Sympathy For The N

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

As I learn about narcissism, I’ve started to notice the pained looks on the faces of people who have used me for a N supply fix. As they witness me sticking up for myself I can see what used to be an easy laugh for them turning in to very pained expressions. As this goes on I notice the depths they will sink to get a laugh.

I find my self feeling sympathy for their pain. It’s obvious that they are pretty thin on the inside. Especially when they feel attacked when you merely defend the idea that you are not a piece of crap and should feel lucky that they LET you stay on the bottom of their shoes.

There are people I care about deeply, affected with this NPD and they will fly in to a rage at the mere suggestion of something being wrong with them. Especially from me. Even though they believe something is wrong with them.

I think we need to remember that they are hurting people just like us. We might want to put a focus on bridging the gap. I realize some people are just to hurtful to try this approach. Some situations have eroded so bad, that there is no fixing them.

In my case, I know that my family members were trained to be a N. That’s the way they were told life is. So I can’t hold that against them. On the other hand, I don’t have to associate with them either. It is not safe for me to. Too many hair triggers.

I guess I’m trying to stop the hate in my own way here.

I’ll get off my pulpit now. Thanks for listening.

#2

They are hurting people I agree…I always saw the sadness in their eyes and the needyness too…which can be part of their attraction./charm?.empathatic people are easy targets.
but then they will use this,abuse it and toss you aside…all take and no give.

Do they care about the pain that they cause others?

#3

For those who want to see a poster child for NPD, watch The Larry Sanders Show on You-Tube. There are lots of episodes there. Just start watching and notice how the producer, Artie, handles the “star” Larry Sanders.

As it says in Emotional Vampires, life would be very boring without entertainers, leaders or the N’s in our lives. I’m not saying to get emotionally attached to these people but nothing would ever get done without certain N’s. We sort of need them and they sort of need us.

Watch the Larry Sanders show and watch how Artie walks the tightrope. We have N’s in our life that we have to find a way to co-exist with. It’s a lot easier to cope when you’re getting paid for it I guess.

#4

I just say to those of you who are still involved with them that it will never get easier for you. They will always get under your skin. Yes, while this kind of treatment of you by them has a name to it, it still is, at the very least, frustrating as hell. I will always feel for my ex-N, and I still often cry at what we could have had, but then I have to get my intellect in gear and rid that emotion and tell myself that he was incapable of ever loving me the way a couple loves and shares, and that he intentionally hurt me; the reflection of himself. Feel sorry? Yes, there are those times when the V word sneaks in and finds me==== (vulnerability), but more often that not, it no longer stays too long.

#5

Same here…i sometimes worry about mine too…and start to think of the "good bits"but i find remembering the bad stuff and the selfishness,and walking on a tightrope to keep the balance soon gets my brain back into gear…and toughens up my soft heart a bit
and after all…he only cares about himself.so why should i care?

#6

Why should we care about them? Because we are better then they are. We are capable of empathy. I’m not suggesting re-kindling old sparks, lest we get burned again. I am suggesting that we not stoop to their level by fighting fire with fire.

If we don’t care and they don’t care…who is going to care? I think casting them out is narcissistic. While defending yourself against further violations is perfectly acceptable. If moving on is called for, then by all means…

#7

May the good lord grant us the serenity to know what we can change and what we can’t. Above all else may we have the wisdom to know the difference…

#8

I have sympathy for the N, and even had to do some forgiveness. Despite the bad things she did I recognize she really has no control over it due to an illness, and she doesn’t really have access to the tools that make it easier for us… like a conscience. It seems like a lot of people in her life are the same, maybe thats because she’s female.

But other comments are right, it can make you vulnerable. Its those very things will probably be used to control, manipulate, or abuse you further. I have no doubts my ex would not attempt to take advantage of it. I manged to have sympathy without making myself vulnerable, but that required no contact.

#9

true words…sadly it doesnt pay to be a decent’nice"person it seems…its dog eat dog and again sadly people will manipulate people with empathy/sympathy…so decent people are’ideals"for Ns as they will use and abuse their’luck"of finding someone willing to understand and empathise.

#10

I don’t think we should stop being “nice”. That would mean the N’s are ridding the world of nice people. Wouldn’t that make them smile. I think our best defense is knowing and recognizing the manipulation. Then we can deal with N’s more effectively.

What it’s come down to for me is, what’s in it for me? My N’s give me no N supply. In fact that they drain me to get their N supply. So there is nothing in it for me so why put myself in that position. They have put me in a position where I have to apologize for defending myself. That ain’t gonna happen, ever.

As selfish as it sounds we need to deal with the N boss, the N landlord so we can get our needs met. It’s up to us to be able to play the game to our advantage. Take the stuff we have endured, learn from it and be one step ahead of the N instead of one step behind.

#11

On empathy itself…empathy is suposedly’feeling what another person feels"and its not so easy sometimes to feel how we feel…and also feeling someone elses pain FOR them,as well as our own…caused BY them is just far too painful…its time to give ourselves a break perhaps?and start being a bit more selfish,and feel for ourselves?love ourselves.and have a damn good self sympathy party!!?after the stuff weve been through…dont we owe that to ourselves…feeling our OWN feelings,instead of someone elses…(a selfless act.which can be so destructive.)

#12

Somebody somewhere reminded me of something important. Although forgiving my abuser played a part in getting to where I am, learning to have sympathy and empathy for myself played a greater role in my healing and should have been a higher priority.

#13

the saying’before we look to god,buddha etc. or even psychology itself,…we should look to ourselves seems true.
We should perhaps,also learn to give to ourselves as well as others

#14

learning to have sympathy and empathy for myself played a greater role in my healing and should have been a higher priority.

 

yes

yes

yes

 

 

thats been the underlying theme with my EMDR therapy, and I suspect its whats behind the bible study advice.

#15

I think the other part of the driving force behind my hatred is because
a) I have no recourse for getting justice, on some level I have to accept I cant make things balanced - ever
b) that warrior part of me feels like some opportunity for justice would be the way I can make amends to myself, but since thats impossible, theres only frustration and anger

my work right now seems to be to find another way to make those amends
to have that empathy and sympathy

whats funny isin recalling a childhood trauma, and my resulting anger
the T asked me what I could to to help her
because if some 45 yr old woman were there venting her anger that wouldnt be giving the little girl what she could have used then

so she asked me to imagine my son in the same situation

and then it was easy to visualize
demonstrating empathy
offering comfort and protection to him is easy
like reflex
human nature

at some point I had lost how to do that for myself
getting angry became my only thought of protection and justice

interesting stuff
especially that it should get posted now
(nod nod)

#16

Have sympathy with caution!!! I am the most sympathetic and empathetic person around. There are feelings of all kinds that stir around in me about my ex, and I am now in another relationship, but 23 years growing up together, many memories and the father of my children, I can’t wipe it all out-------as easily as they can, and he very easily replaced a whole family, like it’s been ‘his’ forever. Having said that, use caution, because believe me, that is where they use their undermining skills. They are extremely vindictive and will stop at nothing when it comes to getting you back somehow. To them, your “sympathies/empathy” is classified as “over emotional,” and they can not stand it because to them that shows weakness. In “Malignant Self Love,” Sam Vaknin talks about how the only way to respond to a N is by fighting the fight, “rage back!” Mostly every mental health care professional suggests no communication what-so-ever. So, I don’t think that we have to establish our ability to empathize or sympathize or communicate, it’s not about us with respect to our N’s behavior, it’s about how to understand it, empathize in your heart, and let go, there is no changing them, they are who they are!

#17

Mariel Lee

I agree. I also think for some of us, me for example, having empathy too soon is dangerous and makes us vulnerable to the very exploitation you mentioned.

the specialist whose workshop for therapists I attended said N’s are masters at using our strengths against us

  • our conscience against us
  • our values against us
  • our compassion against us
  • our remorse against us
  • our generousity against us

And I think I have this belief somewhere, maybe its phobia , who knows, that if I ev er have compassion for my exN/S again, I’ll be at risk again…and that staying angry and hateful somehow protects me from anyone like him ever in filtrating again.

We dont HAVE to feel or think anything about them again perhaps…maybe we only need to feel for ourselves.

The only thing is, after having felt horrible for 5 or 6 years of the 7 I was with him, and the 2 years since, I’m tired of feeling less than I want. Instead of a blazing fire filling me up, I’d love to feel surging river flowing through me.

#18

…flow like the river?.lol(i find Taoism very calming soothing as a philosophy,but its not for everyone))…that anger you have…i had too…its a huge defense mechanism through beibg very very hurt…i believe.
Is it any wonder?
However…it also keeps good stuff away too…to let go is a huge releif/release and im sure its just the "fear of the fear"we are geared to survive…and survive we will…

#19

Yes, use caution of course.

When I went to therapy in '88 the shrink suggested a book by Dr. Albert Ellis. Something like “The Guide To Rational Thinking.” His whole foundation was that nobody can make you feel anything. You choose how to feel in any given situation.

What I’m getting at is that if the N says something hurtful, we have the power to either be insulted and take it to heart, or you can laugh at the N’s thought process. Somebody that small and that stupid has the nerve to say something like that? That is the power that each of us has.

You choose how to feel. To me it sounds like the N’s are still the center of attention. And they are loving it.

My heart goes out to those who are still involved with an N. It is a very complicated can of worms. May you make a graceful and dignified exit.

#20

I strongly disagree with “raging back”.

As the good book says, “never repay evil with evil”. That has saved me from doing things I would have regretted.