Overwhelming Emotions

Narcissistic personality disorder
#21

Angiezee:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Once I have gotten over the emotional rollarcoaster, and finally came to the point that he no longer affects my emotions the same way, my everything became FLAT, I too was going through the motions. I hated my job, hated coming home and going anywhere. I could have cared LESS about anything that used to make me happy. I am a very loving and giving person. I love life and love to have a good time; all that was gone. I walked four miles a day for years and years, and worked out at the gym, but after my separation and divorce, I didn’t do squat! I didn’t even care that I was gaining weight and looking portly. I lost zest and more. I can tell you that it is coming back ever so slowly and I am now feeling my old self again. It has been seven years since my first separation and three years since my divorce. I have been through hell and back with my ex-husband and his bashing me for who he is, along with fighting in court issues that pertain to finances, so he almost wore me in and out, but I am a survivor and I know he no longer can get the best of me. During all of this, I have always been working on myself, and it has been therapy, massages, and tender care to ME that made me hang in there and believe—and Angiezee, I promise, it will get better. Give yourself and relationship time: fake it until you make it—it will turn around. Also, prayer is the MOST Important part of therapy and moving on.

#22

healed1 - thank you for your response and, yes, I am still the moderator of True Healing. I don’t understand that you said you’re locked? I tried it and it seems okay and I’m not sure how that could happen anyway. Please attempt again and let me know - anyone else having issues?

#23

mariel lee - thank you as well - you’ve always been a very calming voice here. I do trust that things will get better and I do hold the power of prayer high - it’s just so odd that it doesn’t seem this funk will ever go away and, worse, that it apparently really doesn’t matter. Again, I know to fake it until I make it - what we focus on, grows…

#24

Angeezee:

I too am locked on True healing and I tried several times to get in. It says that it’s private, and when I try to re-register, it tells me that I am already in. I don’t know what else to do either.

#25

Angiezee:

First, I do apologize for misspelling your name the last time.

I was thinking about this “no affect” feeling. Could this possibly be the fact that we were sucked dry; mentally, physically, and spiritually, that once we were away from them, it was time for re-nurturing ourselves? I even thought (farfetched and dramatic) that maybe they are born with no “real” souls, and that they have to attach on to someone who has a loving, caring soul, where one soul becomes two–and that’s why when we leave them, they are sooooo wounded, like they lost a body part. We too are truly wounded (much more) because we can’t simply replace people like we replace our underware the same way they can. They simply (very simply) move on to someone else, and carry on like we never existed, and it doesn’t matter if you are the mother of their children or not, they even can replace their children, as my ex has. It is truly a difficult disorder that is hard to digest and harder to move on from.

#26

i dont know if this will be helpful.
Freuds energy transference(psychic energy)if one person is giving emotions…the other one is receiving emotions.
in normal"healthy relationships"this energy transfer is balanced and neither is depleted(give and take)
However…the one"giving"does not get back what they give!
If both people are selfish in relationships…no-one loses this energy(so perhaps two Ns are the best match)
Basically what you said about being"drained"could be this…?

#27

My Ex acted like he owned me. It’s like we are toys they don’t want to let go of. And when the toy finally breaks they go looking for a new one. The important point to remember is they look for a new TOY. Who wants to be a freakin toy, not me.

I feel flat too. N’s drain the life outta you and after dealing with it for 4 years it seems normal to feel flat. Sunday morning I woke up and started to cry. I missed our morning cuddle. But I reminded myself that I don’t miss the drama at all and I can cuddle with someone else one day.

I don’t want to be the same person I was. I want to be the new and improved version. I want to grow from this experience. I need to find the good in my situation so I can move on. Remember my own value so this doesn’t happen again. It’s important that I never waste my time on an N again. I can’t guarantee that I will never meet one, but I can promise not to waste my time with anyone who’s not treating me right. And I haven’t forgotten that I was tricked into staying as long as I did. I try not to be too hard on myself…like I said, I try not to be too hard on myslef. All I can do is try.

#28

I’ve been reading all the threads and they are all mixed up in my head. I swear I read this and I can see me in so many of y’all. Yes…I’m a southerner…lol. And your “N” that you talk about…I swear is mine. It’s so amazing. My N husband hates his mother…hate women in general and will admit that, but then says he doesn’t
consider me in that group…wtf? Honey…I’m as womanly as you can get. His father was a military man and they moved every 2 or 3 years so he never really attached to anything or anyone but his computer. His world is online. His mother gave no nuturing at all. She was a constant critic of him. He is now so damn sensative when I say something like “Honey your collar is turned up”. He hears…you’re so fucking stupid you can’t even dress properly. I can’t say anything to help him whatsoever because he perceves it as critisism. He was born in another country and his nanny had also taught him her language and he spoke it often. When they came back to the states he was about 3 and his mother would with hold food until he would ask for it in english. He has no empathy at all. The only emotions he has are the bad ones. Since I have been on this site I have started reading a lot about this disorder and I’m learning to handle him much better. I’ve had to stiffle why loving, caring sweet nature and become indifferent to him most of the time. I try not to let him rile me or be reduced to sobbing anymore. It just fuels his ugliness when I break down. I refuse to participate during his temper tantrums. I tell him to shut up when he is in his frat boy vulgar mode commenting on every large busted woman on the tv or going mmmmmm. I have never told someone I loved to shut up before. But I find myself doing things that I’ve never done before just to make my day to day existance tolerable. I am slowly but surely laying ground work to relief myself of this burden that fraudulantly came into my life and has almost destroyed all the goodness that’s in me. But we are survivors…we will get through this. It is not our job to make up for anything that wasn’t given to them or done to them as children. They are grown men/women and can take care of themselves. We can’t fix them. Nothing we do will they acknowledge we did just for them and they are not appreciative of anything we do or any sacrifice that we make. They will not/can not fulfill what we are looking for. We have to find that in ourselves.

#29

Mariel Lee,
You are so right,n’s can replace their own children.After hearing my ex speak of his deceased father,i believe that his father was an n also.His dad litterally abandoned him,but was an excellent father to the son of a nurse he met while recovering at a hospital.
They also dislike birthdays in the worse way.My ex n’s wife left him a day following a surprise birthday party she arranged for him.He got home from work and both her and their two young children were gone.He said that she left him because he forgot to pay a bill.Knowing what i know about n’s now,i can only imagine what he must have done at his birthday party.

In one of his braggart moments,he told me that he knew of a man who beat his wife on their honeymoon.Something tells me that it’s him.

Although he is now dating a woman with a son that he spends a lot of time with,he came by my job today,looking around for me,i saw him and waved.He waved back and i walked away.
It was easy for me to do.Life goes on.

#30

Maewest…that indifference hurts doesnt it?it feels dead,empty…
BUT it iss the only way,sadly…its like a coping mechanism…just’switch off".
BUT we/you should be able to freely say what you want and feel what you feel…but sometimes this is just TOO painful
As for"your not in that category!!??i mean to say!its almost like you are "worshipped"as he hates women?(are you anything like his mom in any way I wonder?)
My exs hated women too(said it)and one admiteed to being afraid of them also…basically I think they just need to’grow up"but how the hell you get them to do that…god only knows!
The sad thing is,their"little worlds"just revolve around them,as you do…!
your writing is full of "passion"dont ever lose that passion/emotion…dont let him take your soul,as someone said…hes gotto reclaim his own!

#31

My ex just did away with her current boyfriend like it was nothing, which doesn’t surprise me. What does though, is that she also had to get rid of lifelong friends who put up with her behavior and tried to help and support her since she was a kid. They stood up to her on one issue, and then they were history in her life. It just reinforces my idea that people have very little value to them with their warped perceptions.

#32

they value others as moch as they value thamselves…which is not at all in reality
To value others…people,they have got to value THEMSELVES first…so we havnt done that bad in’reality’(whatever that is!)our reality anyhow)they are swimming in denial!we tried to’save them’but sadly they will drown.

#33

my therapist has told me over and over when I’ve asked why I still feel so horrible and “broken” (will I ever be mended again?) that its grief…grief, grief, grief.

And what I’ve discovered is its not just grief at having lost the object of my affections, I think that grief ended a long time ago…but there’s something about not getting the acknowledgement from him that he loved me.

I mean, yes he’s said the words many times, but as we all have learned the painful way, the words mean nothing, deeds meant everything and his choices and actions demonstrated for years how he didnt love me anymore than a 4 year old loves his Tonka dumptruck.

There’s something painful for me, and long-processed about getting over the grief of having loved so deeply, someone who didnt love me.

My ex even told me in his last communication with me, he never felt loved, supported or committed-to by me. While I let myself run on empty bending over backwards trying to nurture, maintain and save the relationship from doom (and accommodating his ever-growing list of demands and expectations of me to give more, do more, change more, help more, understand more…blah blah blah).

there’s something very sad about recognizing how invisible I was to him for so long, while I loved him so deeply and magnificently during that time.

If that doesnt empty a person out and leave them flat…then I’m not sure what would.

I still dont quite understand how someone who decides to stay with a N, can love them and NOT get emptied out when they realize theyre not being loved more than that yellow dumptruck.

#34

I stayed with my in despite knowing… I found ways to manage my anger, even my pain, but there were still plenty of issues that ended up hollowing me out in the end. I think to stick it out with an N you’d better only be friends, or better yet a trained psychologist who only dedicates 50 minutes a day to it.

#35

I think it requires someone whose heart is structured differently than mine. I seriously dont think I could ever manage it. I recall that therapist who gave the workshop on how to help children and partners of N’s say you’d have to be a strategist 24/7.

I cant be ANYTHING 24/7, let alone so on guard, so scheming and so self-protective as to be a strategist.

I see SMG talk about it and just marvel at her capacity even with a partner she claims is much less N than those people we’re talking about.

A few things I know about my needs in a relationship

  • the space to be held for me to experience all my emotions raw and in the flesh and still feel respected, safe and loved by my partner
  • that there isnt a struggle for power where one of us is constantly in the losing position, things need to be fair and equal in my world

I think I am woefully lacking in the skills and strengths needed to conduct a relationship with a N ever again. God knows, I didnt have what it took to keep myself detached from the one I was deeply in love with for the 7+ years I was present.

edit:
regarding that power struggle - I really like it when there is an ebb and flow in that regard, when it can be a fluid entity shared, returned, lobbed back and forth over time…I cant stomach always feeling like I’m being schemed against by someone who fels the need to be at the top of our private food chain, so it makes sense then that strategizing would be less than palatable for me

#36

this just came in from a friend of mine overseas who is a seasoned  therapist regarding the big change in my attitude, outlook and feelings of flatness that I seem to have settled into post-N:

Maybe it's wisdom and wanting something more from life after having been through the meat grinder. I think meat grinder experiences take something out of a person. Like the saying goes, they knock the "stuffing" out of you. So, after the meat grinder of your ex, you want less people and you want more solitude. Makes sense to me.

 

It feels like I want "less", because many if not most of my previous, or really ANY desires for sources of pleasure are gone.  But I suppose rather than noticing how I want less, what my subconscious is really doing is wanting better for me now, than I wanted for my life back then.  NO relationships means NO relationships with a N, no sensuality means no sensuality with a N, no thrills/nice clothes/epicurean delights/long discussions about politics/intimate sharing of feelings/body all mean not doing or having any of those things with a N...and on down the list.  Being flat equates to being safe, and calm and stable and settled.

#37

I fully agree…after the highs and lows…balance feels flat perhaps…its up to us whether or not we jump that ride,and i think all with N parents have experienced these fluctuations…so it feels’normal"perhaps?

#38

It really accentuates for me, this whole thread about how a relationship which started out feeling overflowing-its-own-riverbanks because it felt so much more intense than any other relationship I had, suffocating inm the beginning, so much more, so BIG I wasnt sure what was happening, it had to be “The One”, my “soul mate”, a relationship so big I’d surely never feel a love this big ever again

was really the bottomless pit, disembloweling, soul-emptying experience in which I felt chronically fatigued and starving for compassion and kindness.

It was the opposite of over-full, it was the antipathy of it…it was the biggest drain of my life.

thats a bloody sad and pathetic irony.

#39

By the way, I cant speak for others who have had N’s for partners, but I didnt have a N for a parent…its one of the ways I dont feel much of the material for co-N’s fits me. AND its how I can say with little doubt, N’s, especially if they’re as charming, smart, slippery, and deceitful as mine was, could seduce and catch the heart of anyone, not JUST the adult child of a N, or a co-dependent (I’m neither of those things).

#40

You aren’t alone, I don’t believe this is an exact formula for the makeup of those that get involved with N’s. Everybody in my Ex’s life gets burnt at some point, no matter who they are or the enviroment they came from. I got involved in a really bad relationship, but I haven’t made a pattern out of it. I’m kinda the polar opposite of a codependent, which led to that N relationship challenging my ethics on a daily basis.

By I can identify with the pain and abuse that everybody seems to suffer.