Narcissist come in all shapes and sizes. My Dad was always well groomed. Hair, nails, suits, teeth. The men I tend to choose are not so fussy about their looks, jeans and T-shirt guys. You think you’re choosing somone who’s not like your n-parent however, it’s your n-parent in a different package.
so it must be an"unconscious choice then…shit!
so that basically means it is impossible to avoid these men/women unless we go for someone we dont get that;attraction"thing…lol…the’chemistry.
Perhaps that is the answer…go for someone who doesnt’do it’for you physically/emotionally speaking?
it just gets worse doesnt it!
Nah not really. You gotta give yourself time. Ask yourself the right questions. Like what you truly value in a man. Attraction is important and can’t be faked. But you can allow yourself time to get to know someone and be attracted to other things about them. As long as the um…right parts are there bad sex can be worked on. LOL But character issues can’t.
it does get worse/…lol
I look for intelligence,sense of humour(big thing)and eccentricity…cerebral Ns fit the bill SOOO nicely…thanks doubledee…learned a lot today x
oh and by the way…(in my experience anyway)…Ns have a great’quirky"sense of humour(some of them)but they cant laugh at themselves…so a man that CAN might just be a’good bet".?
LOL My Ex was a somatic narcissist. When I was little I caught my Dad and Stepmom in bed with another woman. They were sleeping and under the sheets. I remember thinking “oh look daddy had a sleep over”. LMAO, LOL Wow. lol No wonder I’m attracted to the Somatic N’s.
Jeez, now I can’t stop laughing. Thank God for little kids. lol
My Dad was intelligent and had a great sense of humor.
My Ex had an amazing sense of humor too. We were walking down broadway when we saw a sign for the little mermaid musical. He says “what’s with that, everyone knows she can’t dance, she’s a fish” It was the way he said it, very matter of fact, the sky is blue and she’s a fish! I giggled and I’m still giggling. And he wasn’t that bad when it came to laughing at himself. It depended on his mood.
I miss everything that was wonderful about my Ex. His cooking, humor, open mindedness, passion and I can throw the rest out. Add to that, trust, support, respect, empathy, family values and I might have the perfect man. Ofcourse there are some things I can negotiate on, like the cooking. And the others are completely NON-negotiable, like respect! Pay attention to your NON-Negotiables and the next time you meet a man make sure he fits that list. That’s the only way to avoid ending up with narcissist or any other man that doesn’t fit your needs.
spot on…trust,support,empathy and respect…the essentials in a relationship…along with a sense of humour…nirvarna!
without trust,support,empathy and respect…living hell?
I had a list of non-negotiables, but I screwed up and let my cerebral narcissist know what
they were. They are very good at morphing themselves into what you are looking for and
sweeping you off your feet. And if your stupid like me and jump to soon…after they got you
hooked you will start seeing the real them. They can only keep up the charade so long.
I would give anything to relive the first 3 months with him…
 warm regards,
Penny Makowski
Illegitimi Non Carborundum…
----- Original Message ----
From: DoubleDee npd-cpt9698@lists.careplace.com
To: detlawlady@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, July 11, 2008 12:39:55 PM
Subject: Re: [npd] why?
maewest…thats what we hang on for!and it is about 3 months isnt it(weird)but people"reveal themselves"so to speak.
we sort of think its still 'there’dormant,and we can bring it back!?
Well said…"morphing"they can morph into what we want or need…and then try to’morph"us into what they need.
Shit happens…and we just"deal with it"
someone once said to my wise mother"start as you mean to go on"how true is that one!boundary setting from the start.
best wishes
Doubledee is on point.Narcissist do come in all shapes and sizes.The varieties are endless.Spotting or recognising one is not as easy until there is some interaction on deeper levels.They are not exactly varietal specific,but the end result is the same with all,unless they get help;being unable to truly love and receive love.
Anytime i confronted my ex n on something inappropriate that he had done,he would rage at me.Somehow this made him want to defend his ego.Standing up for myself was a turnoff to him.
Don’t pat me on the back cause it wasn’t easy at all. The physical abuse made it easy for me to walk away. And my family got involved when that happened. I had alot to loose by staying. If it had just remained verbal or psychological I might still be with him. I thought I could handle that part. I was wrong about that too.
ego defense…so they actually have very weak egos then.
My last one was hyper-vigilant,paranoid and took everything suspiciously/personally.
I didnt understand at the time…but i now understand that we “trigger them"and they start acting out thier past stuff!What we say/said has nothing to do with"now"more to do with unresolved issues…its like being with a’bomb"
I feel so sorry for these people…it must be awful!..but never the less,its not fair to’project"stuff onto innocent parties…who only want to heal them by giving them the love they never had…in the hope of recieving the love that we never had?in return?..love comes in many"forms”
I think someone mentioned how N’s blow up every 3-4 months. I noticed this with my Ex. First I want to say that I’m taking antidepressants. This is really important because the way I reacted before and the way I react now are very different. Before he would start arguments and I would yell scream and cry, etc. I needed him to hear my side of the story. I needed to defend myself. When we broke up and reconnected last year in October, I had started taking Zoloft. I was clear headed. I remembered the 3 month time period and I promised myself I wouldn’t argue. Afterall I wasn’t wrong why should I defend myself so strongly. Screw it, I didn’t do it, sounds like you have a problem. Well “He” had our first argument in January-08 right on time. I say “He” because I didn’t argue at all. He argued all by himself! It was really crazy. He flipped out and he kept flipping out. When I didn’t respond he resorted to throwing things. And when I still didn’t react he threw himself on the floor and started crying. Now this really got me, who can resist crying. I embraced him and tried to calm him down and the argument was over. His next argument was at the end of March-08 only this time the crying didn’t work. I realized the crying was just another way to pull me in when all else failed. When the crying didn’t work he knocked me down and trashed my house. I had him arrested, he actually resorted to physical violence to get my attention. That was the end of our relationship.
What I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t matter what you do. If they want to argue they really do find a way. I kept saying, I’m not arguing with you and he managed to argue all by himself.
yes thats it…they have all this pain and s…t that they need to get out…on us…they are still angry with their parents?the falling on the floor crying sounds like a child having a tantrum doesnt it…lol
Interesting that you said that he reorted to violence when he didnt get his"own way"my first n was the same…he just wanted a"reaction" and i admire you for walking away…you were worth more,and you knew it…i was not so wise…i stayed and fought…and when he finally went(thank god)i cried not for him…but because of all the things that i had put up with(stupidly),and to be honest i only hung around for that long thinking that the investment would"come good"the banking thing you mentioned doubledee…!
Mine’s happier because he probably married another N and a shit lot more of money and prestige. He can have it and so can she. They are two peas in a pod, the only thing is (unless she is as bad as him) is that she has no clue that he can’t love, and that all she is is Narcissistic Supply; there will never be any substance–but maybe she has no clue either, then they both are robots!
I just want to add my input, and with all due respect to all of you, I disagree with the person who mentioned that it takes courage to stay. Truthfully, it takes more courage and bravery to LEAVE—and that is the healthy answer to all. Staying is unhealthy—leaving is healthy—for you! Not him. But, remember, it’s not about him, it’s about us, the survivors. We ARE the survivors who have the chance to be healed.
And my N too raged very regularly. It came to the point that he smashed his birthday cake in my face as hard as he could because I invited my parents over to help celebrate his birthday. He also smashed my dress to smitherines when I asked him if he could take the dress sensor off that the sales lady left on. When his reply was, “NO!” in front of company, I said, very quietly, “Thanks a lot!” And he went into a fierce RAGE. He began smashing drawers to the kitchen, closets, and finally the trunk of his car, looking for a hammar. He came in with a hammar and began smashing my dress–over and over again, until there was a great big hole in it. He did all of this in front of my friends. He didn’t care about losing it in front of them because they weren’t anything to him. God forbid he act this way in front of his friends or family. He knew when to turn it on and off in front of who. His rages were always loud and out of control over nothing. It was during this time that I saw such hate for me in him—for simply being myself—and I was the best thing he ever had.
“i was the best thing he ever had”…love it!
I remember mine punching through plate glass windows with blood running down his arm,many a time asking for assistance from the police…and being told to’just go and sort this out"…go figure that one!
These psychotic breaks come from"nowhere"but something seems to"trigger"them off…god knows what it is…i dont think that they know either.
by the way…just thought…mine was aLWAYS saying to me’you are just like my mum"I wonder if this is just pure"projection"?
although i was the’opposit"as regards"engulfment."…i just had the same sense of humour!?i just think he got angry to try to make me 'control him’to be honest…he has now got a new girlfriend who throws him out when he starts and even broke his nose…hes happy…hes being dominated!?
ooh thoughtyou might like to knowthis.
My last one(N) married a N woman(before me)…they 'counteract each other completeley…he cowed down to her and they’balanced each other out"she gave HIM the runaround…dumping him and picking him up like a “toy”(swings and roundabouts)used him mercilessly and both were comfortable with no emotion…strangely he craved it from her…but hated it from me!
Are two Ns not the “perfect"co-dependant pair”?
Like treats like as they say…like two spoiled teenagers"playing"at relationships…perhaps one’grown up"and an"arrested teen’have problems?perhaps thats why we had probs with them/
All i know is…iT WAS NEVER OUR FAULT …emotional freedom!!!