New here, my story

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I have been in a relationship for several years now if you can call it that. He and I finally went to couples counseling and eventually my therapist pulled me off to the side and suggested he might have a narcissistic personality disorder. I read up on it and it does a good job of explaining a lot of the things I have experienced. I thought he was just a heartless jerk and its strange to know all of his actions had an actual reason and theres a name for it.

He is really odd and doesn’t care about people or things like I do. He isn’t concerned about hurting people feelings. He stares at himself in the mirror and strikes poses and makes faces for hours at a time. He has a strange fascination with bodily excrements and it quite frankly scares me. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and its scary too because he says it too much and its as if he doesn’t mean it. He can be very sweet but other times its scary and toxic and I don’t think i want to live like this forever. I don’t want to throw him on the street. I told him we she break up but he doesn’t listen and i don’t think i can get him to leave. I was reading about psychopaths and i dont have a clue how i ended up with one.

I hate bringing it up around christmas time but its on my mind all time and anytime i bring it up people just dont know what i’m talking about and think im nuts.

#2

Welcome Ladylupine…It sounds like somantic
narcissism…You need to get a therapist immediately
and perhaps talk to a women’s shelter or Planned Parenthood social
worker near your home. The time
to reach out is RIGHT NOW…Bup

On Dec 22, 2007, at 5:25 PM, ladylupine wrote:

#3

Welcome aboard.

Only a qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone
suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following
lengthy tests and personal interviews.

These may be of help - click on the links:

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/1.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/npdglance.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq82.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faqpd.html

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and AsPD (Antisocial Personality
Disorder, or Psychopathy/Sociopathy)

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders15.html

Healing Narcissism

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq63.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq77.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq70.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq12.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/10.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/case03.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq31.html

http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders37.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders45.html

How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal56.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html

Strategies for Coping with Abusers (General)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

Working with the System and with Professionals

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html

How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours!!

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “ladylupine” npd-cpt7215@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Saturday, December 22, 2007 11:25 PM
Subject: [npd] New here…

#4

Bup:
Welcome Ladylupine…It sounds like somantic
narcissism…

Sam:

Bup wanted to say SOMATIC narcissism - click on these links:

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq29.html

#5

Ladylupine - welcome to Careplace! I am sending you an invitation to join “True Healing after NPD Involvement” - please join us over there. I think you’ll get the real help you need there. I suspect this thread of yours here will disintegrate very quickly and I don’t want your healing to suffer…

Angie

#6

LL,

“I hate bringing it up around christmas time but its on my mind all time and anytime i bring it up people just dont know what i’m talking about and think im nuts.”

There’s no reason to feel bad about the timing. Bad things happen around the holidays too. Just because its Christmas doesn’t mean we have to pretend everythings all right and postphone our feelings till later. I’ve done plenty of that and its never helpful. Plenty of people have bed feelings around the holidays and its normal.

I had to split with my ex and she didn’t want to go. She went far in her attempts to prevent me from going. Once I had a firm stance on what I wanted and came up with a clear plan, it eventually happened. I felt bad for getting rid of her, but she wasn’t my responsibility, and there nothing wrong with wanting to take care of yourself. My biggest problem was sitting around and feeling hopless and thinking there was no way out. I did get out and we both survived. She didn’t actually need me to survive…

#7

Sam:
Welcome aboard.

Me:
Where do you think you are? Titanic? If all you have to offer are links, try and introduce them like a member of the human race please.

Sam:
Bup wanted to say SOMATIC narcissism

Me:
She may, on the other hand, have meant Semantic Narcissism…something you seem to suffer from heavily. I don’t know about anyone else, but if you and Bup don’t cut out the squabbling I will bash your heads together…it’s like having “terrible twins”.

Angiezee:
I suspect this thread of yours here will disintegrate very quickly and I don’t want your healing to suffer…

Me:
Not if you don’t stir it up like that it won’t.

Ladylupine:
He doesn’t sound like a psychopath to me, he sounds too “odd”, and to be honest he doesn’t necessarily sound NPD either. I wonder if he was just coming across as NPD in couples counseling as a DEFENCE mechanism? To hide the “odd stuff”? Maybe he has Schizotypal PD maybe it could be some cocktail of OCD and other things, the posturing in the mirror just MIGHT be repressed Tourettes.

Tourettes, in itself, of itself has no more effect on your personality than a wall eye would…but a combination of repressing tourettes and people’s reactions to it can screw a person up in the “but good” range, and not nicely either.

Apparently the tics (which can take many forms) are suppressible, BUT, like gas, they have to be released eventually or the tension builds unbearably…that could be what he is doing in front of the mirror…but there could be a lot of other explanations.

I just don’t think it is as simple as “psychopath” or “NPD”.

Of course the biggest question now is, what do YOU want, for you?

And if you want out…then, as WY says…don’t worry too much about the holiday.

GD

#8

ladylupine,

I tend to agree with Blitzen that there is something else with this guy. And it sounds that he needs more than a couples therapist who most likely does not have very much training beyond doing counseling. I personally would start with a doctor.

When you say that you don’t want to put him out on the street, are you saying that you are supporting the guy? Does he not work? How old is he?

#9

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Bup: I don’t know what a womens shelter can do for me but I’m not really familiar with what goes on at a place like that. I think he needs a therapist more than I do. Its rough but I’m doing okay.

Sam: Thankyou for the links. Thats quite a bit of reading and should keep me busy for a very long time.

Angizee: Thankyou for the invite. Quite a few people here have stepped upped here and offered me advice and support here.

Wastedyouth: Thanks for your advice. How did you pull it off? Did she stalk you afterwards?

Blitzen and SusieJoe: Thanks for your input too. I think the reason she pulled me off to the side was because she too thought it was something beyond couples counseling. I have read some about the NPD and some of it is spot on but there are other things that just dont add up. All I know is that something is wrong but it could be any of those things. I would love to get him to a doctor and get second or even a third opinion but I dont think that is going to happen. The only reason he went to couples counseling was a last ditch attempt to keep me around. The counselor and I both think he needs a doctor and some individual therapy.

I’ve supported him in the past but he currently has a job at the moment. He often goes from job to job and doesn’t keep them for long. He is in his 30s. We lease a house and we dont own it together but i cant afford to break the lease. He has every right to be there but he doesnt want to compromise. He knows I want to leave but he is in denial. I dont think hed make it easy to divide our thinks and let me move on and I worry about how he might react when and if i actually do leave. I think have some big macho men around when I move out will be easiest because he wont put up a fight but im worried if he might stalk me afterwards.

#10

ladylupine,

I’m sorry, it sounds that you have a pretty big problem on your hands. Did the counselor tell you anything about doing a commitment on the guy? I think the laws vary by country and state. In mine, all I know is that you can get them picked up and evaluated by doctors but I don’t know the process. The doctors then have something like 2-3 days to do an initial evaluation. If the doctors think he should be kept, they take over and keep him. I think chances are good that they would keep him until they figured out what his problem was. If they think he is okay, he would then be released. I don’t know if you can do it not being married. I would just suggest you trying to find out about it. You might also try to find out what mental health services are available where you are. There may be an agency that could help you. I’d start looking now just to find out -you don’t have to do anything but you would have the information. Maybe might help if you decide to move out. It sounds that he may have trouble keeping this job too. That could be a crisis, maybe a chance you could convince him to see a doctor. You’ll probably need to be really nice about it, not make it conditional on you leaving him if he doesn’t. It may be more effective to let him know that you care about him and are just really concerned.

I think you should be careful too, things could get worse. If he thinks you are going to leave him, he may not be able to deal with the stress of that. If you pressure him about his behavior and your relationship, that can over stress him as well. It just sounds that something is not ticking right with him and he likely is having trouble holding things together mentally, trying to make sense in his own mind what’s going on when he likely is not capable of seeing himself clearly right now. Has he gotten violent?

Stay with these groups and get support.

#11

LadyLupine,

My gut feeling is that your worries about stalking might be realistic. But the fear of being stalked is certainly not a good reason to stay.

As far as I can see the best you can do is to plan with that in mind.

“Macho men” to help you leave is a very good idea, but it might be an idea to move in “stages”, first to a place that can be very temporary, to give yourself an idea of what he will do…then if he DOES stalk be prepared to move AND change jobs and break any known points of contact.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        If he does decide to stalk you, nothing can ever be the same again and the quicker you accept that and cut all ties, the quicker you will get a new, normal life...

The good news is that, in my experience, even when all the laws of logic point to a person stalking, they often just don’t…

Let’s hope that will be the case?

What on earth kept you with him all these years?

GD

#12

LL,

No, my ex did not stalk me. You are getting good advice. As I got ready to leave my ex she picked up on it her behavior did get more out there and there were more problems. I was afraid she’d stalk me, and I was afraid she would go absolutely bonkers. I started preparing myself for the worse that could possibly happen. I was ready for anything.

It wasn’t pretty, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I thought she’d stalk me and everything led me to believe she would, but it didn’t happen. A lot of types of people are more likely to just forget about you. Every situation is unique though. Big macho guys sound like a great idea. At the end of my relationship I refused to hang around her without witnesses present. She behaved better when people were watching.

#13

Thanks for the tips everyone. He is not violent though he is very clingy and doesn’t like to give me space. He might block the door if I try to leave but its more of extreme clinginess than a sign of aggression or violence. I do not really know what kept me with him all these years despite all these problems. I guess i didn’t know how severe it was and i thought i could “train” him to behave better or improve or whatnot. I thought he might be fixable. I will probably make my plans to leave definate and inform him of the what and why at some point but with as little notice as possible. He has a right to know even if he wont be able to accept it well. I don’t know how to not make it hard on him and keep the distance i need to get away and feel safe.

#14

Thanks for the tips everyone. He is not violent though he is very clingy and doesn’t like to give me space. He might block the door if I try to leave but its more of extreme clinginess than a sign of aggression or violence. I do not really know what kept me with him all these years despite all these problems. I guess i didn’t know how severe it was and i thought i could “train” him to behave better or improve or whatnot. I thought he might be fixable. I will probably make my plans to leave definate and inform him of the what and why at some point but with as little notice as possible. He has a right to know even if he wont be able to accept it well. I don’t know how to not make it hard on him and keep the distance i need to get away and feel safe.

Lady,

You probably have been with this guy because he has some really good qualities about him. And it is very common for people to think that behaviors are fixable by a loving partner. Psychology caused this messed up thinking and it is very common. Your guy sounds that something is physically misfunctioning - a medical problem. Knowledge in neurology has taken dramatic advances the last 10 or so years. They may be able to help him, they may not. Medications may be able to help control some behavior. But brain problems are mother F’s.

Your first responsibility is to yourself and whatever your values. Just don’t think that you were messed up in some way for getting involved with him. Either his problem got worse or you learned more about it.

#15

I can’t think of anything good or redeeming about my ex. I’m not even sure at this point if I even did in the beginning. I think what I did like, was feeling idolized. That is certianly not a good reason to start or get involved in a relationship. It was a very bad idea. I don’t consider myself being messed up myself, though I have issues, I’ve never seen myself as a codependant or anything like that. In my heart I think I went in with the notion that I could turn it into something else.

If my ex ever had good qualities, I can’t see them through all the bad ones anymore. Clinginess and obsessiveness aren’t the cool traits I thought they were in the beginning. The flattery was nice, but takes on a different meaning once I learned they were manipulative in nature.

I suppose there were times I found her humorous.

#16

My step-mother is in a world of hurt. My dad has this disorder so
severely at this point that she is
unable to get off his roller coaster. He wooed her so intensely and
proposed after 4 months. I know she thought that she had gone to
heaven…Little did she know. He has clearly lost all contact with
reality. Now all she can do is be fully in denial, like the rest of
my family. BUT I JUMPED OFF THE COASTER and that is all I care
about…Me, myself and I…We are going to be fine…

On Dec 29, 2007, at 11:53 AM, wastedyouth wrote:

#17

ladylupine,

you’d likely be better served by going to True Healing after NPD INvolvement, another Careplace forum that is recommended for survivors of N relationships to get support. This forum has become a debate/discussion forum only.

Please message Careplace admin or Angiezee on how to join.

#18

my apologies, I just realized NPD2 is also a forum for support (for N’s and their partners I guess?).

I hadnt realized the difference between NPD and NPD2 as clearly as I realize it now.

SO, those are 2 options for anyone looking for support.

sorry about that

#19

This is an open discussion and I’m choosing to participate here. I do not feel threatened and I have received lots of advice and tips here and am being served well here and those people deserve credit. I have been helped greatly. I don’t feel so alone anymore. Please let me make my own decisions about who I choose to talk to and what about and what kind of enviroment I need to solve my problems.

I am aware of the other groups and others elsewhere and am not in need of more. Can you guys please stop telling me about the other groups and sending me personal messages too? It makes me uncomfortable and one notification is enough and I don’t want to feel pressured to take sides. At least make it optional to recieve notifications about other groups.

I have gotten exactly what I’ve needed here and I’m choosing to be here please respect that. I have friends here and I’m not interested.

#20

LL

you’ll notice if you ever go back and read old threads that the one thing I am consistent in is letting survivors of abusive/N relationships know I support them in trusting their gut…you know what you know. If you feel your partners problems are medical and not psychological and that tack leads you to where you need to go…then go for it.

If you feel this forum is where you need to be then stay here.

I think you will remember that I told you that privately too.

I have trust you know whats right for you.

My offering alternatives (not pressure) to a survivor looking for support rather than debate, is at the request/encouragment of Careplace admin since there has been so much rancor and ill will on this particular forum for survivors looking for support. Nothing more…nothing less.

Find the support, the friends, the diagnosis that fits right for you. If its here…awesome!

Thats always been my mantra and you wont find me arguing with you about your own experience or recovery path. I doubt you’ll find any other survivors who will either.

Great good luck to you in this New Year.

Let us know how it goes :slight_smile: