Not everyone sees things the same in this world. I’m grateful for that. I learn much from those whose views are broader, more focussed or sometimes, completely alien to mine.
I’ve had people in my life, during some of the hardest, terrifying, demanding, dangerous, or hopeless moments in my life treat me differently because of those viewpoints. I had a friend who slept over one night and did nothing but brush my hair in the silence while I cried. She saved my life. I had another who told me again and again to leave my expartner, even while I was still deeply in love with him and angry with her for saying things I didnt want to hear. She saved my life too.
I adored the friend who came over with too much vodka one night and helped me obliterate the pain – as much as I was grateful for another who got me to join the gym with her.
I work in a place with 500 at-risk teens. Theyre all from different backgrounds, most of them from poverty and illiteracy. Many are drug or alcohol addicted. Theyre teen prostitutes, drug dealers, gang members, wards of the court, abandoned, orphaned, abused physically, sexually and most often emotionally. Some withdraw, dissociate, run away, disappear, some act out, get aggressive, bully, some self-destruct, self-mutilate, try suicide. Most of them have histories in their short lives as bad or worse than the last 9 years of MY life.
They’re ALL someone’s child.
The staff are like an ensemble cast. We have maternal cuddly loving soft hearted women. We have drill sergeants. We have spiritual monks, magicians, rockstars. lecturers. therapists, jail guards, motivational speakers…a broad mix of points of view, styles, skills, tactics that mean all those kids have a chance to find someone with whom they click, who will hold their hand when theyre hurting, or kick their ass when theyre letting themselves down – and everything inbetween.
Guess which one I am? Its not the drill sergeant. You’d be surprised. But I have moments of ass-kicking, I have moments of being the rockstar, the therapist and many more. I’m fluid, I adapt to each students needs in the best way I can…and I also have moments of answering my own call to keep myself balanced and not co-dependent.
What NONE of us do, to MY knowledge anyway (although we have as you’d imagine a high burnout rate considering our clientele) is enable those who are sick and suffering and self-destructive…to continue to be so.
We get kids into shelters, detox, foster homes, halfway houses, native community groups, JOBS, student welfare, affordable housing…and this week I helped get one of my students a winter coat, boots, and food to get her over the weekend.
Its true I dont feel my heart invested in the world as much as I used to when I asked for that placement. But my spirit still is, in fact more so now that I’m suffering personally much less than I had been.
Why am I telling you all this? Because a handful of you seem to think I’m a destructive force here.
I can see theres conflict. I can see theres disrespect and defensiveness.
But do you recognize a different view? an alternative way of seeing things? That I choose sometimes to hold a hand I think needs holding, offer some shields and weapons to someone who needs to protect herself, that I do NOT enable some people, and sometimes I kick ass in as gentle and respectful way as I can…and most times speak from experience “been there, here’s what helped me”. I , even when I am loudly and clearly demanding that I and others be treated with respect, am ALWAYS consciously holding in my awareness that I have something positive to offer.
I accept its not what some people want to hear. God knows I didnt want to be told to leave my partner, but over the months and years that friends voice was filed away and reheard many times until I WAS ready to leave. God knows I HATE exercise in any form, but I understood the person pushing my butt to the door had my best interest at heart. Sometimes what we want to hear just allows us to be more comfortable in our stuck-ness. Sometimes when we hear soemthign we dont like, we’re actually deafening ourselves to soemthing unpleasant, but helpful.
Dont let your feelings of “ouch, I dont like the sound of that” get in the way of seeing either the benefit of an alternative view, OR the intent behind my contribution.
The world contains many dissenting voices.
Youre ALWAYS free to disagree with, consider, reject or adopt according to what fits for you.
But dont demand I be just like you, post just like you, hold hands for everyone just like you, shower people with love just like you.
Dont project on me, make incorrect assumptions about, or bully me because I post “actually I have the opposite to say”.
I dont see many dissenting views here. In fact I’m feeling a little bit alone sometimes when theres all this “I love you” stuff going on, which is all nice and beautiful, but I can say from MY experience with my home forums, when the shit was hitting the fan in my life, I didnt get that, I got other stuf that I found valuable, meaningful and helpful. Give forum members LOVE all you want, dont label me unsupportive because I choose to offer something else.
Why not for a little while, just hold in your awareness the possibility that maybe, just maybe…“that Phoenixxx chick is a pain in my butt but she’s got good intentions”…or God forbid, that “maybe sometimes, theres something considerable in what she says”.
How many of you see or have seen a therapist? Were they all yes men/women who held your hands and told you how much they loved you? or did they listen, comisserate but also challenge you to change your thoughts, beliefs or behaviours with differing perspectives than your own?
Look, its not necessary to attack me when you dont like what you read of mine. You can do other things. You can respectfully disagree, you can enter into a debate or discussion, I’ll likely learn something, and maybe you will too. You can tell me you’ll file it away for future reference. You can read it and say nothing, and respond to someone else. You can tell me how it wasnt that way in your experience. I’ll listen.
All I have ever requested from you in this forum is mutual respect. MUTUAL. I give it, you may notice even when I am attacked repeatedly. I also expect it, from my friends, my from my students, and from strangers in a web forum.
Theres room for all of us, even those of us who see things in a completely alien way from you.
So with that in mind, I’m saying one last time, I’d like there to be less rancor in all areas of my life between now and New Years. To that end I’m going to try my best not to participate in the derailing of threads with this repetitive drama “thing” that seems to follow me from thread to thread now. I invite you to join me in that. I also invite you to join me in disagreeing WITH respect so that the twisting of words and name calling, character assassination comes to an end. I dont think anyone on the forum benefits from it. I know I dont like being misquoted and misrepresented in charaxcter assassinations.
If I have something to say in regards to be treated in a less than rerspectful or civilized way, I’ll post about it here. I think those who start threads about things they are interested in should be allowed to have them stay on track (my apologies for my having engaged in the interruptions). I invite you to do the same.
I know I have invited you privately in PM to make peace (kudos to Lindy for having accepted and in working on that mutual understanding and peace treaty between us), even if its just a mutual agreement to cease and desist – but youve rejected those, so maybe this is a more palatable alternative for you.
Lets hope so anyway.
and ps. I was NEVER asked or even hinted at to drive anyone away. Those people here who have made friends with me carry themselves with dignity, maturity and class, and I admire them for that. I’ve been asked to come back because they thought I had something of value to contribute. Nothing more, nothing less. I understand theres some paranoia, but I have put effort into not becoming part of that. I am me, one woman, who seems to have a lot to say (ha!!). I have my own concerns, my own issues, my own recovery path I’m slogging away on, and I post about on my home forums because it seems better suited there, among people who share similar experiences, than here. Are you putting effort into driving me away??? cuz until you mentioned it, I didnt believe you were.
Theres room for everyone here, there has to be, theres no moderator on duty to remove trolls or bullies. So the next best thing is learning to get along…even with people one doesnt particularly like.
I’m rising to the challenge…how about you?