What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter what you do. If they want to argue they really do find a way. I kept saying, I'm not arguing with you and he managed to argue all by himself.
I've had that experience myself as well, many times. I've defended myself and had the same experience. I've reiterated and repeated the issue I needed addressed and got a rage in return. The ONLy thing that EVER made it any better, and I did this MOST of the time, was to "shelve" my need/desire/issue after having brought it up, so that I could gently listen, coddle, and EMPATHIZE with HIM until he calmed down.
I had to empathize with HIM...EVERYTIME... or else I was just asking for a rage that would go on for hours and hours and end up with me sobbing and asking HIM to forgive ME...and this was about things he had done that had hurt ME. Crazy-making isnt it?
He didn't care about losing it in front of them because they weren't anything to him. God forbid he act this way in front of his friends or family. He knew when to turn it on and off in front of who. His rages were always loud and out of control over nothing. It was during this time that I saw such hate for me in him---for simply being myself---and I was the best thing he ever had.
My exN in fact told me, when he felt anger toward me love did not exist. He always felt this was normal, feel anger, see hatred, not love. He didnt realize until I told him that normal couples actually feel anger while still loving each other. Not him...nope, I went from being an object of affection to being an object to annihilate in 6 seconds...and it happened like clockwork, every weekend...which means everytime I took the space and time to bring up my needs ("umm...you know what? things arent fair here, theyre not equal, I'm not feeling good about this, I really want to address this and resolve it it").
There's no emotional damage because there's no real emotions. The intense fear of intimacy is not present. They can treat each other like garbage and there's no hard feelings because neither has a sense of self worth.
I actually think my exN would be happy if he changed his list of criteria for his next partner. If instead of someone who is an educated feminist, self-made professional with a defined moral compass
he chose someone less educated, was not interested much in equality or intimacy, who was LOW maintenance (that is satisfied with getting very little after the initial courting/seduction phase ended) and who could join him in revelling over his schemes, deceit and crimes he'd have it MADE!
she would worship the ground he walked on I think, he'd likely never have expectations held over him he'd feel guilt over not rising to, he'd never feel criticized...he'd get to be the perpetual hero.
I dont get why he professes so much hatred for doormats when it seems his history is to try and turn every sensitive, educated empowered woman he's been with into a doormat once he has them.
Why arent they smart enough to choose what they REALLY want right off the bat? why spend so much time making their partners, and themselves miserable, battering them down into something that doesnt resemble in the least the person they were attracted to in the first place?
I have a hard time picturing two N's getting any supply from each other when they really offer nothing in return. Wouldn't you have two people want to be the center of attention and desire admiration with no ability to give it? It just seems like in these relationships at least one of the people has to have a strong ability to compromise things they believe in.
"strong ability to compromise things they believe in" - I have a viceral reaction to this statement, which tells me I found myself in that position, much to my shock and dismay, because really thats self-murder in the end, laying myself on the sacrificial alter like a lamb.
...never again.....if I have to grow old alone, it will be worth it to never find myself in that position ever again...
