Your N-Ex as a child

Narcissistic personality disorder
#1

I heard many stories about my Ex from his family members during the 4 + years we dated. Most of them were fairly nasty. He was teased constanly by neighborhood kids because of his mouth. He was horrible toward his siblings. When he became a teenager he beat the hell out of everything and everyone. He was mean has a hornet. His mother bought him a kitten thinking it would soften him up. He didn’t feed the kitten and it died! His family was scared of him and his parents did not correct his behavior.

I’ve always been a bit spunky. I had a cousin who bothered me constantly. Well I got tired one day and beat the living shit outta him. I remember my Dad breaking us up and I was breathing like a bull. I had just about enough of that boys crap and do or die I was gonna let him know it.

I told my Ex if he was my brother I would have beat the devil outta him. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I am constantly afraid for my physical well being. Even if it’s a family member. I would rather die fighting than to constantly live in fear.

I’ve spoken with a friend who’s Father is a narcissist, and his Fathers childhood was similar to my Ex.

Was your Ex a bad boy/girl?

#2

ooh yes…my long-term ex was a psycho…cruel…violent…substance abuser…wicked streak thriough to the core…spawn of the devil…no kidding.
The last one however…was different…althouth he could be sarcastic and spiteful…the verbals.(more of a passive agressive…lol)a pussycat compared to the other one.
The wicked one drove me to defend myself too…so i know JUST what you mean

#3

My ex is an only child.He is very close to his mother,whom i liked.She is a sweet lady and has been nice to me,although he once told me that she really liked me,our first fight was over her liking me.One evening we went to her home and she was chatting with me and i showed her some of the work i had done on my business and he had this look of discontent on his face.On our way home he said to me"My mother really likes you"i smiled and said that i liked her also,so he said it again and again two hours later,with a look on his face that concerned me.So I replied"what’s there not to like?"and he lost his mind telling me that he did not like drama.

He also told me that his father left his mother before he was born,telling her that her child would be a…Derogotory word for gay,because she was stupid.He told of times when he would watch from his window as his father visited with his grandmother who lived across the street from his house and never came over to visit him.This really hurt him.

His youth and early twenties were filled with drug use and theft,although he had a great education and had many great jobs.

#4

its all about abandonment isnt it…god how your ex hubby must have felt as regarsds his father
My brother has suffered as regards this…my N father didnt bother with him…he ended up the histrionic N type…dying for attention…literally drinking himself to destruction.
He said to me the other day’there is no self’its"out there"he also morphs depending on who he is with.he has no senlf he says…now i undertand what he meant…he was false for years…now hes dropped this whats there?
He has tried SO hard to fight his narcissism…but he says its a “constant maintainance job”,he could easily get’up his own backside"again…he said to me"if i ever get like that again…let me know…which i do…he says’its not about me"all the time.
At least he is trying…kudos…he says’no blaming/shaming…i admire him for that so much

#5

My ex as a baby screamed forever (told by his parents), and on one occasion, the baby (my ex) kept spitting out his cereal at his father, where finally out of frustration, the father told me he spit it back at him.

My ex fought with his older brother a lot, and his mother, whom he screamed at (I was told). But that doesn’t sound so abnormal, as the way it was told to me was “normal like.” I now figure that it must be magnified—as as the an adult, the rages were constant–over NOTHING. I remember coming home with groceries, and seeing his car in the driveway when I pulled up. When I came in and called out to him (for help getting the groceries in), there was no response, I called out again, and when I did, he screamed as loud as he could,
W H A T ??? That seemed to go on forever. This display of behavior became often. It was so frustrating to be a part of it. This is just one of many different episodes.

My ex also HATED me having the center of a discussion, and when I would be talking about myself, because I was asked about my job, etc., he would walk out the door, making sure everyone knew what he was doing and why. In the end, I believe he HATED ME for being just plain ol’ ME, I couldn’t do anything right. He just went along with the motions.

I did get nervous when my son was born and he screamed a lot, etc. My son was never an easy baby, and never easy at all no matter what the age. I still wonder if he has some of these genes, however, he has a great sense of humor, and is extremely nostolgic. He is very loyal to his brother and me when the chips are down. I just keep on praying that whatever traits that resemble dear ol’ dad, they are learned and can be helped. (Fingers Crossed).

#6

this is interesting…Ns do seem to be’screamers’as children…real devil children…it is as if they are born’attention seekers"and afraid of abandonment!9ask their mothers about this)some of them anyway.
it does make you wonder whether there iS a genetic componebt to this?
i have personally found that they seem to have one thing in common…dominating mothers if they are male…so if i ever bother with anyone again,the first question will be"what is.//was your realationship with your mother like?)…depending on the answere i would(hopefully)run for the hills!
(perhaps this should be on how to spot an N!)

#7

What scares me for my son is that I was a dominant mother, in the sense that my husband was NEVER home (he traveled a lot and liked it that way), and when he was home, he wasn’t, if you know what I mean. It took moving mountains to get him back to Earth from his tuning us out or better yet, his fantasies.

As a mother I was/am very nurturing. I fear that when I love, I love too much. I didn’t know this was a problem until I focused on this dreadful disorder. Living with a N and not knowing it then, I had developed many irrational fears, which caused me to be somewhat overprotective of my first born. I wasn’t crazy or horrific, but I am very forgiving and with no support from my ex, my arguments with my son (after much frustration) were often forgiven so we could move on. I did punish, but punishing was a strain, chore, battle—Always. I never stopped from following through. My son’s punishments were the typical. I never hit them, etc. I believe that most of this with my son is biological. He is the carbon copy of his father’s gestures, down to biting his nails—a trait I hope he gets over. My son has a great personality and loves humor. He has low self esteem, but seems to be doing much better with it. He is very handsome and gets a lot of girls, but the ones who love him, he does not love and vice-versa. I have let this go, “Let go and let God,” and our relationship is so much better because of it. We no longer discuss their father–as that was a “trigger” with my son. He does not want to hear about him—although he knows him like a book. My son reacts when his father hurts me or his brother. He has suffered from depression. He has a great job and lives on his own. It bothers him when I am sad.

My other son has not been as affected by his father. He is the observer and knows just by observation. Both of them are great kids and I have not had to worry about them with drugs. I work on myself every day, even with respect to having very healthy relationships with my sons. None of this seemed a problem until I got the whole picture, now all of it makes so much sense.

#8

mariel…it sounds like you had to be both mother AND father…so there is some’balance"there
What i meant about dominant mothers was total’engulfment"and it sounds like you let your sons be"free to be"x

#9

The dominant mother theory is correct. And Mariel it sounds like you’re doing just fine.

I can’t put it into words but I’ll tell you what I’ve noticed from the three mothers of N’s that I know.

  1. They are self absorbed, they play precious little attention to their childs needs.
  2. Competitive, I’ve seen parents of N’s one-up their children. My Ex bought a new car and then his mother bought one the same color and nicer. Then she rubbed it in his face.
  3. They put one child against the other. They don’t promote unity amongst siblings.
  4. Condescending, critical, and downright mean.
  5. Take the position of disciplinarian. Won’t allow the father to discipline the child in any way.
  6. And emasculate the father figure in the family. She’s in control of everything from money to what the family eats. What she says goes, and don’t you question her ever!!
  7. Controlling. Even if the father is more vocal she will find other ways to control situations.

These are the behaviors I’ve noticed. I guess we could even say the mothers are somewhat Narcissistic themselves or manic depressive in some way.

#10

interesting doubledee…weird almost…but true…and im sure these dominating mothers were’emotionally unavailable"
Likewise women with dominant emotionally unavailable N
fathers seem to go for Ns?
Could it be that the men with dominating mothers really want to be dominated?and is this possibly why they go bonkers when we get too close?is that why they dominate us(or try to)?..again to"to put stuff right"?to"replay"thir relationships wuth mother?
god i dont know…but there are’patterns"all over the place here!

#11

It’s not inconceivable. I could easily be trying to work out my issues with my N father through my Ex. And he could be working out his issues with his mother through me. It’s like he despises women. I can assume it’s because he saw his father being emasculated, and nothing like that is ever going to happen with him! Even though he’s afraid of his mother and her opinion means everything to him.

The best thing we can take from this is knowing we are not narcissists. We can see a light at the end of the tunnel and make the changes to have healthy relationships. Our ex’s will never have that. My Ex is with a women he uses like a toilet, and she likes it. I will never be that kind of woman. There comes a point where you just got to let it go. No matter how hard it is.

#12

the best thing to work out issues with is the N parent…NOW.
(if this is possible of course)i did it in recent years…but i STILL went for an N partner regardless…i sort of knew what made him’tick"and was fairly comfortable with the last one,and had firm boundaries…a line that if he crossed,I was off(and meant it)im sure others feel the same?
To be honest…once i said during a tantrum…"thats it i dont have to put up with this crap"and it all STOPPED(till next time of course)
Nevertheless…i freaked him out because he couldnt get the measure of me,so i was’history"
Doubledee…im glad that you have your"line"that they cant cross…(and i wish that i had been like that with my psycho one)
the line has to be firmly drawn with violent behavoiur…i wish you well.

#13

I think Ns are often fully capable of recognizing your boundaries. There’s lines my ex crossed with other people that she never crossed with me because it would have meant my cancellation of the partnership.

I also think she had an awareness that I didn’t about what I said I stood for and what I’d actually put up with. She recognized boundaries that I set that I wouldn’t follow up on or would let slide.

There were things I told her I wouldn’t put up with, but I did, and she knew what those things were.

#14

here’s a question I’m curious to hear responses to:

  • how many of our N’s hated their opposite gendered parent? (men hating their mothers, or women hating their fathers)

  • how many of us hate our opposite gendered parent?

#15

this is a good one…my N men hated their mothers…i hated my N father…and my brother hated his N father…(hes the exception but hes starting to think he might be gay!?)

#16

It’s funny, I don’t see my ex-husband ever hating his N mother. He and the entire family were always doing-doing-doing for her and the father. She is very clever at her approach, but I always saw it. She was a lousy gift giver, but expected everything ($$$) from her children. She portrays herself as a pillar in the church, yet I have never seen any empathy for her fellow human beings. She believes she has a relationship with St. Francis and I believe her children half believe it. It’s a very large narcissistic family, where the youngest daughter too is classic; talks about me-me-me-me; God forbid, you get a word in edge wise and talk about your children, her nephews, because all you get is: “that’s good, now what was I saying about me-me-me?” My ex is not like that. He doesn’t look for attention in that way. He is more the controlling kind of guy. He could have cared less where I went or what I did, because truthfully, he was so confident and arrogant that he would think, where the hell is she going? I believe he didn’t want me around half the time, it was only when he did want me around, that he would be so destructive. Some times he would see himself in that sort of light, and he would come around—but never ever thinking he was wrong; in his mind, I was over-emotional and crazy.

#17

mariel…it sound s like your whole family were"co-d"around your mother…!
My father is like a mini verion af stalin and my brother should be on the stage!These types are all about either control or attention(or a bit of both it seems)…they are all a complete pain in the a…e that is for sure…the me,me,me thing is so true…time its about us for a change.!..not just their wants,needs and desires…to Ns all the worlds a stage…but the performances can become SO boringand tedious!Attention seeking control-freaks springs to mind…boring as hell!

#18

speaking of control freaks…ive just had a"spat"with my N father today…he did something that he KNEW would goad me into confronting him…and STUPIDLY i just gave him what he wanted!!..i am the BAD one!..and he is baking in his self riteous,poor wounded me mode…AAAGH!
I try to remember one thing…no-one should be controlled by ANYTHING/BODY outside them selves…whereas they(NS) try to control EVERYTHING outside themselves…but not themselves…!
figure that one out…i cant.

#19

My ex n is an only child to a doting mother.They were quite close,and she would call him occasionally to ask if he had eaten.She would also question wheather he was safe on the streets of certain neighborhoods and be worried about him.She was also very concerned about his dating and relationship patterns,telling him to move slowly and to be careful.Apparently each time a relationship ended and he suffered from dwindling or loss of Narcissistic supply,he would go into a dark state and mother would have to babysit him.

#20

simply…its hard to’live up to"being put on a pedastal.(by mother)…can never feel’good enough,and its a lonely place…up there and’out of reach"