What is the root cause of NPD?

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

At the root of all this,is the big question…why are we attracted to these types in the first place!!and more than that…will we fall for it again and are we destined only to"love"people that are bad for us.

What is/has gone on here? is it a case of low self-esteem? father/mother figures? upbringing?

Why have we been N magnets and will we ever be truly happy with anyone else? Is it just the charm/show that gets/got us hooked? And we merely fall for an ideal?

Like to know what others think…i dont think it is always a"codependant issue,or the inverted narcissist thing…these people seem to be fantastic seducers…and its SO easy to fall for it!

#2

Dear Spiralupwards,

I often ask myself the same thing. You are right thee people are amazingly charming and project a great image initially, which is hard NOT to fall for. Because it’s so ‘fairy tale like’ and who would want a soul mate/knight in shining armor?

I really wish I could answer that for you, but I can’t. I don’t know what the next person who comes along would be like.
But as far as happiness goes. I assure you that you will be happy. In fact, you already are a happy person; you truly care about people, you are in touch with your emotions, you have the ability to love and understand…that is great!
I pray you find your non-N partner and live happily forever!

#3

Fancynancy…you too will find 'the one"the one that truly deserves you…x
Your reply as regards the"fairy tale"thing is so true…they create a bit of magic…BUT…once the spell wears off that magic becomes a curse!They"reveal themselves"as we all do…but there is NOTHING there…meantime we have been’hooked"and hang on in there waiting for the’magic" to return.BUT it wasnt "real"they were fake,actors.
All the worlds a stage and we are just"bit part"players.
Perhaps the"reality check"we get although very painful…serves to teach us to not be drawn into anyones’reality"delusion"however exciting escapist that may be…!?

#4

Wow how true. I stupidly let him know what I had to have in a man for them to be with me and he morphed himself into that. It was a great 3 months and then slowly but surely the “real” person started to appear. What a shocker that was and one day leads to two which leads to “hear I am 2 1/2 years later”… wondering wtf?

#5

love it…WTF indeed…says it all really,it takes a brave brave person to"hang on in there"…lol,but hang on in there we do!!!and whats weven weirder,is that if we lose them we actually’miss"them…uh?
Masochists?or just very caring people that have fallen for it?
Whatever…its like a car crash…just have to look/get involved…lol

#6

I was wondering about this myself. “WHY?” Why did I do this to myself? We all know relationships are not easy, it takes work on both sides. But with an N there’s some serious manipulating going on. The kind of manipulation you wouldn’t understand no matter how hard you tried. I discovered so many things about my Ex since our relationship ended that I feel like I slept with a stranger.

#7

you slept with a …g "illusion"something that did not/does not really"exist"something weird and wonderful,a’shapechanger"an actor…a fraud.
Perhaps they’tune in’somehow and become all/more than we ever wanted…crafty eh?
T

#8

I guess that is the problem with relationships with N’s. It’s just ‘us’ trying to make sense of the whole situation, putting in the effort.
Whereas, the N’s don’t do anything. They are just on a mission to ruin things. Sometimes I think how ‘easy’ it was for him. All he had to do was disagree with whatever I said.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Wonder why we all send our brains on vacation when we are with N’s?

#9

send our brains on vacations…thats it!
Reality?fantasy…i mean theres nOTHING wrong with a bit of fantasy…lol…but when reality kicks in…its all the more painful.
Perhaps these people are"ideals"?unconscius"wish fullfillment"?
Better be careful in futer what we"wish for"the dream come true can turn into a total nightmare.

#10

you could have somethinghere…unavailable and unable to love them…i didnt know that.
I thought that co-dependants were scared of abandonment and pandered to Ns in order to keep them?a’symbiosis"thing,a merger.
i must admit that i always went for emotionally unavailable men for the reason that i am fiercly independant…i like a challenge.BUT i have got an N father…and now wonder if i was looking for some kind of"father figure"god forbid,(without being aware!) and wonder if i fit the"co’ category now…lol
No…Christie was only 30 when he said she was “too old”???
What a horrible little man he is!..hes no"oil painting"himself.
she was famous/desired/beautiful when she was the"in thing"
and good for attention ego,i suppose…(.i didnt know he was an N though)

#11

Hi Everyone,
I have not been posting lately,since i have been reading and doing research that would prepare me for a healthier relationship next time around.The biggest questions are: How do we avoid these relationships in the future,What are the red flags,How to spot a Narcissist etc.

I remember early on, when i first found out about NPD online and read as much as i could about the disorder,it was also said that NPD’s attract codependants.My optimism soared upon learning that codependants can be healed.

I have since read the book Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.I saw myself clearly while reading that book.Although the book is written by a woman for women,the author acknowledges that some men can also love too much.
She ultimately suggest that we heal ourselves, to be better equipped to receive true love.

I also read today that the court psychiatrist in the Christie Brinkly divorce case said that Christy Brinkley’s husband is a narcissist and that she should pay attention to the men she chooses.

#12

RE:Christie.
Years ago I read that billy joel said that christie was now deemed "old"and he neded"new women’…!
i dont think its always a co-dependant thing…or a rescuer thing…sometimes just kind,genuinely caring people get"sucked in"they are not in it for any form of "control"and are quite often independant people.(not co-dependant)
Perhaps the Ns tap into empathy and see people as a "soft touch"as they are needy themselves?

#13

It’s interesting that you mention that Billy Joel needed a younger woman,i was not aware of this,but husband #3 misrepresented himself and #4 is called a narcissist by the court psychiatrist.

While some women who have had such experiences are not necessarily codependant,codependants do not seek to control in relationships,but find themselves in relatoinships with partners that are unavailable and unable to love them.

#14

I was attracted to my ex because she seemed like she was going to self destruct and that she needed to be rescued. At the time I think I mistook pity for love, but my intentions were good.

#15

mistook pity for love?..they are somewhat the same?
There are strong people in this world…and the weaker…needy people clash with needy people…strong people clash with strong people??
Wastedyout you have a point…rescuer…but isnthat an empathatic thing to do?
Perhaps spme do it cos it makes them’feel good"or in control…but other do it for the’right reasons’they are just kind and caring.
I have"beaten myself up"over this one many a time…ii would NEVER feed off anyone elses weaknesses(knowingly)but i do have a soft spot …lol…and i always think that there is"something deeper"in people that dont show their feelings…with Ns thats not the case?
Best wishes all

#16

I have something to say about this. I read alot of financial books and there was this lesson on loaning money. Never loan more than you can afford to give. Meaning if the person doesn’t pay you back can you still make ends meet. We must have boundaries that protect us from other peoples issues. If you loan a friend your rent money and your friend doesn’t pay you back. You seriously jeopardize your living standards.

In relationships with N’s we often miss this fact. They demand more and more and more…etc. When do we draw the line and take care of us? Where are our personal boundaries? Why do we sacrifice ourselves? Why don’t we value us! Helping those in need makes you feel good. It’s like saying God has blessed me and I want to share that with you. When you share you open your heart. Narcissists will take advantage of this, you can’t give enough to a narcissist. Sacrificing yourself at the alter of Narcissism is codependant behavior. We need to learn to draw the line.

#17

Although these N’s are needy etc,they also attract us with their charm,inteligence,goodlooks and flattery.They are usually seen as quite a catch to the natural eye.

#18

doubledee…what you said is so true the loan analogy thing…emotional energy"transfer"its like a bank transfer really…an investment that doesnt pay off and drains the acount…thanks for sharing that thought.
And it also fits with Freuds stuff…psychic energy…one "gives and doesnt receive back,therefore our "psyches"have been short-changed!weve been bankrupted!nothing left emotionally…

#19

Spiralupwards,
While codependants do have some abandonment issues,they generally seek to take care of another,rescue etc.A codependant may meet a potential partner,who may be needy,sad,or tell of their childhood and or past pains.The codependant might even observe this individuals need for help,and assume the role of lover,friend,caregiver;basically the codependant believes that he or she can inadvertently make a difference in this persons life.

Women or men who love too much aka codependants have had some disfunction in their childhoods and in their adulthoods,relate to their partners accordingly.We do these things unknowingly.(example)Growing up with a difficult or unavailable father,a woman may find herself in a relationdhip with a difficult man whom she tries to change,because she now has to win or repair her past.There is also some addiction involved,and this is why it is so hard to let go.

All of the above things are done innocently,we do not purposely choose this path.It is our schema.

#20

heald…interesting,thanks for that info.
I take your point here,BUT are only selfish,uncaring people not co-dependant?
I went for my last N thinking he was togeather independant and not a bit 'needy"(trying nOT to make previous mistakes)…but there was something sad in his eyes…that was the thing(as you said)i thoughth that he was a lovely person,NOT a bit like my first N who was a complete’psycho"and i learned my lessson well there(so i thought)but the last ones"togeatherness" was the’outside"act, i soon found out,and this person had many childhood"issues"(surprise,surprise!)BUT he wanted to change,so i went for it,then i was “history” for getting too close,and not going along with his’martyr"thing.
I have a real problem with the"co-dependant thing"but perhaps i do in fact have an"understanding"with Ns,and as you said,an unconscious"affinity"even though I have always gone for men who(seemingly) were NOTHING like my father!? will have to have a serious"soul search"about his one!