Happy New Year, Anne!
I can’t believe I’ve been at this reply for over an hour & it gets deleted! I better keep this more brief!
You’re right! I have a feeling the actual “doing” will be less stressful than thinking about it! I still can’t believe your disability is paid an actual wage that allows you to live in a nice home. I wish the US was like that. I also hope you will be able to be closer to Ben & Emma, but in that nicer area you are familiar with.
And you mentioned frequenting pubs there. Well, I had my drinking binges last spring & I hung out at the liquor store chatted with one of the clerks there. Just manic behavior & flirtatious with the wrong bunch of people, too. I’m not sure if I went off my meds at about that time, but the end result was disastrous! I have my lessons to learn still though.
New Year’s Eve I had a huge row with my room-mate. I had taken the phone 'round the front of the house to talk with my girlfriend in CO about some advice. Yes I had to quietly speak of my problems here, but when I got off the phone he accused me of being conniving & using him & said that I need to leave. As in right that instance. I started shaking like a leaf! All I could think of was living in my car again, with no license to drive it & no money to go anywhere! He then kept telling me he’d help me get an apartment or buy me a plane ticket anywhere I wanted to go. Again…it was immediately! I ended up drinking 2 glasses of wine to calm down & I hadn’t eaten anything yet. (Well…the short version of this is that the wine mixed with my lithium increases the level of lithium in my blood & acts as a thinner. A period that had lasted 2 weeks starts all over again & I have bad hand tremors & an upset stomache. I mentioned that to my room-mate the next day & all he did was offer me more wine to calm down!) That disruption meant that I went to my room & wrote a tearful letter to my parents. I also didn’t go to sleep until 5am, when I had to ask him to PLEASE shut off the stereo. New Year’s Day I get up at about 2pm when my cell phone rang. It was my step-son. I took the phone outside & my room-mate & his son were out there working on some outdoor lights. I got off the phone again & right away he starts with the “you gotta leave” & “you can’t stay here.” So for the past 2 weeks he’s had off from work I’ve had more anxiety than usual because his drinking is always worse. When I say he’s got a good-heart…I guess I’m using the words he applies to himself. I’d like to think that was true, but when someone befriends you & allows you to stay with them…it shouldn’t come with expectations of a romantic relationship. And I have a difficult time even feeling affectionate or friendly towards someone who has the potential to make me homeless again. That’s such an uneasy & insecure feeling.
I almost didn’t mail that letter to my parents. I told him I was going out to the mailbox to remove it because it may be upsetting for them. Then I just decided to let it go. It’s almost as if I want them to know how bad things are here in case something happens to me. He says he’d never physically hurt me, but he can be enraged (I think because of rejection) or he’s asking me at every moment whether or not I’m okay (in the bathroom as an example.) It’s mood changes & all he’s done is admit he drinks too much. Beyond that, no change & when I told him this morning that some hugging is good, but beyond that it’s kind of like sexual harrassment…he said man! you must have had an abusive relationship because of drinking or drugs in your past. (I have to keep telling myself that he has to turn the tables & make me the person with the problem…just to justify the same old behavior day after day.) So, I think it is worse than I’ve discussed with you or anyone before.
My son said to leave right away & when I told him I still needed to get my license (mailed the last fine payment in today & will wait for the form I need to show the Dept. of Motor Vehicles to be mailed from the Court) and that it would take me until the 1st part of May to pay of a couple of more bills…he just said, Mom…keep your cell phone charged & with you at all times. If you need me, call & I don’t know how, but we’ll get you out of there. So where it’s ususally just a mild annoyance to live here…the past 2 weeks were severely stressful. (And I’ve tried to stay off the computer because it irritates him & it may help me fall asleep sooner.) Today he went back to work. He left at 1:30 & I think he’ll be home after 10:30 or so. I will be able to shower more regularly while he’s away, & even if he comes home & drinks 12 beers at night, he’ll be sulky in the morning…but not drunk. And he won’t be able to drink before going to work in the afternoon. So my intentions are to compliment his sober times rather than criticize his drinking times. When I get my license back I won’t have much in reserve for gas… & trips to my counselor, but perhaps I can go the library & get some books to read on weekends & I’m also thinking I’ll make Saturday a cleaning day (I’d like to say he can’t get mad at a woman who’s vacuuming…but he was still on that “get out” rant while I was cleaning!) I’ll just try to find things to do on the weekends. Maybe even paint the office (where I wrote on the wall) & my bedroom, where he had to put sheetrock up (because I took a hammer to the wall.) I can’t let his moods trigger an episode for me. This has got to be the most unhealthy environment I’ve ever lived in. I think when I went manic last summer I felt trapped & those feelings are still there, but maybe I should start talking to my therapist about it. My girlfriend said, Don’t you dare go to counselling with your room-mate because of the problems you’re having with his drinking! That will just encourage him that you want to have a relationship with him! I think she’s right, but the alternative is that my Counselor will probably tell me to go to the shelter. And I just have these visions of being separated from my clothes & toiletries & things. I don’t know how long you can even stay in a shelter or if you’re required to work or pay for it. My son would rather I just leave this house (& state!) once & for all, & my female friend said not to stress myself with looking for a job even here. She said just do the laundry & tidy up & keep to yourself & pay down those bills & then drive out to Colorado. I am not a lazy person, although in some settings I suppose I don’t do much. As in here. I do such minimal cleaning & if it were my home I would take better care of it. But it’s not my home & I don’t even have similar tastes to this man. I would never want this home, nor will I ever feel comfortable in it. I know when I worked last I felt so wonderful! It wasn’t about the money or even the type of work. It was just that I had something to do outside of the home and my co-workers were all females who became friends. Now that I’m faced with trying to support myself it seems that I am even more fearful! Will I be able to do the work? Will I get fired? (I’ve had that happen so many times, too.) Will I have an episode (although I’ve never had one at work before but I’ve had my ability to perform questioned.) So I may take the easy way out & not think about working. In 3 1/2 months (giving me that extra time to get the license) I could probably save some extra money to leave with. It would be beneficial to try, but I truthfully don’t feel my meds are quite right.
You hope to get off the Zyprexa soon, & onto the lithium! I think lithium may only be a cause of slight weight gain. I know Zyprexa is a very real contributor to weight. Effexor may be as well, but don’t try too many changes at once or you won’t be sure of what may cause side effects. If you have been on lithium in the past, it may be a little unkind at first, but your body will adjust. I want to go off my lithium & replace it with either Neurontin or Lamictal (BIP’s on the 1st, Julianna, my son’s girlfriend, is on the other.) I want to do that because I’m really having a bad tremor lately & my bladder can’t handle all the bathroom trips (I think they keep me up at night.) I’d like to go off the Remeron altogether because it causes weight gain & it hasn’t been helping me sleep as well lately. I’d be afraid to switch to another AD because I almost always feel agitated, anxious & jittery. I’d prefer to have an anti-anxiety med or a mild sleeping pill. Tomorrow I will see my Pdoc & see what she has to offer me. If your Effexor keeps depression at bay, you may want to stay on it. I have had both extremes of this illness & I’m as afraid of sinking as I am of becoming manic. I guess I feel about you the same way I do myself…be cautious & take the changes slowly. I don’t realize how an anti-depressant helps me until I go off of it & realize I am seriously depressed. I’ve only been on Remeron for a yr (on & off) & cymbalta briefly. And it’s even hard to know if feelings are side effects or just a by-product of what’s going on. My divorce took 10 months & that was basically a yr filled with constant worry & stress. Of course the end product was the worse case scenario, too, which didn’t help.
Julianna emailed me some low income housing options for Colorado today. The wait list there is up to a yr & 1/2. Plus I will have to re-establish residency in another state before I can apply. I may only stay with Cache & Julianna for a brief time because they have a tiny 1 bedroom apt, but I’ve asked if they can continue their lease & perhaps move into a 2 bedroom, with me paying the extra rent amount. I don’t know if they can or will even want to. I can possibly live with a girlfriend for a small time, but she’s been on a wait-list for a place since last April (& she’s currently staying with her son & his family!) Then there’s Cache’s Grandfather, my ex-father-in-law. He lost his wife to cancer last yr (& she was so wonderful to me!) The problem there is that he’s a severe alcoholic too. He is a virtual invalid now, but I’m told he could walk if he wanted to…he’s just despondent from his wife’s death & gone back to his bottle of whiskey nightly. I recall his rages & mood swings. I’m not sure that would be much of an improvement from where I’m at! On the plus side, he probably wouldn’t belittle me for being a “User” or for not wanting an intimate relationship. However, on the down-side…he is family (inlaw) & I would feel a sense of responsibility to care for him & his home just to have a place to stay. It reeks of co-dependency. I’m in that sort of household now. And I’m pretty sure the verbal/mental abuse would be as I recall it. The thing about alcoholics is that I really don’t think they remember half of what they say. It sounds so sick & psychotic! And it’s used to intimidate. I’m not the strongest of people, that’s why I suppose I make a good target! It may take a crazy person to know one, though! In that case knowledge doesn’t do me any good.
I want to have a little stability behind me, too. I don’t think meds will help as much as I’d like them too, but this is an extremely anxiety-filled time for me. I can’t even say I’m bored. I don’t feel empty or happy or depressed. I feel fearful about where I’m at & anxiety over where I’m going!
This is not as long as the last version…but I almost deleted it again! I better close here for now! I’ll let you know about my Pdoc appt tomorrow. I hope you get in to see yours soon. (I may also change doctors in a couple of weeks. I liked my other doctor more & I had counseling through her only. Either way it’s a painfully long wait to schedule an appointment. Oh! Thankfully, Julianna sent info about a disability resource center in Colorado, too. They assist with meds & I think I can have my doctor fax all of my medical history there so I won’t have a disruption with my meds. That’s always got to be a priority from now on!)
You even sounded positive in that last email! Keep it up, Anne! You’ve got me smiling under bad circumstances too!
Love,
Lori
