Expectations of Me

Depression
#1

That’s right - expectations - we all have them… whether we know realize it or not, and whether we care to acknowledge it or not… they’re there… much like the topic of judgments… expectations can destroy the good and cause us to ignore the bad at times…

I was just thinking of this topic this morning - people have grown to expect things from me - things which I can not and should not offer at this point in my life, but have offered in the past (and which have made me very unhealthy through my own unintentional doing)… I finally have realized I have put other’s thoughts / feelings / problems / lives ahead of my own… oh, the trouble this has caused me in my life, the suffering, and the difficulty! Talk about a barrier between myself and wellness!

I am doing significant work to overcome this “deficit” in my life… while doing this very difficult work, I find that more and more people are “disappointed” and feeling that I am “not meeting their expectations” … I have lost so-called “friends,” several people have expressed their extreme displeasure with me (how dare I focus on my own wellness, instead of theirs?), and others have been downright irrational - however, this is NOT my issue, though it’s caused me pain in some instances… and it’s taking a lot to realize that, accept it, not feel guilt about it, and change my life for the better…

I wondered how many of us encounter this, and how you have worked in the past / present to change your life for the better, and change people’s “over the top” expectations of you (whether you have previously encouraged, intentionally or UNintentionally, those expectations or not)?

I am also trying to recognize (and therefore change / end) my own expectations of others, as I am sure they are as unfair to them as their expectations are of me at this point!

Thank you for your input :slight_smile:

#2

Spiritriver, your words give us much to think about, as always. You are a very wise person.

Jade, that was beautiful, like you, a true gem.

#3

What if you can’t live up to societies expectations you know what society thinks you are supposed to do like get a job make something of yourself get married have kids

#4

(Expectations:) Recommended reading~ Change Your Thoughts,Change your Life by Dr. Wayne Dyer.We are all programmed to a certain degree by parents, teachers,elders, and role models.Most of this is unconcious until we decide to delve into the way we think and how it effects our relationships with others. A lot of our patterns of (expectations) can be moderated so as to lead to a less stressful environment and workplace. Not everyone will accept changes easily.For example:I have a friend who took a secretarial job in a large corporation. They (expected) her to put on the morning coffee. She went to her boss and reminded him that she wasn,t being paid for domestic work. They fired her. But she was happier not having to put on thier coffee.
I do have a few (expectations) of those around me.They are small but important to me. Kindness,politeness and honesty. At least then I now where I stand. And then we all have the choice of walking away from that which is unpleasent for us. You can (expect) change for yourself, but don,t ( expect ) it of others.

#5

??? I don’t get your response to this forum, Gramms ??? - NOW I get it :slight_smile:

This forum posting is about my changing my life significantly for the better by acknowledging and ridding myself of expectations - and it’s about me always striving to do, be, and feel better :slight_smile:

I’m wondering how others have accomplished the same thing - as pertaining to unrealistic expectations of them by others, or even our unrealistic expectations of ourselves.

#6

Ooooohhhhhh Punky,
You picked a dilly of a topic. Expectations, hey they can kill a personality, shut out people, confuse the masses, and reflect our wants. I find that under the mantle of expectations, judgments are made if these expectations are not met. I find I take on too much, then find myself in high stress attempting to get it all done. Since my illness is chronic, I have had to step away from things that once were average actions for me. My illness has not lessened the expectations that others have of me. I feel like a failure much of the time due to my inability to do the things I use to do. I am working, as you say, at developing better skills and less expectations myself. It is hard to be yourself when everyone is trying to make you into something else. a paraphrase from e.e.comings Thanks for the great topic. as always I reserve the right to change my mind as I grow and evolve, and learn more. smile~

#7

We all have to put our health above all else, we know that. People’s expectation of us and our own expectations of us, as we used to be, have to be lowered to accommodate how we are feeling, there are just no two ways about it. If we are not feeling well, we cannot do anything for anyone else. Take care of your health first because without it, you don’t have anything.

I can remember “old” people saying this when I was very young and never understanding what they meant until I was much older; now I know.

#8

Ah River - I hear you! I, too, have taken on too much in the past, and really ended up in a pickle because of that! Expecting too much of myself - surely I do that and am trying to be better about it… it’s a long road, but I’m taking it a step at a time.

Feeling like a failure - yes, as a perfectionist, boy, do I feel that pain!!! I have to keep remembering that THE TRYING ALONE ASSURES THAT I AM NOT A FAILURE… you should remember the same… we’re not giving up or giving in, we’re still trying, and that = success!!!

I laugh to myself sometimes because I have surrounded myself with people who expect more from ME than they do from THEMSELVES… how did that happen?

Sigh - I’m a work in progress… check back with me later and see if I’m NEW and IMPROVED :wink: Or just dull and boring :wink:

Lindy - you are right - health first! I have put myself, my feelings, and my health aside for the benefit of others for my entire life - recently, after having ended two “friendships” (one of 21 years, and one of 5 years) because I was allowing them to make me ill, I am reevaluating EVERYTHING with care to relationships because it’s important not to get stagnant and to deal with things as they happen… I am finally realizing that I allowed their unrealistic expectations of me (and “punishments” when I didn’t meet their expectations) to control me and am still feeling the detrimental affects to my health… therefore TIME TO REVAMP!

Who’s with me? :wink:

#9

If I choose to invest time, love and energy into a friendship/person, why am I doing it? 

 

Do I have expectations also?

 

If this person accepts the gifts I offer, thanks me, then ignores me, what is my next move?  How should I feel about it? 

 

If I continue offering gifts, and they are accepted, with about the same response as before, should I be surprised? 

 

Essentially, I have taught this person to expect a giving behavior from me, even without any form of reciprocal appreciation. 

 

If one day, I am unable or choose not to continue the giving, is it a surprise that this person protests the breach of “implied contract?”

 

Does it irritate me if my expectation of appreciation is not met? 

 

How many times do I have to experience this lack of appreciation before I decide the relationship is not fruitful and perhaps even damaging to my self-esteem?

 

Conditional love = expectations.

 

Both the user and the used have them.

 

Feeling disregarded sucks!

 

As Mother Theresa suggested, Love those who will not or cannot love in return.  That kind of Love increases courage and strength, while nurturing a tender heart. 

 

We do need love and appreciation, and we need to be willing to love and appreciate others.  If someone is not willing to reciprocate, move on… without malice, hurt or blame.  That person doesn’t have what you are seeking, therefore let them go, and don’t blame them for being who/what they are. 

 

Spiritual and emotional maturity evolves in each of us…or in some cases, maybe not. 

 

Without adequate development of those aspects, one is like a baby or egocentric child, perceiving self as center of the universe, even if grace and generosity is being portrayed.  

 

In such a person, “appreciation” is only a behavior performed as a means to an end. 

 

“Forgive them, Father.  They really don’t know what they are doing.”

 

Sometimes it’s better to be alone, or with Nature for companionship.  Some alone time is needed. 

 

Love of self is essential for genuine Love for others. 

 

Unconditional Love is it’s own reward.  No need for expectations.  

 

A friend cannot be “made.”  One can only be recognized by demonstrated virtue, and integrity. 

 

Love and hugs to my Careplace friends, Aaron

#10

I don't know why I'm writing here. I'm not exactly little Miss Sunshine right now. I should probably crawl under the snow bank and hibernate for the winter. I realized something this week: I'm too fucking busy. Seriously.

Somebody pass me a happy pill, please!! :)

Sometimes people come into our lives and stay with us until our dying day. Sometimes they sneak in and out faster than we can see the profound impact they've made on who we are. And sometimes we don't even notice.

I've been thinking lately of the people in my life, the ones who are priceless to me. I often wonder what amazing things I must have done in my sleep (or in a past life if we have them) to deserve such incredible people surrounding me. I believe in the power of 'my' true girlfriends, I have a total of 4. I am empowered by the beauty I see in my girlfriends on a daily basis. There is something sacred about the relationship between women. My closest girlfriend is 'Punky' .. she knows such intimate details about who I am and what I have done in my life, and she hold's these intimacies safe within her heart.

I know I am a strong person, and I am strong because I am lifted up by the love I have from 'my' true friends!!! One of the unique blessing's I have grown to completely love and cherish in our friendship ~ Is ~ WE don't live on 'expectations' ~ we accept the gift of crossing path's and building one of the strongest friendships known to womankind.

I believe that all people help build our hearts. Forget the cells and the tissue and the blood. My heart is formed by the impressions that others have left with me. Each pair of hands has helped mold my heart, making it bigger and bigger with each addition, only ending in infinity. When someone enters my heart, they stay there forever. They will always be a part of me, even when they leave. There are some people in my life I am certain will be there forever.

I've known my best friend since 2nd grade - Michael is one of the friends in my life I know I can count on under 'all' circumstances , good or horrible ~ he's a rare species. We've, of course, faced our challenges, but these are bonds I will never break. We may lose our way sometimes, but they will always be a part of me.

Then there are people who have played small supporting roles in the play of my life. They entered when I needed them most, and passed along when I blinked. Still, they are forever here. And some people haven't been in my life for very long, relatively speaking, but I already know they have completely helped make me who I am today. One gentleman in particular, his name is Tommy, he lives with Crohn's ~ and inspires me each and every day. He's a good solid friend , wise and strong , determined and steady , focused and sincerely caring. He has shown me such grace even tho I almost bet he's  oblivious to the impact. He gave me strength when I didn't have any left to share. I am absolutely the person I am today because of the 'no - pressure' friendships I have! He will always be with me - I have no idea how long he'll be in my life, but it doesn't matter. He has brought such joy and happiness already, and shown me once again how to enjoy life.

I must have been a saint in a past life because I sure do have four of the most beautiful people with me now. They are the priceless jewels that will forever be locked in the treasure chest of my heart. I am forever grateful.

I literally have no point. I can't find a place on my body that is truly pointy. Unless I point my toes like I'd been trained to do in ballet for so many years.I need to pee.

(I Love you Punky)

~ Jade ~ 

"Let go, let flow." (I heard that in a movie, and it has become like a mantra for me.)

 

#11

Once again Spirit you speak with calm peace and it is always so easy to hear.Hug
I just love your head Punky for nudging the ole brain with your great topic. Real juice for the mind. hug. As I look at myself, I see such failure, to live up to the expectations of me, it makes loving yourself extra hard when you fail yourself, and makes unconditional love of priceless value.

#12

How much do I love this thread… let me count the ways… oh I can’t count that high!!!

:wink:

Seriously, though, I am enjoying hearing from each and every one of you regarding your thoughts, feelings, ideas about expectations… this is such a crucial element in my life right now, and something about which I have many thoughts. Everything each of you has written is so amazing, interesting, and educational for me - and I appreciate it!

Aaron’s response was especially thought provoking today (and yes, the others were also :wink: ) - as, yes, I have realized that I gave and gave and gave to people who didn’t really give back, and therefore they expected from me exactly what I had offered to them for all this time… that was okay for a long time, because I didn’t give to them with the expectation of receiving THE SAME THING back from them (I gave because I wanted to and because I felt love for those people)… but what I did expect (I now realize) was honest, fairness, and decency, NONE of which I did receive… so, see, THERE THEY WERE - expectations that I had and was unaware of - and expectations that were truly unrealistic for me to have as those people had never shown me honesty, fairness, or decency, so what was I thinking???

It is so healthy (but not easy) for me to let go of the people who have been in my life as nothing more than takers, and yet, I need to also consider how they got into my life (I ALLOWED / INVITED THEM) and why I allowed them to stay for so long… therein lies the “whoomp there it is” moment :wink:

I am having trouble with the Golden Rule… I treat others as I wish to be treated, and yet, often times, I do not get treated as I wish to be… another expectation? Surely!!! But not an unfair expectation - at least not in my mind.

So here’s the thing - apparently, I / we can’t get away from expectations completely - unless we’re God or saints, and I surely don’t qualify - so I need to develop and nurture healthy, reasonable, attainable expectations… I just need to figure out how to apply that concept in my every day life… actually I NEED TO REMEMBER IT! It’s easy to think and type it now, but it’s not so easy to remember and practice in my “life”.

Thank you for keeping this thread going - I think it is very important and has awesome concepts in it :slight_smile:

#13

I learned something about the Golden Rule: It has certainly changed. I was apprised of the change from an African American social worker who came to our school to give us a lecture on diversity and test our knowlege. It now goes, “Treat others as THEY would like to be treated.” Meaning, just because you would like to be treated a certain way, doesn’t mean that others would like to be treated that same way. Learn how others want to be treated and treat them that way. Something new that I learned that day…

#14

Oh Punkster it is a great thread, C-saw as usual it’s well stated simple and true. Nothing lasts and it is our clinging to and refusal to surrender that brings us suffering. When I am able to walk a middle ground, with my self in tact it becomes much easier to SEE this simplicity. I allow my mind to become cluttered like my room is of late. Pleasing people because you want to vs needing to becomes a fine line, especially after some time has passed. The expected becomes the norm to the taker rather than the kindness it is.

#15

A recent reading in my daybook was called "Saying Yes When We Mean No"
We’ve all done that, because we don’t want to disappoint others. But, in the process of doing that, we lose ourselves.

For most of my life, I was constantly weighing what i was going to say against what i thought the other person wanted me to say. I would do that with ANYONE i wanted to stay close to me. And, of course, it never worked, because, in the end, all of us are alone, everyone leaves us.

All people live their own lives. Sometimes they will enter your life, and your paths will flow together for some time. Other times they merely brush the edges of your life as they pass by.

tidings of goodwill to all,

c-saw

#16

So true! I'm sure so many of us have.

In trying to find, and then maintain, a healthy middle ground, I have been shocked (though I don't know why) at how much anger and cruelty has been directed toward me by some people who are (actually WERE) a part of my daily life! Boy, these people do NOT like change, and they surely do not like it when the change is not specifically to their benefit.

I knew I would have a rough road with changing after all the years of being the same old "me", but I had no idea how hateful some people would / could be that I was trying to get healthy - it really impacts them in ways I never suspected! Now that I have begun to say no (politely) after years of saying yes, I have been met with everything from stunned silence to being called a selfish jerk to having people scream at me and tell me they never want to see me again to extreme verbal abuse. When I have indicated to people I cared about that there are issues with our relationships that we need to address and that I would like to work on (now, mind you, I have always "taken it" before and never spoken up / out about things that were upsetting me, because I didn't want to hurt the other person), several people have taken incredible offense and headed out the door... it certainly wasn't the way I presented the information - I was very kind, concerned, caring, and decent when speaking about the issues, while also accepting personal responsibility for my part in the issues, and indicating a willingness to work WITH the other person to resolve the issues - it's the mere fact that I presented the information AT ALL.

It's been a sad, frustrating, disappointing, emotional, very slowly fulfilling, hard road - but it will be worth it - after all, that which we fight hardest for and means the most to us feels the best in the end when we fulfill those goals... or am I sounding too Dr. Phil-ish? ;)

Anyway - what travels I have had, and what travels lie ahead!!!! WOW... sometimes I have no energy to do all the hard, hard work that lays before me - and I often have to take breaks... and yet, I know that I have to do it (no one else is going to), and it's best for me and those I love... sure wish it was a little easier sometimes, though!!!

#17

Punky, are you the pleaser in your family? I always was, I say was as I stepped away from the expected role to become an independent me and have never made it. Not that I am considered a child but my choices should suit them their time schedules and choices. I have no children so my life is totally flexable, free, and empty of plans that can’t be changed according to them. I want MY life and haven’t a clue what I even like, I’ve eaten what and where someone else wanted to so long I really don’t know what I want to eat. Soap, who decided this is the brand we use, I didn’t, yet I repeatedly blindly buy it? I’ve been told as a wee child I would be told “make yourself easy to hold”, and I’d adjust until they were ok.
So it was ingrained in me from birth. Standing up on my own, staying instead of running, standing up for me, are all skills I am learning . All these deficits are results of expectations… GREAT EXPECTATIONS…LOL

#18

Yes, River, absolutely - that’s me! My life’s role, since birth, was taught to me in a very negative and unhealthy manner.

I am just learning to break free of the role I have been trained for my entire life! It appears we are on this journey together - and, while I am sorry for the suffering you have been through, I appreciate that you understand my dilemmas and that we are going through this together.

I have all the faith that we can make it - we just have to keep learning and trying. I have found that one of the BEST ways I can become healthier is to remove the people from my life who were directly responsible for my “training” - this may sound awful, but it’s not, it’s healthy. I have given each of them ample opportunity to respect me and to grow with me, but they feel they cannot, and if I change my “role” in their life, they become abusive to me - so - I hit the road, Jack! And I am so much better off for it!!! (Yes, there’s pain and grieving with these losses, but there is also greater understanding of myself, and a much healthier body, mind, and self :slight_smile: ) I wish them all the best, and hope they find health and happiness, but will no longer allow them to control and destroy me. This is a really important step of my journey to health and wellness!

#19

Sadly enough my greatest teacher of servitude to others is my Mother. She being the Boss, to have a place in my family requires I take up that yoke and wear it till they die. It is the realization of how I’ve allowed myself to arrive at this state that is so hard to face. Almost a Stockholm syndrome, LOL, I must surrender myself to be accepted. Between a rock and a hard place I think they call this. LOL the Holidays will be a telling tell for me, and i fear I will lose. To love so much the ones who hurt you is maddening. My love for them is the permission they need. I live I learn I keep learning. Long Journey, interesting scenery, glad you are with me.
smile~

#20

River - this is the first holiday in two years that I think I might be up to the challenge of being around my abusers - on both sides of the family.

I think (I don’t KNOW, but I THINK) I will be able to stand up for myself, and KNOW that I will be able to LEAVE if I feel I can’t handle it.

Of course, I still have a little over a week to back out, and I might, but I might NOT… and that’s really my goal this year… to be able to make this decision for MYSELF and then stick with it, come what may… the important thing is that I am putting MYSELF first in a way I never have by saying “I want to be with the rest of my family whom I have avoided due to the abusers’ presence, and, instead of hiding from you abusers, I am going to see my family whether you’re there or not, and YOU CAN’T STOP ME.” and I’ll try to leave out the nah nah nah nah boo boo :wink:

Previously, I have always just said “If the abusers are going to be there, I am NOT going to be there.” But, while I thought that was standing up, that was backing down (for me in my life), and was giving those abusers what they want, only in a different way.

Wish me luck - as I wish you all the best for the holidays - I know these times are even harder than other days.