hi all…i found this"projecting individuals cannot have a relationship with anything other than the object of their projection.Each may believe that he or she is relating to the other partner,but each is relating to an’inner-object,projected onto the partner"for me,this answers a LOT of things…and perhaps explains why these relationships are SO much hard work and why we feel or felt so confused…and why we got nothing back?
Freud was right!?
The more I think about it, I’m guessing that the meaning is that we are not really dealing with the authentic person. We are dealing with all the venom that they spew. Therefore we are dealing with an “image” they project. Then we are forced to deal with that image.
Am I close?
In my experience the N projects their belief system on their partner aka victim. They think we operate under the same morals and beliefs that they do. Which usually is not the case…by a long shot. They also project their hatred of the person that caused them to be lacking as they were growing up. In my N’s case it is his mother and sister. The two most important women (should be the most important) did him a gross disservice. My N believes that everyone cheats on their spouse. So from ground zero…square one…he believes that I commit adultery…regardless of what my history, behavior and beliefs show. They think because it’s the way they thing that it’s the way we operate too!
i can honestly say that i was projecting my father onto one of the partners…(he was violent towards me as a child)…so i stayed and 'fought that one out"so to speak.
As regards my last relationship,He was the most emotionally unavailable man i had ever met…bingo…just like father.
Also,my first N said that I was"like his mother"and when he had been drinking…i got it,because his mother had been agressive towards him.(although i was not)
who are you proposing did the projecting?
Does it mean that the projecting individual limits themselves to one victim? Or is it their way with all their relationships?
What did it mean to you Spiral?
Watch the movie “Solaris” (the new one with George Clooney), its a sharp portrayal of how we all use projection in order to have relationships. Its impossible to really know another person. All we can do is put together everything we think we know, and all the gaps inbetween are filled with our projections.
Having said that, a person who uses projection pathologically, in order to “figure other people out” and protect themselves wouldnt last very long with a N in my opinion. N’s do even worse with false accusations than they do with correct ones, and Projectors are notorious for “getting it wrong”, and not believing people who try to set things straight.
People who are not primary Projectors have projections that are often accurate, and are also flexible and adaptable to correction.
If old unfinished business with your father got played out in your relatioNship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a Projector. But therapy would likely be a more productive and safe relationship to do that in.
to be honest…in the end…i had it out with the’man himself"my father…and its over.
I ended up with a beautiful, mutually respectful, and mutually loving and affectionate relationship with my dad years before he died.
That didn’t make the unfinished business finished with him, or my mother for that matter. But therapy did that for me. Dealings with them, in real time and real space may be settled, but that doesn’t necessarily put all the right pegs in the right holes for our subconscious.
Something to consider.
I agree fully.the old unconscious wants what it wants…even though the conscious mind wants something else…
I sort of have some kind of’relationship"with my father now…mostly through finding forgiveness in my soul…and realising that he had been badly abused himself as a child…what goes around comes around…and my ex partner is now in a’happy"relationship with a woman that beats the c…p out of him…mother figure
Perhaps therfore psychoanalysis is the best form of therapy?
so if everything seems settled whats driving the research, reading, and desire for discussion on the forum?
whats driving it is the fact that I am fed up of messing up in relationships…and want to be able to have a’healthy’relationship…next time…if there is a next time…dont want to make the wrong choices,or go through any more crap…also I wanted to know if i was"destined’only to be happy with n types,and why
those all seem like very important concerns
that I think I’ve felt too at some time or another
whats your plan of action in getting the answers, here on the forum?
I only ask because I dont believe a forum can provide any healing, any recovery or really any answers…in my opinion it can only offer a safe space to vent, and the support of other people with similar experiences
the real “work” for me was/is done in therapy, and personal growth…and that hasnt ever happened through reading. Knowledge was never growth for me…change was…and that happens in relationship to others. I dont know that my growth would have happened for me in a vacuum.
with respect…i believe forums are good for’catharsis"and a therapist will not TRULY understand unless they have been with or in an n relationship?only others in the same position will be able to empathise from the heart.
Oh, I beg to differ on the importance of this forum. I’ve gotten more out of this discovery then previous “therapy” and all the Dr. Phil shows put together.
I really find great comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one victimized by what I used to call “that BS”. I have found a lot of useful information.
It’s been said that knowledge is power.
My brother, brother in law and his son have had Little League teams taken from them yet I’m portrayed as the one who shouldn’t be around children. Hell, I taught them all to play and have been punished for doing so since. They took all my fun out of playing . You see I’m “weak” and “can’t handle” how awesome they are. That’s actually what the children are told.
Thanks to this forum, I’ve been able to see through the whole game. Now the challenge is to do something about it.
if its empathy and understanding you want
a support forum is the place youre most likely to get it
if its growth you want
putting all the right pegs in the right holes
you might want to consider broadening your sphere
I sincerely don’t believe a support forum will make it so you wont mess up in anymore relationships, make you able to have a healthy one, or make you into something other than someone who is only happy with N’s
I am, however, only one person, with one opinion.
If reading, writing, listening and responding to other people with similar experiences is your path, then I have the same wish for you I have for every survivor here…that you get to where you want to go.
i also wish that for you…
I also believe in the projection hypothesis…i have seen it first hand through’acting out’the person in question was projecting stuff onto me that I knew nothing about!!?it was weird,quite frightening and he was in a 'daze"all caused by an innocent comment that I could not have predicted would cause that…he wasnt’there"he was 'somewhere else"and he wasnt shouting at me…freaky stuff…we spend our whole lives doing send/recieve…and Ns seem to project and we are expected to recieve their crap…no wonder we end up so’ground down’and drained…its negative stuff too.
I always found that 'batting stuff back’freaked them and they were lost…im not receiving…this really works.
Also, in response to you feeling that our projection onto the N’s is what makes it so much hard work and confusing –
I don’t think so. I think it’s because we expected consistency. We expected that the person we were presented with was actually the person we were with, not a hologram. We expected the truth when we were being lied to. We expected forthrightness when we had secrets hidden from us. We expected our needs would be considered rather than having them turned on us.
We had expectations about what love, commitment, remorse and consideration meant, especially since those words were embraced by our partners, and we were told those things were expected FROM us in return. I dont know about you, but I was never ever with aperson who could talk such a good game, but not deliver the goods, but who in fact made choices that undermined the security and stability of everything he said was there.
Thats crazymaking behaviour. It wasnt my projections that made things hard and confusing.
I also strongly suspect that the vast majority of N’s DONT choose people who know who and what they are. That would be difficult for them from the get go. They ply their trade on people who are unsuspecting, trusting and have a moral compass.
My expartner said as much, that he would never be attracted to a Bonnie for his Clyde. He wanted a Faust for his Mephistopheles.
They say the first sign for a therapist that the client is a N, is when the therapist starts feeling confused.
It doesnt start with us…it starts with them.
Point well taken, it starts with them.
Then it gets passed off to us, then we decide what we are going to do. Are we going to project anger or amusement or confusion or joy, or sadness?
Maybe that’s the point Spiral is getting too?