Hi Lori and Bip,
Not sure whats happening with you Lori hope you are ok. Bip do you think Lori’s left and does not have internet access, she usually writes on a regular basis and its 5 days since she last wrote…I am getting concerned now…computer playing up here will write again soon.
Take care
love
Anne x
Dear Anne (& BIP),
I’m sorry I haven’t written lately. I am okay though. I’ve had a rough time. As you know, Jack had those 2 weeks off over the holidays to do not much more than drink & ruminate. That came to a head on New years & then with having to go to my Pdoc on the 3rd he seemed to calm a bit. Then this past Monday (the 7th) he complained of a neck-ache & called in sick to work (but I believe he had been up quite awhile & drinking already.) That day was a little scary for me as well because it has only been a short time since he blew up & it’s fresh in my mind. Yesterday got a little better though & since today was my birthday he seemed cheerful & was actually sober (though I don’t think that was for my benefit…it just happened to be a rare event!)
I also got a form in the mail today from the court that I need to take to motor vehicles to get my license back. It’s from paying off that final speeding ticket! I hope I can get into “town” tomorrow morning & do that & that I don’t have too many points so that it will prevent me from driving! Then I need to also go get a duplicate title for my car from a different office because my ex-husband says I destroyed it when i went manic (I may have, so I don’t want to argue with him or contact him further.)
I am okay & will see my strange pdoc (the only one available right now) on Jan 30th…the good pdoc on March 7th. The counselor is set up for every 2 weeks starting next Tuesday & hopefully I’ll be driving myself now. (I’m also hoping she’ll guide me in my decision process about where to move because I still just don’t know what I want to do. I feel so alone here in this state & don’t know anyone really.
My son is calling on my cell phone but the connection is bad so I’m going to get off the computer so I can talk on the home phone.
I’m okay ladies…still confused…still bipolar (lol!) but okay & alive! Anne have you heard anything yet about a PDOC appt? I went back on that Topamax in place of the lithium 3 days ago & man I have to go back to the lithium again! I see what you mean! That Topamax makes me feel so tired & dopey! I just want to lose weight so bad & the first time I was on it for 2 weeks I lost 6 lbs. In 3 days I didn’t lose any weight, but I talk to people on the phone & one person said I sounded drunk! I also can’t find words or I say a different word than I mean. So it’s back to having to pee all the time I guess & being fat! (At least until March 7th when my other doctor will look into this for me. Hey BIP…Doesn’t that Neurontin make you sleepy, too? I think it did that to me, but I don’t remember. I think I only took it for a few months.) Maybe it’s not the lithium so much as the remeron that’s making me chubby.
Gotta go. Take care you two!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
So good to hear from you and a belated birthday greeting. With not hearing from you for a few days I was worried things had come to an head and you had, had to move out. I am pleased you are still ‘holding on’.
I have been having a bad time and even broke down in tears at Ben and Emma’s which I really did not want to do but everything got on top of me and I was without meds for quite a few days so I was getting withdrawal effects. Ben kindly picked my meds up for me and it was when I went to pick them up from him that I broke down and said I was scared and was very depressed. He gave me an hug and Emma was very loving toward me, but I have done so well to hide it from them for a long time and finally I could not hide it any longer! I am annoyed with myself because I did not really want Ben to know how down I have been.
I go to see the psychiatrist on the 24th January so only two weeks to go and then hopefully I will be back on lithium. Sorry the topamax did not work for you but you are honestly safer on lithium…at least thats what I believe…I am praying that when I get back on lithium I will be able to cope with life better and get myself sorted out.
Keep strong Lori, I am praying for you also.
Take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I don’t know if she has left either, but I hope and pray she has left and has no access to a computer. I am so worried about her. Her situation is SO volatile right now. I’d hate to see her go to that boyfriends house and get into something worse then what she is now.
But as you know, when we are coming out of something like she is in, we aren’t always thinking with “clear thinking.” (well as clear as we can be! lol) Yes I am worried about her doing something stupid to herself as well! If you hear from her, please let me know. I may any way, as your two emails to each other come in my email window as well. So I do hope and pray she is okay.
love,
bip
Hi Anne,
I have some advice for you and a question: Are you not human? Please do not put your self down for doing only what is natural for us, to cry when we can’t take any more. God gave us those tears for a reason, they have a natural chemical in them that allows us to feel better after a good cry. Besides, your son needs to know how you are feeling, as it shows him that you can trust him, even though you may have trust issues with others. Also, with us being bipolar, it is our instinct to put on a mask for others and let them think we are doing okay.
I learned the hard way about grown sons. They also have a natural instinct, to take care of their family, and if the mother is having a problem, then it is their responsibility to help. Think back to the animals in the wild, who does all the hunting for the pride, or herd, who protects the family? It usually is the male. Men are no different. God gave them also a natural instinct, to take care of the mother when she can not provide for herself. If the son is what a son should be, that instinct is active with in their heart. It sounds like your son has this quality in his heart. We need to allow them the privilege of taking care of us, if they want to. It makes them feel needed, loved, and that you trust them enough to allow them in your life, and “under your skin” so to speak.
Any way, I’m glad you heard from Lori. How is she? I don’t have an email from her, but I hope she is okay.
love,
bip
Dear Anne & BIP,
Well, as I said…the Topamax gave me mind fog so today I took none & just my lithium. I already feel a little better, just not quite so “dumb.” And it’s earlier in the evening & so I can collect my thoughts & write to you both & still make it to bed before Jack gets home at 10:30 from work.
I’m sorry you ran out of meds, Anne, or that you got upset in front of Ben & Emma…but BIP’s response about that was beautiful & touched my heart, particularly because I’m probably going to be moving in with MY son & his girlfriend, Julianna! So I think I would feel just as you did if I had been in the same situation & if BIP wrote that email to me about the protective instinctual nature of sons it would have hit me the same way as it did when I just read it! We love our sons! (And their girlfriends!) We feel shame about having bipolar disorder & we feel shame for what we’ve done in the past when we were going through an episode. No one can make that go away & the worst thing I hear is “get over it!” Teach me something or guide me through something is how I think it should be.
I paid off that speeding ticket & didn’t have as many points as they told me last time, but I had yet ANOTHER ticket!! Now that was mania from hell last year & a time when Jack had kicked me out & I was living in my car, without meds. I’ll be able to pay this ticket off in 30 days (& yes…I’m sure it’s the last one because after that the car wasn’t running.) I was also told that if I pay $75 & take a defensive driving course they will take 7 of the 9 points off my record. That’s pennies after what I’ve paid in fines. It will keep insurance costs down, too…& when I move to Colorado & have to get a new license there I will have fewer pts. If I can put it on a credit card I will do that in Feb. If I have to pay cash it will have to wait until March.
I was thrilled that you get to see the Pdoc in 2 weeks, Anne! I think you’ll be happier on the lithium again, too. I have a re-check with my current pdoc in 3 weeks & about all I have to tell her is that my anxiety is alot less, my sleep has improved 90%, & I take a 1/2 risperidol at night sometimes if I can’t sleep (but not every night.) I feel like I’m just “making do” with my current meds/current pdoc/current counselor until I have the appt in 2 months with my previous pdoc who has a completely different approach. I get the feeling, Anne…that you’ve been trying to just get by for awhile the same way as me. I’m happy to see that you’re making progress! I am too…just a few more road blocks here & there!
I’ve been talking with Cache & Juliana about staying with them. It would be spring before I’d have money for gas to drive out (& I might be better off selling the car & flying there.) Jul looked into a 2-bedroom apt & it would be a new lease plus about a $500 deposit & additional monthly rent. I told them I would want to pay them before I came out because that seems only fair. They are a little worried about how they would afford the higher rent when I move out. (I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford to move out!!! SSSHHH! I’m not kidding!) Still, they are loving wonderful young adults & I am seeing a move there, with them as probably my best bet. (ARE YA LISTENING BIP!!! I’m teasin’ ya!) I spoke with my old boyfriend today & he places no pressure on me. He wants me out of where I am right now because he knows it’s unsafe & unhealthy. He cares enough about me for that. He even thinks it would be wise for me to live with Cache & Jul & acclimate to the area again & it would give us a time to get to know each other as friends again, too. Much better than just BOOM! I move in!
So onto my next topic…the job! I’m back to thinking that I’ll take a job as soon as I have the license & those classes done (I believe they are only on a couple of weekends.) That should be out of the way in Feb. By the end of Feb I’d really like to be working (it would be very good to get out of this house, and I need to be saving money to send to Cache & Jul.) What do you 2 think? I know you probably think it’s the wisest move I’ve mentioned so far. I think working would keep me from obsessing about things so much. And I think it would make me more a part of the community (this is such a small town with the cops & deputies hanging out at the convenience stores…) I think I’d feel safer somehow.
Well, I long for the day when I’m in an environment that is comfortable (if not my own…at least a place where I can be typing on line like this whenever I chose!) It’s only 9:30 & I wonder, Anne when you say you go to bed early…is this how early you mean? I’m feeling a little tired too & I may just think about trying to go to sleep early myself.
Anne, my doctors have always told me that lithium doesn’t just prevent mania, it also prevents suicide. I have still been depressed while on lithium, but it’s true. I have never been suicidal on it. I still cry. I still get nervous (anxiety has got to be my biggest nightmare!) But on a minimal dose, enough to keep mania away…I feel pretty okay (& not just flat or “blah”.) My hopes & prayers are with you that you will have a similar response again with lithium.
BIP…thanks for what you wrote to Anne about sons & their protective instincts. I don’t know why…probably because I’ve been a little emotional the past few days thinking about my own son & hearing him say that he will always be there for me…it just choked me up. It was somehow poetic & very meaningful to me. Thank you.
So strange I haven’t met you 2, but I feel as though we’ve met & I feel close to you both! Have a good night/day (!)
Love,
Lori
Anne,
It means a lot to me that you are so far away & still get very concerned about me. I must have described my situation well enough for you to have the general idea of what I’m going through. Both you & BIP seem to have gone through similar situations with men/relationships/worries/tough times/bipolar issues/it gets to be too much sometimes!
I notice when you aren’t on the computer some days, too & I really love to hear from you. I know you may not be able to right now (I run into that here & have to wait until afternoon/eve.) I don’t care if you email me what color socks you’re wearing this day! I really just find you a lovable, remarkable, wonderful woman (mother & friend!) You are very interesting to me!
Okay…now it’s late & I better get off the computer!
Love,
Lori
Hi Anne,
You are welcome!
love,
bip
Dear Lori,
So pleased to hear from you and to know you are ok! What is Topamax? was that instead of the lithium? I honestly believe from my own experiences that staying on lithium for me especially is a MUST…I was so well on it and cannot wait to get back on it and hope it smooths out this ‘jagged edge’ I have in my mind.
Its good news about Cache and his g/friend looking into renting a 2 bed apartment that will be great for you and will allow you the time you need to readjust to life there. I’m pleased also that yoy male friend wants to see you and see how things work out for you both. Bad news about the ticket you have just found out about, but like you say that will be the last one.
I am pleased that I am getting to see a psychiatrist at last and cannot wait to get back on the lithium. I have never seen this Pdoc before so hopefully I may be able to get him to prescribe my sleeping tablets again!
Yes Lori I go to bed at about 9-0-clock, although often I’ll lay in bed and watch TV for awhile, I always juist want to sleep it shuts the memories off. I know this is no way to live though and I am hopeful that with the lithium added to my efexor I will feel better.
I am going to Ben and Emma’s tonight for a cup of tea and a chat and I do not feel so tearful now so hope I will put their minds at rest. I do not want them to worry over me. I need to get a shower and my hair washed though and I don’t want to. I don’t know why I feel like this about showering…it is definately something that is common in all my depressions and I struggle with it so much.
I am still scared about living alone and hope that is mainly because my meds are not right and hope that when my meds are sorted out I will feel more ‘able’ to cope. It is hard when feeling depressed to imagine ever feeling ‘normal’ again and I have been depressed for so long now I have almost forgotten what it feels like to not be depressed!
Anyway I am so glad you are ok and hope things continue to go smoothly for you. Will write soon.
Take care
love
Anne x
Hi Bip,
Thank you for your wise and kind words. Hope all is well with you!
Take care
love
Annex
Hi Lori,
Thank you for being appreciative. I just know how hard it is sometimes to accept help from our kids; and esp. the protective nature of our sons! It is almost like they are more protective then their fathers. My oldest son now gets along with my husb, his step. But when he first came to live with us after getting out of a group home, he was very angry! Angry about many issues, and some of those issues distorted his thinking about this new man in mom’s life; and he wasn’t exactly the best model to follow; however, I was amazed at the way he was protective of me, to point of not liking his step. He kept telling me “Mom you and I could make it on our own without him.” He was right, and there were times I wished I had listened to him!!! But after all, I was the adult, and knew more then him,right? I hardly think so NOW! But I know if I had of listened to him at that point, my whole would of been MUCH better for the last 18 yrs., but I was TOO proud to take his advice and help! My oldest daughter at one point wanted me to move in with her and her girlfriend, but I was TOO PROUD to listen! Then I became VERY ashamed of my illness, and the things I had done while in manic episodes.
However now, my oldest son has traveled around the world from the Army, and has seen many things that no one should see, been through his own divorce; and has basically lost his only daughter from that divorce; and now has been married to a lady with 4 boys of her own; needless to say he understands where his step was coming from. He will talk to him now, and feels a fellow feeling with him.
But…my youngest son, still does not like my husband, even after 21 yrs. of marriage to him; and him providing for me, for the last 2 years at least; and from talking to my oldest daughter, and her acceptance of him, and my youngest daughter calls him “dad,” and my oldest son taking my husb. side. (if side is what you want to call it). My youngest son still does not accept him, saying he doesn’t provide for me; and I just don’t know that I’m not happy; and I could do so much better! But my youngest son is talking to me and we have “sort of” good relationship as long as I don’t talk about “him.” lol
But I guess 3 out of 4 isn’t a bad average.
So PLEASE take some advice from my mistakes! My mistakes were almost detrimental to having a relationship with any of my kids! Why? bipolar being diagnosed, my own damn stubbornness, being ashamed of my behavior, and then again being ashamed of my illness.
Thankfully after 20 years of working on MYSELF instead of him, my kids and I have a relationship, through the encouragement of, guess who? my husband. He has lost all three kids of his from his previous marriage, so he knew how it felt to loose your kids. He’d had them for 9 yrs. and she just up and left one day.
Any way, I love you both, even though we have never met, I also feel I have met you both; you both have taught me so much about bipolar illness, so much that I don’t feel alone in my illness any more. Every time I read one of your emails, I learn something new; as you two have the same feelings I’ve had, or are having now. (like the sleep issue and med issues, and finding a good pdoc that you feel comfortable with, and not wanting to feel like they are just “pushing you through the system,” feelings I know all too well.") Even though I may not always comment on what I am feeling or going through, I appreciate your honesty and openness about our illness. And when I see a need to give my “wisdom” to you two, I do! But please don’t feel like I am preaching, as I’m not; I’m just wanting you two not to go through what I have gone with my own illness and stubbornness. (and shame)
I guess this is pretty long, sorry!But, hey, I’m bipolar, so what can I say!
love, bip
Hi Anne!
Wonderful to hear from you! And just knowing you have plans to go to Ben & Emma’s warms my heart.
I don’t always think my medicine does much for me, & then a few days without it I notice negative affects as you did when you hadn’t filled your prescription. The Topamax is a mood stabilizer/anti-seizure/migraine med. It usually makes people lose weight. So yes, I was taking it instead of the lithium. But I’d get really tired during the day & as I said it puts you in a mind fog so the slang term is “Dopamax!” I didn’t like that or the way my lips would get numb. I also seemed to have restless leg syndrome with it & felt itchy. Just a strange drug. I don’t know where I will go from here. The last time I saw my pdoc she didn’t really listen to all the different meds I’ve been on before or what I was actually requesting. She prescribed the resperidol because of my anxiety & sleep problems (& I’m not manic or psychotic…so I really didn’t want to accept that into my regiment.) She did however, say that at the end of the month, if I still had anxiety she’d consider giving me an anti-anxiety med. (I need that mostly for a good solid night’s sleep & I’d rather be just taking that & my lithium.) I don’t ever hold out a lot of hope when I see this doc though because she looks me up on the computer & spends a good chunk of the time just reviewing what my counselor has written. It would serve me better if she would let me give an up-to-date account of how I’m doing. She wanted to put me on Stelazine, which is one of the old anti-psychotics like thorazine, & I refused. I was put on that when I was in law school & went manic. My feet were so swollen I had to remove the laces from my sneakers! I’m not a know-it-all, but I’ve been on a variety of meds through my life with this illness, & my body doesn’t tolerate a lot of them. Weight gain & constant urination are fairly insignificant factors, but they still do cause me a bit of concern.
I just printed a picture of cache & Jul that they emailed to me! I have never met my future daughter-in-law, & she is so lovely. She has an absolute “shine” about her! She just radiates charm. I did speak with her & ironically, she sounds a lot like my own daughter! I feel close to her already & told Cache I will probably be speaking with her more than with him! He just laughed! They make such a nice looking couple!
Yes, that ticket was uncomfortable, to say the least! Not because it extends my stay here, but because I still don’t have my independence & I have a difficult time having to be driven to my pdoc or counselor or to the store. The alternative is to just not go anywhere & that really makes me feel trapped because it isn’t my home & I don’t feel comfortable here. But it’s 3 weeks away! I just looked at my calendar. And I’m thinking I may just try to see about working even in Feb if I can. I’d like to work on that driving school on weekends & get out of this house during the week. If all I do is work, go to the classes, eat, & sleep for 6-8 weeks or so…I’ll be filling my time more productively than just sitting here fretting all the time. That eats me up inside.
Since I’ve lived here a little over a yr already, I’ve found I have a low-level depression that won’t go away. I wish I could live alone, but I can’t afford that. I don’t think I would be as anxious living with my son, but I would really want to strive towards helping them financially & that would mean a more substantial form of employment than just a clerk in a convenience store! I definitely want to enjoy my time with them & I really worry about being a burden or invading their privacy even. Still…this is family & as I am proud of them, I hope that I will give them reason to be proud of me.
Perhaps once you have a few months of lithium stored up (LOL!) you will be able to move into your own place & from that slowly get back into volunteer work like you used to do! I hope that working again will give me a chance to meet people (& not just the mean & nasty ones!) I would like to develop some new friendships, I really would. I feel like I’ve just been hanging by a thread (mental health-wise) for this past yr & a half. And like you, I think getting my meds tailored a bit more to me personally I will do better than I have been. I know how strange it feels to just exist. This limbo phase! So much of it really has to do with surroundings, though. So I hope my meds will be changed for much needed sleep/anxiety & that I can work at something in this very small town long enough to pay the moving costs! Whew!
I like that you are able to go to bed at 9pm! I just do my computer stuff afternoons & eves now & try to be in bed by 10:30. Last night I got pulled into a conversation when my room-mate got home & I was just finishing an email. Didn’t go to bed until 2 am & then I couldn’t sleep until 3 & I had to take the risperidol (funny, that makes me kind of “jumpy” too!) So tonight I’ll try for 10 again. Coming up on a weekend, which I dread, but I’m starting to write in this nice, big day-timer/journal that my Mum gave me for Christmas. It was for my appts, but I’ve found jotting a couple of comments about the day are good for me. And I do count days until I see my pdoc, days until I pay off that ticket, get the license, get to see the new pdoc, pay off a charge card, leave for Colorado! Kind of silly, but I’d rather look forward than look backward! (It’s a disaster back there!)
I hope you have a good time at Ben & Emma’s tonight! I wish I had some good friends or family to get out & visit nearby, but I’m trying to keep them close in my heart (& I put Cache & Julianna’s photo above my bed!) Now I don’t know if your children smoke, but Jul quit recently. I will have a tough time with that, so I’m going to be trying harder to cut down (& maybe even quit) before I leave. That’s all I need to help me put on another 10 or 15 lbs!!! One day I hope we are laughing about this all, Anne. That would be nice.
Have a good night.
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
I felt really bad when I run out of meds and my lips went numb also…my head felt like it was going to explode…so I am pleased to be back on them at least I don’t have those horrible withdrawal effects!
Went to Ben and Emma’s and Emma had bought me a lovely bunch of yellow flowers (to cheer me up) oh! if only it were so simple…still she meant well and I thought it was lovely of her to think of me. Ben is pretty ‘stressed out’ because of working full-time and doing University part-time. I worry about him because I would hate for either of my sons to have any mental health problems.
I still feel trapped here and wish I was stronger so I could just ‘begin’ again on my own. It is so scary when I think of it and the anxiety it causes is immense. A guy e-mailed me with an house to rent in a nice area with a garden and I replied and asked how long he wanted to rent it for (because I want a long term rental) have not heard back off him yet…but even thinking about it I get scared…its mainly I think to do with this ‘jagged’ feeling I have in my head and I hope lithium will even that out, but in the meantime if an house comes up I’ll be unsure what to do! If I felt ‘normal’ it would not be a problem, but I don’t and I wonder if without my meds sorted I would be heading for failure! I have lost so much of my confidence since all this happened and things that once seemed so easy are now major hurdles.
I try to be patient and allow myself the time to get back on the lithium but all the time I’m looking for houses and wondering whats going to happen in the future!
Its nice you have a photo of Cache and your future daughter-in-law…I did not realise that you had not met her and when you do you will have a lot of catching up to do…that will be nice. Are they going to rent a 2 bed apartment? When will you be looking to move? I hope it all goes well for you.
Well! its Saturday but its just another day to me…before all this happened each day I had a different routine and Saturday was my main ‘clean up’ day and shopping day and I use to enjoy that so much…now I just sit around and I guess I feel sorry for myself and all I lost. I know I have to try and be more positive,but its so hard and I am just killing time. I want to believe that I will find a nice house with a nice little garden and that my head will ‘clear’ and I can get back to some normality, but the last time I truly felt ‘normal’ was before all this happened and thats a long time ago now.
I wish I could write you with some cheery news but at the moment I am still in that depression and it seems to have no end. I have not been taking my Zyprexa properly and have been taking a couple at a time to send me to sleep during the day so I am now determined to just take one at night like I’m suppose to and hopefully that will help. Like I said before I am bad with sleepers and always take more than I am suppose to, to try and sleep away the feelings. Zyprexa is not a sleeper but does have a sedative effect. Its when I feel anxious that I tend to over-medicate…I just want some release from those feelings. When I use to have home-leave from the psychiatric hospital they use to give me enough sleepers for say 3 nights and I would take them all the first day and then really ‘suffer’ the next couple of nights. Stupid I know!
I just want a ‘safe’ place to live and peace in my head Lori…I don’t think that’s too much to ask for and I know it is only me that can sort that out and I have to try and be strong and put the past behind me. Each day when I wake up I pray this will be the start of returning to feeling ‘normal’ I now believe though that feeling will not come until I am back on lithium so I need to try and get through the best I can.
Well! I will close for now. I am thinking about you Lori and hope you can maybe get a little job that will get you out of there for some hours.
Take care
love
Anne x
Hello Anne,
It is about 8:15 in the evening & I thought I would see if you wrote. I was pleased that you did! Of course the room-mate got angry that I’m on the computer, but ya know…I don’t want to sit in front of the tv & watch some insane show or have him start a line of questioning or listening to him singing (very loudly & drunkenly) from beneath the walkman headset. He just stormed from the living room to his bedroom & slammed the door. I would have gone to bed shortly if he had not, anyway, just to have some peace. He had the audacity to say we were more than friends or room-mates the other night & I felt my cheeks burning & getting red. All I could think of saying was, “No, we are ONLY friends & room-mates.” He was drunk, of course, & I knew the conversation would become strained. When he even describes our “relationship,” using that specific ter, I cringe. I may have lived here for a year & am grateful for the shelter, but if I had somewhere else I could have gone earlier (or recently) I would have opted for the other choice.
I am pleased that you made it over to Ben & Emma’s & that was very sweet indeed that Emma bought you some yellow flowers! Like you, I wish it were that easy to get out of a depression. When I received a birthday card from an aunt, I felt happy, but a little sad just knowing I should be doing something more meaningful with my life than I have been in the recent past.
I worry a little about my daughter & mental illness, just due to simple genetics, but she is 31 & has lived a pretty full life without any disturbing actions, moods, or behavior. I’ve seen her down because she was single (up until about this time last year) & she has gained weight during her down times which hurts her even more, but she bounces back without AD’s & her weight falls right off when she’s in love (as is now the case.) I worry about Cache a little more, actually. Although he’s my step-son, his mother went from post-partum depression to post-partum psychosis. From there her diagnosis went from bi-polar disorder to paranoid schizophrenia. She lives in a nursing home & is very much unable to form thoughts or care for herself. Cache’s Dad was a neighbor of mine & our daughters played together. I held Cache in church at Christmas when he was only 2 months old! By the time he was 5 months old, his Mum was in & out of the hospital. I fell in love with his Dad & we married when Cache was 4 months shy of his 2nd birthday. We acquired custody of Cache & his 2 older sisters (who are 6 months older & 6 months younger than my own daughter.) Nine yrs later I had completed college & was in law school, separated from my husband. I had a manic episode that landed me in the hospital for about a month. Eventually my husband came & retrieved me & brought me back to live with him (& Cache.) Cache has seen most of my “crazies” & he’s visited his biological Mum (although he feels alot of shame where she is concerned & in the past, she didn’t always remember she even had a son!) Ironically, his girlfriend has bi-polar & ADHD. Of all of my children (I include my step-children) I suspect that Cache has the highest risk of developing BP. Not just from the mental illness on his Mum’s side, but because depression & alcoholism run on his Dad’s side. Cache has already had a DUI & “totaled” his car. He is inclined to “party” although Julianna’s had a marvelous effect on him & I think her intelligence sort of sets an example for what he wants in his life.
I know that “jagged” feeling you refer to! I get that under different circumstances. Obviously when I am in psychosis, but also when I’m experiencing a great deal of anxiety or pressure. (Real or imagined!) I truly felt that those 2 weeks around Christmas & New Year’s I was having such severe anxiety that it affected my sleep & then that just makes me even more anxious. I don’t think paranoia is quite what I mean, because I don’t think everyone’s out to get me, but I am fearful & panicky. I think that’s because my room-mate was home & he’s either gruff, agitated, childish, or pushy (in the touchy-feely way.) So I go & get anti-psychotics because I can’t quit being afraid or shaking or worrying about being homeless, attacked, or even yelled at! That’s why I have to get out of here. My jagged feeling comes from my surroundings at the moment. And I’m no one to scold you about taking too much Zyprexa! I’m bad with sleepers, too, & I’ve tried taking an extra dose of the AD, Remeron (but that doesn’t seem to help me sleep more.) I’ve taken the AP, Risperidol…but it actually makes me feel kind of jagged & shaky…so I’ve tried to stick to 1/2 dose. I usually over medicate with over-the-counter sleep meds, but they don’t seem to give me the sound sleep I’m looking for. Now when it comes to sleeper? I’m actually pretty good. If I’m not, I end up having a tolerance, & then they don’t work either…so I try to just take them as prescribed. I hope I can get some at my next appt, just because I want to seriously sleep without waking so often with worry or to use the bathroom. Perhaps if I explain that my living situation causes me anxiety…but that I hope to move away from this situation in 4 months or so, she will allow me something for just a temporary time. That would be wonderful, but if not…I suppose I’ll keep using all these over-the-counter remedies (to excess!!) I wish I could sleep my depression & days away, too. I feel guilty because I stay in bed until 10 or even almost noon again. I keep thinking like you that maybe something will be a little better when I wake up & all I ever feel is that dread of dealing with another day here at my room-mate’s house. I always feel as though I’m only getting 4-5 hrs of sleep & then tossing around for a full 12 hrs just so I don’t have to greet the day. How strange (& hopefully refreshing!) it will be to be around non-alcoholic family again & then eventually getting my own flat.
I think it will take me at least 2 months to work & save to send Cache & Jul a deposit & rent money. I won’t be able to drive until February, so I was thinking of working from sometime in Feb thru April. I believe I will also have to sell my car because it has too much mileage on it & would probably not make it the 2,200 miles to Colorado without breaking down & then I would be stranded in a completely foreign state. I guess I will fly out there & have to pay to have some of my belongings shipped (although I’m willing to leave much behind in order to save money & time…want to be on my way & May still seems so far off!) Julianna & I have emailed alot. I asked her to look into the 2-bedroom, & she wrote back about her findings. I may have mentioned, they are concerned about how they will afford the higher rent when I move out. They haven’t signed a new lease to do that yet, & that’s why I need the job…to send them the deposit money first. That seems the best solution.
I have been doing housework each Saturday (at least as a New Year’s resolution.) I was very thorough today & pleased with the results. It smelled & looked so much nicer, although I would appreciate my efforts more if it were my own home. I’m trying to show my appreciation for shelter & assistance in a way that I feel is appropriate. I don’t cook, or fawn all over this man, or even enjoy holding a conversation with him. I dread weekends because I really prefer to be by myself than to spend time with him. He makes me that “on edge.” So the housework each Saturday, less computer time, writing letters to my Aunt, or Parents, or a friend, starting to get back to journaling…these are things I’m trying to fill my time with that keep me on top of my boundaries & help me sort of “escape” mentally from co-existence with my room-mate. I painted the computer room & the guest bedroom (the one I sleep in) last week. These are also done with the idea that I am a care-taker & not destructive. (The painting was needed because of that writing on the wall, etc when I went manic. I had to quit seeing that all the time!) But I have paid him back some of what his costs have been in helping me. I do all of the laundry, & I’m quiet & clean (sounds like an ad for a live in maid!) I just need to get out of here with what little dignity & confidence I can muster. And I will. You will make it out & into your own place, too! And as I started to think of things to occupy my time with since the 1st, I have found, the more I have to do, the better I feel because I worry less about current & future events. So the job is going to be a must for me, but if I look at it as a stress reliever (getting me out of the house!) & a money-maker (getting me the funds to get “home”) it looks alot easier to undertake.
You say you want that safe place & peace in your head. What a beautiful way to phrase it. I think you will be able to create that Anne…I truly do. I too want a safe place (& I believe we are entitled to just that!) I pray for my own safety each & every night because I have such enormous fears. I pray for you as well, because I think until you feel that inner peace, in your head as you say…you probably have enormous fears, too. Maybe not so much for your physical safety or the threat of being homeless, but we both know the fears of the future all too well! I want us both to have those good things. I don’t feel manic or psychotic now, just unbelievable anxiety & confusion about how to make my way out of where I am, when to do it, & then from there it’s starting all over (& for me it will be with virtually nothing more than some boxes of clothing, many of which no longer fit! But I’m hoping they will!)It’s pretty hard to know how to go about getting on with life. I think what has helped me most is having internet friends like you (& BIP) & knowing my family are trying to give me hope & support. Whenever I’ve come out of my worst depressions (& they’ve been extremely bad) I always find myself praying “thank you” to God for my life, & thanking Him for the love of family. That’s very different than the “keep me safe from harm” prayers I have now or the “please get me out of here (life)” prayers I have during a severe depression. I think you are on the right path with lithium & your search for an home. I tend to think about things too much too, & I guess it would be great if the proper decision just came to us! Take your time with the meds (don’t want you to get toxic from too much too soon!) & maybe if you go look at that home you will have a better idea if you want it. See if it grabs your fancy! If it doesn’t feel right, for whatever reason…talk it over with Ben & Emma maybe. Or even your counselor. In the end Anne…I believe you’ll make the decision that is best for you at that time. (Just for grins…I’m scared shitless about the future!)
I better try to get some sleep. Tomorrow I suppose I’ll make a list of the things I want to talk about with my counselor on Tuesday. I have a lot of insecurities & indecision about where I should move to, when, how…an emergency shelter (in case something goes awry in the next 4 months.) I’m fairly certain I will move to Colorado as I’ve planned though.
Good night Anne. I know things can & will get better for us. You are courageous & wise.
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Well I wrote a long e-mail to you this morning then just before I finished it the electricity went off and I lost it all! So I’ll try again.
It must be very uncomfortable for you when your room-mate infers that you are more than friends or room-mates and I can feel your disgust at that and I am sure I would feel the same. I only lived with that man with a drink problem for 2 months and I felt disgust towards him, but also fear. I was in a bed and breakfast hotel when I met him and I was running out of money so I took him up on his offer to stay with him. I was not depressed at that time but manic. I left a lot of clothes and boots and shoes there and he still texts me from time to time, but I do not reply, and shall not go back for my belongings, none of the clothes would fit me now anyway.
It is terrible about Cache’s mum, that must be an heavy load for him to bear. I can understand your concern for him and hope that being with Julianna gives him a ‘stable’ lifestyle and he does not suffer with any mental illness. It is so hard to know when it is going to strike though. I did not have depression until I was 29 years old and was diagnosed bipolar at 39 years old. In that 10 year period I had a very good job and was still married, we bought a very nice house and everything seemed ok. I went to University and my husband and I were not happy. We split in 1993 and my world went ‘crazy’ I realise now I was manic but did not know at that time…it only took another bad r/ship and I went into a severe depression. I was living with a man who had no understanding of mental illness and he ended up beating me up badly. I got a rented house with my youngest son Andrew and I went manic again, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with Bipolar and given lithium. I slept on my mums couch for 8 months and was in a severe depression. I eventually got a flat/apartment above my mum and went back to University,both my son’s lived with my ex-husband at that time. Andrew asked if he could come back to live with me after I had been in my flat for 6 months and I of course said yes…but it was only 1 bedroom so we moved to the lovely rented house I later smashed up. Ben came back to live with us in 1997, I was so happy to have my son’s back and all was well in my world and I never even dreamt that things would change. I intended to stay in that house for life…I had 8 years of normality on lithium and I wish every day that I had never come off it.
I am glad that you shared with me that you also over-medicate at times I thought it was just me and it helps to know that others ‘try’ to make it better by over-medicating. I know though if I had an endless supply of sleeping tablets the way I feel at the moment I would just keep putting myself to sleep. I am willing the days to go faster now so that I can get to see the psychiatrist and get back on lithium. I need to get an home of my own come the spring and hope the lithium will give me the balance to do so.
I am pleased to see you write that you will hopefully be getting a job in February…it will help pass the time and you will be saving to get back to Colorado…a good reason to work again. I hope you get a good job and can save what you need quickly so you can get out of the unhealthy environment that you are living in. It is good that you try to occupy your time with cleaning and writing to family. I must admit I do very little, although I have read the book Ben and Emma bought me for Christmas and its a long time since I read a book…so now I will begin another one.
I so much want that ‘safe’ place and peace in my head that I am determined to ‘get through’ these depressing days and get back on lithium and then try my hardest to find an house that I can make into a home!
The feeling of wanting to ‘give up’ is sometimes hard to overcome…but I could not take my life, because I see Ben’s distress at losing my mum and I could not do that to him and of course Andrew, although I have little contact with Andrew. I think Andrew is ‘ashamed’ of me and I can understand that, the girlfriend he lives with, Avril, witnessed me going ‘crazy’, so I guess he felt terrible at the time and what with me losing the house and spending 10 months in hospital the damage was done. Andrew was always very, very loving towards me and it hurts that the ‘distance’ between us is not only in miles. Maybe, if I can establish an ‘home’ again and Andrew and Avril when they visit, stay with me, and Andrew see’s me ‘coping’ things will change…I can but hope!
I have spent most of today laying in bed watching TV and I know that is not the answer, but until I get my meds right, I am just accepting each day as it comes and pray that tomorrow will be better.
Well! Lori I will close for now, stay safe and know my love and prayers are with you and I think about you often and I am so pleased to have you for my friend.
Take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I kept busy writing letters yesterday, but was happy to see an email from you today. Even our age at time of diagnosis is very similar! I had a psychotic break at age 27, but was also diagnosed with depression (& anxiety.) I was on meds for a few months after a 2 week hospital stay, that I did voluntarily, knowing something was wrong. About a yr after that I met & fell in love with Cache’s Dad. I divorced my 1st husband, my daughter’s Dad, & married my 2nd husband a yr later. I had 11 stable yrs, without meds. In that time I completed my 4yr college degree & had 2 yrs off, working a bit, before I was accepted at law school. Then, in my 2nd yr of law school (1995) that was my next terrifying “break” & that’s when I was diagnosed with BPD (age 38.) Since that time I’ve always been on some type of med, although not too often with lithium or the other mood stabilizers. Feb 04 - Aug 06 was a time when I wasn’t taking any meds or seeing a doctor. I’ve had so many episodes during the time of this last (3rd) marriage, that I think it was a trigger for me. My 1st marriage lasted 10 yrs & I had 1 hospitalization. My 2nd lasted 13 yrs & I had 1 hospitalization. During the 6 yrs of this last marriage I was hospitalized 4 x’s (& 3 more during the separation.) of the 4, the 1st & last were manic. The 2 in the middle were depression/suicide attempts. The 3 last spring were all manic. I don’t like either extreme & I believe that’s what will keep me on a mood stabilizer permanently!
As you left the man with the drinking problem & left articles of clothing behind, I am willing to leave things behind here at the room-mate’s house. I don’t know if I will try to drive or fly when I leave, but I imagine I will have to ship things if I fly & heavy things (microwave/vanity/vacuum) might be costly to ship. I still don’t really know how I will do this, but since I’ve felt a sense of urgency recently…I think all that will matter is that I get on my way.
I’ve only started trying to make better use of my time since New Year’s Day. I guess I realized I had exhausted every resource I could think of to just “get by.” That was when I asked for the Resperidol to be added to my meds because I thought I would literally explode. I was a ball of shakiness & fear. The row w/my room-mate made me feel like I was losing my mind (because I had done nothing to offend him.) If I don’t do something besides sit at the computer I have worse sleep problems. I don’t mind the cleaning because he stays out of the house while I do it. The letter writing is therapeutic (& because the one I wrote to my parents yesterday was too long…looks manic, I will re-write it tonight to make it more concise.) I still have problems with other things though. Phone calls! Today I had to call about a social security issue & the food stamp office. I was in my room & he kept coming in to ask me questions. He also had turned the ringer off on the phone yesterday, & there were 2 calls from Texas. He demanded to know who called from that state. I don’t even know anyone there, so I explained it was probably a solicitation. When my girlfriend called yesterday he picked up the phone for awhile (he’s done that before.) These are all obsessive behaviors & an invasion of my privacy. He is so paranoid (it makes me feel that way!) I know it will take some serious effort to shake the feeling of having my every move scrutinized. It’s more than odd; it’s very sick & yes…I get scared. I don’t think I could move in with my old boyfriend straight after leaving here. I think I might be prone to have PTSD, a residue of living here!
Weekends can be a bit of a hardship now, but I called on that last traffic ticket & they are willing to drop the late fee (which cuts the cost of the ticket in 1/2!) That means I will be able to pay for the defensive driving class tomorrow & take it on Feb 2. It’s only a 1 day class. Then I will pay off the ticket & get my license reinstated. All of the driving privileges I will regain will be so important to my sense of safety (freedom as well.) I’m not thrilled about the way my car runs now, but if I do a few inexpensive things (fluids & filter changes) it may run a little better.
I always get a little anxious about applying for work or starting a new job, but I think I have more anxiety being cooped up in the house with no way of leaving. And making use of my time will be a nice diversion.
I see my counselor tomorrow & have more things to discuss with her than usual. I’d like to see if she has any job referrals or if the caregiver (similar to what you have, a social worker who comes to the house) has any knowledge of that nature. Then I need to get general info on the shelter (for emergency purposes) although I hope I won’t have to go there. I’m also curious about the possibility of finding a female/BP room-mate to share rent with. I don’t want to stay in Georgia for any reason, but my Dad seemed to think I should try to access all resources here, knowing that the cost of living & rent is higher in Colorado. (I do contemplate all these issues, & then I know that if I’m unable to find work I will feel I’m a burden to Cache & Julianna.) I can’t live on my disability. At a minimum it needs to be supplemented with a part-time job. I truly would like to find employment with a decent enough wage that I would be taken off disability & have an option to purchase my own health insurance. I know people do it, but that’s because they stay stable with meds & outside support.
I’m so happy you will see your pdoc soon! You make me want to take my lithium! Isn’t that funny?! I remember wanting to give up too, Anne. Each day was just more of the same…getting through one & onto the next. I think I still am going through that myself. I know I’ve been far more depressed than this before, & coming out of it was like having a fog dissipate excruciatingly slow. That lasted about 15 months. In the process I had a couple of med changes & ended a relationship that I felt was keeping me depressed/anxious. (That man committed suicide 6 months after I ended the relationship.) That was a relationship between my 2nd & 3rd marriages. I always used to joke that I needed a man. I think now they cause me stress that I don’t need! So I’m going to try not to run from one situation to the next! It would be nice to just feel content with my “aloneness” for awhile. I enjoy hearing you say that you are accepting each day & praying for a better tomorrow. I hear “hope” in that sentence.
And you mention Andrew & your relationship with him. My heart goes out to you. My daughter may have seen me spending too much time in bed & sweeping cobwebs from the vaulted ceiling at 3am, but she was too young to have seen anything terribly manic. By '95 she was 18 & visited me in the hospital. She cried at that time because she was old enough to understand, but realized there was nothing she could do for me. I have to admit, until these last 6 yrs, no one actually witnessed a true psychotic episode in me other than my last husband & my current room-mate. I just think my meds aren’t even as important as who I choose to live with. I’m difficult, I know…but I’d just prefer to live alone. I hope to do that, one day.
If I recall correctly, you only have 10 days left before your pdoc appt! That’s a big deal to us! I had waited so long to see my pdoc that by the time I finally did I was very disappointed with the outcome. It was about anxiety & sleep. How I was convinced to go with an anti-psychotic is beyond me! Seems like overkill in retrospect. I still take 1/2 tab each night. I get about 4-6 hours of sleep. You shouldn’t face any problems getting back on lithium since it’s such a common stabilizer. (My wishful thinking for a med change is to stay on the lithium, get rid of the AD Remeron, & add anti-anxiety for sleep.)
I better close for now. I have that letter to rewrite (!) & an email to send Julianna. If you have another good book to read, maybe you can get into that some! I will head to the library soon for books. It’s just a good way to pass time! (With all this “passing time,” I will be an arthritic, gray-haired, old woman before I get to Colorado!)
You are in my thoughts & prayers!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Yes its strange how similar our experiences are re- age of diagnosis and the many experiences we have had. I hope we are similar in both finding the stability and security we now need.
Its bad that your room-mate ‘listens’ in to your phone conversations and I am not suprised if you feel paranoid whilst you are there with him. Also, why did he turn the ringer off on the phone? I would be like you, trying to get out of there fast! It must be a terrible feeling to know that he is invading your privacy. How did you meet him and what led to you living there with him? You don’t have to tell me but I am curious.
I continue to ‘miss’ my past and I suppose until I find a new way of living that feeling will remain. My welfare worker (Lisa) came yesterday and she is going to fill some forms in to get me on some housing association lists and also the council list. She feels I would be more ‘secure’ in that type of housing rather than private. I’m not sure, and know that I have more choice about where I live if I go private. I know private is a lot more expensive and if I paid a lower rent I could use some of my disability for a car and that would help. I could afford a second-hand car if I went private but then you have all the worry of it breaking down. With the Motability schem we have here you can hand over the mobility part of disability and they give you a new car every 3 years. Lisa did talk about one housing association that I know of, and their housing is excellent, but I guess that the waiting list will be very long and I don’t want to wait too long.
I am at a loss what to do for best, and as you know, I am pinning my hopes on lithium being the med to help me regain clarity and stability. I am glad that I make you want to stay on lithium, and I hope you do stay on it because Lori, in my opinion, it is a wonder drug for bipolar.
I don’t know about you but I find it hard to motivate myself to start the day and I believe that is because I don’t do anything useful during the day. Like I said before, the days just come and go and I find it hard to live like this.
I hope that when I get my own place I will be motivated to do things.
Andrew saw all of my manic/psychotic episodes and I feel so bad about that. I had a lovely house and living there with my son’s was wonderful and we had 6 years together there. Andrew, had just moved out, with his girlfriend when I went psychotic and smashed the house up. I did some really strange things and even now I do not remember some of it. I sometimes get ‘flashbacks’ and shudder to think I was so ‘out of my mind’ to do such things. I cannot change the past and to be honest I feel so ashamed of what I did, that I don’t really know how I will get over it.
Its over 4 years since it happened and I still feel so bad about it. I thought by now I would have come to terms with it and now I feel that I maybe never will. I was an homemaker and a mum and that was exactly what I wanted to be. I did not want to be someone who ‘lived on the streets’ and in shelters and I guess the feelings I have around that will take a long time to come to terms with.
I strongly believe that bipolar is genetic and know for sure that my grandad was medically discharged from the army with manic-depressive psychosis. I hope that neither of my son’s suffer with it and so far, so good.
Well! Lori I will close for now and write again tomorrow…take care and I hope the days are not too bad for you. Let me know how your visit to your counselor went.
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I met my room-mate at the hospital in Sept, '06. When I went manic, my husband (ex) changed the locks on the house & got a restraining order on me. I needed someone to pick me up from the hospital, but my ex had changed our home phone number, too. I called Jack because he had already gotten discharged. At 1st I thought the divorce wouldn’t take this long (10 months) & that I may be awarded 1/2 of the equity in the home so that I could use it for another place to stay. Then I had another manic episode last spring & the divorce was postponed once. When the hearing was finally held, my car broke down that day & I didn’t make it. I think that after all that time & hearing only what my ex had to say, the Judge was probably angry at me for delaying the last hearing & then not even showing up for it. I got nothing (furniture or alimony or equity in the house.) I had not paid on many debts during my mania (partially because my temporary alimony had just stopped.) Then I had all of the legal problems (car repair, tickets & late fees, & the manic episode here at my room-mate’s house that landed me in jail for 2 months.) It will have taken me 6 months (March) to pay off all of my traffic fines & pay down my student loan & credit card debt so that they are not late or over limit. So, although I hadn’t planned on staying at this house this long, I’m glad I haven’t been living in my car all this time.
My room-mate is bipolar II, meaning he doesn’t have mania like you or I, but his up-swings are more aggression & irritability. I believe a psychotic depression is what precipitated his hospitalization. He stopped taking his meds about a month after he was discharged & the only good thing about that is that had he continued to take them & drink as much as he does…he could very well have been dead by now (alcohol & meds.) He has invaded my privacy with regards to phone calls, & I think that’s part of his obsession to find out who I speak with & whether or not I talk about him. I feel bad even writing on here about the situation.
Yesterday, when I went to counseling I had left some booklets in the truck when I ran in to pay for my driving class. Today he told me he read at least one of them. It was on boundaries & maintaining a comfortable distance between people. I’m glad he did read that. He said, “I won’t hug you unless you or I need one.” I said, “I believe you should never assume a person needs a hug, but should ask if they’d like one, or express that you would like one.” I’m a little more concerned about the other booklet my Mum sent on domestic violence. I have a feeling he looked through that & since I took it into my counselor’s with me, he must be correctly assuming that I discussed these things with my counselor. He was very stand-offish & kept to himself after that. Although that may bother me a bit, I prefer when he keeps to himself & is quiet. I actually think that he must know I have talked to family & my counselor about how I feel & I think it may have the effect of having him keep his distance (for awhile.)
I was a little upset after I got out of the counseling session because I got information on the shelter, but was told I should access those resources now before it gets to another crisis. I’ll call the shelter directly today, but I’m very confused about it. I don’t want to have them assist me with transitional housing & employment & then get stuck in Georgia due to a lease or something else. I also don’t know, but I think they would take a portion of my soc. sec. as payment & tell me how to budget my expenses. I have it set up now that I will either pay off some bills completely & then go to Colorado (which my Mum suggested I do last night) or I will make minimum payments & save the extra money to leave sooner. The thought of a shelter seems very demeaning to me. My Mum seemed to think that as long as there isn’t any physical violence here, I should stay here until I have some bills paid off. That’s still what I’m thinking of doing.
In 3 weeks I can drive. I wonder if I can pull myself together enough to work here for a couple of months for “getting started” funds. My son & the old boyfriend seem to think I’m wasting time & should just get out to Colorado. I’m very confused. A lot goes into the preparation of a move 2,200 miles away…& I have only decided on one thing for certain: I will try to sell my car before I go or I will give it to my room-mate as re-payment. I know that car won’t make it. I need to start shipping boxes next month, but I will have to have a firm decision of whether I want to move to my son’s or the old boyfriend’s. There are pros & cons to either living situation.
Like you, I have more than one option…& that doesn’t necessarily make it easier. Private housing is probably more to your liking than an association. The mobility scheme of your soc. sec. is quite nice! I can imagine though that you would have difficulty with which housing to choose. I think we can be more motivated if we change our living surroundings. For me…I think about going to the shelter here & then being on a wait list for housing. Seems to me that I may as well just go to Colorado & be placed on a wait-list there.
My counselor says I’m functional on so many levels, but I tend to over-analyze my mental health issues, money situations, & living situations. Well…we’re talking about things that seem overwhelming to me, at least until I dive in to find out if I’ll be okay!
I’m going to paint the dining room here today. It may take a couple of days since I’m going over darker paint. Just things to fill the time.
I’m alright. I don’t feel panicky about things as I did 2 weeks ago. I don’t know about organizing my leaving plans…they seem to change. I should call Julianna tonight & talk to her some more. She emailed me such a nice message: basically, that they had talked over everything, & although my concerns were valid…they really wanted me to come out & live with them. It may help to talk to her on the phone to see about the money logistics.
You’re getting closer to your appt. with your pdoc! I’m still 8 weeks away from my new pdoc appt. My counselor also said changing my meds now wouldn’t be a good thing…& I suppose that dashes my hope of a sleeper, but honestly…I have been getting to sleep earlier & waking less.
It’s about lunch time here & I best find something to eat. I like being able to share things with you, Anne. We don’t judge each other, & by far, we have a greater understanding of this illness & life problems than others probably would. It’s nice to be able to “talk” this way with you!
Take care.
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
I’m glad your room-mate found the leaflets in the car maybe it will make him realize how he makes you feel. It was good that you could talk to him about when an hug is appropriate…although I guess with the way you feel towards him that’s never! Good also if he saw the domestic violence one…domestic violence is not only physical!
I met a guy in the psychiatric unit. when I still had my home. We were really attracted to each other and he had nowhere to stay so he came to my home he was an alcoholic and although he did not turn nasty the drinking was too much. He disappeared one time and did not come back for 2 nights, I found him at a crisis center…he came back to live with me and it ‘fizzled out’ I did have strong feelings for him, but don’t think I met him in the best place…you know what I mean! When I went psychotic and smashed my home up he figured largely in my psychosis even though he was not there. I thought he still was living with me. He had left many of his belongings behind and I was getting them all together for him…crazy because he had left the year before!
I went to my new general doctor yesterday, the surgery is close to where I am living. The last GP’s I was at was mainly for ‘addicts’ and I felt unless you were an addict of some type you did not get very good service. He seems a nice doctor although he is sending me for a chest x-ray because I am an heavy smoker. He also gave me a 14 day supply of my sleeping tablets, needless to say,I doubled up the dose and was out of this world for an extra 10 hours! Not good, I know, but I so want time to pass and I hope when I get on the lithium that will change.
Back in May I could have rented a little house in the area I use to live in,but at that time I did not know if I would still get disability come this October and I dare not take the house because I would not have been able to afford it if I had got turned down for disability.It was just where I wanted to be.I got disability for life this October and I feel sad now that I was not more daring and took the house. It would have been ideal for me and I regret not doing it. My life seems to be an endless story of regrets. I search online for houses to rent and nothing ‘takes my fancy’ and yet I am not happy here and feel I am intruding. My friend does not directly say anything but I sometimes pick up a tone in her voice and I honestly feel that I have outstayed my welcome. I am very sensitive to tones in voices, my mum learnt me that.
Ben and Emma have been poorly with a sickness bug which seems to be sweeping through the UK and I have not been to see them this week, so I have missed them I may go tomorrow night it they feel better.
Have you heard off Julianna yet? Is it still your plan to go there until you get settled? or to your ex-boyfriend? Honestly, Lori I would do whatever will get you out quicker,if that is going to your ex’s then do that. In your position if I had an ex saying I could stay there I would go…then from that base try and work out what you want to do. I don’t know about you but after all I have been through I will do whatever is ‘needed’ to not end up back on the streets. I am still scared of ending up back on the streets or in an hostel, because at the moment I cannot see anywhere I really want to live. I know I am being impatient again.
I have the finances to rent somewhere nice, but nothing seems to be coming up and like I said earlier I think I have ‘outstayed’ my welcome here at my friends, My friend got very upset when her mental health worker came a few weeks ago and her mental health worker asked my friend if she still wanted me to stay here…my friend told me this later. I asked my friend how she felt about me being here and she said ‘I promised when you came here I would never ask you to leave’. It is not like having a fun time with two female friends living together and loving it. I am here because I am so depressed and I feel lost now. I pray for the strength to find an home and be content living in it.
Well Lori I’ll close for now. Don’t forget look after number 1 and do whatever makes you feel less anxious. Maybe the guy back in Colorado is the ‘stepping stone’ you need. I have been thinking about you today and I know what I would do, but its up to you!
Take care
love
Annex
Hi Anne,
I started writing to you yesterday, but being a weekend…I had the room-mate hovering & he always wants to “talk” on the weekends. It is really just him picking nasty little fights over nothing. It all really wears me down. He also went ballistic on me in the parking lot of a store where we had gotten groceries. Got mad that I replied, “yes…that’s what I want” when he said, “lite salad dressing?” He makes fun of anything I say & if my tone is short…it’s because I don’t want to elaborate & give him more to argue about. He cursed at me in the parking lot & right away it was back to the same old…everything is my fault & I’m rude or mean. When we got home I got on the computer & looked up airline tickets to Colorado. I found one for Feb 10th & when I talk to my son he said to go ahead & get it & we could worry about the other things later. My old boyfriend said I should wait a week & see how I feel because he doesn’t want me to regret leaving the car & computer (& many other things) behind. Jack (the room-mate vacillates between telling me I have to leave & saying the same thing…wait before you leap. I still haven’t determined whether I want to live with the old boyfriend or my son & Julianna. Yes, I heard again from Julianna, & both she & Cache are welcoming me back & want to see me get out of where I am. Now Julianna quit smoking & Cache doesn’t smoke. My old boyfriend smokes (but does so next to a fan & open window in his home.) 'm not ready to quit yet…& that is a factor in my decision, too. I’ve adjusted to smoking outside here, but it’s not as cold as in Colorado…& it’s a very remote neighborhood where I can go out in my pj’s 1st thing in the morning with my coffee & smokes. I suppose all of this would be insignificant to most people…but since you are a smoker as well…I feel you’ll understand!
I guess the booklets the room-mate read were good for keeping his unwanted hugs & such away…but the indignity of cursing & yelling at me in a public place yesterday tells me nothing has changed with his outbursts or anger. It can be very scary. He also said I should work on finding a place to live NOW, which again is his way of confusing me as I still have 2 weeks before I take my driving class, & 2 1/2 weeks before I get my last ticket paid & the driver’s license back (my ID basically, & I have a last name change since my divorce.) I had wanted to run an ad in the newspaper to try selling my car & computer, thinking that would pay for my plane ticket & help me pay off at least one more debt. Monday is a holiday here, but I can run an add in the paper on Tuesday. That doesn’t give me much time to sell anything…but the room-mate said he’d send me the money & at this point I just want to get gone. It’s a very sick man I’m dealing with…& as you said about your ex, he played a part in your psychosis. If I look back to my mania last year…I know the room-mate played a big part in mine, too. I can only do so much with my own illness. I take my meds & mind my own business. But I believe I am in a bad place to really heal or get on with my life. It’s too confusing to be here & all I ever feel is insecure & very unsafe.
I haven’t ordered the plane ticket yet because I’m not sure about so many things. Either place in Colorado would be “safe” for me compared to what I now endure. I guess I’d like to be in the North part of the state where I have family & I think Julianna could get me in touch with her doctor so I wouldn’t have an interruption in treatment/meds. (I’m not going to stay here until after my other Pdoc appt. on 3/7, I’ll just have to ask my current doctor to give me a 3 month prescription so I have time to find another doctor & get my medicare insurance transferred to another state.)
I’m glad you got into a GP & got a few nights of good, uninterrupted sleep! I had pneumonia 4 years ago & had a chest X-ray taken. It showed a dark mass on one side. I had to have another one taken a year later, & it had gone away. I’ve been smoking for 38 yrs though, & I know I should just stop. Perhaps a different environment would help me with that.
I, too, feel I’ve overstayed my welcome in this house. I really thought things would work out differently in my divorce. I hope you’re able to find an home as you found before. Perhaps it was too soon to make that decision last yr. I would go to the shelter here if I felt it was becoming physical abuse. I just don’t want to go to an unfamiliar place & feel I’m “stuck” there. As I push myself to make a decision about when I will leave, I get terribly confused. I have yet to get the plane ticket. I think I should speak with my parents before I do this. I suppose I can leave everything here & just start shipping boxes of clothes when I have the money next next month. Snap decisions aren’t always the best…so don’t feel too bad for not taking the home last yr. The hardships we’re going through now are temporary. I have to remind myself of that just to get through a day. The soonest I could leave here would be in 3 weeks. That’s really pushing things, & I’m feeling better about the 4 week time because I will have more loose ends taken care of by then.
I hope you find a house soon & get those meds squared away. I know you feel as though they are tied together. In the meantime, stay strong.
Love,
Lori