So afraid

Bipolar
#65

Hi Anne (&BIP),

Well, I went in for the food stamp appt. today & didn’t have my divorce decree with me or proof that I actually pay rent to my room-mate. I was told I would need to bring both of those back & the room-mate doesn’t want to supply a fictitious rent receipt because it may be assessed to him as income at a later date. I agree. It’s not worth the $32 in food stamps, so I won’t be getting any now unless I move out. Then I will have to re-apply. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I was notified today of 2 more traffic fines in another state (Florida) that I don’t recall or have the actual tickets for. One was for expired registration tags on my car. I have always gotten those before they expire on my birthday in January, so I can fax the court a receipt for that & they are redicing both tickets from $326 to $164. Not something I’m happy about, but I will put that amount on the one credit card I have left with available credit. I hope you can see how bad my mania hit last spring! I truly had no idea that I had accumulated all these tickets in about 3 months time. I almost wonder if now I will have so may points against my license that they will not allow me to drive anyway! I have to just keep plugging along with my bills & as afraid as I am to start working again (silly me…I worry about a nervous breakdown because, well…Gee…I had a terrible episode that lasted 4 months & landed my butt in jail!) No problem taking meds for me! I still yearn for a switch (and BIP…this parts for you, I was on neurontin before & I may go back on that…just don’t know yet since it’s all what the doctor will have for me after January.)

My main concern is the anti-depressant which is like a sleeping pill for me. I think my body has adjusted to it, because when I was switched from Remeron to Trazadone I had problems. I went back on the Remeron & now I’m having problems again. I do sleep, but it really is sporadic. I suppose work makes everyone a little manic, & that’s supposed to be in a good way so you aren’t just a zombie. I worked up until Feb '06 & that 2nd shift had me up until 4 am sometimes just to unwind. It was easier when the ex was in Iraq & I could sleep later. He came home & everything changed. By the same token, no matter which shift I get now (preferrably a 2nd shift because I really can’t get going in the morning AT ALL!) I am still living with another individual until I can afford a place of my own & his schedule absolutely affaects mine.

I don’t ever stay in my PJ’s all day. If nothing else, it might be 3pm before I get dressed & cleaned up, but I won’t even cross the road to get the mail if I’m not dressed. Anne, I definitely understand how you are living day by day right now. I am the same way. I think I might even feel happier about getting up & getting dressed in my own place. I have to keep telling myself that this is only a temporary situation & that next month I have to put my name on a housing wait-list & get a job. I need that job first, of course, because as I’ve said, I have no extra money until May & even then it will only be about $390/mon (that’s not enough to pay rent/food/utilities.) I am so overwhelmed with my credit card bills that I haven’t used them at all. I do nothing but pay for previous debts now (well…then there was that extra traffic ticket!) If I do not get a job & live in this same house, under the same set of circumstances, all of my credit card debt would be paid off in January 2009. So basically one year! I can’t even think about that though, because I can not take the thought of living here for another year.

No offense BIP, this isn’t a situation like yours where I’m dealing with an alcoholic or addict husband. This is a man I met at the hospital who befriended me & let me stay with him after my (ex) tossed me to the curb. He will say that he quit drinking for 3 months after our hospitalization. I can attest that he was already back to drinking with meds within a week & a half. He also weaned off the meds & no one can talk him into taking them again. Actually, at this point it’s best if he doesn’t because combined with his drinking it makes for a lethal combination! I am concerned with my own well-being right now & that alone. I am grateful I’m not out in the cold, but I will be grateful for employment again that will help me move out & not have to be in the current environment. (I used to worry about this man & care a great deal for his well-being. That is no longer the case. I think I will only begin to “like him” again after I move out. Perhaps that sounds cold, but at some point every human being has to take care of themselves.)

I will be better prepared to do that on my own. I’ve had a counselor tell my room-mate, “she may never be able to live on her own again!” (At least that’s what he’s said.) I had to put up with that drunken, “you’re my baby, you’re my friend” huggy/huggy stuff before he even went to sleep this afternoon. I have all I can do to maintain my sanity here. I absolutely have got to get a job because it is the one way I will be able to break out of this very awkward living arrangement. I often times think he really expects me to stay here & I worry about making plans to leave. I will have to have some money saved before I can do that because once I’m gone I don’t ever want to feel that coming back to his house is my only alternative. (Hell…I did date a man for a few weeks last Jan/Feb & I’m telling you, he gets possessive of me & so now I’ve decided I don’t even really want to talk on the phone with a new man I met on-line!) I just don’t need him to become beligerent with me. And yes, I’ve always made it clear that I am under no circumstances wanting a realationship with him. Nonetheless, he’s seeing things through an alcoholic haze.

I will feel more secure, less sheltered & more independent on my own. That day will come & I dread the wait…but we all know…it will one day arrive.

And I just read another one of your letters, BIP! (I missed one along the way!) As for not looking at my budget? Well, I do put it down…but I had to pick it up today to adjust for the extra traffic fines! I actually like looking at it because it tells me what I needed to know (such as worst case scenario…not being able to move until May & another full year to pay off all of the credit card debt.) I find if I have the worst case outlined…well, it at least lets me see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I may be 52 before my debts are paid off & by then I’ll probably need another car, but I won’t have collectors hounding me, my credit won’t be destroyed, & hopefully I can move back to Colorado without so much manic residue!!

Anne, I hope your meds kick in for you, too. I guess for us to attempt acting normal (like getting dressed for the day) is pretty par for the course after we’ve sustained such devestation. I think you’re alot like me. My room-mate is in his pj’s or work clothes & on the off day when we do errands, he does get up early (6am today) but I think he’s a little agoraphobic & doesn’t like to go anywhere unless I’m with him. He is sometimes paranoid from his drinking. This house is very dark so he can sleep during the day & when the light on the computer desk broke & there was no bulb, I put a little table lamp of mine in here. I went from a 25 watt bulb to 100 & now I can actually see! I need alot of light where I live & after I move out I’ve thought about getting one of those SADS light boxes. I’ve had one before & it helped with my sleep/wake cycle. Just another thing I’ve lost along the way. Something to replace just for me…just because I want to do everything I can to feel better.

I think that everything you do to feel normal will have the effect of making you feel normal again! And I sure hope you can take Peanut with you! I have to think long & hard about taking a kitten with me because even minimally…it will take money from my own grocery budget. I can’t think about it now because until I have a job I don’t even have a budget for moving out. It’s best just to love the 2 kitties while I live here (& pray that the room-mate doesn’t abuse or kill my favorite because he hates her scratching.) I would think that you’d be a very good care taker for Peanut on your own! I believe a dog is a wonderful companion & it used to force me to walk mine a few times a day. Good for both of us!

I didn’t know that your room-mate has a care-giver. So I suppose she is on disability, too? In that case I feel probably much as you do. We are able to live somewhere, but it isn’t the best of all possible situations…& perhaps we will achieve even better mental health when we are out on our own. I would like to think so! (I can live on micro-wave meals & maybe only have to cook once in awhile.) I bet you could do the same. Don’t feel so bad that you don’t do all of the cooking now. I did some cooking a year ago & found that he wouldn’t eat it anyway. So now I just let him cook occasionally (except for a huge fatty breakfast which I’m almost never in the mood for & he prepares like clockwork every morning.) At night I have a micro-wave meal or a salad or some soup (all 3 if I’m really unable to curb my appetitie!) Ah! I just realized it’s early evening & I should start the dishwasher & call my girlfriend in Colorado.

Before I close, I just want to leave you with this thought. My room-mate handed me the mail today & I opened the letter from a law office about my traffic tickets. He said, “don’t go getting all manic!” He later said, “And you want to go off your lithium?” Both of those were rather mean statements. First of all, getting upset is not being MANIC! As for the lithium statement, considering the source: someone who went off his meds a year ago, that was uncalled for. And finally, I have always maintained that my last episode was so bad I wouldn’t go off my lithium…although I might request a different mood stabilizer so I could lose weight & not have to use the bathroom so much. I think your room-mate’s statement about sleeping for 24 hours being an indication that you shouldn’t take Peanut because you can’t care for him is very much another mean statement. We both live where we live because we have to at the moment. We are bound to have our ups & downs (primarily downs for both of us right now) and it is difficult to want to get dressed & feel or act normal when we are still recovering from a terrible episode. I suspect you will try to cope with comments from your room-mate as I will mine, Anne. Then there will come a day when you will not have to “act” normal. You will actually feel that way. I bet that doesn’t happen until we are able to become independent, but pray like nobody’s business & try some faith. 2008 may be half over before we see the light of independence, but oh what a glorious moment that will be?!

The emails on this site mean so much to me! I really think they are the only thing I look forward to & count on! Thank you for sharing your lives with me! You are my friends & you both are very dear to me!

Love,
Lori

#66

Just a note Weber.

I personally don’t believe your sleep patterns will ever be what people call “normal.” I know mine certainly isn’t like my husbands or any one else’s that I know that isn’t bipolar. I think that is something we have to learn to work around, and just live with, if we have to work; thus my swing or grave yards. I can’t do grave yard any more, because of complicated health problems other then the bipolar, but the swing seems to be fitting in okay; even though on my days off, I’m tired, and want to sleep all the time. Isn’t it crazy, when I really need to sleep, I don’t; and when I could maybe sleep on a better schedule I don’t. But I’ve been told that when we work, no matter how little, we end up having manics, small ones, from the stimulation of working.; thus the sporadic sleep patterns.

Any way, just a though.
love,
bip

#67

Hi Ann,

I also know about that not wanting to live in a “lesser house, apt.” then what we had before. But in AA it is called “getting humble.” so we can do what we have to do; of course in AA it is to stay sober. But it works for those that aren’t drinking as well, bkz sometimes we have to do “what we have to do” just to survive and maintain our sanity. Our sanity is just as important to those of that is bipolar, as staying sober is to a recovering alcoholic, and since I am both, I know this for a fact. If you are an alcoholic and bipolar, if you don’t maintain your mental health, you end up drinking again. So they work together.

Any way, Ann, glad to hear the doc upped your Effexor. It does take a few days for it to take affect. But if it is the right med for you, you will be pleased.

I am going to try to get some sleep, but will write to you more later.

love,
bip

#68

Hi Ann,

You said something about tired of having to fight to “appear” normal. I know this too, I too get tired of having to put a mask on when I don’t feel like I want to be around people.

but I have also come to learn that this is also a part of the bipolar, of being tired of having to put a face on for others. I think this may come under the word “acceptance.” However, with your house situation, thankfully, you don’t have to accept that, you can make your next place just as nice as the last. Maybe, not a house, but an apartment can be just as much of a home as a house. I know, I lost our home too. It was a beautiful home, one I would of bought if we had of had funds to do so.

But…sometimes acceptance can cover many aspects of our decisions, and allows us the freedom to move on and to grow with in ourselves. Does this make any sense? I’m tired today, and sleepy. So I am going to go catch a nap, and hopefully later will be able to sleep tonight too. (likely story?)
You know the sleeping all day can actually become an escape habit for us I did that too; when my situation at home wasn’t very good. It was easier to sleep the day away then get up to face the music. Then, instead of just getting away, it became a habit for me, and I had a horrible time breaking away from it; in fact, if I’m not careful, I will still do the same thing. The sleeping all day feels so good at first that it is such a relief to be able to get GOOD sleep, that it soon takes over; then instead of more sleeping pills just to get a good sleep, it becomes more and more pills, until we are addicted to them!

We bipolars have a tendency to be addicts on any thing that can alter our minds so we either can sleep, or not be depressed, or not be manic. Ann, please take those sleeping pills the way the doc told you to!!! Esp. considering how depressed you are!!! That scares me almost, with him even giving you sleeping pills, knowing your state of mind, and how easy it is for us to slip into suicide thinking. So please be careful! Also the more of them you take, the less your anti-depressants can work for you. You will have two meds fighting against each other, so please be careful!

the more sleeping pills you take,the more antidepressants you will have to take; pretty soon, your tolerance level will be so high to both, that you will have to take more and more. So please be careful! Our meds are not meds to be messing around with and trying to take different then what the pdoc, or just doc tells us to take. I learned this from AA and NA. So please be careful! Your life is important! just because it is a life!

love,
bip

#69

Hi Lori and Bip,

Sorry to hear you have more fines Lori. The ramifications of what we do when psychotic are terrible, having to live with the consequences is the hardest part of this disorder. Both you and I are living with the consequences and so understand each other.
Bip, my Doctor only gave me 7 sleeping tablets at 3.75mg so he knew I could not overdose…I took 4 the first night and slept the 24 hours and I took 3 the next night and woke up in the morning at the usual time. I wish he had given me more but they will not. I have thought about buying them on-line but know I will take more than needed at the moment because I just want to sleep the days away. I know this is avoidance but I get so anxious and feel so terrible…sleep is a release. I also hope the Efexor increase helps.
Lori, I also think your room-mate is being mean about you being upset and wanting to change your lithium, it is not a good place for you to be and I understand that fully.
I went to Ben and Emma’s yesterday a/noon because Emma suffers blackouts (the Doctors are trying to find out why) and she was feeling very ill and alone so Ben text me from his work and asked if I would go and sit with her until he got home. I felt crap myself but got ready and went and took peanut with me and spent the a/noon with Emma she was fine, no blackouts, and it got me out for a few hours.
It is freezing here and I have to go do some christmas shopping tomorrow I have to get myself psyched up to do that. I need to shower and wash my hair, I keep putting it off and feel so annoyed with myself. I use to shower every morning and get a bath every evening when my life was normal!
I don’t know what christmas will be like this year…in 2003 I was in a psychiatric unit…in 2004 I was locked in a flat by a very dodgy man…2005 I was in a shelter and 2006 I was in the supported housing bedsit, although I spent christmas at my mums with Ben. My mum is not here this year and this will be my first christmas without her and that is tough.
I hope also that 2008 will be a better year for us Lori, surely we both deserve ‘a break’. The anxiety I have tires me out and I always feel ‘out of sorts’.
I know what you mean Bip about being ‘humble’ and accepting what is and I know I have to accept the past is gone, but I struggle so hard.
I truly hope that I can make another home in which I feel safe and secure and I hope I can make it as nice as my last home.
I’m sorry to hear you will not be getting your food stamps Lori…you have a very different system there to ours. Like I have said before I get disability and it is the same has a wage. Yes,Lori my room-mate is also on disability (arthritis, mental health problems and diabetes) her carer helps her with meds, appointments etc.
I will close for now ahead lies another long day and I am going to try really hard not to think about my past…I wish I could block those memories out they make me so sad.
I also love reading the posts on here from you both and I send my love to you both and thanks.

Take care

love

Anne x

#70

Hi Anne,

Just a short note to say hi, an I’m not so worried about your sleeping pills now. thank you for that info. I too fight with wanting to sleep my days away. I used to be worse 2 years ago; but am getting better.

But right now I am beginning to have a problem with wellbutrin making me stay away, and I believe too manic. So I cut my welbutrin in half, down to 150 mg. instead of the 300; I sleep better, but I also have a problem with anger and being irritable. So I don’t know which is worse. But with no insurance I have to rely on the clinic, and they have no pdoc. ?So I am sort of stuck right now. I see the counselor on the 20th, but not sure what she can do for me. Any way, I need to go/
Ann, you are really sounding stronger; at least you know where you are emotionally, even though you may not like what you feel or see about yourself, at least you aren’t in denial!!! So girlfriend, hang in there! It really will get better.

love you,
bip

hi lori, i’m not ignoring you, but i need to get some 7 hrs or less sleep before work tomorrow. will write you later.

love you too,
bip

#71

Hi Anne & BIP,

Well, I received 2 letters today from the dept of human services. One stated my new amount of food stamps would be $30 & the next said $29. I’m going to assume the lower of these 2 figures & be happy that it’s a little something to contribute to the cost of groceries here. My room-mate will not let either of us starve, but I feel very bad about the small amount I’m able to contribute.

I suppose I am just thankful that I will be installed in the program & when I am able to move out that amount should go up somewhat. Yes, you are lucky, Anne, that your gov’t disability is like a wage! The US doesn’t handle social programs very well in my opinion & then there’s the stigma of being on a welfare system, too. It can be shaming in some respects & I’ve often heard people state that people with mental illnesses just want a free ride. (I certainly don’t, but I have a long ways to go before I will feel ready to support myself fully. I guess that’s what I will be using the counseling resources for at the beginning of the year.)

I have a feeling I would be taking the sleeping tablets more often, too, Anne! I have a terrible habit now of getting up in the morning & taking my lithium & a benedryl capsule to try to go back to sleep. Sometimes it works, but many times I just end up lying there. I believe it is a severe form of escapism, but in some respect it is just my way of self protection. I try to stay in bed until my room-mate has made his breakfast & has not just passed out on the couch, but has gone to his bedroom. Today I woke up wearing my sweats. I put a different shirt on, combed my hair, brushed my teeth, checked the mail. I didn’t put makeup on or shower & right now I just don’t care. I know when I have an appointment or start working I will be more inclined to take care of myself.

My room-mate comes & goes. As I said yesterday he made some mean comments, but lately he’s also been emailing me about how proud he is that I’m sticking with the medicine. I guess I don’t just take it faithfully now just to avoid mania, but it’s also to be able to continue coping with my room-mate. I think sometimes the stress of my living conditions causes me a lot of anxiety & I’m just hanging on by a thread, but I am hanging on!

Anne, it’s wonderful that you were able to go stay with Emma for awhile. I hope the doctors are able to find out what the cause is for those blackouts! It must have the same affect that your volunteer work did, though. Helping Emma, I mean. I remember doing peer counseling at a rec center for people with mental illnesses, & believe it or not, that actually got me back in the mode to start working again. Sometimes, especially now for you & me Anne…it’s difficult to see that others can actually have it worse than we do. Focusing outside ourselves is a good thing.

Let’s see…2003 I was separated from my husband after slashing my wrists & being hospitalized & moving in with my friend in Colorado. 2004 I had a quiet an uneventful Christmas with my husband in our new home in Georgia. 2005 I decorated the house & held Christmas until my husband returned from Iraq. 2006 I was right here in my room-mate’s house waiting on my divorce & being afraid about losing it all. 2007: well…I’ve lost it all so there’s no where to go from here but up! I’m sure your hardest battle will be getting through the holidays without your mum, Anne. I feel very sad that I am without the love of family around too. I would like to see us both preparing for a nicer Christmas next year! I shouldn’t say this, but for me I just want to make it through the holidays & the next few months without a plan to celebrate.

Well, it’s almost 7 & my room-mate is up & I guess I’ll go get something to eat. Don’t feel alone about the sleeping! I find it’s just a means of getting through the days right now. Granted, I’m not doing anything negative…but I don’t feel I’m doing anything all that positive either. I cleaned the kitchen up (which was a cluttered mess of pans & plates from the room-mat’es breakfast. I swept the kitchen floor. That’s all I need to do for now & I have anxiety all the time, too. It really is worst in the morning & instead of jumping up & taking a shower & sitting here as if I have some purpose…I guess I’m staying in bed to avoid another boring, depressing day. And hopefully I will have more motivation next month!

Love you ladies!
Lori

#72

Hi Anne,

I used to like to draw & would consider myself somewhat of an artist, but I tried doing that again when I first moved here & I had too many erasures that were starting to ruin the composition! I also feel uncomfortable trying to do most things I would normally do if I were alone because my room-mate sort of wants to chat all the time & it can be very distracting! I do still like to read, although I have not been doing much of that lately either because I plowed through 2 books I retrieved from my marital home & now the other ones I got (that I haven’t yet read) just don’t seem very exciting. I think when I am able to drive again & will be going to the library to get a few books I will enjoy. It’s really just a pastime as I don’t care much for tv.

I should join your club & try for the daily shower! I washed my hair today in the kitchen sink & went out to the carport area, where the washer & dryer are, to blow dry my hair. I try to be as quiet as a mouse so as not to wake my room-mate. I don’t know how else to get on schedule here with showers. I think it will mean getting up early to do that before the room-mate gets home, but then I just sit around & play on the computer (spider solitaire! It is pathetically repetitious, but I still enjoy it.) I believe I stay in bed so long because I just want to avoid everything right now. It makes my days shorter so I can just get through them.

I believe my room-mate will have about 10 days off from work as of this Saturday & that will be a difficult time for me because when he is home his hours get all messed up & he drinks a lot more. I think when I make that next visit to my counselor I will have to see if anything can be done to get me into housing before next spring.

My visits with the counselor are not very productive in my opinion, either. It is just “how are you doing” kind of conversation, too. Before I transfer back to the previous doctor I had, I hope to use the resources of that case worker who comes to the house. I don’t know whether or not it will make a difference, but I’d hate to think I passed up something that could have helped in anyway.

I have to admit I am not at all manic, so I truly appreciate that. But I do worry about my level of depression, too because it tends to immobilize me. Others without this disorder just don’t understand how difficult it is to think about working again & feeling productive & being able to take care of yourself. It really overwhelms me!

That is wonderful that you were able to get a few Christmas presents for Ben & Emma! I’ve heard tell that half of the picking yourself up out of depression is to just fake it, 'till you make it. Sounds so casual, I know! And easier said than done, but that’s exactly what we have to do.

I envy your having Peanut to care for! I’m not even sure I can have a pet in the housing that is available.

It was sunny & warm here again today. I think that’s what motivates me to get up…I start feeling too hot! I know sometimes lithium is not tolerated too well in the heat, so I’m hoping something can be added or changed to that before spring. It gets miserably hot here in the summer & is very humid. I had hot flashes so bad last year that I thought I’d just pass out. So to be on the safe side…I hope a med change will help. The Remeron I take for depresion I’m almost afraid to stop taking because it has helped me sleep. I took Effexor many years ago for a brief time & it helped somewhat with the depression. Just all the side effects with anything sometimes becomes a problem!

Well, I have to go see about the laundry & emptying the dishwasher. Minimal house work, but it’s the only thing I don’t mind keeping up with!

Love you, Anne!
Lori

#73

Hi Lori,

Glad to hear you are getting some food stamps…it feels better if you can contribute I understand that. Glad you understand about the sleeping pills it is just a way of getting through the days…but up to now I have not ordered any on-line, although I do think of doing that…like I said though I know I will take more than I should and spend more time asleep than awake…it just feels like I’m wasting time these days!

I still have to go christmas shopping…its hard because I do not feel any christmas spirit and I am going to Ben and Emma’s on Saturday to exchange gifts and have a christmas meal. Emma is very ‘into’ christmas and I know I am going to have to put an ‘act’ on very their sakes.

My room-mate just took her car in for repair (she reversed into another car) I don’t know how long she will be, but the plan is to get a shower and my hair washed so that when she comes back I can go shopping. I am giving Ben and Emma money but need to get a few gifts for each of them to open on Saturday.

I am not crying so much now and I’m hoping the increase in my anti-depressants is helping. I should have gone to see my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) yesterday but did not go…it is a 20 minute drive and we just talk about how I am feeling and I don’t think it helps me. I have to go bacnk and see the Doctor in 2 weeks to see how I am doing. Still not heard anything about my psychiatrist appointment…yet last week when I was real bad my CPN said he had contacted the Crisis team and their psychiatrist would be out to see me!

I feel so low still and keep telling myself ‘this to will pass’ but it seems to be going on and on. Before I lost my home I had depressions but they lasted at most 3-4 months now I have been depressed for almost 2 years and I am beginning to think this will be my lot for life now.

I allow myself to dream at times that I will find a new home that I will love the same as my last home. I want to surround myself with comfort and feel that security once more, that feeling of ‘its good to be home’. I realize in writing these e-mail’s to you that ‘security’ is one of the main things I need.
I do feel ‘insecure’ and even here at my friends home I do not feel anything like I use to. Maybe I have changed and will never feel again the way I use to. I don’t believe we can go through what we have been through and stay the same, but I have yet to become comfortable with the way I now feel.

Its not so cold today and I am determined that I will go out shopping. Peanut continues to grow and has had his first injection so can go out in the garden now although we have to watch him because he is so little he can get under the fence. He goes back for his 2nd injection on the 27th December then I can take him for walks.

I wish I had an hobby or could think of one I need to do something other than sit and think of the past and worry about the future. Do you have an hobby Lori?

Adding this at 8.30pm time for bed…I never got my shower or hair washed I just had a good wash, brushed my hair and went christmas shopping so its done now and I don’t have to worry about going. Now I just have to shower and wash my hair tomorrow…thats how I am going to try and be productive from now on…set myself just one goal a day.

Well will close for now you are in my thoughts.

Take care

love
Anne x

#74

Hi Lori,

Didn’t write yesterday still feeling very down. Do you get dizziness and a feeling of disorientation? I have had this for over 2 years now.

Well! Christmas is almost here and I do not feel at all christmassy…it will just be another day for me. Going to Ben and Emma’s tomorrow…they are going away to Emma’s parents on Sunday and will return next Thursday.

I usually only go down to see them once a week so it will not be hard.

I have to wrap their presents today and even that feels like a major chore. Oh! I long for the time when I will feel better…it all still feels surreal to me, even my mum dying feels like that.

My friend’s decorated the tree and put a few trimmings up and I guess I should really try harder to get into the spirit of things but I feel so low.

The psychiatrist my CPN was trying to contact ‘never showed’ and I get to feeling I am just a number to my CPN. I was so down and suicidal and he promised he would get hold of a psychiatrist and it all just came to nothing.

When I say suicidal I don’t think I would ‘act’ on it…I just want this torment to end. I use to be able to ‘deal’ with depression it was something I could work through…knowing things would get better…now I am not sure they will.

I want my ‘home’ comforts around me and I don’t even know what they are anymore. Sorry if I sound like I’m complaining but I think its that time of year. I try not to think about tomorrow too much because I don’t know whats going to happen and I tend to think negative. I try so hard to be positive but there is not much to feel positive about at the moment. Ben is my lifeline I keep on going for him. He needs me…he often rings me and asks for help with one thing or another…so I am here for him.

Will write soon

take care
love Anne x

#75

Hi Anne,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had such a problem getting in to see your psychiatrist. Will you be contacting your CPN again to hurry things along? I don’t like to think of you feeling suicidal because that’s such a bottom place. I feel so depressed, too. I won’t act on it, because that’s just another trip to the hospital & I’m doing my best to stay out of there!

I had too many hospital stays last year…one a month for 3 months! But I really know how you feel. I don’t feel dizzy, but I have been getting the shakes recently (mostly in my hands.) I also am having a terrible time with my sleep. I took my lithium & remeron last night about 11pm & stayed on the computer until almost 6am this morning. Then I went to bed & again I wasn’t up until 2:30 this afternoon. I wake up frequently & I have some kind of anxiety I can’t express when I know I really need to get up. I’m starting to feel as though I will never be able to get on a normal sleep schedule & that’s got me worried. So much of it has to do with being comfortable where I am, & like you…I’m not so sure about how to get through all of this.

I turned on my cell phone yesterday & there was a message from my daughter, Lyza! She had gotten a new cell number, so I called her & it was wonderful to hear her voice & know that she’s doing well. Nonetheless, she is 3,000 miles away, & I wonder if I will ever be able to work at a decent paying job so that I can visit her. It seems as if I’ve got a huge burden on my hands to just be able to support myself now.

I also received a Christmas card from my sister & she is retiring this year at the age of 54! I feel as if I’ve wasted my life & my degree. I will be happy to just start working again, but I wonder about health benefits & all the things I am currently doing without. I will not be able to retire for a very long time!

I called my therapist yesterday & left a message that I’d like to change my appt. next week to an afternoon one (due to my sleep problems) & asked if she could speak with the pharmacy so that I can pick up my meds on the same day. She hasn’t called back & I imagine I will have problems getting in touch with her since next week is Christmas. I dread having to get up at 7am so that I can be ready to go to an appt @ 8:15. Unless I am able to get accustomed to going to bed at 11pm every night until next Thursday, I don’t see how I will be functional that morning. Sometimes I think I should just stay up all night, but I’m so afraid that will lead to mania or a worsening of my depression.

I have had good psychiatrists in the past in Colorado where if you had a problem with your meds, you could call them directly or call the med nurse. I can so relate to you having problems & not having an opportunity to discuss it with the Doctor. I want to change doctors for that reason. There are only 2 psychiatrists in this area & while both are hard to get a hold of, I just thought the other doctor had a better working knowledge of who I was. I can’t even see a month down the road right now. I truly am just getting by & I have so much anxiety about the future I feel like I could explode!

This time of year is very difficult because yes, everyone is doing something with or for their families & I don’t feel part of that here. (And when you said you put on a strong front for Ben, I feel that way with my daughter. I don’t want her worrying about me & I know she would.)

I spend most of my time on this computer researching meds & reading how other people make it through this disorder. I should be an old pro at this by now! However, I am not.

I really think you will feel better once you get your own place. I think I will because then the only issues I have to deal with are my own. Right now it seems so far off & just getting through each day is a chore, but if I don’t think about the possiblities of getting on with my life, I stay stuck where I am & that isn’t living…it’s just existing. That is how I feel right now…as though I’m just taking up space. I just don’t know what else I can do at the moment. But I have GOT to start a sleep schedule if it kills me!

The room-mate will never give up his drinking, & while staying in bed until he goes to bed is a good way of avoiding him, it’s not getting me anywhere with a schedule that I will need to work. He will be off from work tomorrow morning & not have to return until January 2. At that time he will be working a new shift, 3-11pm (or something like that) & I will be trying to get on a good sleep schedule for getting my own job. I will hopefully have my license & car ready in early January. That should help me immensely & I’m going to strive for a job in February. (Scares me terribly, but getting a job is half the battle!)

I enjoy hearing from you because we are so much alike. It’s not so much that “misery loves company” as it is that I know we understand each other’s pain & we do not judge each other negatively. I believe what we feel right now will pass. Sure, it hurts like hell as we’re going through it! But down the road…I think we can have a sense of some “normalcy” & that may lead to actual happiness.

So Anne, while you are there & I am here & we are both BUMMED OUT (!!)
I just want to ask you to keep hanging in there. I will do the same. And when we have good news…I’ll be happy to have a true friend to share that with! In the meantime…I don’t ever feel you are complaining. I am here listening & thankful that you are there doing the same!

Love,
Lori

#76

Hi Lori and Ann,

Just a short note, when I was on Lithium, I got the shakes really bad in my hands esp. and a metallic taste in my mouth all the time. But I felt so wonderful I didn’t care about the shakes nor the taste.

Any way, love you both,
bip

#77

Hi Lori,

I would not be afraid of you trying or asking to move in with me, you silly thing! But it was cute how you put it. But I live in Oregon, Pendleton, the big Round-Up city that is world wide famous. (which I personally think is a big farce). Any way, you know something, you might go down to mental health, and ask them if there is any one that is needing a roommate, or even at your doctors office.

I know how you feel about feeling like a “herd of cattle.” I felt like that at one time in another I clinic I used to go to also. Actually, sometimes I feel like that in this one, because there isn’t a pdoc in this one, they are bombarded with us “mental people” for help. lol But none the less, I know that feeling well.

That feeling of being trapped, is actually brought on by our own fears! and our own anxiety. Once we look at what is causing us to feel this way, which usually comes from another time in our lives, childhood, a bad marriage, many things can make us feel this way. But a bad pdoc is better then none at all, and some times if we ask the right questions we can get them to think about helping us with their answers. Then you take what you need, and leave the rest. Or a counselor. If our counselors never seems to help us; and if we seem to go from one to another one all the time, I was told that I’m not willing to help myself either. I’m not saying that is what is the problem with you Lori, but bkz of the bipolar we have a tendency to not look at “who we are” or “what we are doing”.
We may look at our selves too critically, and that doesn’t work either. So that is what the counselors are for, to sort out the destructive thinking from the constructive thinking. Sometimes, we can do this with each other, if our trust level is high of the other person we are conversing with.

Any way, my dear friend, you still sound more “up” then what you did the first time I started talking to you. So you must be doing something right for yourself.

You are looking to the future more, or at least thinking about what you can do in the future, so that shows you are looking at “what can I do with my life to make it have better quality” and that is a good thing, its that light at the end of that long tunnel of recovery.

Honey, I love you! tonight I’m not doing so good myself. My family is a bunch of self centered brats that only think of themselves; and then gets hurt when you bring it to their attention. I was a wrong in the way I brought it to her attention, but not in what I said. so now I have to figure out how to apologize, but still keep what I said, apologize for the “way” I said it, with anger, frustration, accusations, blaming, down grading, or something like that. It is never easy to say I’m sorry when you know you are half right in the first place. Now I know how frustrated my Mom was with me when I wouldn’t do what she asked me to do; and way, I hope I can sleep tonight. It is already 2:19 am here. our time is 2-4 hrs. ahead or behind yours. I know Nevada is one hour behind us i think, and texas is two hours ahead of us.

Any way, hang in there! Remember, people do love you! people do care! and when there is a problem, there is always a solution, even though it may not be the solution we want right away, but it may be a solution to start the ball rolling the way we want it to roll, so eventually that ball hits a home run for us.

love,
bip

#78

Hi Lori,

So glad you heard off your daughter that must have been so good for you…I hope you can in the future get to visit her!

I guess hearing off your sister and that she is retiring must have made you feel that had your life ‘played out’ normally you would be retiring also at a more ‘normal’ age. I feel like that with my life, if it had ‘played out’ normally I would have been living alone but happy in the place I called home…I did love the house I lost so very much, not just the house but my next door neighbor had become a friend and I also loved the area. I went back to see my neighbor about 2 years after I lost the house and her husband said “we don’t want you round here after all the trouble you caused” I just walked away…what could I say? It was sadly a very public event my psychosis and my neighbors witnessed it all!

I hope you get your appointment sorted for next week and your meds. I will not get to see a psychiatrist now it is too near Christmas and I do not see my CPN until the new year.

Yes I may be better on my own but I worry so much that I will not get the kind of home I want…I want a garden so that I can spend time outside in the summer. Oh Lori. I had everything I wanted and it is so hard to come to terms with losing it all still…I wonder if I will ever get ‘over’ all this!

Do you think the ‘shakes’ are from the lithium? I can’t wait to get bacl on lithium and hope that I will feel better on it then I do now. I hate feeling dizzy and I am not sure what the cause is…its not med related for whichever meds I have been on over the last two years I have felt the same! I asked my CPN about it and he thought it could be anxiety related, but I’m not sure.

I have wrapped the presents for Ben and Emma and go there at 1.30 this a/noon. My dad is still alive and lives a few hundred miles away. He is very annoyed with me because of all that happened…he thinks I had ‘control’ over it and although I have talked to him a couple of times on the phone I have let the relationship slip because I find it hard to talk to him and now I have forgot to send him a Christmas card. He is 84 and I know I should try to keep in touch but he goes on about “why, did you smash the house up…you loved living there” and it hurts enough feeling that I should have been able to stop it somehow.

I try so hard to block the memories out and look to the future and I still end up wishing “if only”.
I have been looking at local houses to rent just to see what is available and there are still many being lived in by the flood victims from the summer so hopefully by the spring they will have got back into their own homes and there should be more houses to choose from. I want to find somewhere I can settle for life I do not want to move again.

Well I will close for now Lori and write soon.

Take care

love
Anne x

#79

Hi Lori,

And I am hear also listening to you both! and no neither one of you are complaining. I just wish when I was going through what you two are going through now, I would of had a friend like you two are to talk to. I didn’t have any one. No computer, no real friends, just street friends, that was in the same position as myself, and I felt I was all alone.

So you two hang in there for each other. I am thankful you two have each other, so neither one of you do any thing foolish to yourselves, like I tried to do.

I Love you both, and my heart goes out to you both. If I was in the position, I would have you both come live with me. By the way, could that happen? YOU two live together some where down the road?

love you both,
bip

#80

Hi Bip!

It isn’t such an outlandish thought that it hasn’t occurred to me! I have no idea how it would be possible though because Anne is in the UK & I am here in the SW US. I have given some thought to asking my counselor about assisting me in finding a room-mate who may be BP. I am really just thinking about having a female room-mate as opposed to a male one, just because I feel there could be more compassion without the underlying factors that seem to surface when living with a man.

I am already trying to think about the future & how I will go about getting into my own place. I may have to stay here longer than I planned if I am not able to work. I say that because although I am high functioning, I also have these lows in my life that are absolutely not conducive to working.

Where do you live again, BIP? (Don’t worry, I’m not going to fly out there & ask for a place to stay!!) I was just wondering if it’s me, or the illness, or the lack of good doctors in the area that have me feeling so trapped?!

I really don’t have anyone to talk to about all of this except in this forum. The counselor & doctor pretty much just herd you through like cattle & that doesn’t help. I remember a 2 1/2 period of time that I wasn’t on meds & wasn’t in counseling, but I worked 2 PT jobs & made friends (as far as having someone to talk to.) Kind of makes me feel that since I was hospitalized so much last spring I have to attend all of these sessions & take meds that probably aren’t the best for me.

I love you, too BIP. And anytime ya want to just vent or talk…that’s what this forum is perfect for!

Lori

#81

Hi Bip,
I can’t wait to get back on lithium I am sure it will help me greatly I have given myself a time-scale of 4 months to get ‘stable’ on the lithium…then I will look for a place to live. I am in the UK and Lori in the USA so sadly we cannot be room-mates…but I think we will always be friends…and you are also my friend Bip and its good to hear from you.

Take care

love

Anne x

#82

Hi Lori,

I took the presents down to Ben and Emma’s and they had got me a beautiful photo album with some lovely pictures in (I lost all my photos when I was on the streets) but Ben had found some among my mums things and had done them into a photo album for me…I cried! I miss the photos of

Ben and Andrew of them when they were small and now I have some and that is good. They also got me a book by Patricia Cornwell (my favourite author) and a box of chocolates so on Christmas day I will read my book and eat the chocs (my weight is another matter…lol) and ‘try’ to relax…they also got my some bubble bath etc and that will have to wait because here at my friends she only has a shower and I love baths…so when I eventually get my own place I’ll make sure I have a bath and will use them then.

It is very icy here today and the cars and roads are covered in white ice. I don not like the winter and cannot wait for spring…by which time I will be back on the lithium and hopefully feeling much better and ready to ‘move on’.

Hoping you are well and still feeling positive about the future…it helps me so much having you to write to…because we ‘share’ so many experiences.

Will write more tomorrow.

Take care

love
Anne x

#83

Hi Lori and Bip,

Well Christmas day is over and I am glad it is still a ‘hard time’ for me, but I went through the motions. We had a Turkey dinner and watched some ‘crap TV’ and I got lots of chocolate (everyone who bought me it knows I want to lose weight) but its Christmas and so what!
Hope you both had a good Christmas day?

Glad you got your battery Lori and went for a burn in your car…it will be good for you to have that independence again and I bet you are counting the days till you get ‘back on the road’.

Bip, it would be a good idea to set-up a chat room for bipolar…it may prove a little difficult with the different time zones but I’m sure we could work it out somehow. I am on my friends computer and don’t often get on it but if we had a ‘set’ time I could tell her and get on-line.

I love my photo album and it still upsets me greatly that I lost all photos of my children, but my new photo album is something I can build on and I am going to write to my dad for any photos I sent him of my sons when they where young.

I continue to look on-line for houses to rent and know that there are still many ‘let’ to the flood victims so it will be a few months yet before I can ‘look’ properly. I long for the day when I can re-build my ‘home’ and have quite fixed ideas about what I want. A nice garden is a must.

My accent Bip is very ‘northern’ and considered quite ‘harsh’ by those in the south…lol. I love accents though and when I was younger had quite a scottish accent…my dad being from Scotland.
Lori, I can’t wait to get back on the lithium…when I was first diagnosed bipolar after quite a horrible time of psychosis (that time I ended up in a ‘lock-up’ unit) I had feeling quite similar to now and the lithium smoothed those feelings out in about 6 months so I know it is no ‘quick fix’ but I am kind of pinning my hope on it helping.

I don’t have anything for sleep and find it difficult getting to sleep and yet I know if I had sleeping pills at the moment I would ‘abuse’ them so I will have to struggle on.
I understand what you mean about your room-mate when he is drunk, not a pretty sight…the guy I stayed with was the same the more I saw him ‘passed out’ with drink the less I felt for him ‘in that way’. Sadly, because of the way I was at that time (psychotic) and the ‘terms’ of me staying with him it was a sexual r/ship. I must admit I had quite a few of them when I was homeless…it got me somewhere to stay for a night or two…although looking back it was very dangerous but guess it was survival.

I keep getting hot flushes and guess it is the menopause but I do not want to go back on medication for that its just another ‘fat pill’ and I am getting more aware of my size and feel annoyed that pills can do this to me. I dare not come off them though. When I get back on the lithium I will just take the anti-depressant and leave the Zyprexa alone.
Well! will close for now, my friends and send much love to you both.

Take care

love
Annex

#84

Hello Ladies!

Well BIP, I thought you lived in oregon! I was born in Portland, but haven’t been back since a family reunion in 1984. I sort of miss the west coast, especially the ocean, which is so much more “rugged” & the smell of the salt water is wonderful on the Pacific Coast!

I have that kind of feed back too from my counselor…not wanting to look deep within myself for answers. But I don’t think that’s entirely true. I have also been told that my responses are hypomanic, when I just think I’m trying to get out a bunch of stuff in the short time allotted.

So much of what I have to talk about has to do with my living environment & it makes me feel bad because it’s sort of like talking about the room-mate behind his back, but I really need to be able to talk to someone about all of this because it’s bizarre! Take for instance, I don’t sleep all that well, but last night I went to bed at 1:30 am. (Not so bad compared to other nights!) But then I stayed in bed until 4:30 this afternoon because I didn’t want to face my room-mate.

Last night he blasted his music & then took his CD’s into his bedroom & played them there until he wanted to go to sleep. He also blew out a candle he had lit next to the phone, & there is wax everywhere! I imagine that’s because he was angry because I didn’t want to sit around & talk to him (shout above the music!) When I got up, the kitchen was also a disaster! He spills things on the burners daily & I have to change foil on them because they’re so far gone. He also makes these enormous breakfasts, & I’m sorry…I just can’t eat when I 1st get up. I don’t feel panicky about all of this, but I feel angry & I wonder exactly who needs the babysitter!

And Anne, that is so wonderful that Ben & Emma put together a photo album for you! I have lost many photos along the way, but I know when I’m in my own place I will proudly display those of my daughter & step-son!

As for the bubble bath! Ah! You will have something to enjoy when you are in your own space! Although there is a bath here with a shower off of the hallway, I still feel very strange showering when my room-mate is around! I’ve taken to locking the door, but I still feel very weird! I’m wondering if setting my alarm clock will help! The only reason I want to get out of bed now is to have a cigarette, & since I have to go outside for that, it is awkward as well. It has been warm here still & when I cleaned up the kitchen I did go out in a T-shirt to smoke. That is the nice part of it.

I have an appt with my counselor on Thursday, but as I’ve already mentioned, she hasn’t returned my call to reschedule for an afternoon appt. I will have to call the desk tomorrow & see if they can get a hold of her. The lithium doesn’t make me feel good or bad. I get the shakes sometimes, & I’ve put on weight…but those are small problems. I would just like to have something to sleep besides the remeron (because that does make me FAT! LOL!) My remeron will be running out by next weekend & that pretty much scares me because I already have sleep & panic problems! So I guess I will have the same meds refilled for now & then maybe on Jan. 2, the PDoc will come up with something different.

I am primarily playing a waiting game until I get my car to running (I’ve asked for a battery for Christmas!!) And I should have my license back in a few weeks! (I’m almost scared to have the freedom of getting to my own appointments…which is ridiculous because as opposed to being trapped out in the woods without anyway to do ANYTHING, it will be a luxury!)

If I sound hopeful, it’s probably because the alternative is to feel “stuck” right where I am & that’s a terrible rut!

I will ask my counselor when I see her next to help me plan a method of getting out on my own, & perhaps she will know of someone who would like a room-mate.

Anne! Enjoy those chocolates! (LOL!) I got up in the wee hours & devoured a chocolate bar that had been in there for months! Just had a terrible craving! I keep telling myself I don’t want to be fat, but that hasn’t stopped my cravings every now & then!! Perhaps it will be easier when I live alone & don’t have alot of money for food! (I’ll go back to living on yogurt, grapefruit, bologna sandwiches! But I think I’d like to get a crockpot again & make a big pot of bean soup to last for a few days!)

I must close for now & have my after-dinner smoke! Both of you are wonderful & every time I read what one of you writes, I feel a little bit happier! Just knowing that we’re “hanging in there” together makes the other things not so bad!

Love to you both!
Lori