Resolution & Solution!?!?!?!

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I know that I have already brought this up. But I can’t stop thinking about it, these are very hurt sick people who are hurting others. there has to be a way to help or stop this.

i don’t believe that we should just give up and walk away!

What if this was you?

I am just trying to still understand.

I just got done watching my favorite show oprah. People never give up and they keep fighting for a solution.

Everyone tells people who have children with autism to give up but there is hope and they proved it.

I know it is not my job to fix someone, and you have to want it… but they did not ask for this…

doesn’t it feel wrong to just lump a ton of these people in the same group and say RUN

I try to imagine myself as I full blown N. What if I could not help myself and just kept hurting others and kept breeding more N’s.

And no one would have anything to do with me and I was just left along to move on to my next victim who will give me my NS.

I know the “magical thinking” and that is what I am in. But what if there was a way and it just needed to be found?

My therapist does not think he is fixable.

it makes me sad.

I think about OJ and Scott peterson but mostly I think about these women who are murdered… by an N.

It’s not right and if it is not genetic and learned, something has to be done.

It makes me angry to read the insight of this sam guy and he knows he has this but is not doing the work to change, he says just accept and cater to the N.

How is the right?

How is everyone ok with this theory?

I am just asking… I know that there are many of you who are more educated on this than me.

I am just really frustrated and sad and mourning and feel like part of me just died.

I know I need to grieve and be sad and go through the stages, but why not end this craziness and not give up on these people? Not just for use or them, for society.

thoughts?

#2

Ok, we all work on ourselves, we understand and fix everything that is wrong with us, so that when an N, that hardly anyone knows about comes into our lives, we will either, know to run away, or try to understand they are little boys that we must not expect an adult relationship from. I know we are hard wired to nurture, but I thought it was to raise our children, not our partners.I am seeing a huge difference between this being your boyfriend and your husband that you have had children with and endured years of confusion, trying to work on the relationship, that could not be worked out, because you had no idea about this disorder. I am from a generation of women that marriage was forever, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I did not run,I had no idea about this disorder, the priest who married us did not say, if it gets tough, you may void this contract or marriage and no mention of this as the sickness, in that contract. I tried everything humanly possible to work on my relationship and for him to have a better relationship with his children.I am suffering the consequences of it all, there are no consequences for him, his disorder protects him from everything. That is the nurturing in women, that then gets turned around on them, you loved too much, you are defective. Yes we have found cures for physical illnesses, but dealing with the brain, too much is unknown. We have managed to take depression out of the closet, because drug companies have pills for you take, they advertise all over TV, they have taken the shame that was once associated with depression away because they are making millions on their pills. So many people have no problem now telling you, what they are on and they are feeling better. This disorder is so much more, does it go back to childhood, can it happen in the teenage years, why is it not mentioned in the books for parenting, birth to 3 years most important years for connecting and loving your baby,all future relationships depend on this time period. Watch your teenager, closely, why is there no awareness of this. My son is like his father, I did not cultivate and grow a narcissists. is this genitic, why is there so little information comming from all the menatl health professionsls. I realize that an N hurts anyone they come in contact with but when you have endured years of not knowing and there are children who are damaged, it is far more serious to us. I have to wonder if you get your self so together and so emotionally healthy, why you would choose to be with some who is not and may never be normal? Why would you ever need to learn these lessons by choice, how could it possibly help you, when you could be enjoying a normal life being loved and supported by a loving partner. So I still say, get yourself healthy , be aware of people like this,but what do we do with the people like this that are causing so much damage and pain for married people with children. Perhaps if it were your children involved, you would feel differently. Perhaps if it were you suffering the consequences of one of your children turning out this way, you would feel as strongly as I do. This disorder needs more attention, more research, the disordered are the problem, no one needs to learn these lessons.This is a national problem, formost for famlies with children and anyone who comes in close contact with one.You can leave your N but when children are involved, you are tied to that misery for a very long time.  Why would a healthy informed person invite this kind of misery into their lives. I wish I could have had this information and I wish everyone knew about it, I know it can not be fixed, I tried. I got the vaccine for small pox, polio was a real threat in my day, I lined up for the first vaccine for that, I take antibiotics for infection, get my flue shot, if they come out with a vaccine to protect me from Ns, I will line up for that also.No one should have to endure this illness, least of all children caught up in it. Hugs mamolie

#3

Hope, you and I have alot in commom.We are both caregivers-it’s in our nature we both always longed for true love and wer’e both adopted.Being adopted has alot of unresolved issues for many people,myself included.I"m 50 and it wasnt until I was 45 when I dealt with the root of it,which is abandonment and rejection.I was living in Florida at the time and working across the street from my birth fathers home. I didnt know it at the time untill I looked in the phonebook and to my amazement there was his name!Coincidence?I dont think so.I called him and he refused to talk to me or see me.I was crushed.I started reading Dr. Phils book called self matters.What I learned about myself was this-I was looking at myself the same way my birth father viewd me as unloveable ,unworthy and unwanted!That kind of thinking drew men in my life who would bring that to be true.I was going to a good church at the time and the sermans were on who we are in God.That’s the first time I found who my true identity was .It was grounded in the word of God .From then on I was able to deal with the rejection and abandonment issues.I stopped dating and later moved to Colorado which is where I met my husband.I was at my strongest mentally and spiritually.I have my own answers as to why this happened to me but shortly after we married my NPD husband killed himself just before Christmas.Shattered to the core and completely devastated I again had to find myself and it was the same place as it was before ,in the word of God.I know I am who God says I am My identity is in Him not my circumstances regardless how bad it is.That is where I start and stand,I’m saying all this so maby you can relate, I feel for you and understand all the pain I also now have understanding in all directions of my circumstances and I have peace and a sound mind .If I can do it so can you.We are here to help each other and many of the women here have helped me more than they will ever know.This is hard to walk through but we have a mighty God and friends who pull together and encourage us.I hope my story is some kind of help for you ,you have been on my mind all day.One more thing yes it’s very sad that Ns live a tormented life truely it is however it should not keep you involved with him,your love can not see him through .You dont deserve to be abused what you are in is an abusive relationship .MY heart goes out to you.Mary

#4

This is the question to ask yourself: “Does he want help?”

You can lead a horse to water…

Since most N’s don’t understand they have a problem exposing N behavior is more about the victims then suffering N’s. If you are lucky enough to know a narcissist who admits they have a problem and wants help, by all means poor your resources into this person but even that has it’s limits. For now it’s important to understand how this came about. Why are you attracted to these types of people? I’m sure you saw signs that something was wrong long before you reached this point. Sometimes we make so many compromises that we loose sight of who we are. And when the relationship ends we’re left with the fragments of our former selves wondering why? How could he treat me this way after everything I’ve done for him? All my sacrifices?? Why?? But the real question is why did we stay so long? Why did we change who we are to accommodate someone who offers nothing? Why was I afraid to let go?

Unfortunately it’s not about hoping he changes so you can stay. Open your mind to the idea that you were never meant to stay in the first place. The only person you can positively effect is YOU.

#5

This is the most horrific secretive disorder there is because these people can ACT and LOOK so NORMAL. Where have you ever read that there are people who have been so damaged that they can not connect, love or feel. That they prey on the people that have those qualites to destroy so they can live. Who ever sat you down and told you or warned you that people like this exist. I am beginning to realize that , abusers, narcissists, psychopath are just discriptive words to describe a behavior. Everyone thinks a nacissists is self centered, stuck on themselves, abusers, abuse people, they need anger management, sensitivity training, my" favorite "about abusers, is “he only has a problem with his partner,” psychopath, immediately, you think no conscience. That is what you have absorbed from TV, reading the news papers, articles on abuse, and even under domestic violence, WORDS to DESCRIBE certain BEHAVIORS. What all of those words decribe are people who have NO EMPATYHY,people who are so damaged, yet there is no talk about a serious personality disorder mentall illness what ever you want to call it, that would be a warning to the unsuspecting publc at large. There are hundreds of self help books for the victims of abuse,We are codependant, we love to much, no self esteem, we are damaged goods to begin with from our childhoods, we needed someone like this to work out our past. We have shelters for women to run to with their children. Thank God that is in place, but that does solve the problem, the abuser. We should have known better, We should have left.We take the responsibility for it, we have to work hard on ourselves to recover but what happens to the disordered person, they move onto the next victim.There are some abusers that can be helped, they have learned to abuse, but they are small in number. Do you think the abusers who kill their partners, or their children are simply abusive people, no they have serious personality disorders. How many women have been killed with a PFA in their hands, how many women are killed just becasue they have decided to leave their abusers, too many. Then people say why didn’t they leave, that is not the answer, this is a very serious problem in our country that no one seems to care about. Who can believe that some women stay and endure to save their life and their childrens, only the people who have lived it can understand. We need to stop blaming the victims, and deal with the problem, the disordered people that are the root of the problem, in your work place, your neighbor and worst of all in your home. To answer your question, I spent my life trying everything humanly possible to help my H, I knew there was something wrong, and believed with all my heart he could be helped, felt he was missing out on a happy life, if he were helped he could get more enjoyment out of life, he could have a better relationship with his children, I tried for 40 years. How could I know that some people are set up this way, they are not aware they are sick, they are just fine living this way, they believe everyone is this way, and they work very hard to get you to live in their reality. I know that they can not be fixed or helped, I wasted 40 years trying. There may be a few that want help, but they will never be completly like the rest of us, the core problem is NO EMPATHY, learning empathatic skills does not replace actually feeling for others. Something needs to drastically changed in our country, Lets do away with the descriptive words and call it what it is ,NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER , people who prey on others and destroy the lives of everyone who gets close to them, including our most precious assets, THE CHILDREN.What research is ever going to be done on a secret disorder? I am very caught up in this, I have lived it and have a son who behaves like his father, I did not cultivate him, did he learn it, is it genitic, the consequences are never ending. As long as we can blame the victims, it will go on and on and never address the real problem, that is just to hard. hugs mamolie

#6

Well I have to say Im someone who refuses to just give up and walk away, rightly or wrongly…not that I think I can fix him or anything , I just think I have to be able to make this friendship work. I cant fix him ( I wish I could)but Im hoping I can fix me.

Im sure if a friend had been in my place Id have been wanting to shout RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN…cos its just awful to watch people we love suffer so much. But as the one involved it feels so different and this is a friendship Im talking about NOT a partner.

I know lots is down to me to not allow him to hurt me, Im sure he rarely meant to hurt me. I hurt by the way, thro his lack of thought or empathy to my situation, feelings etc

Its funny but whenever I talk to my best friend about how sorry I feel for how he is etc etc she always says she feels sorry for me and anyone else hes hurt…hes doing just fine in his own selfish world. Maybe she has a point…

#7

bup is right…

If we were raised to value ourselves and always respect our INSTINCTS…it wouldn’t fix the fact that there are broken people in the world who verbally, emotionally or physically abuse others…but there would be less victims. Unforutnately, so many of us have grown up in homes that were dysfunctional in their own unique way, such that many women (and somtimes men) allow themselves to be disappointed and hurt over and over again…and their first reaction isnt ‘this is not right…I can’t allow this’ instead their first reaction is ‘what have i done to create this? how have I contributed to this? am i not loving this person enough? am I asking too much, am I crazy to feel the way I do, do I deserve this?’ If you are in pain, or feeling hurt and confused emotionally or physically, there is something WRONG. I think there are signs to look for and it would be helpful if there were more education out there about mental illness in general. As it pertains to personality disorders, one of the first signs almost ALWAYS is that the personality disordered person RUSHES the intimacy…the pd person almost ALWAYS comes on WAY TOO STRONG, WAY TOO FAST, promises way too much too early, throws around proclamations of undying love only hours days or weeks into a new relationship. This can be seen in bi-polar conditions and cyclothymia (mild bi-polar which my bf has) becasue they make promises during their manic phases. My bf did this…and, it was one of my first warning signals. I knew instinctually and probably from some of my readings that this was NOT a good sign, so in a sense I knew from the begining I was playing w/ fire. That is one reason why, as frustrated and hurt as I have felt, I do not feel like a victim, because I KNEW and SAW some of the signs right away. And I ended up being EXACTLY correct. A grown up, emotionally mature person cannot possibly know after such a short time that YOU are the love of their lives. Even if a person FEELS that way…an emotionally healthy, mature person would sit on that feeling, keep it to themself, consider it, and let some time pass giving themselves and the other person a longer time to know for sure what they are experiencing before blurting out a bunch of crazy promises and platitudes. My bf kept pushing the intimacy thing early on until I finally had to tell him STOP!!!..you don’t know how you really feel, your feelings switch from day to day like a child…stop with the platitudes and the promises…I don’t want to hear it anymore until or unless you are mature enough to handle the RESPONSIBILITY that comes with those promises and those statements. He had one of his first breakdowns the day I put the breaks on this behavior. His therapist had been telling him the exact same thing for over a year…put the breaks on this…titrate out your emotions when you meet someone…you can’t just run around telling every woman you get a crush on that she’s the love of your life and then change your mind the following week, it creates chaos and is cruel to the person. That is childish, irresponsible behavior. We have to teach people to recognize this and know to be cautious when they see this. Behavior such as this is the FIRST sign that a person, at the very least, is Emotionally Immature. It may feel good to us to have such lofty sentiments directed toward us…but all the RED FLAGS should be coming up right there and then. This is what I teach my daughter. We have to learn to trust our instincts and take care of ourselves and value ourselves such that when someone is behaving in an odd manner, we can put ourselves first and end it if necessary. I think we sometimes are looking for love so desparately that we want to ignore those signs and go with the good feelings…that is why it still comes back to US. If we loved ourselves first, such that our core SELF is strong and secure…it would still feel nice to hear such words…but our gut would be also saying…this guy is way too immature for me…he needs to grow up and gain some maturity before I give my heart to him…or I need to find a more mature person to be with.

#8

Mamolie,
Well said!! You are such an eloquent speaker and you come across very precise and educated in this disorder. YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK!! You have been gifted to describe the truth of narcissism. My words have always come out scrambled from my head. I know what I feel but it never quite comes out the same way.

#9

I know exactly what you are saying! I don’t believe in always or never.
Not so long ago there was no “cure” for many illnesses, but today there
are. I think Sam is full of shit! Sorry, but he is making tons of money on
telling people about being a N. It’s very easy to exploit it and tell
people to run, and sit back and collect his fat check!!! THIS IS HIS SOURCE
OF N SUPPLY!!! Sure he is making people “aware,” but he is also doing
everyone, including himself, a major disservice by telling them to not have
hope! There is hope!!! I have been married to a N for almost 12 years, and
it truly has been a roller coaster. I could top most peoples worst stories
about their N! I know one thing though, giving up does NOTHING. What if we
had given up on finding a cure for small pox, polio, or measles? I’m sure
lots of people thought it would be impossible to cure these illnesses. Sam
tells people to give up or run because he has no faith in God, and it makes
him feel powerful!! If the N is your spouse and you have children, don’t
give up. With God there is hope. It may not be the fairy tale you dreamed
of, but it can get better. The first thing to do is pray and trust God.
Then stay away from “hopeless” people like Sam V.!!!

On 9/18/07, hopetoday npd-cpt5959@lists.careplace.com wrote:

#10

I am not sure there is hope, I have to tell you my honest opinion. I
do think there should
be a clinical diagnosis though (that even regular doctors can term).
Just like Bipolar or
Manic Depression. I think they need to know and someone needs to
tell them . But it can’t
be the victims…I don’t think my father knows, but I think my
brother knows all too well what
he has…

On Sep 19, 2007, at 11:22 AM, sheilax4 wrote:

#11

I totally agree with SMG about how they profess far too much far too soon…even within my friendship this happened and I see it with the new guys he ‘loves’ …too much too soon then it all fizzles out when reality hits…they cant keep up all the promises, suddenly they dont wanna see you every day any more etc etc…

My sis is a therapist and she doesnt say theres no ‘cure’ for NPD people but to try and help is extreemly hard even if you get them to accept something is wrong. and you cant help anyone who doesnt even realise or wont admit they have a problem. It doesnt matter who knows about it if they dont…But even when they do go for help its extreemly hard work with little progress…often cos they dont really believe they need to change…

#12

Nah, mgcg, mamolie shouldn’t write a book, she should go on Oprah!

Rene

----- Original Message ----
From: mgcg npd-cpt5959@lists.careplace.com
To: descartes326@yahoo.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 19, 2007 10:18:08 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] Resolution & Solution!?!?!?!

#13

Lonelyplace…

resolution/solution? can they be helped?

You are correct, anything is possible, I know my bf has made great srides. But, it is hard work, and he absolutely sees and admits something is wrong, has put his sword down, and is invested in learning and healing. This is unusual. But, everyone person is a unique case…there is no one cookie cutter person with narcissisim, or bi-polar, or depression, etc. Every single person is unique. He is probably not the ‘norm’…but then, what is the norm? Everyone is unique. Perhaps we need to expand our concept of ‘not giving up v. giving up’. For example, What about not “giving up” but still distancing yourself or cutting off ties with a person who is too wounded to treat you well? I told my bf several times last year that I love him, and I can love him…but that IT MAY BE NECESSARY FOR ME TO LOVE HIM FROM A DISTANCE. And there have been several times when that is all I could offer him, my love, FROM A DISTANCE…like, don’t come over to my house, don’t call, you go do your ‘thing’ on your own, whatever that may be…but you are not going to being doing it HERE, in my life, in my home, in such a way that I am constantly feeling hurt and confused." Go away…I still love you, but from way over here! I can do this and still not give up hope for the person… I can still say a prayer for them each and every night asking that they find peace in their life, still send them my love and my hope for their healing when I think about them during the day. I can love someone, and even hold out hope for someone…without having to be the direct recipeint of their abusive behavior.

#14

I absolutely agree 100%…and this is exactly what Im trying to do…Ill always love him Im sure and ok we have contact again but Im trying to keep a ‘distance’ between us too…as you say I can still love him from over here where I cant get hurt.

Its still a work in progress for me cos part of me is wanting things to improve more but Im trying to be realistic.

Im soooo glad your guy is trying so hard etc etc I defo think everyone is individual and its ridiculous to group everyone together, we tend to do it for ease of talking tho.

We have to keep up hope its awful to just totally write off a group of people…I know my wish is not how to fix him but how to live with him/cope with him etc as he is in a way that Im not always devastated, I think loving with distance is defo a good way to start…

#15

mamolie,

You are correct…there is a huge difference between having a bf you are trying to work things out w/ and a 40 year marriage. I am in no way attempting to speak for you or your experience, diminish your expereince, or question your experinece…nor anyone elses, and apologize if I came accross that way. I can only speak to my own experience. I am with my bf now because I love him and he is making progress and giving me the things i have asked for; so that is why I am w/ him right now. I can’t speak for the future, I can only share what I am experiencing in the present.

sue

#16

I’ve been upset by this conversation all afternoon. I was taught to take responsibilty for my own actions. Mounting all my problems on NPD makes no sense to me. You can’t expect to stay married to a Narcissist and not have his behavior or the dynamics of your marriage rub off on your children. That makes no sense to me since children emulate their parents behavior. Many of us are in awful relationships because we were not shown love or didn’t see love properly represented in our households. Or one step further, didn’t witness healthy relationships/communication between a man and a women. I was pissed off with my therapist because she did not acknowledge Narcissim as the main problem in my relationship. Yes I was lied to, yes I was critizied, emotionally tormented, threatened, ostracized, manipulated and publicly embarrased by my Ex-N. Asking myself why I would stay and put up with such behavior is so IMPORTANT to my personal development! I AM NOT BLAMING THE VICTIM! Nor am I denying the importance of getting information on Narcissism into the hands of the public! I remember how liberated I was upon discovering Narcissim! The understanding that it wasn’t all my fault! All the ups and downs explained in black and white. I felt freed from the clutches of Narcissim and in the process was able to understand my own behavior. Regardless of what it’s called I was not treated with respect and love…and I stayed. I tried to show him love and support even while he was tearing my soul apart. Why was he more important than me? Why did I place his needs above my own? Now I understand why my therapist didn’t want to label it Narcissim. The problem goes deeper than that. Both of my parents where physically abused by their fathers with mothers who turned a blind eye. As adults they made a conscious decision to never hit me and to their credit they didn’t. However my needs on a whole were not met. I wore hand me downs and we had money. Everytime I asked for help I was ignored. I walked around with cracked teeth in my teenage years feeling awful about my looks when we could afford a dentist. I was controlled through emotional abuse instead of physical. I grew up learning to be very independent. If I wanted something I had to get it myself. I learned that I was not valued, I was not important. My Ex was not the first Narcissit I dated and if I don’t take the time to understand myself he won’t be the last. Whether you choose to stay or go is a personal decision. Ofcourse when theirs children involved it’s much more difficult. My parents thought that not beating me was the greatest gift they could offer. But in the process they neglected my other needs. Who knew? Do I blame them, no. Do I understand them, yes. Do I understand myself, yes. Do I understand why I’m attracted to men who hurt me emotionally, yes. Can I do something about it, HELL YES!!! And that’s all I want for any man/woman reading this post CLARITY. I am gratefull to this forum and my understanding of Narcissim. I’m grateful that I was able to vent my frustrations and cry with people who understood. I am grateful because Narcissim gave me a window into my own issues. A window I would not have had otherwise.

#17

Excellent DoubleDee… I am proud of you…

I went to a stream with my 5 year old today and
sat down and cried and cried and kissed his face several times.

Tears every day since MAY! I can’t go over this… I don’t think
I ever will until my brother and father realize their
NPD…which they never will, so all I can
do is cry…But I am glad I found this group, who TOTALLY
understands the BIZARRENESS
of this disorder…Was it my fault that my dad’s brother
commited suicide and his father was
an abusive alcoholic and his brother was special needs and his mother
went a strange NPD denial?? NO IT WASN’T MY FAULT. But after my
mother died, who was SO CODEPENDENT, THE DUMP TRUCKS UNLOADED ON
ME…AND THE INDIFFERENCE OF MY EXISTENCE INCREASED…
What else can I say? Today was a down day…

On Sep 19, 2007, at 4:28 PM, DoubleDee wrote:

#18

doubledee…

Thank you for your post…that really resonates with me as my experience has been similar…and without taking away from anyone elses experience on this forum…all i can say is for ME…this relationship I have been in with a man who has N tendancys…has forced me to look at myself like I have never done before. When he was doing things that hurt me early on…I kept telling my therapist “no woman would put up with this shit,…and she kept saying…doesn’t matter, all that matters is what you can, and cannot, put up with”. And I’d argue back…“but, anyone would find this painful, right?!”…she would come back, “doesn’t matter, all that matters is that YOU find it painful.” Then I’d argue "but isn’t he narcissistic, is there a cure?, or is he bi-polar, is it that? or is he borderline? Again and again, my therapist would say it doesn’t really matter, what matters is that you are suffering so what do you want to do about it? Why was it so fing hard for me to OWN my own feelings and my own experience, to say YEAH! THAT HURTS ME…it doesn’t matter if it wouldn’t hurt someone else or if “others” would think his behavior is totally normal or neutral or psychotic or whatever…it only matters that it is painful to ME. No one else can give ME permission to own my reality…what this guy was doing hurt ME and feels disruptive to my life…only I can own that…not dr. phil, not oprah, not my girlfriend, not a therapist, not the therapeutic community, not a doctor, not sam v., and not someone on this forum. If it feels painful to me, then IT IS painful to ME, and I have a right to decide what I want to do about that, stay, or go, or something in between. In that sense, it has been a blessing. It doesn’t mean I’ m a bad person or that I love too much or that I’m defective, it just means I have some of my own wounds and one result of those wounds is my tendancy to focus on others, trying to fix others, and questioning my own reality, and loving others at the EXPENSE of my SELF. I am looking at that, and looking at what I get out of that. I did this with my first husband…and he was not a person suffering from NPD (controling in his own way, but not npd). This does not feel like I’m being blamed…it feels rather, that I am being liberated. My father and his wife (the woman he left us for 35 years ago) are very narcissistic, totally self absorbed…I’ve danced to their dance for many many years. I don’t want to do that dance anymore. On a side note, do you know what happens whenever they interview a serial killer on Oprah or Dr. Phil??? Even if it’s under the guise of ‘educating’ the public for what to look for in the sociopath… the killer is innundated with love letters and offers of marriage from women all over the country. If Mr. Vaknin gets on Oprah…he will be one happy camper!

#19

I know what a twisted world it is, living with an N. I
am still suffering the affects of it, two years later.
Now I am contending with my 25 year old daughter, who
also possess’s N tendencies. The anger, the lying, the
deceit, it just goes on and on and breaks my heart
because NOTHING can be done to help her. I am racking
my brain and my soul trying to figure out the WHYS?
I am starting a new relationship, but my mind is not
focused on it. I guess you could say I am co-dependent
and I am so darn worn out, spiritually. GONE.
Obliterated…I really do not know what I want from
this new relationship. I have been thru breast cancer,
a divorce, a loss of my job, and now coming to the
realization that my daughter is so ill, so very ill.
All I can do, is sit back and watch her ruin her life.
I DEFINATELY AGREE OPRAH OR DR. PHIL SHOULD DO A SHOW
ABOUT NARRCISSUM! My sister was on the show a year
ago March, with a N step daughter, but Dr. Phil turned
the tables and made her look like a wicked
step-mother, all for ratings I am sure. I really don’t
know if either one could get across to the world what
a dangerous and devestating disorder it really is and
how it has affected so many lives.
— smg npd-cpt5959@lists.careplace.com wrote:

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Lonelyplace…

resolution/solution? can they be helped?

You are correct, anything is possible, I know my bf
has made great srides. But, it is hard work, and he
absolutely sees and admits something is wrong, has
put his sword down, and is invested in learning and
healing. This is unusual. But, everyone person is a
unique case…there is no one cookie cutter person
with narcissisim, or bi-polar, or depression, etc.
Every single person is unique. He is probably not
the ‘norm’…but then, what is the norm? Everyone is
unique. Perhaps we need to expand our concept of
‘not giving up v. giving up’. For example, What
about not “giving up” but still distancing yourself
or cutting off ties with a person who is too wounded
to treat you well? I told my bf several times last
year that I love him, and I can love him…but that
IT MAY BE NECESSARY FOR ME TO LOVE HIM FROM A
DISTANCE. And there have been several times when
that is all I could offer him, my love, FROM A
DISTANCE…like, don’t come over to my house, don’t
call, you go do yo
ur
‘thing’ on your own, whatever that may be…but you
are not going to being doing it HERE, in my life, in
my home, in such a way that I am constantly feeling
hurt and confused." Go away…I still love you, but
from way over here! I can do this and still not
give up hope for the person… I can still say a
prayer for them each and every night asking that
they find peace in their life, still send them my
love and my hope for their healing when I think
about them during the day. I can love someone, and
even hold out hope for someone…without having to
be the direct recipeint of their abusive behavior.

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#20

I want to apologize to anyone that I have offened, I have probably over reacted because of the on going problems and damage done to my family. Problems with my Son, death of H’s brother, problems with an N MIL and a family secret revealed that I know she knew about and is being confronted on friday. I am too frustrated and angry about this disorder at this moment in time and about the devestation that it has caused and still causing to many others. I am on overload and I should have taken some time off from the board till I get some of this worked out and in a better frame of mind. Hugs mamolie