http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art6827.asp
Mental Health Site
Carissa Vaughn
BellaOnline’s Mental Health Editor
The Mind of the Abuser
Guest Author - Sam Vaknin
Author of “Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited”
Important Comment
Most abusers are men. Still, some are women. We use the masculine and
feminine adjectives and pronouns ('he", his", “him”, “she”, her") to
designate both sexes: male and female as the case may be.
To embark on our exploration of the abusive mind, we first need to agree on
a taxonomy of abusive behaviours. Methodically observing abuse is the surest
way of getting to know the perpetrators.
Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At
home, they are intimidating and suffocating monsters – outdoors, they are
wonderful, caring, giving, and much-admired pillars of the community. Why
this duplicity?
It is only partly premeditated and intended to disguise the abuser’s acts.
More importantly, it reflects his inner world, where the victims are nothing
but two-dimensional representations, objects, devoid of emotions and needs,
or mere extensions of his self. Thus, to the abuser’s mind, his quarries do
not merit humane treatment, nor do they evoke empathy.
Typically, the abuser succeeds to convert the abused into his worldview. The
victim – and his victimizers – don’t realize that something is wrong with
the relationship. This denial is common and all-pervasive. It permeates
other spheres of the abuser’s life as well. Such people are often
narcissists – steeped in grandiose fantasies, divorced from reality,
besotted with their False Self, consumed by feelings of omnipotence,
omniscience, entitlement, and paranoia.
Contrary to stereotypes, both the abuser and his prey usually suffer from
disturbances in the regulation of their sense of self-worth. Low self-esteem
and lack of self-confidence render the abuser – and his confabulated self –
vulnerable to criticism, disagreement, exposure, and adversity – real or
imagined.
Abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional
insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to
exert control – for instance, over one’s spouse – by “annexing” her,
“possessing” her, and “punishing” her for being a separate entity, with her
own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.
In her seminal tome, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, Patricia Evans
lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and
emotional (psychological) abuse:
Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the
spouse’s statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions,
possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor,
blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation,
changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing,
undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and
denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.
To these we can add:
Wounding “honesty”, ignoring, smothering, dotting, unrealistic expectations,
invasion of privacy, tactlessness, sexual abuse, physical maltreatment,
humiliating, shaming, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and
discarding, being unpredictable, reacting disproportionately, dehumanizing,
objectifying, abusing confidence and intimate information, engineering
impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse.
In his comprehensive essay, “Understanding the Batterer in Custody and
Visitation Disputes”, Lundy Bancroft observes:
“Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and
responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim.
Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or
efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression
AGAINST him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of
events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He
thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same
extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the
members of the couple ‘abuse each other’ and that the relationship has been
’mutually hurtful’.”
Yet, whatever the form of ill-treatment and cruelty – the structure of the
interaction and the roles played by abuser and victim are the same.
Identifying these patterns – and how they are influenced by prevailing
social and cultural mores, values, and beliefs – is a first and
indispensable step towards recognizing abuse, coping with it, and
ameliorating its inevitable and excruciatingly agonizing aftermath.
==============================================================
Author Bio
Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and
After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for
Central Europe Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and
Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business
Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe
categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Related Links:
Topics in Personality Disorders
Abuse in Relationships
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
Related Articles
Previous Features
Site Map
Content copyright © 2007 by Sam Vaknin. All rights reserved.
This content was written by Sam Vaknin. If you wish to use this content in
any manner, you need written permission. Contact Carissa Vaughn for details.