Hi Again Anne,
I just read the last message I sent. I seem to have left something out in that last paragraph! I was just saying that lithium’s not as bad as other meds I’ve been on…& then that ran into a completely different topic! The next topic was that the weather here in Georgia is cold, overcast, & gray. (And just how that seems to be affecting my mood. Although it’s extremely cold in CO now…they have almost yr round sunshine. It can be beautiful to be safe & sound indoors & watch the snow come down. The sky is crystal blue, no clouds, lots of sunshine glinting off the snow! (Sure…like anywhere, there are the yucky gray days & then no one likes the snow at that time!)
Anyway…just wanted to correct that! I often misspell things, too…but I probably do that because my mind works faster than my fingers!
Have a good day, Anne. Stay in touch!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Hope all is well with you? I am going through a very rough time at the moment…I have been taking more sleeping pills and Peanut as done some bad damage to the bed, so my friend is in a bad mood. I know I should not take sleepers during the day but I just don’t want to feel like this and be awake. Well my room-mate is just coming back so guess I will have to ‘face the music’. She spends all day everyday on the computer, so we hardly talk at all. I would in my old home spend my days making my home nice. She asked why I do not do that here. It would be hard to because she lets her three dogs ‘toilet’ in the house and she does no housework at all…so I am unsure about trying to do it. My heads in one hell of a mess and I just want to sleep my life away.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I’m sorry your room-mate is on the computer all the time because that limits your using it. I sold my computer from an ad yesterday. I feel kind of bad about that, but it’s a matter of what I can take or ship when I leave. This way I will have enough money to have my hair done tomorrow (gray scraggly roots are popping up) & I can pay off a small credit card.
I finally got my driver’s license back yesterday, but after i handed them a form for the last ticket I paid & a certificate for completing defensive driving class…they said it would be another $210 for a points suspension. (The certificate will remove all but 3 points on my license.) Well, I thought about putting it on another charge card, but that would have just about maxed out the only open account I have. My room-mate got the money for me & called it a loan (oh how I dread that word!) He’s probably upset that I haven’t paid him back with the computer money, but I reminded him he had said he’d get me a plane ticket back home & this way I could do that on my own.
I also had my last name changed on my license & today I got a new social security card ordered with the name change. Oh! I ordered a replacement title for my car yesterday, & since they forgot to run the ad for the car, I stopped at the newspaper today to have them run it next week. The car was chugging badly yesterday, but I filled it with gas & put in additives for the oil, gas, & fuel injectors. Seems better today. I really wish I could take the car with me, but if I can sell it…I will.
I’m not so sure when I should leave again. I won’t have any money to do it this month, & if I have to stay into March, I think I will stay for the appointment with the other doctor I had last year. Then I look at my bills & wonder how I will be able to ship boxes back or drive home, if I choose. I feel as if I’m just killing time here so I can pay off some bills, but it is very uncomfortable for me, too.
Like you, when I shared a home with my husband (or lived alone…although I haven’t done that much in my adult life) I spent a good part of the time keeping it clean & making it “nice.” I’m back to doing very little because it’s not noticed & doesn’t change how I feel about being here. No matter where I go, I’m going to have to help out with housework, & as long as it’s not my own place…it demotivates me, but living with Cahe or the old boyfriend…well…they aren’t slobs, drinking & spilling food all over!
I am back to waking every few hours at night & into the morning. I feel so tired every day, & yet I can’t sleep well at night. I started walking again last Friday. 1.7 miles. After that I made it the full 2 miles. I’ve done that 5 days in a row, thinking it might help me sleep better & lose weight (& gets me out of the house on the weekend when the room-mate is home.) I was told if you walk for 30 minutes/5 days a week you will lose a lb./week & it’s good for depression. I feel kind of silly doing it because I just walk to a stop sign & turn around! (It’s 5-8 miles into the town.) So far I’ve only gotten a sore back & neck. I may go out today as well & just do it every single day.
I have only 2 pairs of jeans that fit me because of the weight I’ve put on, & they don’t fit very well. I’d like to lose 10 lbs & be able to wear my other clothes (although I don’t have many of those, either!) My sister gave me a gift certificate for Christmas & I used it today. Tried on jeans & a pair of dress slacks, but they all just didn’t fit properly & the extra weight has me very upset. I ended up getting a pair of earrings & a necklace (because the cheap earrings I got at the discount store made my ears black!) They’re the only jewelry I now have (more or less) & because they’re silver, I’m hoping my ears won’t turn green or black! I also got 2 warmer shirts for when I go back to Colorado (they have snow right now, & here it’s been 80 again & I’m burning up on my walks or in the car. I feel like I’ll pass out it gets so warm. It may be menopause or the lithium or just the heat…but I’m not doing well with it.)
My room-mate doesn’t really want the little cat I brought here. He got me a Tom cat, but he’s afraid the little female will go into heat & have kittens. I asked him if he’d keep the cats when I left, & he said…“just the male.” He’s so gruff about animals. The are outdoor pets, but he doesn’t want much to do with them. The old boyfriend has a new home & put expensive carpeting in it. In other words: “no pets!” My son & his girlfriend have a little Corgi dog…& I think it would be nice to be around a dog again. They’re thinking of getting another, & I think if I lived with them for a year (that’s a new lease they’d have to sign for a larger flat) than I may be tempted to find me a small dog like theirs.
I still think I’m going to the old boyfriends…but it may only be for a few months. I’m so freakin’ confused & my parents just say they don’t want to interfere with my choices. (That translates to, “We’re not happy that you’d move in with another man after you’ve just been divorced & the man you live with is not “healthy” for you either.”) I can tell.
I hope Peanut didn’t get you into too much trouble with the bed incident. Anne, living with other people has been my downfall in the past, too. My marriages lasted fairly long (with the exception of the last one) but in my last marriage we lived with some friends of his (who had a dog & never walked him…so he did his thing in the house, too.) Then we lived with his grandmother, & although the woman was kind & gracious to us…I always felt inferior because I didn’t work (& at the time I really couldn’t.)
Have you been looking at houses again? My biggest dilemma is trying to sell my things, decide what’s most important to take, mode of transportation, & then when to work it into my budget. I’m thinking early March…& yet I still wonder if I should wait until April because if I take the car I’ll need lots of gas money & enough to pay for a hotel for 3 nights (at least.) My Mum doesn’t say much about either place I’ve decided to move to, but she’s very adamant about not taking the old car (because it may not make it there.) I’m so tempted to take it though. I’d like to just go on faith & lots of prayers!
My back is hurting pretty bad. I guess I’ll take off a couple of days from walking…maybe take a hot bath while it’s still early.
I wish I could cheer you up some! (But on the other hand, I wish I had some of your sleepers!) It’s been 6 months since I slept all through the night. I wish I could explain to my counselor & doctor that I can’t expect to get with the program & get a job if I’m sleeping poorly. As long as I get some sleep, they say it’s not insomnia. Okay…but it’s still terrible!
Take care of Peanut & take pride that you walk him! It’s not only good for you both, but it gets you out of the house, briefly, & away from your room-mate’s environment. I just know you will feel better when you move out, too. I think our worlds will become much more pleasant when we move.
I love you,
Lori
Hello Anne,
I’m happy that you continue to look for your own home, even though it may feel as though the day will never come for you to move into it. I feel that way as well. I have too many “what ifs” about when to move, so I’m back to thinking I’ll try to do it in the first part of March. I’m really scared to make the move, but I know that staying where I’m at is what’s preventing me from getting stronger & feeling sane.
I didn’t sleep well last night & got up around 5 am. My roommate was passed out on the couch with a plate in his hand & the kitchen had bits of cheese all over from his cooking an omelet while drunk. I went back to bed & shortly after that I heard a crash. He said he knocked a picture off the wall & cut his finger on the glass. I found blood on the kitchen floor today & on the side of the toilet in the hall bathroom. I cleaned it up, of course. I also mopped the kitchen & vacuumed (his carpet is so old it’s worn. No pets, but it isn’t a nice house, either.) I feel so strange being here, & I really think it makes me feel like a crazy person, too. I bet between you & I, we are actually more mentally stable than our room-mates. So, what happens is it makes us feel perpetually crazy!
I wish you didn’t feel so bad & that there was something I could do for you. At this point in time I struggle with insecurity & fear of living on my own, too…but I don’t know that I can go to the old boyfriend’s. I just think I’d be happier & more prone to get on with my life if I lived with Cache & Jul. Julianna is such a positive person & I really need those kind of folks around me. But…I’m not sure about going there directly. To tell the truth, I probably won’t make that decision until I’m much closer to leaving.
Cache told me that his uncle committed suicide last Friday. That news was hard on me. I know it was hard on Cache, too. I don’t know how we manage to deal with depression Anne…but please tell me that you remember coming out of a depression & the world looked a little brighter! I know how bad it gets to be in that dark hole…but mark my words, you will rise above this. Getting your own home (& in the spring no less!) will be anxiety provoking…but it should be exciting in a way, too! I think you’ll be so much happier…so please, just hang in there. (And be glad you have Peanut!)
I’m going to try to sell some things in that parking lot tomorrow and/or Sunday. I dread getting up every morning, & end up lying in bed for a few hours before I actually get out of bed. The thought of getting up tomorrow to do something as simple as a flea market sale isn’t pleasant for me. I’ll probably get a late start & that’s if the room-mate is prepared to load my things & drop me off. I have absolutely zero energy & my sleep is so paltry that I always feel tired, weird, or as you say…“a mental person!” I just strive so badly to pull my life together now & be on my way. In the meantime I’m merely existing here & it pains me.
I look forward to these emails, & in some fashion they keep me going. I know I have a friend in you. I care for your well-being as I do my own. It’s never good to hear you are having a difficult time, but it’s always good to hear from you. I think we give off some sense of familiarity & help each other just by reading & responding. You aren’t a mental person to me, you are another woman in another county, who I can confide in & share things with. I admire you for carrying on with courage & strength. (And yes…you have more of that than you’re probably willing to admit!)
I want to get a bath now, hoping it will help me sleep in awhile. (I haven’t walked my 2 miles in 3 days now & I feel a little guilty!)
Give Peanut a little hug for me!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
I have been looking for houses to rent on-liine but nothing ‘feel’s’ right and so I have not looked into them. I rang a new estated agent with houses to rent in the Hessle area (when I went psychotic) and she said they have a few coming up in April, May time, So unless something comes up before then I will try for them. I’m so scared Lori of living on my won agan feeling this way. I no longer feel like me but I feel like a mentally ill person who is not sure how to live life. Here at my friends its is hard to clean u because it needs so much doing to it decorating wise and new carpets also: you can imagine why!
Don’t worry what your parents say do what is right for you its your life and you have to live it
My friend is getting up and will want to be on the computer will write later if I get a chance.
take care
love
Anne x
HI Lori,
Sorry to sound so ‘down’ guess somedays everything hits harder than others. I miss my past so much and struggle daily with trying not to think about it, not always successfully. I try and distract my mind by thinking of all the things I have gone through since I lost my home, the nights on the streets, the dodgy ppl I got involved with, the time I got beaten up, anything to stop remembering when life was ‘normal’. I think of that terrible flat/bedsit I was in before I came here and to be honest with losing my mum this last October I think had I still been there I would have been seriously suicidal and even acted on it. At least here there is no fire alarms going off in the middle of the night or fights on the landings,
All I want Lori is a safe home with a little garden.I don’t want a mansion or a castle, just a safe little home that I can make homely and that I want to spend time in. I use to ‘play house’ for hours at my old home buying pretty cushions and throws, dried flowers and pretty pictures I so want to go back to that, but I know I have to go forward. I prayer that a house will come up for me, that I can make an home.
Are you thinking of moving in with Cache and Julianna straight off? You must do what you feel right, If Julianna is a positive person ands you feel you would be better there then go there. I often wish Ben and Emma would ask me to get a bigger house and let them live with me, but that is not going to happen after what Ben wittnessed when I was psychotic…it would be nice if they would though.
Hope your sale goes well and you sell what you need to are you getting your fare together? It must me both an anxious and exciting time for you.
I hope I get my house in spring, when everything is fresh and that I can move in easily and feel motivted to do things. My energy levels are also low.
I remember that feeling of coming out of a depression and things seeming brighter…its been two years now and prior to that I was a mixture of psychosis, manic and depressed for 21/2 years so it is 41/2 years since I have truly ‘seen the light’ thats scary, I must try harder
I really need to lose some weight because it is impacting on my arthritis…so give the lithium chance and I may come off the olanzapine. Oh! Lori so many things have changed and I seem to resist each one to no avail.
I went to Ben and Emma’s last night and Emma had bought a little polo neck stripey jumper for peanut…he looks so cute…although he walks fummy in it we laughed so much…bless him. I will give him a little hug for you!
I feel blessed to have you for my friend and know I can write openly about my feelings without being misunderstood.
take care, my friend
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
I do really know how you feel. I am in a pretty bad place with my anxiety levels & I worry that I’ll go manic again & embarrass everyone around me & myself.
I haven’t taken my anti-depressant for 5 days. It’s a big weight gainer for me, & I’m trying to deal with things with only the lithium now. I’ve been taking a ton of supplements & vitamins. I don’t feel any different, really. I always have a low-lying depression…but I want to try just lithium & see if I can lose some weight. The weight from the AD makes me more depressed, & I’m at my wits end about it. My pdoc will probably go through the roof…but I wasn’t taking it for depression…I was taking it to help me sleep & getting fat in the process. I still take benedryl, but it’s over the counter & I simple have got to sleep!
I don’t think I’ll go to Cache & Jul’s straight off because I want to see a pdoc around where I used to live, first, close to the old boyfriend’s. But I’m a little leary about going to his place because (well…between us girls!) he’s a large man, & although I feel comfortable around him…when he mentions sex I find myself thinking…I just can’t do that! I feel comfortable with him…but I know that will become an issue. Still…I’m just so freakin’ confused! I do have morals, but we all do things based on the survival instinct.
My gut tells me to just take a plunge & live with my son & try to get out & on my own there. I’m not ready to quit smoking though, & I’ve had to go outside to do that for over a year now. It’s not fun! I also don’t know about the public mental health system there either. Jul’s pdoc is private & she has insurance for him. I think I’ll probably start out at the old boyfriend’s, & I hope I’m doing the right thing in the long run.
An outfit for Peanut?! How adorable! I used to dress my dog, Mojo up for the holidays! I sent photos to the old boyfriend, as a matter of fact! I think your little Peanut will be a saving grace for you when you get your own place. I can see you getting things for your home! I didn’t have any furniture when I moved here with my husband, but I got some throw pillows & candles & it felt a little nicer! So you can have a chance to do that again! I think I really want to get a place of my own again, too. It may take me a bit longer, & I know I’ll have to find a job, but I think I’d be motivated more living with Cache & Jul & they might be able to point me in the right direction. Too much to think about now.
I was going to use the money from the sale of the computer to pay off a charge card in full, but I decided I will use what’s left as money for the trip. That way I can definitely leave in March. It’s 1:00 & the room-mate just now got up. I guess having a sale of my things may not happen unless he wants to give it a try today. I better go ask. It feels like I’ll never get this part done! I don’t really want to do it, & neither does he. But a little more money & fewer things lying around taking up space would be nice. (It’s just this is the part I dread doing!)
You make home decorating sound very pleasant, Anne! I think you’ll enjoy it all over again! How’s the lithium? Notice anything positive yet? Aside from the polyuria, it’s the best thing for me, I think.
Well, take care & thanks for giving Peanut a hug for me!
Love,
Lori
Hi Anne!
Well…I actually spent a couple of hours selling some things. Nothing big, but enough little things to make $48! Every bit will help with my trip money! My room-mate was very gracious about it & stayed with me after we unloaded everything. He’s fixing a gasket on the oil pan of my car, even. I think the thing will make it 2,200 miles. I feel stronger about taking my car than I do about where I should go when I get there!
Uh oh! I was just told there’s another thing wrong with the car. Maybe that’s a good thing so we can see about fixing it, too. I guess I’ll just let the room-mate trouble shoot it & do some more repairs. I know he doesn’t want me to leave, but he’s obviously wanting to see that the car will make it.
I’ll close for now. Think I’ll try to sell things again tomorrow since they’re still loaded in my car & his truck.
I took my 2 mile walk again because I took 3 days off & felt guilty. Now I should get a shower though because I get so sweaty.
I hope you are getting along okay this weekend. (Although mine have been strange at times…this weekend seems to be going okay. I hope that’s a sign that things can only keep getting better!)
Take care & oh…go on & give Peanut another little hug for me!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Glad to hear you sold some things, money to the ‘back to Colorado’ fund. Hope you manage to sell more!
I know how you feel about the weight gain I have the same problem and have put on over 3 stone, I look terrible and do not feel like me at all. Add that to everything else and there is no wonder I am depressed. So if your old boyfriend is ‘large’ I cannot comment because so am I…lol. I understand though what you mean, and can also see that if he expects sex it could create problems!
Are you still ‘off’ you AD’s? How do you feel? I would like to come off mine and my zyprexa but dare not until I have seen another psychiatrist. I am suppose to be getting a new CPN but have not heard anything yet, we will see.
I have seen a lovely house for rent in a very nice area with everything I would like…2 living rooms and gardens and a garage, it is only £425.00 per month, and that is cheap for the area it is in. It seems too good to be true! It is not available until March, but I have registered my name and number to view it. I just know I could make it into a lovely home. I have not seen the inside of course, but it is so like my old home I am prepared to do any work needed. Although it says in the advert that it’s been redecorated and new carpets. Keep your fingers crossed for me…it would be ideal, If I was lucky enough to rent it I would be able to furnish it with my savings and I would also be able to afford a mobility car. It would be the answer to my dreams!
I have ‘hugged’ Peanut for you, he is so sweet, a proper little boy. He does not like his little jumper, and when I put it on him he just stands still and does not move, I don’t think I’ll be buying him any more ‘clothes’…lol.
I hope you are still feeling well and things like the car and selling things for the Colarado ‘fund’ are working out for you. You are in my thoughts Lori and I keep you also, in my prayers.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
Always good to hear from you, & I can feel your excitement about the home you’ve seen for rent! It sounds very nice & I’m sure you’ll make it even nicer if you get it. March isn’t far off now…so that would be wonderful timing for you to move! I’ve decided March is my month to get back to Colorado, too…so we’re both in for some changes!
I’m not familiar with “stones” regarding weight. I know it’s a British term…but I have no idea how much that is. I’ve gained 15 lbs, but I’d be happy to lose just 10. I think I’d feel better because I look in the mirror when I tried jeans on the other day & I’m trying to squeeze into them, but I have to keep adding a size whenever I try to purchase them. I just turned around & didn’t buy any yet. I’m still walking the 2 miles per day…& have been off the AD for 8 days. It may take some time. I don’t eat as much now & actually feel kind of nauseous in the morning. I don’t feel any different really. I think I still feel like a crazy lady & I don’t think I’ll feel “right” until I’m in what feels like a safer environment, & a good doctor should be able to help me with the med situation (I’m still holding out for lamictal to replace the lithium because it’s supposed to be better for depression. And of course the anti-anxiety med because my sleep is now dependent on a lifetime supply of benedryl!)
The ad for my car started running today & I already had a man come look at it. I would so much prefer to drive it to Colorado, but I’ll check with Julianna & see what she thinks about me purchasing her parents old car. I told the man I’m still waiting on the title to come in the mail, which I am. I also said I wouldn’t take any less than I’m asking. He said he’d call back in a few days to see if I have the title. His car had over 400,000 miles on it…so my 268,000 seems like nothing! My Mum would just freak out if I tried to drive it to Colorado…but if I do I won’t tell them until I get there. Cache said he’d come & get me if I break down…but I’m praying really hard that I’ll make it safe & sound!
The ex-boyfriend is 6’2", but I bet he weighs over 200 lbs. I’m 5’2" & weigh 122. That may not seem like alot, but that’s what I weighed at 9 months pregnant with my daughter. Due to meds…I was this big 8 years ago. Then I was switched to meds that made me feel sick just with the smell of food…needless to say I dropped 10 lbs very quickly. I’d be happy losing as little as 6 lbs. The extra weight makes me tired & my clothes are so tight they’re uncomfortable. But back to the ex boyfriend…I’m just not in the mood to “fake” intimacy. So I’m still uncertain…but I’m thinking I’d be better off staying with my son & Jul until I can get a job & save enough to live alone. I don’t know if it’s because I’m perimenopausal or anti-social, but I can’t see me in a relationship now.
Funny how Peanut just stands there when you dress him up! I got Mojo a little Christmas outfit. It was red velvet cuffs, collar & some antlers! She did the same as Peanut! She stood there looking at me like I was mean! And she wouldn’t move. Maybe they were uncomfortable for her. I only put them on once for pictures Didn’t want to “bother” her with that again. I used to take her to a groomers to have her nails clipped & they’d sometimes paint them & put a scarf around her neck with some sort of decorations, depending on the holiday of that month (hearts/Valentines…Eggs/Easter.) She didn’t mind that too much. I miss her so much & since Cache & Jul have a little Corgi I think I’ll like just being around a dog again. They are thinking of getting another. I sometimes wonder if I could talk them into letting me take one with me if I move out. I’ll have to see. Everything is going to depend on getting a job & that totally terrifies me, but at 51, it’s about time I get into the groove of taking care of myself.
I will pray for you to get that home! If it’s alot like your other one, you’ll be able to take care of it & have that “safe & secure” feeling again. Some things helped trigger our mania, you know. You said you hung out at a pub, & I know I had started drinking alot…too. As long as we’re really working on good health, & stay away from drinking, I believe we’ll be okay. I figure I’ll be better off around my son & Jul because they could see something coming & help me. Living with the old boyfriend…I just would have an empty feeling & I was so damaged from being hospitalized & abandoned by my ex-husband (more than once) that I have some trust issues. I’ll do whatever it takes to stay out of the hospital!
Well my friend, I must get off the computer & wait on a call from social security. They do periodic checks on where you’re living & whatnot. Hopefully they have my name changed!
Take care Anne, & let me know if you get the home! I’m truly thrilled for you!
Hugs (of course!) to Peanut!
Love,
Lori
Hi Anne,
I read your message last night, but then the room-mate came home & I thought I’d write to you today so I don’t have him over my shoulder.
I’ve had 2 people come look at my car & they wanted it. Then I told them I had decided to keep it to drive back “home.” I went & changed the ad to add another $1000 to the price (as the old boyfriend suggested.) I still don’t want to sell it, but if I get anyone who wants to pay the extra amount…I may have to rethink my plans. I asked Jul about her parents’ car, & funny thing…that day her brakes had gone out in her car, so she was driving it. She’s not sure if they will sell it, but she will know about the time I’m wanting to leave. I just don’t know what I’d do without a car again. The room-mate has purchased some things to work on it this weekend, & for valentine’s Day he bought me a little tool kit with jumper cables & screwdrivers & rachets. I took an old milk jug from the trash today & rinsed it out & put it in my car, thinking I might need it for water or something if it overheats. I also have a tiny one gallon gas can I had actually had to use last year when I was so manic I’d drive all around & run out of gas. I worry about telling my parents more than I worry about making the trip. I’ve driven the car around a bit, & it just feels “right” to me. It’s an eyesore, but it’ll get me to places I need to get to without having to rely on someone else all the time.
When you mentioned the ring Ben got for Emma I thought about the things Cache has bought for Julianna & it makes me feel so happy to know both of our sons have found a good young woman to share their lives with. Cache has had problems with drinking & drugs & he wasn’t much on looking after himself until Jul came along. They are very good for each other. Which brings me to how I feel about moving in with them. I vacillate so much, Anne. Cache often comments about how he doesn’t want anything to come between his relationship with Julianna, as if he’s afraid my presence will impair their bond. He’s said that a couple of times & even in our last conversation a few days ago. Then I got an email from Julianna saying that their door is always open & she didn’t want me to let Cache’s words get to me. She said she’d like to have a woman around & that they’d get the 2 bedroom as soon as possible.
Then I speak with the old boyfriend each day just because we are good friends & I feel “sane” when we speak, even if I’m still very insecure about living with him for a long period of time. He wants me to try to make up my mind for Cache & Jul’s sake because he says they will have to make accommodations, whereas he just has to open his door.
It just tears me in two! I have so many unrealistic fears of not finding a good pdoc where Cache & Jul live. As I spoke to the old boyfriend last night I said I’d probably feel best staying with him…at least at first. When I’m driving, I will be near his home first (because I’m coming from the south US.) I also would like to get into my old doctor near him, & that may take awhile to do.
We’re funny…you & I! You play with that home you’ve seen for rent back & forth in your mind & I feel downright confused about where to go from here! I really hope you do get that home! I’ve lived briefly where there was only a shower, & I so miss the luxury of a bath, too! Those are the little things that will make you feel good again! And as you said…the weight can be worked on when you have other things in order in your life! I feel that way, too. I still try to walk my 2 miles most days, but I’m doing it to help me sleep, get fresh air, pass the time. I haven’t lost any weight at all, but I’ve only been off the AD a short time, so it may take some more time. It’ll be more difficult to walk in the winter in Colorado because it’s so cold…but I expect if I live with the old boyfriend I will have a better diet & that might help. (Although since I stopped the AD I don’t eat as much, so you’d think I’d lose the weight.)
I like to think of Peanut curled up at your feet! I’m sure he’s quite taken with you & I bet you’re right…that he feels he’s “yours!” I thought of my Mojo today when I was driving & I uttered one word out loud: “pain.” I haven’t gotten over seeing her run over last year & I really wish I could replace her. I don’t think that will be possible unless I get my own place. That’s what’s really driving me…I want to have regain the things I’ve lost & it’s going to take time, work, effort, & money. Sometimes I wonder how long I’ll live & whether or not I’ll have enough time to get back to some feeling of accomplishment. It’s not really depressing, but it feels like enormous stress. (Here’s hoping a new pdoc will give me something for sleep or anxiety!)
I’m happy Andrew called you to tell you he loved you & to wish you luck with the home. I got an email card from my 1st husband (my daughter’s dad) for Valentine’s Day & I wrote back to thank him & tell him that I still love him. I even said if he didn’t have a room-mate he should consider letting me live with him again! It was only partially said in jest! I guess I’
m looking for a sense of security for my future & I worry that I won’t be able to provide that for myself.
Oops! Julianna just called my cell phone so I need to get off the computer & call her from the home phone. I’ll write again soon! And I don’t know what I’m going to say to my “children!” I guess I’ll see how they feel about it.
Good luck on your house & I’ll pray that you get it (& perhaps you can pray that my car will make it back to CO & that wherever I go I won’t be so fearful of going crazy again!)
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
How is the ad for your car going, have you had many replies? I am worried about you driving 2,000+ miles, when you are not sure the car will make it!
Although, I understand, how you want to have a car when you get there. Have you asked Julianna about her parents car?
Nothing much different here except I think I feel a little more balanced and I am hoping the lithium is ‘kicking in’. I have my next blood test on the 20th of this month and my dose will be ‘upped’ then. I am still taking the efexor and the zyprxa/olanzapine. I have put on ‘42lbs’ in weight, 14 lbs = 1 stone, so 3 stone. It is terrible I don’t feel like me at all and will try and lose weight once I get some other things ‘sorted’ in my life. Like an home that I can feel ‘safe and secure’ in, one that I want to clean and look after!
Ben bought Emma a blue topaz and diamond ring in white gold for Valentines day and she is over the moon. They are so happy together and Emma’s made the flat real homely and nice. When Ben lived there alone he did not bother now he does. I am so pleased the Ben is not ‘alone’ anymore I think it use to get him down but he never said anything to me.
Andrew, rang me, today and told me he loved me so that was nice, I told him about the house and he said he will keep his fingers crossed for me!
I so hope I get it Lori, it would be ideal and now I am worried that I will not get it and will feel more down! Its all like a vicious circle and I just want it to end!
I am worried the estate agents for the house will want me to have a ‘backer’ with their own home, I don’t have anyone I can use for thats, so I am worried, but trying to not let it ‘get to me’ so much. The estate agent never said anything about that on the phone I just know some of them want a ‘backer’.
Here at my friends she only has a shower and I am so looking forward to laying in a bath with candles around me again. I want to feel clean and balanced again. I don’t think its too much to ask. I pray that I will get the house and be able to begin re-building my life again.
Peanut is asleep at my feet whilst I am typing this, he follows me everywhere and I think he knows he is ‘mine’. I have give him hugs from you.
I will write again soon.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Lori,
Sorry I have been so long in replying but I have not been able to get on the computer much!
How are things with you? Have you made a definate decision yet about where you are going to go? I understand the dilemma and can only say, go with your gut feelings. I also understand how you feel about Cache saying about his r/ship with Julianna. I hope you have made a decision and that things work out for you. I am praying that your car makes it and also that you will not feel like a ‘crazy woman’ anymore!
I have been pretty low all week and have been trying to believe that things can only get better. I have still not heard about the house, but it says March in the advert so I guess the viewing will be in March. I hope I get it, it would be ideal.
I went to the Dr’s this morning because I felt dizzy and I have a bad infection in my left ear, he gave me some spray for it. I asked for some more sleepers but he said no so guess I will just have to make do with my Zyprexa. Still taking the lithium at 400mg. I missed my appointment for my blood test so go next Tuesday now. I’m unsure if my GP will increase the lithium dose or if I will have to see a psychiatrist to do that. The GP also instructed the receptionist to ring the mental health team and get me a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) so I should hear something from them soon.
I am going to Ben and Emma’s tonight and I am looking forward to it, it is nice to visit them. I just wish I had my own home for them to come visit me. I feel like I have let Ben and Andrew down through having this mental illness and I also feel like a ‘crazy woman’. I never in my worse nightmares thought my life would be like this and to be honest I still have not come to terms with it all.
I’ll close for now Lori I need to get ready to go see Ben and Emma. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.
take care
love
Anne x
Hi Anne,
Yes, I got on the computer this morning & realized it’s been a week since I wrote. I feel bad about that since these emails mean so much. I started to write to you, but the room-mate was getting ready to go to work & it pretty much interferes with my train of thought. So, I got back on & checked my other email account 7 was notified that you’d written! I was so happy to see that! I haven’t been feeling so great either.
I’ve managed to keep an appt. with my GP for an annual exam on Wednesday & he gave me a prescription for this patch. It’s Oxytrol & I place it on my hip & change it only twice a week. It’s supposed to help my urinary frequency since that keeps me awake several times a night & I don’t think I’ve slept more than 5 hours in months (with hourly breaks to get up & use the bathroom.) I hope it will work, & that the lithium won’t override it. The first night was no different, but I think I only got up 3 times last night (& that’s a huge improvement.)
I have still had so many problems staying here, that I decided I will leave on March 3. So I only have to deal with the living situation about a week & a half. I even email my Mum & Dad & told them I was driving because I don’t want to ever be without a car again & it’s all I have left right now. I gave them the old boyfriend’s address & phone number because that just seems to be what I should do (at least from the beginning.) I haven’t heard back from them, & I’m sure they’re worried & not pleased with my decisions, but certainly it will give them an idea of how badly I feel the need to get out of here.
I can work doing inventory jobs PT or full time when I get there, although the hours are awful for me (4am -9am/ 9pm-2am.) I told the old boyfriend I sure hope I can get something to help me sleep because I haven’t had 8 hours in over 6 months. He seems to think that if I choose to do it for a few days I will be exhausted enough to sleep from then on. I’d like to think he’s right, but I haven’t had consistent sleep patterns in several years. Whatever it will take though…I’ve simply got to get on with my life.
I got mailed an invitation to my ex-husband & his girlfriend’s engagement part today. Her handwriting, of course. He took out a restraining order on me so I couldn’t have contact with him & I bet he doesn’t know that his girlfriend sends me things like this (or put pictures of the two of them in a box of my belongings when I went to pick up my things.) She’s trying to get to me & all I can think of is that I just want to get away from here because being here in the first place was not a choice, but his military move. I hope one day she’ll have more to do with her own life than think about how to upset me! I don’t contact them…I just wish they’d do the same.
Nice that you can go to Ben & Emma’s tonight! I look forward to spending time with Cache & Jul, too. Now Cache didn’t see me at my worst the past couple of years…but in a way I feel I will be letting him & Jul down if I don’t move in with them. I know they really don’t want the lack of privacy…but I know that Julianna, especially, can understand how I feel about staying with the old boyfriend. I have no idea if it will work or for how long…but I still plan on starting there so I can find some work, (I’ll use all my money for this trip, I’m sure) start paying off bills again, & hopefully save enough to get up to Loveland (where Cache & Jul live) & help them get into that 2 bedroom/2 bathroom flat. I’m so frightened about starting all over again.
Then the weather here has been raining hard for the last 2 days. That means I couldn’t walk yesterday, & even though I thought I could try it with an umbrella today, it was coming down hard & sideways so my pants were soaked before I got to the road in front of the house. Yesterday was a little relaxing, not walking, but I’d only missed 4 days out of the 21. Today being inside makes me feel sad & yes…a little cooped up & trapped again, even though I’m alone.
Yesterday I felt so happy, I think because I’ve made a definite decision to leave…but today I woke up with some pretty bad anxiety. Maybe just because I’m coming up on a weekend & those are hard to get through because of the room-mate’s drinking. He said he may work on another thing for my car this weekend & if it rains he may have to pull it under a lean-to shed. I bet if it rains, nothing will get done & although I still have one more weekend after this before I leave, I’d like to be packing the car, not waiting on it to be repaired. Nothing’s ever for certain around here except that the room-mate is worse on the weekends.
Last weekend I took a walk my walk & he’d been drinking, but I said I’d be back shortly. I should have taken my keys because he locked me out & was passed out on his bed when I got back. I tried knocking on his window, calling the house & then his cell. I eventually called the old boyfriend & he calmed me down & helped me laugh…although it wasn’t funny. I called the cell phone again & he finally woke up, opened the door & dropped back to pass-out status. When I went to the fridge he had all but finished a bottle of wine (he bought it for me “to help me sleep” when I’ve told him I can’t drink because it makes me ill.) And that was on top of a 12 pack of beer! I may have an occasional drink down the road, but I will never do it while I’m here again! At least one of us has to be coherent, & I tell the old boyfriend that I miss his “reliable” nature. I really do! Perhaps I won’t stay with the old boyfriend for a long period of time…but he doesn’t really scare me & he’s compassionate & reliable. I haven’t been around that in soooo long! My ex husband was a kid (my daughter is a year older than he is!) and the room-mate is our age, but a terrible drunk. It’ll be nice to be around a sensible, mature, reliable person that doesn’t seem so inconsistent! If I find that maybe I just want to live alone…I will then head up & live with Cache & Jul until I can get my own place. I don’t think I have a problem with men in general! The last 6 years with the ex & now the last 1 1/2 years with a stranger…it’s been too wearing on me.
I don’t feel “right” either. I think it’s shame at having this illness & being tossed out by the ex. Now it’s like picking up what’s left & trying to get on with my life as if the last 7 years didn’t exist. Rather difficult to do! I feel very low today, too. Part of it’s the weather, part of it’s not sleeping well, & there’s always that anxiety about staying sane while I’m here & even after I get back “home.” I beilieve I can be happy again, but I’m not really sure how to do that at the moment! And my anxiety tops any depression I’ve ever had. I know much of it is because I’m here. I just hope it’s situational & not something I’ll feel no matter where I go.
I only take 600 mg of lithium now. I was down to about 300/day…but I noticed I still had the urinary frequency problem & I felt a little more anxious & depressed. So I figure that’s as high as I want to go since the clinic has never done blood work on me & the pdoc said I could take 600 rather than 900 to see if I might lose some weight.
I was notified by the clinic that my pdoc appt next Thursday was cancelled & they’ve assigned me a new doctor for Friday. I was going to wait to meet the doctor I had last year on March 7, but I thought, "the hell with it! I’ll just try this new doctor they’ve assigned to me & leave earlier. The new doctor can’t be as bad as the last one they gave me…& I’ll be able to get a month’s supply of lithium before I leave conveniently at the clinic. (I’d love some sleeping pills, too…but I don’t hold out any hope for those until I get back to Colorado. Probably better since I’ll be driving up to 12 or 13 hours for 2 days to get back to CO. It’s snowing off & on there, which doesn’t really scare me as much as a bad rain storm in the south! I hope & pray that the good Lord will really watch over my journey! (Including decent weather!)
I hope you get the house very soon. Maybe you’re right…that it’s just the viewing that starts in March. But hopefully you’ll get in to see it very soon. Keep on looking though. I can tell you aren’t all that comfortable with your living arrangement either. I know it feels as though we are merely surviving right now, not really living or part of anything else. I believe you will be moving into your own place long before I’ll be able to do so. But you’ve got my full encouragement about living on your own. I think you can do it quite nicely! (And hopefully you can get on the computer some! Do you have your own?)
Well…see what happens when I don’t write in a week?! There’s a lot to talk about!
Have a good time with Ben & Emma (& try to remember this…we judge ourselves much harder than our children judge us.)
I think of you so much Ann…& I think I get a little sadder when I don’t hear from you. I hope you can get on the computer some more soon. Let me know if you hear anything about the house (& I’ll let you know if my trip plans change…although I hope they don’t because I want to get out of here!!!)
Take care.
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Only a week and half to go! I bet you feel so pleased that this episode in your life is coming to an end. I am so pleased for you and hope all goes well. Have you had any feedback off your parents, concerning your decisions yet?
Well done also on walking a few miles each day, I don’t think I could do that. I do so little that my lower back really aches when I walk and I hope (if I get that house) that I will go to water aerobics at the swimming pool which is a short walk from the house.
I have my own computer but it is still at Ben’s, Ben gave me it, I lost mine in the ‘on the street’ episode. Well. I damaged an house when I came out of the hospital and the estate agent kept all my belongings because they wanted £2000.00 off me for damage caused. I did not cause that much damage and plus I was on the street with no money, so I had to ‘let it all go’. I still think about my belongings and guess I will until I get more. I am really hoping on getting the house and I am mentally planning what I will do if I get it! I will spend a lot of time looking round second-hand shops for pictures and bits and pieces to build an home again. I have enough money saved for a second-hand car, and all the furnishings I will need.
I know if I don’t get the house I will be very sad but I will hope that another one will come’s up.
I went to Ben and Emma’s and had some dinner there it was very nice. Emma continues to ‘do up’ the flat and had just hung some new curtains in the bathroom. I watch her ‘fussing around’ and think that is how I use to be. Ben gets ‘told off’ for making a mess, but he takes it in good part and I know he appreciates all that Emma does.
I just want an home I feel safe in and can ‘fuss around’ in. I am still looking but nothing else is available in the area’s I want. I could get an house in some areas but feel I am best ‘waiting’ for what I really want!
I am surprised you have not had any blood works done, it is extremely important when taking lithium, ask your Dr to do it. If you go ‘toxic’ you can go into a coma and die. It is so important Lori, please get them to check it.
Sounds like you are determined to go to Co in your car and I can understand that. I think ‘we’ have lost so much we need to ‘hold on’ to what we can. I know when I ‘get sorted’ I will religiously stick to my meds and also make sure I sleep at appropriate times and eat healthily. I feel here, I am, ‘stuck in a rut’. I cannot ‘clean’ like I could my own home and think that is because of the way I ‘clean’. I use to ‘potter’ about my own home doing bits and pieces and making it look nice,and I cannot do that here!
I did not realize your ex-husband was so young and can understand you wanting a reliable, mature man. I had a short relationship with a man much younger than me and could not ‘relate’ to him so ended it, he still texts me, but I ignore him.
Well! I have been in bed all day today, it is now 8pm, I think it was the ‘best place’ for me. I am not sure how much of my dizziness is my ear infection and how much is out familiar friend, anxiety,I like you hope my anxiety is situational and will end when I have my own home again.
I so want to wake up in a morning and feel ‘normal’,I want to sit in my garden and feel like I use to. Oh! Lori I know exactly how you feel because I have all the ‘doubts’ and worries about this illness that you have. I think it will take some time for us to get back to ‘normal’ after all we have been through and even then, I think it will be a ‘new normal’. So I guess we both have to ‘grit our teeth’ and get on the best we can!
I feel better when I hear from you and will try my hardest to get on the computer once a day.
I’m going to have something to eat now so will finish here and will write tomorrow all being well.
take care
love
Anne x
Hello Anne!
So good to hear from you! I’m going to be miserable for a few days while I’m en route to CO, not being able to hear from you! Because we share so much in common, every little step you make to improve things for yourself is a wonderful journey I get to be a part of…& because I’m not a very social person…I doubt that I’ll ever meet any one that I feel as comfortable with as you. Has your illness also kept you in an isolating mode? I’m just too nervous around other people, at least right now. I hope that will change. And although I’m scared to think of working again, it feels as though it will be a rewarding challenge once I get up the “nerve!”
Now water aerobics sounds like fun! I missed my walk the last 2 days because of the rain, so today I did it about noon (in case it rained later.) Well it’s hot & sunny again…& I’m thinking I might just take another 2 mile walk before the sun goes down. (That makes up for at least one of those days!) My lower back has been killing me since I started doing all of this walking, but I’m very caught up in it now, like a habit…& when I can’t walk I actually start feeling extremely down & worried (I can’t even tell you what I worry about…probably everything!)
I got a notice from the doctor I visited on Wednesday that he wants me to go to the lab for routing blood work. It’s just routine things (probably thyroid) but I’m going to call his office, explain that I haven’t had my lithium level checked in over 7 months & see if he can request that, too. He’s a gynecologist…but he should be able to request the extra test. Then I can take care of this before I start my trip. But guess what! That oxytrol patch allowed me to sleep through the night without having to use the bathroom! It must be working! Now I just hope it clears up the problem beyond the month of wearing the patches, because I’ll still be taking lithium. Maybe my doctor in Colorado will take me off the lithium, which would be fine with me…but I’ll need an anti-anxiety med for sure. That alone would prevent mania for me & help me sleep on top of that! But maybe I’m just dreaming…I certainly won’t go off the lithium on my own…never/ever!!
I’m happy you have a computer of your own! I will either have to ask to use the old boyfriend’s, or go to the library…but either way…I’ll try to keep up with your emails! (His name is Ken…so from here on out I’ll just put “K”…shorter than “old boyfriend!”) Well, K is so much more calm than my current room-mate. I told him if I speak of living with Cache…it’s mostly because I’ve just had over a year of living with someone who made me very nervous & I may have a difficult time adjusting to someone who is consistent, calm, reliable! I just don’t trust men so much these days!
I’m sure Julianna gives Cache a hard time about cleaning up, too…but those are the little things that couples tease each other with! I hope that I can visit them as you visit Ben & Emma shortly after I get to CO. I still feel like I’m “testing the water” so to speak as far as who I will feel the most comfortable living with (& who I will cause the least disruption for!) I’d really like to live on my own & fix up a place just like you mentioned! It’s nicer to take care of things when they belong to you…but I know I will feel better about helping K take care of his house than I have living in this terribly strange place. (I’m always having to clean the computer keyboard because his chewing tobacco is all over the keys & desk! Gross!)
I still haven’t heard from my parents, but I’m going to wait. The room-mate spent 3 hours today taking the car part off he was going to replace. He’d also been drinking non-stop even longer. Well…but 3 pm he stumbled into the house & went to bed! The car & his tools are still spread out in the backyard! So he will probably take another full weekend to finish this job! That means no more trying to sell things at the flea market this weekend. So, even though there is one more weekend before I’ve decided to leave…I am still not quite sure if he will finish this work or leave the car incomplete (& at this point that means not drivable!) I’d like to get in for the morning blood tests this week, too. See how difficult it is to live here where I don’t feel I can make appointments & keep them?! Because of the car, I think I’d better not call my parents until the work is done. But once I’m on the road…my car had better not break down, because I absolutely will not turn around & come back here (ever!)
I suppose it will be getting dark soon, so I’m going to take yet another walk! When I get back I’ll make some dinner (whether the room-mate is up or not.) Do you notice good things with the 450mg of lithium? I’ve noticed 600 is a lot better for me than 300mg. And I know it’s for mania, primarily…but I think I feel less depressed with it, too.
Give Peanut a smooch for me & a hug! (You’re a lucky woman to have him!!!)
Love,
Lori
Hi again Anne,
I know you’re busy with Ben & Emma tonight, but I’ve had you on my mind. I just have a few quick questions for you. First of all…didn’t you say that the last episode you had was 4 years ago? If that’s the case…then it’s been a long time since you had your own home, & I imagine it will make the next one you get so very much appreciated! I’ve had those complete flip out manias a few times actually. The very first one was when I was separated from Cache’s Dad & going to law school. I was working as a waitress to help support myself & frankly I drank a lot every night for about 6 months before I completely crashed like that.
The other times, well…once I got angry with my last husband & kicked him out & quit taking my anti-anxiety med. Again, it starts out where I just can’t sleep…then I become delusional & terribly manic from there. My manic episodes were in 95, 02, 06, & 07. Not a good pattern at all! The depressive ones were in 84, & 2 in 03. Those were hospitalizations. In 2000 I lived with a man who pretty much took care of me, but all I did was sleep. I couldn’t work at all. The reason I asked you about how long it’s been is because I think if we take care of ourselves & stay away from drinking or drugs…we will probably do very well on our own. (You before me.) I think it’s probably easier to go through a depression when we live alone. Sometimes I think living with someone else can work either way. It’s often helpful (especially if we have no where to go!) but I think this past year has just made me feel stagnate.
Oh…my other question is do Ben & Emma smoke? I smoke, like you…& I always feel a little uncomfortable around people who don’t. Cache doesn’t…& Julianna quit. I would never smoke in their flat if I move in with them…but that’s a big reason I don’t feel all that comfortable where I’m at! I go outside. K smokes in only one room of his house, by a window & with the fan going…but at least that part of living there will be comfortable! And you know…I suppose these are the silly little things I worry about every day!
I’m beginning to wonder what I will do after I move there! I want to go to work right away to save money (I’ll probably need another old car in the near future) but the hours of that inventory job K mentioned are terrible for me! I can’t get up to work 4am-9am & the 9pm-2am doesn’t sound great either! I guess I’ll try to find something else that’s PT, but you know…I can’t see myself working at all unless I can get a solid 8 hrs of sleep each night & feel rested. I don’t know why I can’t right now. It’s probably a combination of fear/anxiety about my room-mate, maybe pre-menopause temperature changes…& my circadian rhythm is just off. I just really hope my doctor in CO will give me something for sleep. Other people with BP seem to have doctors that understand our need for sleep! Lately the doctors just look at me & say “No, they’re too addictive.” Well…being BP…I already have to be on meds for all eternity! You’d think they give us something to make the journey easier!
I didn’t mean to ramble so much! I just wanted to refresh my memory about your episode…yours is farther in the past than mine (see…you’re lucky!) & I don’t know if I ever asked you if your sons (or their girlfriends) smoke. My daughter doesn’t smoke, & none of my 3 step children from my second marriage smoke either. Both of my 1st 2 husbands quit. I feel like the last hold out! But I still enjoy them, LOL!
Have a goodnight, Anne! (This is a 2nd email today, so I hope you read them both!)
Take care again & I hope to hear from you soon!
Love,
Lori
Hi Lori,
I lost my home in 2003 after I went psychotic, I had only one previous episode and that was in 1995. I know now, looking back, that I had mania a few times, but it was in 1995 that I was diagnosed with bipolar. I was told then that I would be on lithium for life and I only stopped taking it because my PDoc believed it was making my arthritis worse, I so wish I had not stopped taking it. I had depression in 85, 93 ,2000 and now. I believe I was psychotic in 2004 and again in 2005.
In October 2004, I wrecked another house, mainly by trying to ‘fix’ the central heating (I flooded the house) then I was homeless and honestly believe that I was psychotic until Sept 2005, when I went into a deep depression. So although it seems a long time ago it’s been one hell of a ride. I will appreciate having an home again and its almost 5 years since I had a place I could call home. I daydream that I will find a nice home again and will return to some form of ‘normal’.
Ben and Emma both smoke and so I’m ok smoking around them. I am able to get cigs cheap so I buy them for Ben and Emma, to help them out financially…although I do think about their health! Andrew and Avril do not smoke, but I do not see them, last time was at my mum’s funeral. Andrew does not like smoke and move’s away if you ‘light up’. I smoke loads and know it is bad for my health, and that I will pay for it at some stage. I will attempt to ‘cut down’ once I get sorted.
I gave Peanut an hug from you and yes I am lucky to have him and do spend alot of time cuddling him.
I have resolved not to eat any chocolate and I am finding that hard because I love chocolate, but I must try and get my weight down. I was a size 10 (8 in the US) and now I am a size 18 (16 in the US) I do not feel healthy at this weight and I’m sure its the tablets that have caused it, cutting down on the chocolate should help though…lol.
I am also determined starting tomorrow to take Peanut for a regular walk, that may help some!
I can’t wait to get an home with a bath so that I can take long bubble baths with lighted candles in the bathroom…these are the things I dream about. I also dream about having a garden again I love sitting outside in the summer. I think of Ben and Emma and them coming for meals and visits and I pray that I get the house I will be viewing in March. Its time for me to go home. I feel so in transit, which is what I have been, for almost 5 years. Only staying at places that were temporary…even here at my friends I feel it is only somewhere to stay until I get my own home again.
Will write again soon.
take care
love
Anne x
Hello Anne,
Well…I suppose the way you put it, your life has been turbulent as mine has! I have only been on lithium at relatively small intervals in my life. I was on it from Nov. - Feb. (03-04.) I stopped taking it one day & I wasn’t on anything until I went manic in Aug. 06. I didn’t feel better…I just didn’t want the side effects. I did really well for those 2 1/2 years. Then I had my meds changed last spring to a new anti-depressant & neurontin. I felt so much anxiety & actual “fear.” I went off those & ended up very manic from about May-July. I was in the hospital each of those months. Ending up in jail for trashing my room-mate’s house, I decided never to go off the lithium again. Maybe I will be on it for the rest of my life, too. I don’t know how some people are able to work full time with this disorder. I have had only part time jobs sporadically & I don’t know that I have skills to do something significant.
I worry about going to K’s house because not only is he hoping for a relationship, but I’m so ashamed about being on social security that I feel I should be working, & well…I don’t know how I will do that! It may sound strange, but I really “live” in only one pair of jeans. I can’t fit into my old clothes, & I really don’t have much of a wardrobe. I sort of dread even looking for new clothes right now! I thought 6 months ago that I would lose the weight I had put on…but it’s not budging. Like you, I adore chocolate (lol!) but I rarely eat it. I’ve cut way back on what I eat & how moch…& yet nothing changes. I thought cutting out the AD (remeron) might help me lose weight. It’s only been a couple of weeks…but all I’ve noticed is that my appetite is less (as a matter of fact I felt sick to my stomach the 1st week.)
I feel for you when you say you haven’t had your own place for 5 years. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you’ve been transient for so long. I’ve only lived here at the room-mate’s since Sept 06 (but I’ve been homeless at times while here because he would often throw my belongings outside if I left to meet someone I met online or just to go for a drive.) I just don’t have any sense of security while I’m here & I’ve told K how important that is to me & how it may take us some time to feel living together is okay for him (“safe” for me.) I still would like to move into my own place…at least that’s how I feel right now. I may just be trading one problem for another. I sure hope not!
Well…wonders never cease! The room-mate got my car fixed today! Now I can take care of the blood tests this week, & go to my next pdoc appt & get extra lithium for the trip. I may still try to sell a few things next weekend…but I’ll be putting my things in the car one week from tonight!!!
I’m not so scared. The car seems to be running well. I’m just so anxious to get going. I haven’t called Cache lately & I probably should tonight. I wish I hadn’t left my last cell phone in my pocket when I did laundry! In effect I lost a phone number for a lady friend (our age) I used to know a couple of decades ago. She’s on disability (for a bad back) & was living with her son & his family. Although I’ve thought about getting a place with her (she’s on a wait list for low income housing) I think about you & your room-mate situation & say to myself that I’d probably have difficulties living with her, too. (She’s not a very clean person, either. Plus she has 4 adult sons & several grandchildren. I think she probably spends a lot of time with them, & while that’s great for her…I think I might feel out of place.)
So…I guess it’s K’s for awhile & maybe Cache & Jul’s if I just don’t feel quite “right.” But I sure wish I was looking into getting my own place like you are! You’re entitled to lead the way! It’s been a long time for you. (I lived with several people after I got out of the hospital in 03. Each of the situations were so bad & temporary that I was in 4 different places in 5 months. I don’t want to end up like that again, & Anne…if I thought I’d have to live in a shelter or in substandard housing…I just might be suicidal. I’ve been through so much the last few years. Like you…I just want a little safe place of my own, & I don’t think that should be asking too much. It’s just going to take me some time. K wants me to give living with him a chance. I wonder if I’ll just decide to move out & in with Cache & Jul in a month or two?! Hell…I’ve lived here in my room-mate’s house for 1 1/2 years (but let’s not talk about how much suffering a woman has to tolerate!!!)
I better close for now. Hope to read more from you tomorrow!
Take care,
Love,
Lori
Hi, Lori & Anne, it’s been a while. Wow, so sorry to hear about all of the crap the two of you have been through! My first wife was a lot like that. After her first psychotic break, she drained the bank account (right before rent was due!) and flew to Las Vegas to visit her parents. She just upped and left with no warning while I was at work. When we finally reconciled, I was really good at spotting the warning signs (no one in her family believed that she was bipolar) and getting her in the hospital. She responded really well to lithium, but would go off her meds from time to time. I started actually giving her the meds and tried to make sure that she took them. She must have started to keep them in her cheek or something until I left the room and then spitting them out. Her last psychotic break was when she committed suicide.
Since I am a type II, I don’t have a true psychotic break, but after a few days of no sleep, I do start to see things “out of the corner” of my eyes. Very strange, some of the stuff is like horror movie things- pale figures that seem to flash by, etc… My psych is pretty conservative and is slowly increasing my meds. I am only on 75 mg of Lamictal, but will probably end up on 150-200 mgs eventually. I take 400 mgs of Neurontin and 50 mgs of Seroquel to help me get to sleep at night. It is sometimes not enough. I don’t mind not sleeping as there seems to always be something to do! lol
I guess that it is for the best that I am getting medicated since I do have some definite irritability issues- usually with our daughter or my mother-in-law. She lives with us and is actually schizo-effective. Another thing is that after the 4th or 5th day of no sleep, I then crash and have two days of sleeping 12 hours or more. My cycle is about every 3 to 4 weeks. Do either of you have the occasional drink? I had a couple of cocktails last night for the first time in a very long time. Anyway, when we went to our room last night, I could not settle down. I was literally tearing up the bed trying to burrow into the covers and everything. I was very antsy and jittery. I am out of town so I can’t really call my psych so I was wondering if either of you have any input on this. Thank you!
Hugs,
Warren