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I’ve been with a man who I am certain has NPD. Mind you, this is my own diagnosis, after being with him for nearly 3 years. From what I’ve read, Im convinced that this is what he is/has. I am trying, AGAIN, to break free. I’ve kicked him out of my house, for the third time. He’s cheated on me several times. He’s lied to me probably more times than I even know. He is verbally abusive, and it’s worse when he drinks. BUT, he can be so helpful and loving - he would do anything for me, sometimes. He hates that I have friends, and discourages me from seeing or doing things with them. He lies about his job and his finances, he doesn’t pay child support and gets paid in cash so there’s no tracking. He has NO FRIENDS. Just me, I’m his ‘whole world’ and all that matters to him. What about your kids??!?! I’m a mess trying to get over him. I’m trying to hard to be strong. He’s pleaded with me to take him back, says he’ll stop drinking, he will change, blah blah. I know he cant. I know he’s horrible for me. But I feel so sad and empty without him. Help.
Hi. I’m Chris (male) and getting a divorce after 8 years. I can’t call them “happy” years, although the divorce isn’t exactly my idea. I’ve read a bit about personality disorders and see a lot of my wife there, but also see some of myself there too. When I look at our behavior objectively then she would fall under the label of narcissistic while I would be the co-dependent. But I think she thinks I’m the “disturbed” person. It’s rare that we communicate at all and even when we do it’s via email. I certainly admit that I’ve been less functional as the years have gone by, but I think the emotional demands of the relationship may be somewhat responsible for this. She’s an actress and we were living in L.A. (expensive) and it sort of expected that I would earn much of our keep. Just a few months earlier I’d been a serious car accident that put me in a coma for a coule weeks. I was released from the hospital after a 10 week stay in which I had to re-build my atrophied muscles and re-learn to walk. I hadn’t fully recovered when I had to be responsible for maintaining our apartment rent as well as other expenses including my wife’s expensive acting classes. She also had/has body issues and so she was seeing janet jackson’s nutritionist ($$$) and spending tons on supplements, etc. When I’d ask her to find a job and help contribute to our expenses she’d cray and wail and I’d feel so guilty that I’d end up relenting. AFter a few years I called her on this manipulatively teary display and the performance halted for a moment as she appeared to try to figure out how to find her footing again. Anyway, years of this caused my symptoms to worsen. I started to develop some severe sleep distrubance symptoms (which my wife resented because they disturbed her sleeping in). I also had gastrointestinal trouble (stress symptoms). I preferred to think this was residual stuff from the car accident I was in, but it was alway aggrivated by stress, and my marriage was stressful. Once I came home from work and passed out I summoned the courage to put my foot down and told her I couldn’t keep this up any longer and I wanted to go back to my parent’s home in a different state and get my health straightened out. She begged my to reconsider and I stayed. But after a year I told her she could stay if she wanted, but I was leaving. She came with me. Even though I was free of the stress of living in L.A. and paying rent I was still married, stressed, and not getting any better. AFter a couple years my wife was having a premiere of the one movie she was able to do opening in L.A. and I told her that she should go out there for it and lay all the groundwork to capitalize on the premiere and finally land an agent - something that had eluded her for our 5 years in LA. She stayed with friends instead of getting an apartment as I didn’t see any reason for that until she got her agent. I paid for everything to help her lay the groundwork (new headshots, online resume services, new clothes, going to the salon, etc.) The premiere happened and she didn’t land an agent and then she became very cold towards me. She eventually asked me if she could get this apartment in L.A. and when I asked her about her prospects in landing an agent because I didn’t see the point in going back to L.A. without one, she told me that our lives were going in two different directions. “is this about the apartment or something else?” “something else.” “are you talking about divorce?” “I don’t know.” I don’t mean to include every detail - 8 years worth. I’m sorry to drone on and on. She’s been in L.A. for over a year and it appears we’re headed for divorce. As horrible this has felt, my mind keeps reminding me that “this isn’t a bad thing.” Even though I feel bad my head keeps telling me it’s a relief. And my health has improved over the time she’s been gone. When I have to deal with the details of the divorce I sometimes feel stress symptoms still, but anyway, there it is. Thanks for reading all this - sorry it’s so long - I’ve actually condensed it considerably. I’m sure she thinks I’m the “diseased” one. She was reading “co-dependent no more” by beattie but I’m not a drinker and that book’s about being so co-dependent you put up with the abuse of living with an alcoholic. She got whatever she wanted except when I was too exhausted to continue working for her career in L.A. and she “had” to come back to live in my parent’s home with me. I’m not proud of that, but it was impossible to provide a home (not an apt.) in L.A. while I covered her acting classes and weight loss expenses (not to mention she had to buy all the right clothes and handbags that he rich working actor friends were wearing to class). My parents tried to make her feel welcome. She was so concerned with her body that my parent’s bought her her personal fridge so she could keep her personal foods there and not have to see all the “off-limits” food my parents ate. I think it must’ve been tough living with an often physically ill person, but I think that much of those symptoms were a byproduct of our horrible relationship. I’m trying to look at it objectively but it’s a subjective p.o.v. regardless. That’s why I present this account to y’all in the hopes of getting yoru thoughts. Am I crazy?
I am a verbal abuser and have other narcissistic tendencies. In dealing with these issues, I hope to become a better man, and a more loving and caring husband and father. Part of this will include being honest about this with others who are interested in the topic, and just general discussion about it.
Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam’s Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
ex is npd & antisocialpd
Married 40 years to narcissist husband, need to talk with survivors that understand, bad counseling, even my kids side with him.
My interest to this group is simply that i have had my father and 2 spouses with this condition. Apart from the first hand experience, I love to help others where I can, especially if I can be a support, and help relieve the stress that people suffer with from these narcissistic people. My other interest is, it relieves me to know that I am not the crazy one, when I read other peoples incredibly similar experiences. I am currently studying to be a professional counselor, which of course gives me another important reason for my interest in joining this group. I am 48 years of age, currently married to a narcissist. I have two sons from my former marriage, in the nursing profession who are independent so don’t live with me. I ride a motorbike which I love, and I love hot rods and classic cars of the 50’s & 60’s, love painting folk art, drawing, craft work, shabby chic, interior decorating, reading true stories, too many things to mention.
Hello everyone, I have been married to a narcissistic husband for 5 years now, and yes, it is great to know I am not the crazy one. He has been clinically diagnosed, who says he wants to continue to get help...lol we'll see.
And to add to this lovely situation, I also have recently diagnosed with MS (mainly have to deal with fatigue) who his narcissitic Mother and brother has decided I am making up, and have cut off all communication with us pretty much unless he leave me. LOL, nice huh? (We had 3 kids, 2 of mine from a former marriage, and one from us together)
I am here to offer and probably frankly need support to continue to truck along......
Recovering from a friendship with a narcissist.
I just ended a relationship with one
I am interested what is going on.
Thanks for the invitation
The father of my children shows many signs of this disorder. I am hoping to learn how to cope with this and what i can do to support my children after visits with the father. Thank you.
I am extremely attracted to needy people. I wonder why.
I am in the process of divorcing my narcissistic husband.
I’m a writer, a humanistic philosopher, and much of my writing involves modern narcissism and nonpathological forms of it. There are types of narcissism that are not disorders. Much as homosexuality is not now considered a disorder by the psychological community, narcissism, when dealt with with great insight, will be seen as a great gift in the future–a gift that will become increasingly necessary for human progress. How’s that for an intro? I’m very interested in meaningful sharing. Thanks for having the group.
My husband has NPD. Some days I need all the support, encouragement, and advice I can get!
I am interested in this condition because i have been diagnosed with it and would like to talk to other people who have it, especially any females.
Had a partner for 10 yrs, diagnosed with NPD, somatic, sexual-deviances/addiction. Went thru the hell of denial, disbelief, convinced I could cure him to ultimately leaving him, and the country I loved so well taking my 2 kids. The oldest has Asperger’s. I have loved, lived and learned NPD, and that there is NO cure…unless you are willing to loose yourself…
I never realized how my mother had all these traits associated with NPD and took on so much guilt all of my life, never realizing I was just there to serve her purposes. I do well when I keep reading the information so many have shared, but it is easy to fall back into guilt trips and forget. So, I keep learning, and by so doing memories keep coming back to awaken me to the fact that my mother is beyond my help. She is now old but vicious, mean, callous, and so disheartening. I forgive her, but I cannot take the words she speaks so hatefully anymore.