The Mind of the Abuser

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art6827.asp

Mental Health Site
Carissa Vaughn
BellaOnline’s Mental Health Editor

The Mind of the Abuser
Guest Author - Sam Vaknin

Author of “Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited”

Important Comment

Most abusers are men. Still, some are women. We use the masculine and
feminine adjectives and pronouns ('he", his", “him”, “she”, her") to
designate both sexes: male and female as the case may be.

To embark on our exploration of the abusive mind, we first need to agree on
a taxonomy of abusive behaviours. Methodically observing abuse is the surest
way of getting to know the perpetrators.

Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At
home, they are intimidating and suffocating monsters – outdoors, they are
wonderful, caring, giving, and much-admired pillars of the community. Why
this duplicity?

It is only partly premeditated and intended to disguise the abuser’s acts.
More importantly, it reflects his inner world, where the victims are nothing
but two-dimensional representations, objects, devoid of emotions and needs,
or mere extensions of his self. Thus, to the abuser’s mind, his quarries do
not merit humane treatment, nor do they evoke empathy.

Typically, the abuser succeeds to convert the abused into his worldview. The
victim – and his victimizers – don’t realize that something is wrong with
the relationship. This denial is common and all-pervasive. It permeates
other spheres of the abuser’s life as well. Such people are often
narcissists – steeped in grandiose fantasies, divorced from reality,
besotted with their False Self, consumed by feelings of omnipotence,
omniscience, entitlement, and paranoia.

Contrary to stereotypes, both the abuser and his prey usually suffer from
disturbances in the regulation of their sense of self-worth. Low self-esteem
and lack of self-confidence render the abuser – and his confabulated self –
vulnerable to criticism, disagreement, exposure, and adversity – real or
imagined.

Abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional
insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to
exert control – for instance, over one’s spouse – by “annexing” her,
“possessing” her, and “punishing” her for being a separate entity, with her
own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.

In her seminal tome, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, Patricia Evans
lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and
emotional (psychological) abuse:

Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the
spouse’s statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions,
possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor,
blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation,
changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing,
undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and
denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.

To these we can add:

Wounding “honesty”, ignoring, smothering, dotting, unrealistic expectations,
invasion of privacy, tactlessness, sexual abuse, physical maltreatment,
humiliating, shaming, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and
discarding, being unpredictable, reacting disproportionately, dehumanizing,
objectifying, abusing confidence and intimate information, engineering
impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse.

In his comprehensive essay, “Understanding the Batterer in Custody and
Visitation Disputes”, Lundy Bancroft observes:

“Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and
responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim.
Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or
efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression
AGAINST him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of
events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He
thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same
extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the
members of the couple ‘abuse each other’ and that the relationship has been
’mutually hurtful’.”

Yet, whatever the form of ill-treatment and cruelty – the structure of the
interaction and the roles played by abuser and victim are the same.
Identifying these patterns – and how they are influenced by prevailing
social and cultural mores, values, and beliefs – is a first and
indispensable step towards recognizing abuse, coping with it, and
ameliorating its inevitable and excruciatingly agonizing aftermath.

==============================================================

Author Bio

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and
After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for
Central Europe Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and
Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business
Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe
categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Related Links:
Topics in Personality Disorders
Abuse in Relationships
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Related Articles
Previous Features
Site Map

Content copyright © 2007 by Sam Vaknin. All rights reserved.
This content was written by Sam Vaknin. If you wish to use this content in
any manner, you need written permission. Contact Carissa Vaughn for details.

Hi, Mamolie,

I have written to Oprah a total of 17 (!) times since 2003. They don’t respond - not even by autoresponder!

Will try again. But it would be FAR more efficient to contact local and
national papers and TV stations - which is what I advise all of you to do.

READ ON

Help spread the word - Forward this message to interested parties and
relevant discussion groups!

Refer journalists and editors to my media kit:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html

Pathological narcissism may be the undiscovered, and most under-reported,
epidemic of our age.

Some (like Christopher Lasch) say that our whole civilization is infected
with narcissism.

Many (maybe even the majority of) criminals and abusers are narcissists, or
have narcissistic traits.

So what is “Narcissistic Abuse”?

All of these, and more, are part of it:

  • Emotional abuse,
  • Mental cruelty,
  • Systematic abusive manipulation,
  • Pathological control,
  • Pathological deceit,

Narcissistic Abuse can, and does, occur in any setting. It can affect one
person, or an entire community.

  • In a relationship,
  • In a family,
  • In the workplace,
  • In School or College
  • In any other community,

Wherever it occurs, Narcissistic Abuse always causes lasting damage , often
serious damage, sometimes very permanent damage.

Narcissistic Abuse is difficult to prove at all, let alone sanction or
control.

For the victims recovery can take far to long. There are too few resources
and too little is understood.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO TOGETHER TO CHANGE THAT?

(I can be contacted directly for any assistance I can give, with the
following, at palma@unet.com.mk)

  1. Ask your local library to buy books about narcissism and narcissistic
    abuse.
  2. Ask your local bookstores to buy books about narcissism and narcissistic
    abuse.
  3. Contact journalists, columnists, talk show hosts, and other
    people in the media and tell them about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
  4. Establish an online or offline reading group, perhaps in
    collaboration with your local library or bookstore.
  5. Tell your psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, or social worker
    about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
  6. Open your OWN NARCISSISM WEB SITE! Mirror (replicate) my web site
    content FREE of charge - and let me help you, step by step, to create
    your web site! (contact me: palma@unet.com.mk)

HOW CAN I HELP YOU FURTHER?

I can provide:

  • Annotated lists of recommended reading
  • Resources, links, reading group guides, and tutorials
  • Copies of my book and other materials
  • Background material and references
  • I am available for interviews and know of others who are
  • Any other assistance that may be needed

Help fight Narcissistic Abuse!

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “mamolie” npd-cpt6060@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 9:01 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] The Mind of the Abuser

Who told you that I am afraid to “move forward”? How do you presume to know
so much about me?

I have recently featured in a Channel 4 documentary in the UK (search the
Wikipedia for Egomania), titled “Egomania” and in a long Sunday Times
article.

What makes you think I haven’t contacted Oprah? 17 times, to be precise. Not
a single response.

Maybe you should all set a less grandiose and fantastic goal to yourselves.

It would be FAR more efficient to contact local and national papers and TV
stations - which is what I advise all of you to do.

READ ON

Help spread the word - Forward this message to interested parties and
relevant discussion groups!

Refer journalists and editors to my media kit:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html

Pathological narcissism may be the undiscovered, and most under-reported,
epidemic of our age.

Some (like Christopher Lasch) say that our whole civilization is infected
with narcissism.

Many (maybe even the majority of) criminals and abusers are narcissists, or
have narcissistic traits.

So what is “Narcissistic Abuse”?

All of these, and more, are part of it:
· Emotional abuse,
· Mental cruelty,
· Systematic abusive manipulation,
· Pathological control,
· Pathological deceit,

Narcissistic Abuse can, and does, occur in any setting. It can affect one
person, or an entire community.

· In a relationship,
· In a family,
· In the workplace,
· In School or College
· In any other community,

Wherever it occurs, Narcissistic Abuse always causes lasting damage , often
serious damage, sometimes very permanent damage.

Narcissistic Abuse is difficult to prove at all, let alone sanction or
control.

For the victims recovery can take far to long. There are too few resources
and too little is understood.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO TOGETHER TO CHANGE THAT?

(I can be contacted directly for any assistance I can give, with the
following, at palma@unet.com.mk)

  1. Ask your local library to buy books about narcissism and narcissistic
    abuse.

  2. Ask your local bookstores to buy books about narcissism and narcissistic
    abuse.

  3. Contact journalists, columnists, talk show hosts, and other
    people in the media and tell them about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

  4. Establish an online or offline reading group, perhaps in
    collaboration with your local library or bookstore.

  5. Tell your psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, or social worker
    about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

  6. Open your OWN NARCISSISM WEB SITE! Mirror (replicate) my web site
    content FREE of charge - and let me help you, step by step, to create
    your web site! (contact me: palma@unet.com.mk)

HOW CAN I HELP YOU FURTHER?

I can provide:
· Annotated lists of recommended reading
· Resources, links, reading group guides, and tutorials
· Copies of my book and other materials
· Background material and references
· I am available for interviews and know of others who are
· Any other assistance that may be needed

Help fight Narcissistic Abuse!

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “maryb2100” npd-cpt6060@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 5:09 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] The Mind of the Abuser

I AM LAUGHING AS WELL…
On Sep 25, 2007, at 10:04 AM, samvaknin wrote:

Ranting and venting won’t get you far.

Do you have any practical, specific suggestions about what I might do and
how to go about it?

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “maryb2100” npd-cpt6060@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 3:30 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] The Mind of the Abuser

Wow Sam you can reply when you want too!Why is it that when we asked you to stand up for us and be open about this and try to reach the public you ignore our requests and now suddenly you are making quotes all over this site from your book.Reply to us like a real man using your words that are not in your book.I’m loosing my respect for you.Take care.

I HAVE A SUSPICION THAT SAM IS JUST A SECRETARY PRETENDING TO BE SAM.
On Sep 25, 2007, at 9:30 AM, maryb2100 wrote:

http://samvak.tripod.master.com/texis/master/search/?q=paranoid

:o))

(On behalf of Dr. Sam Vaknin)

Chief Secretary, Clara

----- Original Message -----
From: “bup” npd-cpt6060@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 3:46 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] The Mind of the Abuser

VOILA, MY INSTINCTS WERE CORRECT!

On Sep 25, 2007, at 9:55 AM, samvaknin wrote:

First, I advise you to acquire a sense of humor. This symbol :o)) is known
as smiley. It means: “I am laughing, smiling, don’t take it seriously”.

Once you have acquired a sense of humor, read about paranoids and paranoia
by clicking on these links:

http://samvak.tripod.master.com/texis/master/search/?q=paranoid

http://samvak.tripod.master.com/texis/master/search/?q=paranoia

Sam (Clara doesn’t exist unfortunately. I wish I had one! …:o))

----- Original Message -----
From: “bup” npd-cpt6060@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 3:59 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] The Mind of the Abuser

Thank -you for your reply.Yes I do have a suggestion.Why don’t you get in touch with Oprah and explain to her and the public about NPD,it would help many people as it has helped me to understand.This to me is a win-win.People will be able to put a name to their suffering and you will be admired.Why are you afraid to move forward in reaching more people?You can handle Oprah!I think this is something you can and should do.Please reply in your words.

Millions of people watch Oprah;a sure Mecca for Narcissistic Supply.

Easy to say “You should get on Oprah”. hat’s the point of repeating it like
a mantra?

How to get on Oprah? Do you have a clue? Any practical - repeat: PRACTICAL -
steps or ideas? Any personal contacts with producers on the show? With Oprah
herself? Maybe an online petition?

Get me on Oprah and, of course, I will be there!

Sam

----- Original Message -----
From: “healed1” npd-cpt6060@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2007 5:50 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] The Mind of the Abuser

Thank you Sam.This is what we have been waiting for.We will do all we can to get you on Oprah.

Thanks Sam! We are all going to write to Oprah on Oct.10.She will get a flood of emails from us here on this site.Thank-you for your courage and stepping up to the plate.I know you can do this.Your understanding and knowledge of NPD will bring forth an awareness that that needs to be heard.You will not be mocked but admired for doing this.My prayers and thanks to you

Dear Oprah:

This summer, a group of anonymous people (mostly women) have been
writing to each other in a chat room regarding Narcissistic
Personality Disorder. We have contacted an author named Sam Vankin,
who wrote Malignant Self Love-Naricissism Revisited, who admits that
he himself suffers from NPD. If you invite him after reading our
letters, he agreed to support us and go on your show to discuss this
twisted disorder.

Having seen OJ in the news, we all agreed wholeheartedly that he has
this disorder. It needs to be brought to the forefront of our
society because it is causing great pain among women and some men.
Sam will be able to explain the details of the disorder.

You are going to receive a number of letters from our group in early
October, hoping that some how a correlation will be made in your
office that indeed this topic needs to be addressed. My realization
of NPD came earlier this year. My therapist mentioned the word
narcissism and I decided to look it up on the internet. The
definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder popped up and my
cloudy sky turned to a crystal blue. My world view has changed entirely.

My father and brother have NPD. I have been the main scapegoat since
my co-dependent, co-narcissistic (and wonderful) mother died ten
years ago. Being a victim of narcissistic abuse, I can tell you
first hand that you lose your self-esteem, your spirituality, your
creativity, your balance, and your ability to live in peace. They
never laid a hand on me, but their indifference and covert twisted
abuse has caused me serious mental anguish. I am not sure I will ever
be able to recover, but we hope by doing this, others will have a
chance at recognizing this harmful disorder.

Best regards,

Anonymous

On Sep 25, 2007, at 11:58 AM, samvaknin wrote:

Thank you Sam for all your information!!! - I don’t know what I would have done had I not read excerpts from Malignant Self Love…and this comment today told my story, except it is my MOTHER!!! And family in denial.

You were telling my story of my life. Thanks for being out there - now we just need to take all this public somehow!

Vikib

You ,also ,Sam could email all your information to her site on the same day we do, Send it as many times are you can, what we can hope for, is the subject on the emails" Narcissistic personality disorder," gets someones attention, and they are compelled to read some if not all of the emails for NPD. I plan on sending my story several times. I will spend all day, non stop, emailing, NPD, in subject and to contact you and bring attention to this disorder. Maybe an on going email campaign till some one ,takes notice of this disorder. Can we count on you to join in the email campaign? Go on her site, places for, be on the show, or ideas for a show, put all your info in there, you have a book, send her your book with your media package. We will also keep emailing till we are heard. I thank you for responding. Lets all work together on this and see what we all can do.
Thanks, mamolie

How do I email my letter Mamolie? I can’t seem to find it on the
Oprah.com website…
On Sep 25, 2007, at 3:01 PM, mamolie wrote:

I’m in. Let’s hope it works.