Quick Advice for getting rid of N

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I need some quick advice about handling an N I’m trying to get rid of.

I have a friend who I’ve known for about six months. Over that time he has gotten more and more possessive of me and of my time, pushed boundaries, stalked me and almost verbally abused me in front of mutual friends for not returning his calls.

I strongly suspect he is N.

I left town for a month on emergency family business and returned last week. He and all of our mutual friends knew when and why I was away; but when I returned, I only told a couple friends in our circle, but not him.

This guy only learned of my return today, through a casual conversation with a mutual friend who mentioned it.

That mutual friend gave me a heads up that, judging from this guy’s reaction to the belated news of my return, this guy is going to rake me over the coals the next chance he gets for not keeping him in the loop.

This guy is not a boyfriend, just a social friend, but as I suggested above, has convinced himself that he is a big part of my life - and I know he’s going to lay the heaviest guilt trip he can on me for not honoring him individually with the details of my coming and going.

So: How do I handle him when he comes up to me w/ a 'tude & starts chewing me out for disrespecting him?

#2

WHY didn’t you SAY SO in the first place?

ALL you need is a female miniature Yorkshire terrier for him to submit to…

(Actually…that would PROBABLY fix Sam too.)

;o)

GD

#3

I am delighted that you can tell which links are actually relevant to you
and your particular situation. That’s the way to go! I wish everyone were
the same!

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “mercenary” npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2007 6:08 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] Quick Advice

#4

I dunno Mercenary,

I have had friends like that and frankly, if you keep trying to be diplomatic about it for too long, before you know it there ARE kids involved, you do need a DV shelter and GUESS WHAT? You have stalkers…

Take Sam’s oblivious ignorance as a sort of Zen warning to give this guy the finger BUT GOOD before you wake up one morning and find you DO need all those links.

:o)

GD

#5

ROFLLL

Them be some uuugly babies

blitzen npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com wrote: You invite him over for a candlelight meal, look him squarely in the eyes and say “I want to have your babies”

Rene

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#6

How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal56.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html

Strategies for Coping with Abusers (General)

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse19.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse20.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21b.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html

Working with the System and with Professionals

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html

How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html

http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html

----- Original Message -----
From: “mercenary” npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2007 7:05 AM
Subject: [npd] Quick Advice

#7

Be gracious
"I understand you feel_____and you want_______and you have a lot to give a friendship_________"

but be firm about what you want and make it about you

“I just dont feel very good when I feel too demanded upon by people these days. I start to not want_______and instead feel like doing_______ which can be very upsetting to you, I understand. I just really need to be surrounded by people who dont make things difficult or unpleasant right now. I know thats not what youre trying to do, but I hope you’ll respect my needs right now. Its very important to me.”

#8

first thing i would do is take him off your friend list! thats no friend in my book. You have done nothing wrong, and he has no right to tell you otherwise. Dont allow this to get any more out of hand than itis already, you will only feel worse as time goes by.

Explain to him that you like him (even if you dont) but that you dont feel that you are accountable to him for what you do. Explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable to be held accountable and that he must stop or it will compromise your friendship.

you might feel nervous about this, but you do know it is coming, be strong and do not allow him to make this situation worse. stand up to him, it sounds like you absolutely HAVE to. Slap him down hard so he backs off once and for all.

Remember - YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Good luck

xx

#9

o and after that, give him a very wide berth!!

i note the words “trying to get rid of” JUST DO IT! And give yourself a pat on the back when you do.

x

#10

So sam, are you suggesting that if he comes up to me and says, with an air of injured indignation, “Why didn’t you call me?”, I should mirror his body language and tone of voice and repeat back to him, “Why didn’t you call me?”?

samvaknin npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com wrote: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html: “If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back.”

Rene

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#11

There are numerous tactics and techniques of coping - hence the multiple
links. Go through them and see which one fits best YOU, HIM, and your
CIRCUMSTANCES. Only you know these data.

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “mercenary” npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, November 06, 2007 5:34 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] Quick Advice

#12

So in this link are you suggesting that I threaten him with legal action if he attempts any further contact with me?

I’m curious. In the United States, what is the magic formula for throwing down the legal gauntlet?

  • Is it “Cease and desist from making any and all contact with me”?

  • The rest of the article suggests manipulating him and threatening abandonment, but the point is to get rid of him, so why threaten without doing it?

  • Besides I don’t have the time and energy to manipulate him or anyone, so why manipulate him?

samvaknin npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com wrote: http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html: “Make clear that you want no further contact with him and that this decision is not personal.”

Rene

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#13

Please explain, based on the information I gave you concerning my predicament, why you included an article about protecting children from narcissists.

samvaknin npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com wrote: http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html

Rene

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#14

What the hell would I need a Domestic Violence Shelter for?

#15

Why do I need an escape plan from my own home? This N doesn’t live with me.

I confess I am mystified by your choice of links to offer me.

#16

Children are not involved. Why are you offering this link?

#17

sam, when I got to the link “Your Abuser in Therapy” I realized you aren’t really responding to my question.

#18

Phoenix,

There is nothing to be gained by being touchy-feely in this case. If I recited your little paragraph to him, he would have snappy comebacks to every clause.

For example,

“I hope you’ll respect my needs” -> “Like the way YOU’VE respected MINE?”

Maybe it’s a guy thing.

Besides, people are getting wise to the insincere cliche “I’m sorry you feel that way” and are firing back with “You AREN’T sorry, and you DON’T know how I feel”.

thephoenix101 npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com wrote: “I understand you feel_____and you want_______and you have a lot to give a friendship_________” … “I just dont feel very good when I feel too demanded upon by people these days. I start to not want_______and instead feel like doing_______ which can be very upsetting to you, I understand. I just really need to be surrounded by people who dont make things difficult or unpleasant right now. I know thats not what youre trying to do, but I hope you’ll respect my needs right now. Its very important to me.”

Rene

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#19

Yes, originally I was thinking of saying, blandly, like Spock, “I will return your calls at … (raise left eyebrow) … my … convenience.”

nickinstant npd-cpt6637@lists.careplace.com wrote: Explain to him that you like him (even if you dont) but that you dont feel that you are accountable to him for what you do. Explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable to be held accountable and that he must stop or it will compromise your friendship.

Rene

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#20

Ok, maybe “Your Abuser in Therapy” was a little TOO inscrutable for Zen…

Way I see it, there are two possible solutions to your problem:

a) You look him squarely in the eye and say "Will you ever FECK OFF an annoy someone who cares?"
b) You invite him over for a candlelight meal, look him squarely in the eyes and say “I want to have your babies”

Both are equally effective, but there is a tiny risk of a) being mistaken for “reverse psychology”.

C’mon, in all seriousness you have to tell this guy straight to back off, and you know it…

GD