Hi All -
My N who is usually not very attentive or affectionate seems to be acting uncharacteristically so. He also doesn’t seem as interested in sex the last couple of times we’ve been together which is also uncharacteristic.
Could this means he’s in idealization mode?
I’d love to help, but am confused. Do you mean he is acting more affectionate than usual, but doesn’t want sex? How long have you been together?
Yes Angiezee,acting more affectionate than usual - not really wanting sex although he will if I initiate.
Honestly, I am not sure what it could “mean”. Mine was very affectionate in the beginning - in the “wooing and winning” phase. Attentive and sweet. But, sex was usually just to “relieve” himself I think. He rarely “made love” to me, if that makes sense. Someone here once described having sex with a cerebral narcissist as being their vehicle to have sex. In my case, really no foreplay - he was ready, he’d reach for me and be done with it - great!! NOT!! Remember that whatever they do, they do to get something. If you’ve been with him for any length of time, you’re probably past the initial idealization phase. Has he devalued you yet?
Back to La-la Land
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal78.html
Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5013
Narcissists, psychopaths, sex, and marital fidelity
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4920
Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5000
Does the Narcissist Have a Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity
Disorder)?
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4950
Narcissists as Drama Queens
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4948
Narcissists and Mood Disorders
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5067
----- Original Message -----
From: “Helpplease” npd-cpt7451@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Sunday, January 13, 2008 11:09 PM
Subject: [npd] What could this mean
Angiezee,
Definate devaluation. I guess fortunately my N is Somatic if you can say you can at all be fortunate in our situation eh?
Sam,
The first link hit the name on the head- I’m in a position of power right now because I recently gave him a week to himselp thinking he wasn’t going to hear from me in a couple of months - no contact type e-mail. Go figure I last a week but certainly got a lot off my chest about what has been bothering me.
Told him he doesn’t ask me to “events” anymore and of course I got one this past weekend for the first time in months. Although I gracefully declined and told him just to stop by on the way home.
He came to my house a couple of days ago to put together a TV stand and you may know what a pain in the butt that is! His friend commented while my N was putting it together - he said he thought my N coming and actually do this for me was a milestone in this guy knowing him - he’s know him for 15 years at least and was honestly surprised my N would come and do this for me. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop though. Right now I have a little power but I’m smart enough to know that won’t last even if it still exist.
Sure wish I could figure out how to keep that power. I think it’s interesting what he had on his online personal ad “Idealist Virgo needs a Spanking”. He has told me this does not mean physically. I read into this that he believes he needs someone to keep him in check/line. What does everyone think?
Thanks!
HP
Thank you for your kind words!
How to Cope with Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily19.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily20.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/5.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq80.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal56.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal68.html
Strategies for Coping with Abusers (General)
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse17.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse19.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse20.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21b.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse12.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse13.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse5.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse6.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily13.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily5.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily6.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily8.html
Working with the System and with Professionals
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily10.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily11.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily12.html
How to Cope with Stalkers and Paranoids
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse15.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse16.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily14.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily16.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily17.html
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily18.html
Take care there!
Sam
----- Original Message -----
From: “Helpplease” npd-cpt7451@lists.careplace.com
To: palma@unet.com.mk
Sent: Tuesday, January 15, 2008 1:22 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] What could this mean
Just recieved some interesting information.
It seems that “DHughes” may have been made a moderator on Femfree’s groups
(Has anyone got confirmation of this? One way or the other?), which, as
Femfree’s groups are at the heart of the sick little online cult around Sam
Vaknin, and absolutely rife with re-victimisation, would certainly explain
why Careplace is offering a mandate to abuse anyone who does not blindly
follow Sam Vaknin, and particularly me, to any extent they like, without
censure - whilst ensuring NB that I cannot delete this account and my
personal files, OR stop the mail outs of these abuses of myself landing in
my inbox.
They have refused to reply to any of my requests for an explanation, and/or
deletion of the account for well over two weeks now.
I really, REALLY wonder just WHAT the game IS here???
Somehow doubt if it involves “serving humanity” unless with a side salad and
an order of fries.
GD
----- Original Message -----
From: “samvaknin” npd-cpt7451@lists.careplace.com
To: blitzen@utvinternet.com
Sent: Tuesday, January 15, 2008 9:09 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] What could this mean
I am wondering why you think it’s fortunate that yours is a somatic N? And, you’re right - what’s fortunate about any of this? But, why do you think somatic is better than cerebral? Just curious…
Angiezee,
Good question - in my case I like the fact that he is very sexual - don’t think I could be with anyone that wasn’t. Make sense?
Helpplease
Oh, it does make sense - and, honestly, it bothered me that mine wasn’t more sexual. I had a much higher sex drive than he did - it was odd. Sex was only about making love to me in the very early stages - after that, it was just like I described - no foreplay, no passion - like it “scratched an itch” (which it did essentially). Now, truth be known, I couldn’t have taken that forever - but, didn’t have to. In hindsight, though, knowing about the different kinds of Ns, I still would rather have that than know he was sleeping around with other women. That is something I can’t take.
I have decided to respond to this particular forum because I can truly understand what Helpplease is saying, although my ex was definately a cerebral narcisisist. I did not look at the sites Sam Vaknin suggested because of my limit of time, however, I believe that the interest in sex is not about intimacy at all. Somantic narcissists, I believe, use their body as a means, but that both types look at women as whore vs. madonna; the madonna/whore syndrome. My husband, the cerebral, would sometimes have sex if I initiated (particularly after alcohol), but many times he would moan and groan, whimper and moan, or out and out scream at me when I came near. It was so strange to me, that I thought he was joking in the beginning, only to learn that he wasn’t, when he pushed me so hard that I fell, and screamed at me to leave him alone when I came near him, thinking it was all play; needless to say, I cried, I was very confused and had no idea what or who I was up against.
Angiezee, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!!! I experienced exactly the same as you, of course had no clue at the time, just thought that he was inexperienced with woman and didn’t feel comfortable taking charge, and so much more in thoughts; NO FOREPLAY! And devaluation became the norm, at some point there was no more idealization, only devaluation.
My suggestion for keeping the power is moving on and finding someone who can show you the love you deserve–with more experience and no hang-ups when it comes to sex or anything, and who loves you for who YOU ARE!
Mariel Lee
You are right - we do all deserve better. He really was odd - I’ve ALWAYS been able to initiate and “play” and be the sexual person I am. I’ve always loved touch and, if I truly cared about someone, I loved rubbing their backs etc. My N did not want me to touch him like that - ever! Who doesn’t like a massage or a simple neck rub or back scratch??
No Sam,
It was actually '99 -2000…I remember distinctly, because you were sniping
at Oliver at the time and I hadn’t even met him in '98.
GD
----- Original Message -----
From: “samvaknin” npd-cpt7451@lists.careplace.com
To: blitzen@utvinternet.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 16, 2008 7:35 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] What could this mean
And that’s my cue to bow out and let you three enjoy fighting over any remaining scraps.
bon appetit!
Dear Ladies,
I swore I would only post jokes but then maybe this conversation is close enough to that by trying to make it a Narcissistic Personality disorder, so it is fitting I draw it back to reality.
Sex drives are hormonal, testesterone and a fertile female being the two most important ingredients for him to maintain interest. Sure he was interested up front because he was frustrated and looking for anywhere to stick it. After that, you better cook right (so to produce that hormone), get creative and be stimulating enough to fool that “cerebral” fortex or he will be bored and looking elsewhere to do what sex is suppose to do - reproduce. It is basic biology - 101.
Love? My ass. I can elaborate on that. It is about reproduction and when you are beyond that, biologicaly speaking, you are no longer sexual - you are neither a male nor female. Out of the game so to speak.
Ladies, it is not his problem, it is yours to deal with if you want to keep him as a partner. This has nothing to do with NPD. Sorry - call it what ever you want to. You are really only talking life issues.
I dunno Susiejo…
As I get older I seem to become more attractive to younger guys…
Maybe in older generations, when we would have both been LONG gone and
replaced…through childbirth (the only “First Wives” club then met in the
cemetary after midnight) men were programmed to respond to reproduction…
But surely they have evolved…besides, anthropologically, when the
population density is too great for natural comfort (as it is in most of our
major cities) the biological drive switches gear and is impelled towards
sterile sex for a few generations until it gets sorted out…
Than means, older women, other guys, and the good old five finger shuffle…
There has never BEEN a better time to be over the hill…particularly if you
move to Japan…
When a guy isn’t interested, age has nothing to do with it…it just means
he doesn’t find you attractive, period…
…and, in my experience, very few guys find women who hang around ripping
other women to shreds for entertainment, attractive.
Would you?
GD
----- Original Message -----
From: “susiejo” npd-cpt7451@lists.careplace.com
To: blitzen@utvinternet.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 16, 2008 1:20 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] What could this mean
When a guy isn't interested, age has nothing to do with it...it just means he doesn't find you attractive, period... ----
That's silly... there of course could be many, many reasons why a person, man or woman, might not enjoy touch/sensuality/sexuality ...ever, or at certain times in life, including past sexual tauma, personal temperment/tastes, hypersensitivity, and changes or issues in mental or physical health too numerous to mention here. I have read of a tendancy in some men w/ aspergers to find touch unpleasant, I have seen several links written up relating aspergers to npd recently. Lack of interest in sex is can be a sign of depression. It could be due to many, many things. But, if a person doens't find the partner 'attractive' most likely they would not be in bed w/ them in the first place. In even relativly normal couples who used ot like sex together and find eachother 'attractive' a build-up of unresolved issues or conflict can create resentment and kill desire for each other. This is a very complicated and individual issue. My bf can be narcisstic and I think may be a bit apergers but he is extremely sensual and loves touch and sexuality. Everyone is different, there are no cookie cutter people, and unfortuantely there are no easy answers.
Well I have Aspergers…and if I find you attractive I WANT you to touch
me…ideally all night long…prrrrrrr
…and all the male Aspies I know are horny little toads who would jump
anything…
So THAT snipe missed it’s mark a bit. But…RESPECT…it was a nice
try…:o)
I have very simply never met a man, of ANY psychiatric or neurological
configuration, who was attracted to women who get their kicks out of
bitching and tearing other people apart.
GD
----- Original Message -----
From: “smg” npd-cpt7451@lists.careplace.com
To: blitzen@utvinternet.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 16, 2008 2:10 AM
Subject: Re: [npd] What could this mean
smg, Many reasons any thing would not enjoy sex, especially from the world of psychological CRAP The LIE is that we have sex for any reason other than to reproduce. Believe what you want to. Create your own fantasies and call “him” the one with delusions of grandeur. There is no rational sense in all the bullshit and what goes on this board. You are buying into fucking bullshit and it is not telling you ANYTHING about the person you love.So cut my throat for saying so.
Sam is not telling you anything about that person other than he is a vampire - I mean, do you have a brain even? I think you do but USE IT. Does any of this crap make sense? Sam, all these other scams, are not there for you. He is selling a book, and they are living their sorry pathetic lives on the internet - Sam is a scam major, opportuning on distress because there is profit in it. That jerk is not exactly employable elsewhere.
You are with your guy because he is a super guy, right for you, but there is something not right. And what is not right is not that he is a vampire. Grow up. You have a brain, use it. GIVE ME FEEDBACK - SHARE WITH ME BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH IT!! I know so many on here are full of major fucking bullshit, they are whiny babies. I honest to God wish I had a place to share truth o f my life. Buy I do not and neither do you.
Sorry, I experienced a true NPD, 1% of the population. Most of those on this board are primadonna fucking phonies about nothing but themselves.
This board is bad, very bad.