which led to that N relationship challenging my ethics on a daily basis
I didnt know that we shared those same challenges, I wonder how many more of us have...its part of the amends I still need to make to myself.
I suspect the only way for a person to protect themselves from being burned by a N
is to have had experience with one in the past
otherwise someone is just as much at risk as anyone else.
that is true phoenix…once bitten …twice shy…so it is actually an advantage in a way…knowing the sciore…whether to stay/go “next time”.9if there is a next time)…as the clash said"if i go there will be trouble…if i stay there will be double"…lol
My emotions were everywhere when we were married… I just couldnt understand him saying that he loves me but hurting me the way that he did…lying the way that he did, deceiving me the way that he did… His father was the greatest…very friendly…he catered to me when I was around, although I think he was an alcoholic…him and his wife were always partying… My ex had the perfect life…adopted, however, had everything he wanted except siblings…and according to him a better living environment… He always said he wished he lived in a better neighborhood and went to better schools, but his parents were working parents and did the best they knew how.
I thought he was the perfect man, treated me like a queen when we were dating…took me to nice places, everyone loved him, Mr. Social Butterfly, I thought we would have the perfect professional life together…don’t know what happened…he destroyed my dream of who and what I thought we were together… I really think he got caught up in a depression of some sorts and I just didn’t recognize it because I was depressed. When I look back on it, I think that was the issue…especially when we found out his father was dying from cancer… The strange thing was he pretended that it wasn’t happening…and I was freaking out…he wouldn’t go to visit when he should have…he was definitely playing the denial part… It seemed that it was all on me but I must say that I wasn’t there for him because I didn’t know how to be…we both have issues…we both needed counseling at that time…but merely existed…
TJ
did you mention he (hubby)was adopted?..if so,again there is this core"wound’of abandonment?even though he was adopted by people he loved.
my ex had these wounds…and seemed to be re-living them somehow…and actually bringing about his own abandonment!?
TJ…I could take out your name and insert mine in what you wrote. They are able to be everything you want and need until they get you hooked. And they don’t stop because of anything you’ve done or any defficiency in you dear. They stop because they never really had those good feelings. It’s all for show. They don’t have real (nice, happy) feelings. They only ones they have and exploit are ugly and degrading.
They don’t have the capacity to trust and genuinely love someone. Most “normal” people take it for granted the empathy, sympathy and love that you normally feel. They don’t feel that and don’t understand why you do. They do not make good mates, especially if you have depressive tendancies.
Solitude…yes…I call it peace. I told him I just want some peace…instead of having to constantly be on guard to his ugly, hateful, degrading, juvenile behavior! Did I cover everything? lmao
Yes he was adopted Spiral and has huge abandonment issues…when he was 18 years old his real mother was visiting her mother at the hospital, she had high blood pressure, next thing you know they are wheeling her our on a gurney and he watched her die in front of him two weeks before high school graduation! He has never gotten over it, and grieves for her still today in addition to his biological parents… His father never told him directly that he was adopted but told his best friend so he has issues about that. I think you are righ that this abandonment thing, for both of us, is a self-fulfilling prophecy…
In terms of him being a good mate or marriage material… I don’t know… I am giving him the benefit of the doubt… I know he is working hard on changing, he now tells me how he feels, when he is feeling down, lonely, missing is parents, etc., he is working hard on his degree and trying to prove to both me and his dd that he can be consisently employed… He has been to counseling but only had a few sessions because those were free and he doesn’t have health insurance. I believe that he does care about us…I know you don’t think he is capable…I just think he has a problem showing it, but so do I.
At this point both of our emotions are high, we want the relationship back and we want it to work… I’ve given him the ground rooms that I expect hiim to follow and if he does not meet them consistently, then he knows he will have to leave…
I wil not fall into the last trap of waiting for a miracle… Last night I told him the same thing, that I just wanted peace in my life… I don’t want to fight about things that we’ve fought about in the past, especially in front of our dd… I told him he needs to find that from within as well…
TJ
peace from within…thats true…it doesnt come from outside
My last one was similar…he was trying(very trying)but he occasionally opened up…and i saw sonething else briefly.
I dont believe personally that these people cANNIOT change…i have actually seen it…and i suppose if they are willing to"put thier hand?s up’and admit they have a problem,it is possible to 'grow’with them…BUT…as many say on here…there has to be a limit to what anyone is willing to put up with…and it must be worth their while in some way…and at least a little bit of’give and take"around