Hi Anne,
I’ll be brief today because the room-mate complained of being “sick” again & stayed home from work. Said he’s taking the next 2 days off (2 days off beer would be better than 2 days off work!) I just wanted to ask…you said you were thinking of me & you knew what you would do in my position. Well…what would you do? Old boyfriend or son?! I plan on leaving Feb 17th or Feb 24th. Will wait to have some counseling, get extra meds, have a mammogram (haven’t done that in 2 yrs!), & get the legalities of my driving license & record cleaned up. Hope to sell my car, computer, & some misc. housewares & clothes at a flea market type place next weekend. Hopefully I’ll earn enough to pay for my plane ticket & have a little extra. I’ll fly into the same airport no matter who I choose to live with. I’d just like to be able to make up my mind before I ship boxes of clothes in a couple of weeks. Seriously Anne, what would you do? I value your opinion. Either place makes me anxious in one way or another, but either place would be considered “safe” as compared to where I am now!
Let me know, okay? I think of you every day. I wish I had a web cam so we could see each other. Perhaps one day!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
If it was me I’d move in with the old boyfriend, because I can ‘pick up’ on your ‘need’ to get out of the situation you are in ‘fast’. I know Cache and Julanna only have a one-bedroom flat and it would be a big step for them to rent a two-bedroom, in terms of finances.Plus, you would not at first be in a financial position to help them get a two-bedroom. I don’t know anything about your ex-boyfriend other than he does not drink, but I am sure you know enough about him to know if you would be ‘safe’ there. You would not be in a worse situation because you would be near Cache and Julianna and if things went wrong they would be there with support. Are you using him to get out of a bad situation? well yes, but we all use people for a variety of reaons and he has offered you support and knows the situation. Will he want you to be involved with him in a ‘romantic’ way? well yes, I guess that would be the ‘price to pay’. Only you know how you feel about him and if you could be involved with him in a ‘full’ relationship. If it was me I would move in with him, but save up, for if things did not work out, also get your name on the low-cost housing you have talked about. You will be in Colorado where you want to be and you can access support there from the various agencies. I do not know what you really want to do and of course you should go with your ‘gut instinct’ and not mine.
I just worry a little if you move in to a one-bedroom flat with Cache and Julianna it may be a bit too much to cope with and at least this way if things did not work out with the ex-boyfriend you could help them get a two-bedroom place so you could move in with them. Either way you decide I think the main objective is you get to Colorado and begin to put the pieces back together there.
Let me know what you feel about my reply and what your thoughts are on the matter.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I was really happy to see what you wrote, because it was very similar to how I have been feeling. I realize too that I will be able to save my limited funds while at the old boyfriend’s & that would make an immediate search for full time work less urgent. He claims that he wants to see me stick to meds & be happy, but he also feels a PT job would be alot less stressful right away.
Cache & Julianna are offering me their support, but I’ve already mentioned I may start shipping boxes of clothes to the old boyfriend’s house because he has so much more room & I don’t want to cramp them. I know if that situation became problematic I could always seek Cache & Julianna’s assistance later. And I could try to get on a wait list for housing closer to them, possibly. It is just a better place for me to be than where I am now. He doesn’t drink & is a very calm man. The relationship part is already there in the form of a 13 yr old friendship. I will never feel threatened while I live with him, but in all honesty I don’t think I’ll ever be “in love” with him, either.
I can always move on if I’m unhappy or he is, & we’d be able to part as friends, I’m sure. That makes the most sense to me, too. He is closest to the airport as well…& my flight will arrive late at night, so it will be easiest for him to pick me up. My heart tells me I would put pressure on myself for living with Cache & Jul & an inability to “help out” with bills. As you said…I won’t feel the need to get a job right away, & yet I can save money if we do decide to go for the 2-bedroom flat. I feel a little disloyal if I think of telling Julianna I’ve decided to move in with the old boyfriend. She has been so thoughtful, gracious, & offers genuine concern over my current living dilemma. I’ve spoken to her (woman-to-woman) about the apprehensions I have about having another relationship right now, especially with this man (his history is bad, but he’s very kind & loving & has really changed his lifestyle.) I’ve talked to cache & he says what you have, “if you try it & it doesn’t work…you can always come & live with us later.” That’s true.
Now I have to find a way of letting my parents know & they REALLY don’t want to see me in another relationship right now! I think I’ll just head for the old boyfriend’s. He’s even said he’d put a bed & some chairs & a desk in one of his many spare bedrooms so I could work on my computer (if I bring it) or as a reading room, or even if I needed to sleep in another room once-in-awhile (hey…he knows I’ve got a lot to work out emotionally!) So, I don’t see him being a tyrant or making me feel bad that he’s paying all the bills (they’re his, basically, & he sees it that way.
As for when I’ll leave? I’d sure like to sell the car, computer, & those large items I won’t be able to take…but I can’t run the flea market sale 'till next weekend, & since I have to go down to the newspaper bldg to actually put an ad in…I won’t be in that area 'till next week when I have the counseling & pdoc appt. That only leaves a couple of weeks. Still…the sooner, the better. (The room-mate has taken this ENTIRE week off from work because he says he’s very sick. It gets harder each day to stay here.) I hope to order the ticket on 2/5 (for a departure on 2/17.) that’s under 4 weeks away, but it feels like an eternity.
Thanks for believing in me, Anne. I suppose it doesn’t surprise me that your advice (or what you said you’d do under similar circumstances) is so clearly what my mind is telling me to do, too. Thank you. I also have had 2 doctors in that area of Colorado that I saw. They were very good docs & I respected how they treated me. One is a very expensive private doc who I could probably get in to see right away (he knows how “crazy” I was & he saw me in the hospital when I had to leave law school.) The other works for a county clinic & if he’s still there, I could use my ex-brother-in-law’s address as my own (since you have to reside in that specific county to see the pdoc.) And even if I had to travel 60 miles up to see Julianna’s doc it could be done. Not only will who I live with be better…but I’ll have access to a larger group of psychiatrists. (The hospitals there are worse than here…so I will definitely stay on meds!)
I also respect your opinion, because you have an adult son, too. I try to envision Ben & Emma…& I get the impression they are like Cache & Jul! I know you are close & I suppose if you needed a place to stay they’d offer you stay with them. It’s BECAUSE I love them that I don’t want to let anything interfere with our bond. Living in close quarters isn’t easy, & I’ve had to weather in-laws who stayed in my home for a week or so. That was quite long enough!
I hope Ben & Emma are feeling better now. They had winter colds last time you wrote. I guess if they are on the mend you will be spending more time with them? I will enjoy being only an hour’s drive from Cache & Julianna.
I best close here. Thanks for your words of wisdom! Maybe it’s just that we think so much alike…but I believe those common threads are the foundation of our friendship.
Take care,
Love Lori
P.S. Do you see your pdoc soon?! I thought it was this week? Let me know…I’m praying you’ll get back on the lithium.
Hi Lori
I have been receiving emails from you addressed to other people ( one of whom is Anne) almost every day. Can you please check on this? Robsmom
Hi Robsmom,
To my knowledge, when I signed up for careplace I used my personal email address to sign up & in each time. Whenever there has been a post added to the BP section of this site, I have been “alerted” on my personal acct. as well. No matter who writes in the BP forum, or who it is addressed to, those emails are just to notify you of new posts. If it presents a problem or you feel overwhelmed by the alerts, you can probably contact Careplace so as to remove the alerts altogether. Let me know if this works!
I hope all is well for you & your family at this time! Your photo shows me a loving, gentle woman who loves her family!
Lori
Hi Lori,
Everything you outlined for going back to the old boyfriend was very similar to my thinking. I am so pleased you are going to do it, and I am sure you will feel much better back in Colarado. It is good that there are some good pdocs there also! My appointment with the pdoc is tomorrow at 4pm, so fingers crossed, and I will be back on lithium.
Ben and Emma are well again and I went to see them last night and had a meal with them, which was nice. Cache and Julianna do sound like them and like I said before I am so pleased that Ben is with Emma.
Andrew, my other son, just called me and was very loving and told me he is still very annoyed with the mental health services here for not ‘picking up’ that I was psychotic…which then resulted in me losing my home. He thinks I should ‘sue them’ I think it is too late, but will see.
I took Peanut for his first walk today and he was dancing around and seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself, we will be going for a walk daily from now on. I need the exercise!
I managed to get in touch with a free legal service on the phone today and they have advised that I write to the landlord I paid the money to and request my money back. If they do not answer or refuse I have to write again and tell him I will be taking legal action. So I need to write that letter and hope that I get a favourable reply.
Well! Lori I will close for now I am very tired and I am going to have a sleep. I’ll write soon.
take care
love
Annex
Dear Anne,
I’m pleased to hear that Ben & Emma are feeling better! I have come to rely on my son & Julianna for so much emotional support & I know that your children are a similar source of assistance. I was really happy to hear that Andrew is becoming more emotionally supportive for you, too. His anger towards the system, rather than on you personally makes it clear that he isn’t blaming you for your last episode.
After my divorce was finalized, my pdoc said she’d sign any letter I wanted to submit to the court regarding a modification of orders so that I would be able to receive alimony or perhaps even a portion of the equity in the house. That entire process took so much out of me & I felt that submitting anything after the fact wouldn’t do much except drain me further (emotionally.) I had asked my previous pdoc if she would go to court with me & validate that my illness entitles me to at least temporary support, but she “declined.” Sometimes I think that trying to sue for an injustice that was caused us creates more problems than it’s worth. However, as far as writing a letter to retrieve your previous deposit on an home is concerned…I think that is a wonderful idea & won’t put too much of a strain on you (so long as you don’t have too great of expectations for the outcome.) I lost my deposit when I had an apt. once & gave notice to move. There wasn’t much I could do beyond writing a letter, but I did try that. It didn’t work & I feel much more cautious going into a rental agreement now.
I have all of my fingers crossed for your appointment with the pdoc tomorrow! I’ll keep you in my prayers, too. I look forward to a move where the doctors are more in tuned with each individual patient, as opposed to the overtaxed clinical setting here!
The room-mate has taken this full week off again & drinking excessively. He’s been vomiting & doesn’t eat…so he’s thinner than I am. You can’t imagine how torturous it is to watch him do this to himself. I’m still planning on leaving in a few weeks…but everyday feels exceedingly long & arduous.
My only hesitance in going to the old boyfriend’s is that I wonder if my parents & my son will think less of me. I also wonder if I’ll think less of myself (as if I’m taking the easy way out instead of trying to move directly in with family.) I know I won’t feel “creepy” as I do here because I see psychosis in my room-mate. I’ve never witnessed that in the old boyfriend.
I better keep this short because the room-mate just drove off (probably to get more beer) & he’s likely to become perturbed if I’m on the computer.
Good luck tomorrow, Anne! Please tell me how it goes!
Love,
Lori
Hi, all. I have been kind of following this thread since it seems to be the only active one for bipolar.
Robsmom- to not receive alerts, you need to go into your account settings and click on the “Change my email notifications” link so as not to receive the alerts.
Lori and Anne- I was just diagnosed with mild type II bipolar with slow cycling. I typically get a hypomanic phase every two to four weeks. I won’t be able to sleep for three to four days and then I “crash” and will sleep 10 to 12 hours. I also have problems with irritation especially manifesting as road rage. I just started seeing a psychiatrist and she has started me on the lowest dose of Lamictal for two weeks and then to increase to 50 mgs at that time. Concurrently, she is lowering my Cymbalta and eventually I will wean off of it. My primary had prescribed it for chronic pain and depression. If I am still having problems sleeping, the psychiatrist said that she will most likely prescribe Seroquel. She thought about using Depakote, but since I have pancreatitis and am on several other meds, she felt that this might overload my liver.
What is somewhat ironic is that my first wife was classic bipolar I- complete with psychotic breaks and hospitalizations. As is somewhat common, she quit taking her meds and committed suicide. Because of my past experience with this illness, I will definitely be compliant with my medicine. I know that if left untreated, bipolar tends to worsen over time. Well, I just thought that I would introduce myself. Have a good day!
Peace,
Warren
Hi Warren,
Pleased to meet you. Yes, keep taking the meds no matter what…it is so sad about your first wife. I must admit that I get quite scared that I will get further down and suicide will become my only option. I just want to get back on the lithium and hope that, that will help me regain ‘balance’ again.
It does seem that Lori and I are the only ones active on here and thats a shame because there are very good ppl on here that have given me support. Please feel free to ‘join in’ anytime you wish. Guess the one ‘good thing’ about Lori and my posts is it shows the need for ppl to be med compliant, because whats happened to us could happen to others.
take care
Anne
Hi Lori,
I am pleased Andrew rang me and yes, he is mad at the system, and feels they ‘let me down’. I don’t think I will try to take any action against the mental health service…I cannot stand the stress of that, but Andrew is young and well and thinks there is nothing to it…lol.
I understand your feelings about your parents or son thinking less of you if you move in with your old boyfriend, but it is your life Lori, and I think it is a ‘stepping stone’ you need back to Colorado. Does that sound harsh? I don’t care, I think you have to do what you can, when you can. You could move in with Cache and Julianna, but how will you manage in a one bed apartment? If you have to wait for them to get a 2-bed how long will it take? and how much will it cost? Don’t think any less of yourself for moving in with the old boyfriend, it is not ‘taking the easy way out’ it is a move for your peace of mind and safety, and it is your choice.
I would do it, to be honest Lori, I would do ‘anything’ to ‘get back’ to normality.
Will write later when I get back from the pdocs!
take care
love
Annex
Hello Warren,
I join Anne in welcoming you to Careplace. I took the time to read your story, & I can really appreciate the heartache & pain you must have felt losing your 1st wife. I had a fiance who committed suicide & I have to watch my own moods around the anniversary of his death. I don’t think he was bipolar, but very depressed & didn’t stick with meds long. I guess all I can say is that somehow we have to learn to take care of our own health (including mental health) because we’ve either had loved ones who took their own lives, or we’ve had those dark times ourselves…thinking about ending it all.
I also feel for your physical pain. I’ve never suffered anything as extreme as you have, but my mental problems may as well be physical because they can keep me from feeling happy & productive.
I’d like to switch from lithium to lamictal & get off of my anti-depressant (remeron) but until I move & finad another doctor…as Anne knows…I’m sticking to my lithium & remeron…for fear of the alternative!
Feel free at anytime to make comments! We are all here for mutual support & it can be a comfort. Sometimes it’s the distant friends I’ve made here that seem more real than people in closer proximity to me!
Take care & good luck to you!
Lori
Thank you both for your comments! 
You are very kind. I did make friends with another person who is bipolar, bedhead. After my primary decided that I needed to see a psychiatrist, I emailed bedhead and asked her a bunch of questions. She is also type II. You two have it quite hard. I know from observing first-hand: the paranoia, fear, etc… Well, anyway, thank you once again for the welcome!
Hi Anne,
I hope you have made it back from your pdoc appt. & have happily started on lithium? Go slow…Rome wasn’t built in a day, & I think we are all just works in progress!
I forgot to tell you how nice it was to hear you had taken Peanut for a walk! I’m sure he just loved you for that! My son & Jul have a puppy, too & he rides with cache to throughout his deliveries during the day!
I continue to wait out each day & just pray for the weeks to pass uneventfully. I packed up my computer last week but have brought it back in so I can move my files onto a disc & save it. That way I may be able to sell the computer. I have so few things here, that I really couldn’t have started out on my own from here. It’s very freeing to think I may be able to sell the things & start fresh!
I can’t really spend too much time on the computer these days. The room-mate is taking the entire week off & he often talks or curses or sings to himself (when he’s not vomiting!) Now Warren…just so you know…a bipolar II person who doesn’t take meds & self-medicates with alcohol exhibits far more signs of psychosis than a medicated BP I person!
I don’t often have outright paranoia…I have overwhelming anxiety though. And I guess I’ve had panic situations before, too…but on the average, I feel quite normal. Mostly just social anxiety/employment anxiety/ financial things. That’s enough for my brain to have to deal with!
Anne, it’s been raining here for a couple of days. Help me out, okay?! Pray for clear skies this weekend so I can sell my “junk!”
I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
The psychiatrist is faxing my GP to prescribe lithium this morning, not sure if I have to have a blood test first or not? It is 10 years since I last started on it and I was hospitalised at that time. MY ‘wonderful’(not) CPN did not even ‘turn up’ for the appointment, and neither did my medical notes, so I was scared the psychiatrist would not prescribe it. I had to go over all my history and of course I was in tears, but I am going back on lithium at last! I know it will take awhile to get to the theraputic level and I will have to have regular blood tests, but it is so worth it.
Will write more when I get back from my GP appointment.
take care
love
Annex
Hi Anne!
I don’t know why every time I start writing here there’s a glitch & it freezes the message board along with what I type! Just kind of quirky! I’m thrilled for you, Anne! I know how bad you wanted this! When I went off the lithium to substitute Tpamax, I just didn’t “feel right” & after 2 weeks I started back on the lithium.
At which point I had diarrhea for a day & pretty much had to stick to staying close to a bathroom! But any side effects you may experience for awhile in the beginning go away. Just be prepared that your body may take some time to adjust. The biggest complaint I have is that I have to urinate so often I wonder if I’ll be able to hold a job! But I’m better off not thinking about it right now. I still have hopes for trying lamictal as a stabilizer (Julianna is on that & she’s had good results. Plus from what I hear…it’s better for depression than lithium.) Until I get in to another doctor though…I’m sticking with what I’m on. Without the AD I don’t think I’d sleep much now. Without the lithium…well…I just don’t know. It’s a band-aid for me & as long as it helps me cope with my current situation…I would dread going off of it without someone to help me in that process (a good doc who’s a good listener & can tell the difference between withdrawal symptoms of the drug & actual symptoms of the illness.)
I want to get up & dance for you! 10 years is a long time to wait for something that has helped you in the past. So my friend…it is a new beginning & you’ve turned a page in your life! Good luck & know that my prayers are with you!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Whenever I write on here my screen freezes and then this message box appears lower down the screen…not sure if it is the same thing that happens to you?
Well, I am back on the lithium starting off at 400mg until I get to that theraputic level. I still feel very down and hope that the lithium and AD’s will work in combo to make me feel better. I find it all very hard to explain but I do not feel I have a ‘purpose’ in life…guess I am just depressed and think too much. Spent today in bed. I took two of my Zyprexa and slept, just woke up. When I wake up I always feel worse and I think that is because ‘my reality’ is not too good!.
I hope you get this message Lori, not sure if you have ‘packed away’ or sold your computer at the sale. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
love
Annex
Robsmum,
To stop recieving E-mails:- click on Account & Privacy to the left of this message…then click on Change your E-mail Notification…scroll down to Group Forum Subscription…then click NONE next to Bipolar.
take care
Anne
Dear Anne,
Yes…that’s exactly what the computer does to me as I type! It freezes & then shifts the typing area much lower on the page. Strange!
I have already packed up my computer & plan on selling all of the accessories (keyboard, monitor, mouse, speakers, & printer) although I think I’ll try to keep my hard drive. The old boyfriend has the accessories that can be used with my computer & it will give me a source of entertainment apart from his (since his is primarily for business.)
I didn’t get to sell my things in that “parking lot” sale this weekend. Saturday it was too cold & rainy. Yesterday was quite nice, but since the room-mate was off all week (& sounds as though he’s got pneumonia) I didn’t want to impose on him to load my things in his truck & take me down there. (I didn’t take my lithium for 2 days, thinking I wouldn’t be able to just walk away from my things & run into the store to pee every 5 minutes!) Today, I got up actually wanting to take it! I guess the benedryl I take to help me sleep makes me have to urinate just as bad. I don’t really know anymore! I see my counselor tomorrow. The last time we spoke she didn’t think the pdoc would change my prescriptions at all right now. They both seemed angry that I only took the Topamax & Trazadone for 2 weeks before I was begging to go back to the lithium & remeron. I was told that wasn’t long enough to know if the meds would work! That upsets me! I had such terrible side effects after 2 weeks my body was telling me “Get that Lithium back on board!”
On Wednesday I see the Pdoc again. I called in a request to have her give me 3 months worth of scripts because I am leaving next month. That was just a message…& I expect I’ll have to ask her that in person. I’m back to thinking I should stay even longer again. Mostly because if I’m able to sell my belongings & car first, I’ll have at least a little extra cash to leave with.
Julianna emailed me yesterday. I just read it today & decided to call there. They have done some very good research into what a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom flat would cost. I think if I wait a little longer I could help them a bit. I know it’s not the old boyfriend…& yes, I’m back to feeling undecided about that. I call him daily just to chat…but I still feel torn. I think I’ll feel more comfortable with him…but I think I would probably be more apt to want to work & perhaps go back to school if I live with my son & his girlfriend.
Then I think about the car problem! If I sell the one I have to be wise in what I do with the money. I can give it to my son & his girlfriend for the cost of a deposit & rent on a larger flat, or I can pay off 2 credit cards…freeing up my limited disability income, or I can save it & try to get another car (very cheap.) I still think about driving it the 2,200 miles to get there. If it would make it…I wouldn’t have to worry about the 6-8 boxes of things I still want to take, my suitcases of clothing, an oriental rug, & the computer. I’d spend more on gas, food & hotels (it’s about a 3 or 4 day trip,) but I’d save on the expense & hassle of shipping things. I have driven (other than test-driving) since last July. That has left me feeling more trapped. It would be nice to already have a car when I got there. I suppose I should just make up my mind & then stick to a plan. I listed the car & other things on a website advertisement today. The ad was free, but it was for a larger city that’s an hour & a half away! I guess it won’t hurt. Tomorrow I’d like to get to the newspaper to place an ad in there, too. If I sell anything, I can start shipping boxes. If I sell the car, I’ll put a rush into my plans so I can fly out there quickly. I’m more concerned that I won’t sell the car. Worry! I do too much of it!
The roommate went back to work today & I was happy (for him as well as myself!) He has lost so much weight (his diet is not much more than soup & beer now.) I can see his bones when he walks & his spine sticks out. He has an eating disorder to go with the alcoholism, & when I look at him I thank God that I’m on the pudgy side! It’s sad & scary…but I feel helpless since he doesn’t seem to want to take care of himself (& I noticed his weight loss & getting sick has progressed just since I started making definite plans to move out.) As I’ve always said…it won’t matter which place of residence I choose after leaving here. Either of them are healthier for me. I have to surround myself with people who are striving to be healthy.
I have been going to bed about 10 each night & I wake up so frequently to use the bathroom. I end up staying in bed until 9 or 10 most mornings, though. I just want to kill time, too. I don’t have any zyprexa to knock me out, & I still hope I can get an anti-anxiety added on Wednesday. I just don’t feel comfortable taking Resperidone as a sleep aid. (Seems a bit much, & I don’t really have mania or agitation. My biggest problems are anxiety, insomnia, & depression (in that order!) Maybe if I explain it to the Pdoc that way, she’ll help me by prescribing the anti-anxiety. It would help.
I only take 300mg of Lithium right now. My pdoc said I could drop from 900 mg to 600 mg to see if it would help me lose weight. It didn’t. I’m sticking with the 300 mg right now because it feels acceptable to my body. The AD is what’s made me add weight I think, but the Lithium seems to augment the AD so that I actually get an anti-depressant effect. I seem to have no tremors at the low dose. Maybe it’s not therapeutic level, but it beats getting toxic! It’s all just “hanging on” at the moment until I can get into a pdoc I feel more comfortable with (either a previous one who knows my history or Julianna’s.)
Please don’t get too down that you feel you don’t have a purpose right now. I feel that way, too most of the time. I think too much, just like you…but rather than it depressing me…I think it just makes me feel a bit scared. I get panicky about what I would wear to work, how I would get there, would I look as anxious & panicky as I feel? I must agonize over that daily! I think I’d rather live where my son is than in the suburbs of Denver (where the old boyfriend is) because I don’t have the history of episodes there, & I would never run into my ex-in-laws there. It would be more of a fresh slate. I worry about how my past will affect my future! It’s all just pointless…but I’m only human! I just want to make the best decisions I can right now since they may affect me greatly later on, but I find I end up procrastinating because I don’t feel there is room for a mistake anymore. (That’s probably how you felt when trying to rent an home & then backed out of it.) I over analyze everything.
I know the med adjustment you just went through will take sometime 'till you feel the benefits. I want to put as little pressure on myself as possible to get a PT job. From there I’d like to go back to school so I can obtain a FT, professional job. It will be a very slow process. I’m getting older, so these things don’t come as easy as they did before. Unless I have hopes of employment or furthering my education…there isn’t an AD around that will help lift my spirits. Just keep in your mind what goals you want to strive for. Do them one at a time. We’re pretty much in sync! We want to get our meds straightened out & have a bit of stability. We want to move out of our current living situation. That may be as far as we have to really think about right now. That’s plenty to think about, don’t you agree?! Take each day as it comes (& if you’re fortunate to be able to sleep…go for it!)
It’s 9pm now & I’m yawning. I may go to bed early. I look forward to you telling me in a week or so that you’re noticing some positive things from the lithium. That’s my hope for you. As for me? I hope to be able to tell you next week that I’m done with the driving class, I’ve paid my last fine, got my driver’s license re-instated, & am busy getting to my appointments & shipping boxes “home.”
Sleep well my friend. You’re in my prayers.
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
I understand your ‘confusion’ on what to do for best. It is a big move you are making and its natural after all you have been through that you are going to be very anxious about it and also very confused. I hear what you are saying about not making a mistake and understand that also, although
there is always room for a mistake. We are like you say only human and can only make decisions based on what is available and how we feel. I am like you and overanalyse everything and I mean everything, When I was going to rent the house I ‘focused’ on how small the livng room was and kept thinking can I live in a room that size? and also on the fact that my meds were not right and I kept thinking, maybe when my meds are right, I will find an house that is more like my old home. So I backed out, and still wonder if I did the right thing! Although I have had some pretty ‘bad times’ since and had I lived there I don’t know how I would have coped!
Do you really want to go and live with Cache and Julianna?They do seem to have done their ‘homework’ regarding a two-bed apartment. You say about the suburbs of Denver, do you have a history of episodes there? I also understand that, because I would love to live back in Hessle the small town where I had the home I destroyed. I think about living there and think about ‘bumping’ into some of my old neighbours and it fills me with dread. So I do understand about your apprehension of running into your ex in-laws. I also worry about how my past will affect my future, but it is already doing that, because I would love to live in Hessle, and the only thing stopping me really trying for it is my past. I get times when I think ‘I was ill, I have a serious brain disorder and ppl should not ‘blame’ me for that’ but of course people do not understand that and just think I’m crazy!
It sounds like you are worrying about everything at the same time where to live, shipping your belongings, selling your car, your ex in-laws and just everything. Be careful Lori, I don’t want you to go manic or psychotic and all the stress you are under could be a ‘trigger’. Take more time if that is needed, stay there a little longer, don’t give yourself rigid deadlines. Make sure you take your meds and try to take the theraputic dose of lithium.
I am concerned about you and wish I could help you to come to a decision that would take the pressure off you.
I have with my welfare worker put in applications to some housing associations, although I do not hold out much hope of anything coming of them. One of them has some lovely apartments in Hessle, where I use to live, but I think the waiting list will be too long.
I continue to take my lithium and hope that I will feel more stable soon, not sure how long it will take, and hope it is not long.
I am trying to live one day at a time sometimes one hour at a time.
I am thinking about you Lori and hope that you can come to a conclusion about what to do that is right for you.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I saw my pdoc yesterday & she refused to give me an anti-anxiety or something to help me sleep. She was also upset that I hadn’t been taking the Resperidol each night. Then she was back at wanting to prescribe Stelazine & I just had to refuse. That has made a zombie out of me before & combined with lithium it made my feet swell up so bad i couldn’t even put on a pair of tennis shoes, unlaced. What I walked away with was the lowered dose of lithium (600mg) & an increase from 15 mg to 30 mg in the AD (Remeron.) No more benedryl. I did that last night & it actually made me less able to sleep. I’m very frustrated. I have already called an old doctor i had in Colorado & the office said I’d have to come in again to complete an intake, but I should have 30 days supply of my meds before i leave. (The pdoc here said I would just have to call my therapist when I am close to leaving…have a plane ticket or whatever.) I’m not rushing matters here because I’m just too uncertain. I placed ads for my car & have received 1 call on it, but I should wait some & see if the ads help me sell it. I don’t want to rush into anything at this point.
In 2 days I will complete that driving course & then by next Tuesday I’ll have my license in hand. The following day I will get a new social security card (with my previous last name on it) & go to the tag office to get a replacement title for my car. That sums up all of the driving restrictions & I know that I’ll feel better somewhat.
After that I have a mammogram & an annual exam at the Gyn office. I may even stay through March 7th so I can see my old pdoc. I’m just not going to rush things at all…but as far as my move goes, if I don’t sell the car…I may truly try driving it. Cache has said he’d come & get me if anything happens. I still like the thought of having a car with me as soon as I get to Colorado because I think that has made me feel more trapped than anything & I’d be able to take most of what I want to take & not have to ship it.
If I sell it, I may just pay off 1 credit card & save the rest to buy Jul’s parents’ old car. That’s okay, too…but I’ll have to ship my things & put the plane ticket on a credit card. Still doable. And I’m thinking I’d like to start out at the old boyfriends. He’s closer to my doctor & I’d be able to continue to pay things off or save to move up north with Cache & Jul.
I was on my therapeutic dose of lithium last fall…but that’s when I had my worst sleep problems & the room-mate’s vacation from work, constant drinking, & really bad moods made me think I was losing it & going over the edge. I would shake so bad from the lithium & sometimes vomited or had diarrhea. At that point I went down to 300 mg a day & at least for January I have been doing better with sleep because I go to bed around the same time every night & have taken a lot of benedryl. What I liked about that was that the constant urination seemed to be at least a little bit better. Now I’m back up to 600 mg & I’m not shaky, but the urination problem is just as bad. That, more than anything, is what I think keeps me from sleeping well. I still have a few weeks worth of the AP if I start having truly bad nights again, but I think the living situation is what has me full of anxiety. (And the counselor even made a point of saying I should go to the shelter NOW. What part of, "I’m hanging on until I can move back “home” doesn’t she get? If I go to the shelter I’m in another scary place where I know no one & would feel locked into the system. Thanks, but I think I’ll hang on until I can see my other pdoc & then leave. The goal for me is to replace the lithium with Neurontin, like BIP is on. Whatever happens, I have enough lithium to get me through until I can see that happen, & I won’t stop taking it.)
I analyze way too much, but I don’t think it’s wrong that we’d be nervous or feel intimidated about running into ppl who knew us when we had problems. Yes, I had more episodes around the Denver area, where the old boyfriend lives, then any where else. This time of year is so hard for me, & it’s much colder in Colorado. I think that was always a detriment for me & I had much more depression than mania. It’s also a very large city & somehow that makes me nervous, too. But the old boyfriend is calm & kind & I think I would enjoy cooking with him & trying to get healthy again with diet (that plays a big part in my moods. No one should live on bologna sandwiches & tv dinners like I have for over a year now.)
But I’m open to letting that situation “unfold.” I still prefer the thought of living in the north part of the state around Cache, Jul, & the in-laws from that marriage (Cache’s sisters & aunt…my ex-sister-in-law.) I have one close girlfriend around there who is living with her son & his family. None of these ppl are judgmental & I’d like to restore old friendships there. I have a feeling cache would help me get a job fairly soon, too. That would take some of the “terror” of having to find employment out of the picture! So for now, I think only that I’ve decided to start out with the old boyfriend & get into my old doctor. Maybe by late spring I’ll be ready to move north to Cache’s. That’s just how I’m seeing it for now. It’s the choice that seems to make the most sense & will cause the least amount of disruption for Cache & Julianna, too (give them time to get into the larger apartment…hopefully with some funds from me.) From there? I’d like to get off welfare. That’s a huge goal for me at this point…but that’s what I’d like to do. I feel so much of my anxiety is based on the stigmatizing of mental illness that seems to be in the forefront of everyone’s mind. It’s affected my sense of self-esteem & it’s not too late to try to work on that. As long as I sit around waiting for something to happen…I’ll just be bored, frustrated, lonely, & anxious. Working scares the pants off me…but I’ve almost always enjoyed the jobs I’ve had. And the interview process is the worst part of it. Once I start, I’ll be working on getting my life back together. And it’s probably the #1 thing I can do to recover.
I hope you’re doing alright, too. I know it’s hard to say, “yes…everything’s fine,” when you don’t really feel that way. I felt worse this morning than I have in a long time…maybe because of the increase in AD. I’m no where near falling apart as i was around the holidays though. Thank God for lithium! Maybe it’s the one thing I’ll have to take for the rest of my life. The doc I see now says that’s quite possible. It’s not as bad as other things I’ve & gray here today. I’d rather be in CO with the snow coming down & ppl I love around me. That thought keeps me hoping for the future.
Take care Anne, & thank you for your words. Not many ppl understand how I think or feel…but I know you do & I’m grateful for that. I’ll keep you posted if anything new happens or just to see how you’re doing. (And keep you in my prayers, of course!)
Love,
Lori