Gypsy,
thats a profound statement to make, because if its true they see everyone as an opportunity to gain power over, or at least keep the “foe” from gaining power over THEM, then it makes perfect, and sad sense that they would keep themselves from being vulnerable by ever showing…or more scary, FEELING more than just a sliver.
And sometimes, in those moments in the middle of the night when everything seems a little off kilter and scary, I can say I’ve felt that too…genuine vulnerability, REAL risk taking, allowing someone to have the ability to hurt you, and the hope that they wont, and then having to endure and survive when they do…is often something I’ve wished I could have deadened and therefore protected myself from.
To this day, especially when faced with a loving, good man who really does have his entire act together, looking to me with hope that I might allow myself that kind of trust and vulnerability with him, when it was so abused by my expartner – is a little too much to ask of me, and I do often wonder if I might just not make life easy by deciding to never letting anyone else into my heart like that again.
It was great when it was great, but I really dont think it was worth the abuse and misery my life was sunk into for most of the years we were together. I cant see myself, at least at this point, thinking it might be a good idea to risk one more time.
wow. I’m feeling a lot of anger toward my ex again.
I have no doubt he’s invested his sweep-her-off-her-feet attention and energy into at least one other woman since we broke up a year ago, and done so with no hesitation or felt risk. And I’m still here, with someone who is exercising incredible patience and generousity hoping I’ll allow myself to take the plunge one more time, and I cant get excited about it.
Is it possible we get “ruined” by N’s, like a cancer that destroys a certain organ, muscle or bone, never to regenerate again?
fuckers!
