SAM'S DAILY LINK Sex and Personality Disorders

Narcissistic personality disorder
#63

I witness on a twice-weekly basis the meltdown of a boy with quite bad Asperger’s syndrome, who hasnt yet in his education been given the specialized programme needed to help him cope with his overwhelming anxiety. Its a painful thing to watch. And after an in-service workshop with a specialist, a pervasive feeling of hopelessness that we can do much good for him where he is.

The only advice in the end she could give us when he is experiencing his “meltdowns” is to stay away and let him work out the energy he needs to until he finds his calmness again.

If GD is honest about being an Aspie then perhaps we could help her by doing the same thing?

I know its a terrible thing to witness in person, not so much online…but I imagine if she’s experiencing the same thing in her inner space as I’ve seen in a public space with this bioy, I’d prefer to be part of, well, not a solution, but perhaps, not contribute further to her problem.

#64

Trisha,

That is absolute nonsense,

You deliberately provoked a conflict by twisting people’s words, as usual, you deliberately crossed my boundaries by using my given name without leave in a second attempt to provoke me.

…and you think you are going to somehow convince me that is my fault? Or in some way related to me having AS (Except in the sense that you see me having AS as a vulnerability you can maybe find a way to play on. It is not.)?

As I have told you before, the thought of you playing the kind of spiteful head games I see you play here with disadvantaged young people all week utterly appals me.

GD

#65

besides…the closer we get to the holidays, the more stressed out and anxious everyone will become…not just here but all around us.

I’d rather contribute to my OWN calm and peace and goodwill…and to all of yours as we head into, what will for most of us (and me too), be a week of sad and painful memories, perhaps loneliness, and regret.

gentleness and support is what I’d like to focus on…how about the rest of you?

#66

PEACE BE WITH ALL OF YOU, NOT JUST DURING THIS SEASON, BUT ALWAYS.

#67

gentleness and support is what I’d like to focus on…

If that was even slightly true Trisha you would not have spent hours, over two days, stirring this thread up into a personal attack on myself and Susiejo.

You can’t have it both ways.

GD

#68

when youre ready

youre invited to join us Blitzen/GD/Susiejo/etc.

…really…

#69

(chuckling)

well Gaye, I know I’m not showing my stockings…are you?

#70

well Gaye, I know I’m not showing my stockings…are you?

Well, not till the guy I just promised that if he bought 'em he could clip 'em on, in public, has done his duty I’m not…

GD

…and ALL THAT JAZZ

#71

"Education is the key to protecting everyone from abusive relationships, and from trying to live with a disordered mind, some people can not be fixed or cured, that is hard for most humans to grasp."~Mamolie

Hi Mamolie! Great post, so thanks for writing. Every person who has the courage to write about her personal life, helps at least one other person get REAL with themselves. That's my pollyanna vision of self-disclosure on public forums. We will be challenged by other people occasionally which is par for the course. Sometimes those challenges increase the clarity of our thinking and we become even more descriptive of our experience than we might have been otherwise. Were it not for the good people who opened their lives to me, I'd not be able to Pay it Foward and write about my life with the X-husbaNd.

I Love Message Boards. Despite the inherent problems.

Your ability to write about your life in a way that other people can identify with your story, helps them garner strength in their own story/experience. The more we talk to one another, the less power The Secret of Narcissism has on everyone's lives. Even our own.

I so agree with your comment: Education is the key. People are smart enough to figure out whether or not they are dealing with someone who is pathologically narcissistic or simply a wise-azz. None of us is willing to give up on our relationship if we aren't driven to the point of exhaustion and hopelessness. Most of us hang on beyond the point it's healthy to hang on. When we read about NPD, it's like a light show in our brains when we start making essential connections. We just 'know' what we're learning is TRUE and it is Empowering, even in our surrendered defeat.

Sam Vaknin is not the only person writing about NPD. Most of the people I talk with have read far beyond Vaknin's Intro to NPD101. What Sam offers is personal insight into his disorder which is very helpful for cutting through our Pollyanna-esque perceptions, thank GOD. From there, we can study NPD by researching psychological theorists who may or may not be so honest as to admit they are bonafide Narcissists themselves. ROFL

So all that just to say, "Thanks for writing". I love reading what you have to say.

(((hugs)))

CZBZ

 

#72

Trisha, It is pretty obvious why your husband got up, took your child and walked out on you. And it is pretty obvious the problems did not have a damn thing to do with his NPD whether he had that or not. Your game playing in dealing with others is about as destructive as can be.

Mariel, All you are saying is that you were married to Sam Varkin. Blixten says it. Anybody can get on the internet, write a book, claim to be whatever. Psychopaths are great at the game. So go follow one if you so chose. But why attack someone who is only trying to bring a bit of honesty and rationality to the plate. Your observations of Blitxen’s and SusieJo’s posting patterns are very flawed. Leaves one to question your other observations.

All you guys actually love conflict. Trisha started it, and here comes Mamolie and Czbz jumping in to throw more fuel to the fire. Oh yes, maturity is what was needed.

No Mamolie, your logic is grossly failing. Spouses are the least qualified to diagnose medical problems of a family member, even when they have credentials from God, because they have no objectivity. Doctors do not treat their own family, nor do they diagnose people off of the internet. Now that has nothing to do with whether you lived through hell or heaven, whether your perceptions of your experiences are correct. Totally agree it is next to impossible to think clearly when involved with someone whose brain does function correctly. By your own admission, you are near insane from your husband. Would you want him to take you to someone like Varkin in similar state of mind? That is the point I am making now about being qualified. That again, has been one of Blitxen’s points about Sam exploiting people in their despair.

If you are not as sick as your husband, than be the one to get respectable qualified help and a professional diagnosis rather than sitting on the internet blindfully following a man who has a criminal record, no education on such issues, and who is a self proclaimed psychopath , who claims to have the same problem you think your husband has. (take the hint) Are you so sure your husband is sicker than you?

No one disputes your experience. The challenges have been in your cultish following of Sam Varkin in dealing with those experiences and making a medical diagnosis. If your husband is that psychopathic and is such a nightmare to deal with, why would you seek the equivalent of him to solve your problem? Don’t act stupid and then get mad if someone tries to point it out to you.

What even is more absurd in the protection of Sam is that he has no answers to problems, no solution as you so very clearly realize. Why would you glorify him on the other hand for having answers? Makes no sense.
If you cannot save yourself, what in the world are you doing trying to save others? Avoiding dealing with your own issues maybe?

How absurd to suggest sending all this information to professionals. You would only convince them that you are in need of help. Do you honest to God think they are oblivious to issues of dysfunctional families? Come on.

CzBz: Your reasons for being here are only yours to know. Blitzen silence anyone? Let her speak and come a rushing the mouths like your own with nothing meaningful or constructive to add!!

You as many others here seem to prefer “pretense”.

Sam: Calling someone else a pathological NPD? Pot calling the kettle black? Ridiculous.

#73

"Spouses are the least qualified to diagnose medical problems of a family member, even when they have credentials from God, because they have no objectivity. "

Great comment actually. How does a therapist take the family's perceptions into account? Most likely with a grain of salt. It has taken a few years for me to be able to cut through my own defenses well-enough to understand the dynamics.

The approach our counselor took was to ask about each of our 'experiences'. What he did, what I did, what decisions we made, what we were doing with our lives. During counseling for my daughter, it was the same thing. What Happened? Who did what? And why did you do what to whom?

I figure that's how it generally works on message boards, too. We tell our story in as much detail as we can bear, and it's fairly easy to spot the abuser. From there, people educate themselves and seek professional therapy if needed.

In order to do that though, we must be able to Listen.

Hugs,

CZBZ

#74

"How does a therapist take the family’s perceptions into account? "

The approach our counselor took was to ask about each of our ‘experiences’. What he did, what I did, what decisions we made, what we were doing with our lives. During counseling for my daughter, it was the same thing. What Happened? Who did what? And why did you do what to whom?

I figure that’s how it generally works on message boards, too. We tell our story in as much detail as we can bear, and it’s fairly easy to spot the abuser. From there, people educate themselves and seek professional therapy if needed."

Well CZBZ, there is a saying, “a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.”

Your counselor’s approach was one experience that hardly constitutes EDUCATION. It is grossly inappropriate for you to take that experience and delude yourself into believing you have any business trying to do the same on the internet.

Now assuming yours was a counselor as opposed to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, you did not even experience someone qualified to make such diagnosis. Yes there are observations and inputs to be had, but there is more including testing. There is as well now pressure on them all to first have medical examinations ruling out other health issues as causing the behavorial problems.

Sharing your experiences is fine but that is not what goes on here, nor is it what you are about. Rather it is playing your own freaking game.

#75

Dear Susiejo, 

Please know that I am well aware of the shortcomings of a message board. I'm also aware that maintaining the status quo traps people in abusive relationships if we are afraid to do something, however limited that 'something' may be.

We make a choice and we take our lumps, hopefully learning more as we go along. If we wait until we have all the answers, we'll never do anything. You know why? Because nobody has all the answers. We do what we can and we trust other people to be smart enough to figure out their own lives.

I'm also a big proponent of 12-step programs which is likely why telling my story and listening to other people is a natural fit.

Hugs,

CZ

#76

By the way folks, my ex-altar boy, jock exhusband who just called to let me know he could rework his schedule so I could see my gf’s for an early Christmas dinner, would find it as humorous as I do that anyone would suspect he has NPD.

I asked you privately to reach down and pull up your sense of humour Gaye (since you now insist on using given names, OK, I’ll join the party) and I’m relieved you have.

Things always seem less serious when we can make each other laugh.

…especially when I’m under the weather.

bravo

Mamolie, I join CZ in appreciating your honest and heartfelt posts. I’m glad you brought your voice back to the forum, and I sincerely hope you can create enough warmth and sweetness over the holidays to carry you through. Will you have other family around you?

I’m just thinking over and over how much we’re moving forward into what can be the saddest time of the year and feeling soft and gentle towards everyone imagining how we’re all going to figure out ways to not only cope, but to make the very best of these holidays that we can. I hope they’ll come and go and we’ll all be relieved at how OK they turned out to be.

hugs to everyone.

#77

Hugs,

All I hear you saying Czbz is that you are saving people on the assumption that by virtue of their posting on such boards, they are in the same relationship and experience you were with the same problems.

I have yet to see you share an experience, but rather all I have seen are your efforts at directing them to solving their problems as you think they should - your statements as to being a proponent of 12-step programs is a very good example.

Your actions actually reflect that you do not believe others capable of solving their own problems but rather in need of YOU to so direct them to your way of solving those problems.

#78

CZ,

I can get behind 12-step programmes too. I remember I thinking, while I was attending one myself 15 years ago, that everyone could probably get something good from them, its too bad theyre only for people with addictions…but then we’re all addicted to something or another.

One of my best gf’s just celebrated 15 yrs of sobreity.

Its a blessing.

#79

I had to enlarge your image Susiejo...cuz you sure sound like my X-husbaNd and I wanted to make sure he wasn't writing messages to me. That maN would die before he'd walk into a 12-step group, though. No Gurus, ya know? Everybody's a peer...we gotta focus on ourselves and deal with our own shite.

Dear PD,

I think the reason 12-step programs can work for people who are partnered with narcissists (even if the N does not have a substance addiction), is because the N is an addict. An addict of Narcissistic Supply. The same dynamics apply.

I agree that every one would benefit from a few weeks in a 12-step meeting. It's so REAL...truly a spiritually grounding experience.

Carolyn

aka CZ...since we're into using our real names. ha!

 

#80

Well CZBZ, I am about at the point that being called a narcissist is a compliment considering the source. It is very clear that everyone that anyone certain of you have conflict or confrontation with, is an N’s. It again reflects your absurdity.

I would agree about the 12 step program and would recommend it also for the primary reason that they require the focus being on one’s own self and problems, not everyone elses.

#81

Trisha,

Try as I might, I cannot see anything remotely humorous in you deliberately goading, baiting and crossing boundaries in the hope of provoking conflict here.

Susiejo,

I agree with everything you have said…except I think Trisha’s husband, who left her and took their son, is supposed to be perfectly ok, it’s the next one who was some kind of criminal for the 7 years she was with him, who became a “Psychopathic Narcissist” after he worked abroad for months then came back and told her it was over…

GD

#82

I am not a great fan of 12 steps myself (What Aspie would be? Group dynamics affect us differently) and I have a problem with the “cultish” aspect that seems to affect some groups (though I think that depends on the individual group to a large extent, some are good, some are downright weird) …I do know that the focus is supposed to be rigidly on fixing YOURSELF, not others, and that the group, like a Quaker Meeting, is supposed to be owned and run by all who attend equally, not by one individual assuming control and dictating. As Carolyn (I could have SWORN your real name was Noeleen?) does.

GD