yellow knows what she is talking about she has man that she loves so much that she lives in a RV with after all the CRAP SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH WITH HER ABUSIVE EX SHE FOUND LOVE THAT DOESN’T HURT its not easy but it doesn’t hurt and they will work the not easy parts out I have Faith in them lol that was an accident but a fitting one
thanks. I have been really listening to everyone’s input and yellow has really helped me. it is sad, yet comforting to know that i am not alone.
Just keep taking small steps. the steps will become easier and you continue to strive foward. setbacks will come. Don’t be discouraged. Just pick up where you left off when feel you are ready again. You will probably feel like YOU are the one making the mistake. Possibly like you are planning on abandoning him when he only needs help and a little understanding. Please know that if you give in, he will just pick up where HE left off with the abuse. You may feel like you don’t want the marriage to end and, it doesn’t have to. BUT… he is going to need therapy and lots of it before you two can reside together safely. Don’t worry. It is probably going to take you actually leaving before he admits he has a problem and seeks help for it. My heart walks with you my dear, Anna.
thanks lady. It’s strange. you described exactly how i feel/have felt in the past about leaving. He makes all these empty promises that come echoing back when I start thinking about abandoning him. You are right though that he won’t “heal” any other way. He needs a huge wake-up call so that he will be able to see his errors… so in theory I can look at it as helping him by leaving since that is the only way he will ever have hope for any healthy relationship- at least romantically. Would he seek counseling if it was for any reason other than “going through the motions” for my benefit as a last sitch effort to keep me.
hehe your disclaimer was funny. I think you are onto something there about not giving him the play-by-play aka the chance to convince me to change my mind. I have not really tried to just “do it” I have always tried to have him at least acknowledge where I’m coming from. I think I am at the point that I know now he won’t do that because he really doesn’t think I ever know what I’m talking about. I thought I needed his approval for everything I do and everywhere I go, but as a grown woman I am not required to do that so that should be my course of action. I am mostly thinking aloud here… but all in all I just want you to know how much I value your advice and first-hand accounts as they offer me a window into what I could expect to happen- a relief since he doesn’t give me much in the way of predictability.
jekyll and hyde. i once said to my abusive ex, funny the disgusting way you talk to me…you NEVER talk to your friends that way! and you know why? because they would NEVER put up with it, and in the end you would have NO friends! ha! he even said, that’s true what you say. but guess what? he continued to be nasty. they always use the romantic honeymoon thing when they want to manipulate you. am more worried about you today. HUGS x
Actually Anna, he may agree to counseling and it may be just to keep you from leaving. But, if he agrees and is willing to go then it may just help. My husband went to counseling but he was totally uncooperative with any suggestion and the therapist told me so. He told me that my marriage was probably going to end and he wanted to get me ready for the transition. I sat there and bawled like a squalling brat. If you two agree to try, don’t let him tell you that there is no money to pay for it or to wait til business picks up or, to wait til school is back in or, the new year. Those are just attempts to stall. It has to be done now Anna. The sooner you begin, the sooner you can begin your growing process. Don’t threaten to leave him as an attempt to get him to go for therapy. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say. Sure, you will feel sorry for him. Of course but if you have to, tell yourself that it is for HIS own good. Now, I want you to do it for YOU because I know you will be so proud of yourself and you will feel empowered but, if the only way to make yourself go through with it is to find some way to benefit him then, so be it. Tell yourself what you have to. Heck, you may actually be saving your marriage. Who knows? Never give up until you are satisfied. Keep trying. When you fall short, have a good cry, go to bed and begin again in the morning. It won’t happen overnight and I know you want it done with. You probably wish someone else can do the work and you just reap the results. Anna, you will feel good about youself as you see things shaping up according to what YOU want. Not him. Anna, I was the biggest whimp. Maybe I still am but, not with him. I have no problem standing up to him. Of, course it has been 13 years but you see my point. 13 years began with 1 day and, today is your day. We are here Anna.
oh thank you thank you. I think that part of me does feel like I need to make sure it is for “his own good” because I am so used to putting his needs above my own that just my needing to be away from here for my own well-being doesn’t seem sufficient enough a reason to leave.
You may be right that if I leave that may the only way to salvage our marriage. He, of course, doesn’t want me to believe that. He wouldn’t have control over me if I was far away.
Anyway, I think baby steps work for me. I just have to make at least one small step each day in taking care of me.
I have started reading daily devotions in the bible which seem to help me be strong and know that no matter how alone I am, I am never really alone because I am taken care of.
Yes. You are taken care of and you are an adult woman with a job. That’s all you need. It feels weird not putting his needs above your own. Fortuately, I had children to help me remain co-dependant. I focused on their needs and it was a while still before I started taking care of me. The next piece of advice I would like to offer is that you not tell him your minute by minute plans to leave and why and how he will benefit in the long run and such. Make your plan, tell him your plan, carry it out. That’s it. If you discuss it, he will only try to talk you out of it making you feel horrible about helping yourself. Plus, discussion is probably your way of saying “okay, I’m leaving. You’d better think of a way to stop me.” You are putting the ball back in his court. Keep the ball in your court. This is your game. (so-to-speak) Now I am only speaking from my own personal experience but if anyone doesn’t agree and has a better suggestion, please say so. This is just my opinion. (That was my disclaimer). Lol
Yep. Unpredictable is what you should expect. Possible as he sees you are going forward with your plans he tells you he is talking to an old buddy who is a minister or counselor or something and he (your husband) is beginning to see the error of his ways. He is going to change. TODAY. He is going to church he is going to do this and that and he wants to celebrate by taking you to dinner and he buys you flowers and possibly a new ring to represent the new him. He wants to be romantic and everything is going great. He will casually mention that you need to close the seperate bank account or cancel your appointment with the realtor or the person schelduled to show you some nice apartments or, something along that line. When you refuse, the new him will be history and the old him will be barking in your face. Don’t be misled. Yes he absolutely WILL be predictably unpredictable. He will be desperate as he feels his control slipping away. Find support where you are. A friend, relative, etc. For personal reasons, I don’t reccommend the shelter but, I do live near Detroit. I don’t know how the shelters are where you are. You have to remain safe. That is the bottom line.
He’s done that and more. He has tried to coerce me into cancelling my counseling appointments saying, “see, we can talk to eachother, you don’t need a counselor, or your sister, or anyone. We can do this all ourselves.” meaning he wants me to rely on only him. he says that my going to a counselor stirs up trouble between us. he became unbelievably romantic one night about two weeks ago and bought me diamond earrings and re-proposed to me and everything, to prove to me that this was the “new him” He goes to church with me, but makes comments under his breath about how it is gay or stupid or “when will it be over”. This totally hurts me because it doesn’t allow me to enjoy church… anyway, I just need be vigilant and watch out for these things. It is so eery how similar the things are that he does to the things you’ve experienced. It gives me goosebumps a little bit.
Yeah. Like it’s the same guy. It’s funny. What’s more is that I am remembering and some things irritate me but, most things make me laugh. I can’t wait til you get to the point when none of this hurts you anymore. I wondered why my tears didn’t move him. Why they didn’t motivate him to do the right thing when he knew I really didn’t want to leave him. I was depressed and suicidal. I was in a mental health hospital. I wanted to go home because I was sure that when I got home he would see just how badly he was affecting me if I had to be put in a mental hospital. I couldn’t wait to get home. When I got home, he just criticized me on how “weak” I was and he said his family said the same thing. I just cried. Do you have any idea when you may be able to go home?
Well, we are planning a trip together to go back that general direction for my cousins wedding all of my family will be there (the loving ones and the not-so-loving ones) so I could possibly just stay and go back home with them after that, but he has planned the vacation out so that we sandwiched a weekend with my family in the middle of a month with his family. I think I can at least maybe have time to talk to them a little about helping me plan it out. Maybe if my aunt came out to help me pack he couldn’t be so opposed to it.
I don’t know how violent he can be and I guess you don’t either but, you don’t want to get you aunt hurt if she comes out to help you pack. This is kind of touchy. You may want to just get what you need and whatever else you can grab if things get ugly. You can always get the rest later. The most important thing here is to keep you safe and to make sure no one else gets hurt in the process.
that is true. Like you said always expect him to be unpredictable. It is part of what makes it to hard to plan anything out, the constant uneven footing. He wants it that way because it is easier to knock me down when I am always off balance so to speak. I keep upsetting the abuse cycle- or I try to at least to keep him on his toes and me in control- at least a little. For example, I try to keep him always in the honeymoon phase by not accepting it because then he can’t ever slip back and it allows me a little less chaos so that I can plan pack and prepare.
Yellow- you know I said that to my husband too- about the way he talks to me, but he claims that he does talk to his friends that way and he said that they aren’t as sensitive as I am that they take it as joking. I used to take it that way, but when he is so ugly so often, especially when I am hurting already- it just is not a joke and it isn’t funny. Like when I had my miscarriage and he wouldn’t look up from his video game to talk about it or comfort me and just said, don’t worry about it, we’ll make another one, and things like that. No empathy, no hugs, no nothing.
Wow, i got off subject, but basically, you’re right- people can’t talk to their friends that way and I wouldn’t let my friends treat me this way so why do i put up with it from this guy
loads of good advice and sincere support here… : ) we’re thinking of you anna! are you able to talk to your aunt now?(you mention she is the one who you could ask for help). i’m thinking if you have a support system there - where you are - it would help you considerably. HUGS!
Well said, Jade. Beautiful. Abuse is like a nightmare. When you awaken from that nightmare, you still remember it. Of course but, after a while, there is no more fear. No more pain. Just a bad memory. Keep striving forward Anna. It gets better and in time you will be so proud of your accomplishments. Relocating and finding a job? Scarey stuff. Just keep taking one step at a time. And though it may be easier said than done. I have been there. You will never regret your decision to help yourself.
"Never allow Someone to be your priority ~ While allowing yourself to be their Option" ~ What a sad experience some of us have traveled, let me remind you Anna , WE DESERVE TO BE FULLY ALIVE PSYCHOLOGICALLY. Explore your own interior,share what you find in there. And...Remember healing is an inside job, your valuable just as you are. I am enriched and I am GROWING, just as you are sweetie!!!Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of a genius ~ and alot of Courage-to move in the opposite direction. WE ALL LOSE WHEN IT COMES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. ... And for some of those who are reading this thread ..."Don't" think for a minute this is a feminist issue , it is a human right issue!!KEEPING A FAMILY TOGETHER IS NOT THE ANSWER TO A HEALTHY SOCIETY. SAFETY OF INDIVIDUALS IN SOCIETY IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT. I see women with black eyes, broken noses, broken hearts and broken lives. I see their fear, I see their shame, I feel their fear. Three women are killed each week by a current or former partner (Homicide Statistics in 2007 ) ~ One woman killed every 3 days in Domestic Violence, in the US. domestic violence has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime. Every minute police in the US receive a domestic assistance call ~ yet only 35% of domestic violence incidents are reported. On average a woman is assaulted 38 times before her first call to the police.
Head for a better life..leave it all behind and begin the new journey awaitting your arrival. Be safe be happy !!!xxx Love ~ Jade
Thank you Jade, you are very sweet and you are right. I know that I deserve better and I want better. I realized a while ago that this relationship is truly toxic and in order to escape it I have to get to a place inside of me where I feel that I can actually stick to my decision to leave and get better. Ive been searching my soul (whats left there) to find the answers and I think the only answer to get truly better is going to be to leave. I deserve to be healthy enough to give all this love I have overflowing to everyone around me. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I feel like I am meant to be in a “giving” field of work so that I can positively impact people and my current state of mind and spirit are stifling that.
You guys are wonderful here and I feel like each time sign on here I steal a little bit of me back from him