So afraid

Bipolar
#166

Hi Warren,

Good to hear from you! I can only think your reaction to alcohol was due to the meds you are taking. I no longer drink, all my meds tell me to avoid it.

I know if I go without sleep I start, like you, to see things that are not there. Also, when I don’t sleep for a few nights I know now that is a ‘sign’ I am going manic. I believe you wrote before regarding your wife committing suicide. When I am psychotic, I am not suicidal, it is when I am depressed that I think of suicide.

take care

Anne

#167

Hi Lori,

Maybe its a good thing you lost the number of your friend…its not easy ‘sharing’ an home with another woman. I am aware here that this is my friends home and I am only ‘staying’. I can not put roots down or change the decor or anything like that. Even, down to the fact that I like to sleep with the window open but my friend likes it closed. We share a bedroom because the computer is in the other bedroom. When I first came here the computer room was going to be ‘turned back’ into a bedroom for me, but that never happened. If I was you, I would not ‘share’ with another woman. I am scared of living on my own but I would not share with anyone. My friend is easy-going mainly and I still find it hard, because we have very different ideas of how we live. My friend is either on the computer or in bed and due to my depression I tend to just ‘lay around’ not good I know. I think if I had my own place I would have a routine of some kind that would make me feel better.

I understand your concerns about going to live at K’s house. The fact that he is hoping for a r/ship will put pressure on you. I guess you will just have to deal with that the best way you can. I would not worry about being on social security, I am sure you will get some kind of job. I also know what you mean about ‘living’ in one pair of jeans. I have two pairs of trousers, one black, one navy, and I live in those! I have lots of clothes that I left at the house I shared with the alcoholic but they are all size 10 and I am now a size 18…I hate it.

Great news! that your room-mate got your car fixed and I hope you go and get your bloods done. I missed my appointment yesterday for my bloods and now go next week.

We had a very large ‘tremor’ here in the UK at 1am this morning…I was still awake and thought I was imagining it but it was apparently 5.2 on the scale. We are not use to things like that in the UK so it is ‘big news’. Peanut was barking like mad and running up and down…bless him.

My son’s have ‘fallen out’ and I am trying to mediate between them…I feel sad about it because they only have me and each other. Its all to do with a computer program Andrew is doing and the fact that Ben would not help. It is hard because Andrew lives 250-300 miles away and he has made a new life there, but, I don’t want him and Ben to lose contact. I hope it will all ‘blow over’ and I will talk to Ben about it when I go on Friday night.

You said in one of your earlier posts about going without sleep when you are going psychotic…I am exactly the same and realize now that should be a ‘sign’ to me. Problem is I soon go psychotic and wonder if I will be able to ‘recognize’ that symptom if it happens again. I pray it never will for both of us!

I know, like me, you want a ‘safe place’ of your own and I feel you are going the right way to get there…just ‘use’ K’s for a ‘stepping stone’ and get a job sorted whilst you are there and get some money behind you.

Does K own the home he lives in or is it rented? It seems to me a lot of the property in the US is rented…here in the UK much of the property is owned and trying to find rented property is difficult.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Lori.

take care

love
Anne x

#168

Hi, Lori,

thank you for your response! Yeah, I think that she was more depressed than psychotic. It was strange. We had a conversation right before she did it. She asked me if I believed in God. That was what was strange as I am an atheist and have never hidden the fact so it was something that she already knew. I told her no and asked if she did. She said yes (another strange aspect because before her bipolar manifested she had always maintained that she was agnostic). When I asked her why, she said, “Because heaven is here on Earth.” I didn’t make the connection until it was too late- obviously!

I haven’t had too much problem with suicidal ideation, other than an episode about 4 years ago, since my mid-20s.

Depending on the age of your male friend with whom you are thinking of living, I would be extremely careful since he has made it clear that he wants a relationship. Some men (especially younger ones) have problems with self-control. Of course I don’t have as much of the background as Anne, but that is my 2 cents- just be careful.

Hugs,
Warren

#169

Hello Again My Friend!

I had my blood work done today, but the gynecologist prescribing it didn’t want to request a lithium level because he didn’t feel comfortable reading it! He said I should ask my psychiatrist to request it. Now it’s a little too late for that because I will see a different psychiatrist on Friday & he’ll be reading my file as if he’s just maintaining what’s already been documented. The most i can hope for is a renewed prescription for my lithium, although i have about an extra month’s supply anyway. I had been on 900mg, but since i went down to 600mg, I haven’t been doing too bad. I think the only way I’d go toxic at this level would be if I didn’t drink any water (or anything else either) & it was accumulating in my body. I will have to go to the local welfare office when i get to Colorado to get their state’s medicaid insurance (which supplements the federal medicare.) I suppose i will have to get a new driver’s license & change my car insurance to cover that area, too. That will more than likely mean an increase in my rates. I’ll get those things done & set up an appointment with a pdoc I used to have there. Hopefully he will do new blood work on me & then if I’m lucky I would like to have him help me go off the lithium & just be on an anti-anxiety med. That way I’m sure to get some decent sleep every night because that’s definitely a significant factor in not getting manic/psychotic. If that pdoc doesn’t want me off lithium, I’ll stay on it, but I’d like to try lamictal just once. I’ve been on all the other seizure meds for mood stability, & none of them have been as effective as lithium…but I hear that the weight gain isn’t a factor with lamictal & it works better for depression.

I seem to be going through some depression now myself. I just went through the rest of the boxes here of things I planned to sell, but didn’t. The consignment shop is going out of business…or I would have taken the rest of those things there. Instead I just went through & tossed many things in the trash & added a couple more boxes to the pile I have separated of things to pack in my car this weekend. It’s just very depressing to see that I have nothing left really to start again on my own. It makes me think of my ex-husband & how terribly selfish he was with our things in the divorce. I have a feeling that I’m better off out of that relationship because I spent more time in & out of the hospital since we married 6 years ago than I ever did in my earlier years or being married to my 1st 2 husbands (who were close to my own age.) It just makes me very skeptical of marrying again! I really like that “K” is so calm & secure & already knows I may have problems…but he doesn’t belittle me or make me feel abnormal. Yes, he owns his own home. It was the first one he ever purchased (2 years ago.) He’s done some nice things to fix it up, even before he moved into it. He’s a building contractor…so his tastes are very nice & I’m sure the work he’s done on it so far makes it beautiful. But you know…it isn’t my home, & as long as I stay with him I’ll still feel like I’m just “staying” or even “visiting.” As much as a friend as he’s been…I think we will probably have some type of intimacy…and I only hope that doesn’t freak me out! Maybe I’m just afraid of having a relationship with anybody…but I think if I was very attracted to him, there wouldn’t be this huge doubt in my mind. He already knows it may only last a couple of months & then I may move up North with cache & Julianna. I sure wish I could afford to rent my own place, but there’s no way I can do that there. The cost of housing in Colorado is very high & Cache pays more to rent a 1 bedroom flat than it would cost to pay the mortgage on owning a 3 bedroom town home here. Of course the jobs pay a little better there, but I can pretty much know that I won’t be able to purchase my own home again until my parents pass away. I’d rather them be alive & have to rent a cheesy apartment than to have an inheritance. I have an annuity & pension funds coming in about 6 or 7 years from the time I was married to cache’s Dad. That will be a nice bit of money, but I’ll be lucky to just buy a newer car with that. It won’t be enough to buy an home.

I think that it’s probably better that I lost my female friend’s number. We have very different lifestyles, too & I think I was just grasping at straws for where I’d go from here! I know how unhappy you are there, & it’s got so much to do with taking pride in where & how you live. Who we live with can drastically affect our moods. I have such a problem here at my room-mate’s because of his moodiness & drinking. He keeps the lights off or dim & will sit in a room watching tv that way. He also complained of how his ex-wife had all the lights on all the time, so I almost feel guilty turning a light on to read! And that lack of light is very depressing on it’s own, especially in the winter or when it’s dark & rainy outside. (Which reminds me…yesterday i took my walk w/the umbrella & sure enough! By the time I got to the point where i turn around to head home it was raining. It was pouring by the time i walked in the door! Today it’s windy & cold & I took a day off, but not without feeling guilty!)

My walking is starting to help, so maybe if you walk Peanut you’ll feel better, too. I think I’ve lost a few pounds, if the scale here is accurate. But it will be a long way before I can fit into my old clothes. Hopefully Julianna will come through for me when I get to Colorado. She used to weigh what I do now, but she’s put on a few pounds with her meds, too. She’s young & looks very vibrant & healthy from the photos they’ve sent. I hope I’ll feel good like that again. (“K” is 6’2" & weighs, are you reaady?!..265 pounds! He’s a very large man, & perhaps that’s got some bearing on my feelings…or lack of them. Now I don’t mean to sound superficial, but looks are somewhat important.)

It sounds like the tremor you had there was quite scary for poor little Peanut! I imagine since it’s a rarity it was a bit shocking for you, too! They happen here in the US, but mostly on the west coast (California.) I’ve seen tornadoes in Colorado from a distance & although there are hurricanes along the S.E. coast here…where I’m staying is a bit more inland & I haven’t had to experience that. I only pray that it doesn’t rain as it did yesterday when I leave on Monday (or on the rest of the journey!) I’m also not looking forward to the snow in Colorado…& March is supposed to be the snowiest month there. I suppose the best way to look at it is that as long as I still have some weight to lose I don’t have to worry about squeezing into a pair of shorts or something “skimpy” for a few months! There are so few cold days in Georgia…nothing like Colorado. I will only miss it a tiny bit, because summertime here is unbearably hot & humid & there are far too many bugs/mosquitoes here for me!

I read where you said you’d feel better on your own so you could have a developed routine. I think about how very little i’ve done since I’ve lived here. I feel like all I ever do is try to keep up with the kitchen he’s so bent on making a mess in! I If I lived alone, I would keep my place tidy & want to make improvements even. I wonder if i will ever feel that way living with “K” or if I will still feel as though I’m just a visitor. Guess I’ll find out! Wouldn’t it be nice if it was just so comfortable (emotionally) that I felt I could make my home, too? That’s what he’s hoping for, so I best give it a try. I called him today & he said he was going to have to go to the grocery store this weekend to “stock up” before I get there. It feels very nice to know that he’s my friend…& we both just want that to continue (even if I move out.)

Well Anne…I seem to gab a lot in these emails! I think I like sharing things with you & I always enjoy the way you respond. It’s as if I’m asking your opinion about things & your response validates my own feelings. I’m most certainly insecure about this trip & moving situation. And when you write of your situation there, I feel like I can just picture it. Although we are living with different people…both of us have problems with the situations.

I think it’s rather nice that you’re acting as a mediator for your sons! And as far away as Andrew is now…it’s probably very good for you to keep the contact up. My parents & sister & daughter live so very far from me. That distance in miles has put something of an emotional distance between us all, too. While it used to be nice that I didn’t have family hovering over me or judging me…now that I’m older & not married…I wish I could turn back time & be closer to my family. I was extremely close to my 1st 2 sets of in laws. The last set…well, I was 9 months older than my mother-in-law! So the age thing (among other things) made them dislike me. Now I look forward to meeting “K’s” parents who are in their 70’s. It’s time to get out of my own head for awhile & be a bit more social. I hope I can do this!

Take care & stay in touch! (Are you going to go look at that home next week!!! If I’m on the road for a few days I won’t know if you viewed it…but it’ll be kind of exciting to read an email from you in another state! I hope “K” doesn’t have a problem with me using his computer for a bit!)

More soon,
Love,
Lori

#170

Hello Warren,

Very good to hear from you. It must have been quite awhile since I wrote to you, but I’ve checked out some of the photos you placed here at CP, & they’re really quite good!

I also read your profile again. It’s so very sad that you lost your wife to suicide. I’m happy that you haven’t had a lot of years with depression. It’s such a negative emotion & affects everyone around us as well. I have lost an ex-fiance, several friends, & ex in-laws to suicide. It is very difficult to cope with & I find I tend to get manic around the anniversary of my ex-fiance’s suicide. So for me, it’s something to work on.

Where did you meet your current wife? She’s a doctor? How interesting! I suppose she would be better equipped to handle your mood disorder than most people!

Yes, I’m leaving for my journey back to CO on Monday & will be staying with my old boyfriend. He’s 11 months younger than I am (he’s 50) which is a far cry from my last marital situation! My ex-husband will be 30 in April. The 21 year age difference made for a lot of problems & I don’t think they were all about me having bi-polar disorder either. I have learned so much from that experience as to what NOT to get involved in! I feel very safe going to stay with my old boyfriend. Yes, he wants a relationship…but we’ve already had one about 10 years ago & all I can hope for is that since he’s been my friend above all else for 13 years…nothing will come between us on that level.

I’ve grown up so much & 10 years ago we were both into drugs. That ruined our friendship…but amazingly we both outgrew the drug scene & renewed our friendship about 4 years ago. I don’t want to sound like he’s going to be pushy or something. I guess you’d have to understand the situation I’m planning on leaving! My current room-mate is almost 52…& he’s far pushier than a young man would be because he drinks enough to give himself big balls (excuse me…but you know I mean it gives him audacity!) He’s flashed me & made innuendos & well…I don’t like to think about it all, but let’s just say he makes me very uncomfortable in several ways. He’s Bipolar II, but not taking meds. Top it off with alcoholism & his moods are far more apt to range along psychosis than mine, but I find that I have a very serious problem with anxiety here & that’s what’s driving me to get out of here!

I’m pretty sure that the next move will be much better for me. perhaps it will bring a new set of problems…but I can always move from there to my son’s. It will be a journey, no matter what happens! I guess I just have to accept that.

Well, I hope you are doing well in Washington! My parents live there 7 said it’s been very cold. (Were you from Texas? I don’t remember. I know you made a pretty big move, too. So I guess you know I’m more than a little scared to be driving over 1600 miles on my own, but I’m pretty excited!)

Take care,
Lori

#171

Hi Anne,

I loaded my car up today & will make dinner now, take a bath & do my nails, & try to get some sleep. I’ll set my alarm for 6 am. Although my room-mate isn’t thinking I’ll get up, I believe I will because i want to leave so badly! I won’t have to put makeup on or anything. I’ll drive up to 13 hours before i look for a hotel. Shouldn’t have to spend more than one night in a hotel if i’m able to drive as much as I hope!

I’m still feeling so strange regarding going to “K’s” house that I’ve told Cache I may just spend the first night at his house & then drive up the following day since it will be fairly late. I just don’t want to feel I have to sleep with K. He’s a wonderful friend, but I think I’ll be better off if I just go up to my son’s. I just don’t want to “fake” something & frankly the past couple of years have been terrible for me, trying to live with my ex & now this crazy room-mate. But you know me…I may change my mind (although it’s doubtful.)

Anyway, I miss hearing from you & I look forward to getting back at a computer so we can stay in touch! I’m excited about my trip & a little nervous, but so very anxious to be leaving here (the room-mate is drunk again, of course, & he’s also panicky & edgy…makes me more than a little nervous!)

You take care & please keep me in your prayers! (You’re in mine, too!)

Love,
Lori

#172

Hi Lori,

GOOD LUCK…so sorry I did not get on the computer in time to write before you left…I thought you was going on the 3rd!
You are in my prayers and I look forward to hearing from you when you get to Colorado!

Lots of love

Anne x x

#173

Hi Anne,

Don’t feel too bad about not writing before I left…I feel sort of lost where I’m staying (at K’s) because his computer is solely for his business use & it requires a password to get on (meaning I have to ask permission, & I believe he’s afraid I will lose his work files.) So…being a person who enjoys the computer as a pastime, I’m pretty much just sitting around here watching boring t.v. all of the time.

I left a day early because I had had my fill of the other room-mate situation. I had car problems about halfway out of Georgia, where the car started to die as if running out of gas. But I stopped & added engine treatment, & it made it almost through the entire trip without another problem. By the eve of the 3rd, I was in CO, about 90 miles from K’s house. I stopped for gas & shortly after leaving the station it did that die out thing again. It was dark & extremely cold. I called K & Cache. Then I was getting ready to have it towed by my insurance company, but K told me to let it rest & try again. I did, & it made it all the way here. I was pretty upset that K wanted me to stay another night in a hotel & that at 8:30 at night he said he’d have to shower & get gas in his own vehicle before he could pick me up & that it would take a couple of hours to get me. Cache & Jul, on the other hand, were ringing me every 5 minutes & prepared to get in their car & come get me (even though it would have been more miles for them to drive…they were ready to go right then & would have picked me up. So…I just feel that that situation helped me decide where to live!

Jul is speaking with the landlord at their complex in order to get a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom unit. Hopefully she can take care of that on Monday & we’re looking at a move in date of next Saturday.

I unloaded all of the belongings in my car here at K’s so perhaps the car would run smoother if I go anywhere. I’m hoping when I move up to Loveland that Cache will bring his work truck so I can drive the car up unloaded.

Of course since being here I have slept in the same bed with K (since it is his only bed.) It’s pretty icky though because he’s so LARGE! I started out wearing p.j.'s, but Jul brought me some clothes & I now where a sweat pants type of p.j. every night. It’s partly my modesty & to prevent any unwanted advances…but mostly because it is downright freezing in CO & K keeps his heat off during the day & only turns it up to sleep at night (pretty backwards I think!) So, once again I’m biding my time until I can move. It’s not a terrible environment…but it’s not without it’s problems. Perhaps I was only meant to make a journey with relatively small increments of improvements!

I feel a little more dependent on Cache & Jul than I would like…but after all it is family & that will just make things easier to work through. And I just adore Julianna! She is just so incredibly sweet & extremely intelligent! I will always see Cache as my son, but I think I can quite easily develop a friendship with Julianna. I don’t know Anne…I’m not immune to perhaps wanting a relationship again one day, but to think I’d be happy with a ready-made one from so long ago (when it really wasn’t what I wanted even then…well, I guess I’m not all that surprised.)

I’m prepared to have to go to the local welfare office & social security office in Cache’s town, because I tried here & being a different county, they won’t assist me. Therefore I am anxious to move & make that happen. I was able to get a temporary state driver’s license & the permanent one will be mailed to Cache’s address.

I really want to sell my car now, although I’m thinking if it will just survive a few more months so I can obtain employment it would be my hope. I know Cache will need some money from me to start out with the increased rent, & I’ll be stretched mighty thin until I can work.

How are things there? Have you been able to look at the new rental house? If it didn’t work out, I’m sure something else will come along. I think we have to learn to be pretty flexible with where we live sometimes. I can get used to most situations very easily, but after staying with someone who was not addressing his own problems for a year & a half I’ve decided that I won’t allow myself to be in another self-defeating arrangement for nearly that long (ever again!)

I hope that Ben & Emma are doing well & you’re continuing your regular tea visits!! They so remind me of Cache & Julianna & I just have always had a feeling of acceptance from them. You must get that, too.

Cache showed me a photo on his cell phone of his biological mother. She’s schizophrenic. She’s emaciated & just looks terrible. The group home that she was in has been closed down for lack of funding & several ill people are living together without assistance. I understand she’s also done prostitution, although no one is certain of that. It just seems so sad to me & all I can think of is how much gratitude I have towards Cache for allowing me to stay with them & offering assistance. I dread being homeless or poverty stricken & I suppose that fear is what will motivate me to find a job. I sure hope I’m up for it!

Well, I should check my e-mail & on-line bank account & get off the computer. (I had fun emailing you while it lasted! Cache & Jul have 2 computers & I can’t see them being stingy about me using them! After the basic needs are met, perhaps I can save up for a computer of my own again. We’ll see!)

Take care & let me know how things are going with you. All’s well with the lithium? I get tired of K saying ,“You’re shaking!” Well…my response is that it’s the lithium…but the truth is that it’s the lack of heat in his house! Cache & Jul aren’t as large & I’m sure they don’t hibernate like this! I think it would be easier to speak my mind about thermostats if I’m paying a portion of the rent/utilities…too!)

I love you & truly pray that things are getting better for you!

Love Always,
Lori

#174

Hi Lori,

I’m so very pleased to hear from you and congratulations on making that long journey back to Co…even if the car did ‘play up’ a little.

I’m sorry to hear things are not so good at K’s…but I think you knew that was going to be the case. You had so many doubts. It is terrible there is only one bed and that straight away puts pressure on you. I am pleased Cache and Julianna have come through for you and I pray they can get a 2 bed apartment real soon!

Things are much the same here. I have not viewed the house yet, it should be sometime this week.
I am going to Ben and Emma’s today. They are both well and I love them so much. I continue to take the lithium and hope for an increase once my blood tests are back.

I am just so pleased to hear from you, it is wonderful.

Take care & good luck

love
Anne x

#175

Hi Anne,

It was wonderful to get on the computer (I have to ask permission & K then puts his password in before I can use the computer…plus he then comments that it will tie up the phone line for his business contacts.) Just another reason to stay with cache & Julianna. They have 2 computers & I’m sure they can set them up so the password is automatic. I’ve had problems checking my bank account online here, too, because K’s computer won’t accept cookies (keeps the spam away, but also means I can’t access my account.)

It was even better to finally hear from you. I guess I’m more into our on-line friendship then I could ever be developing a deeper friendship with K. You are so very important to me & it keeps me sane to be able to communicate with you.

It is so cold in K’s house. Yes, CO is so much colder than GA…but K is a very large man & maybe he doesn’t need the heat as much as i do. He keeps most of the windows slightly open to get rid of cigarette smoke, which I understand…but I think I’ll be happier with Cache & Jul & stepping outside for a smoke. I’ll probably smoke so much less & not be as frightfully cold all day. The thermostat is set for 60 in the daytime & 65 at night. I wear a jacket all day in the house.

The good news is that I offered to sleep on the couch & the next day when I mentioned to K that I’d be going up to Cache’s he suggested I sleep on a foam “eggcrate” in the other bedroom because he knew I felt uncomfortable & that in turn made him uncomfortable. So for the past few nights I’ve been sleeping on that mat (& a carpeted floor) but quite honestly I prefer it!

Jul has been looking into the 2 bedroom place & the one she looked at already got rented, but this week they hope to put down a deposit on another one & Cache will bring his work truck down on Wednesday (2 days!!!) to load up the things that were in my car & I’ll drive up to their place, following him. I think they’ll try to move this weekend, but Wednesday - Friday I’ll sleep on their sofa. If they can move their own things & my things this weekend, at least I’ll have a bedroom of my own around people who don’t make me feel uncomfortable!

I got a hold of a lady that I had stored an antique bedframe, mattress, boxsprings, & armoire with. She still has my things & although she’ll be out of town until the 20th, at least I know I’m going to be getting my bed back! So for living comfort, I’ll have something to start with.

I have all of my social security info handled, but will still have to go to social services for medicaid insurance & food stamps when I move up north. I tried to call the old doctor I used to have & there is another intake process that’s 4 hours long on Wednesday. I guess I’ll just wait until I get to Cache & Jul’s because I don’t even know where to drive for these services & they can direct me.

Jul has mentioned helping me find a job, either at the hospital she works at or a hotel or just in my initial search. I really want to get into a new pdoc as soon as possible when I get there…even before I’ll feel comfortable looking for a job. They’re okay with that, but I’m sure it will cause me a lot of anxiety to begin with. It’s an area of CO I haven’t lived in for quite sometime & it may be awhile before I adjust.

I’m so glad you will be spending some time with Ben & Emma again. Isn’t it wonderful to have family like that? I just have a sense of safety & security when I think about living with Cache & Jul. And of course I don’t want to let them down, so it’s going to be some work to be happy instead of so anxious, but maybe it will also be motivating. I haven’t worked in 2 years & I just can’t tell you how afraid I am. Julianna only works PT…& she completely understands that I may not be ready to do anything more than PT, either.

You’ve said how wonderful Ben & Emma look together, & I see Cache & Julianna as such a good (for each other) couple like that, too. I sort of wonder if I’ll ever have a “boyfriend” again. With the last few years I haven’t done so well with relationships or even platonic living situations. I’m not dwelling on it, but it’s just a curiosity. After an episode like i had last year or the year before I feel like I’d just like to regain stability & routine. Beyond that I often feel like I’m not worthy of a relationship. (Or in the case of the last 2 living situations, that I’m just not attracted to the person I’m staying with. But perhaps that’s just a sign that my judgment is good & I’m not manic.)

Well, there’s nothing for me to do much here. I ordered a book that came to K’s & I finished it last night. I’m watching every penny, but I think I’ll go to the store & buy another book. Just something to pass the time with since K does nothing but TV. (His Dad had hip surgery, so he’s been to the hospital & just went back. I’ve been here a week & not until today did he place a spare key outside for me. I was locked out so many times at the last place that it just makes me not want to go anywhere, but now’s a good time to buy a book & fill my car with gas again so it’ll will be ready for the Wednesday trip.

Let me know how it works for you when you view the rental home! This will be a busy week I suppose for us both! (How cold is it in the UK now? I’m only asking because it’s been a more difficult adjustment than I thought it would be moving from the south, back to the midwest.)

As always, I look forward to hearing from you & I pray everything will work out for you!

Love,
Lori

#176

Hi Lori,

Just wrote quite a long reply then the page switched to another page and I had to ‘log’ back in, so annoying!

I am pleased that you are moving out of K’s…it must have been very uncomfortable for you. But we never know how things will turn out until we try them. You are lucky that Cache and Jul are there for you and I am so pleased they are also.

Its good news that you will be getting your old bed back also. I must admit almost 5 years on and I miss my bed. Since then I have slept in so many beds and also on the ‘streets’, but still I remember the ‘comfort’ of my old bed.

I am sure when you have got settled in with Cache and Jul in a 2 bed apartment and got your pdoc sorted, other things will be easier to do. Getting a job will be an easier task once you know where you are living and have the right support.

Are you getting used to the cold yet? It is not too bad here and it really feels like spring is in the air!

I have not viewed the house yet and I am hoping I got my phone call in to the agents early enough. I think there will be many ppl ‘after’ the house, so hope I get to view it.

My friend’s been a bit ‘off’ with me today and I think it is because Peanut is doing a fair amount of ‘damage’ to certain furnishings in the house. He is a puppy and they do these things. I sometimes feel ‘uncomfortable’ here and I think that is because, maybe, m friend would like her own ‘space’ again. I think I am ready to live alone,it is just getting a suitable home. I could get an house tomorrow, but not in a ‘good area’ and I want to feel safe.

I had my hair cut today, it was long now its short…I was fed up of trying to make it look nice at least now I can wash and leave it.

How did K react to your news that you were moving out? I think he was hoping for a r/ship with you…at least that’s how it sounds.

I will close for now Lori…maybe you will read this at Cache’s and not feel you are ‘intruding’ on someones PC!

take care

love
Anne x

#177

Hi Anne,

Here I am in Cache & Julianna’s flat feeling so much more comfortable! Jul drove to K’s yesterday afternoon to help bring up a box of clothes that wouldn’t fit in my car. She’s so intelligent & charming & I feel very close to her already. They have a little Corgi dog that I adore, although he’s a little hyper…but just still a puppy.

I applied for medicaid (a supplemental insurance to medicare) today. Had to come back to the apartment for some social security info, but if I don’t earn too much on disability they will issue me a card within 10-45 days. I called my old doctor & looked up a bunch of local doctors in the phone book. I finally got some help through my old doctor’s office about a clinic in the northern area I’m staying at. Cache & Jul took today off so we went out to breakfast & they checked on another 2 bedroom flat. They just left again to go take money out of the bank for the deposit! Looks like we’ll be moving on Saturday & cleaning their old apartment on Sunday. I still feel a little uncomfortable sleeping on their couch & sharing a bathroom, but after we move I’ll have my own room & can sleep on the carpet with lots of blankets until we can arrange to move my old bed up here. It’s so beat up, but like you…I remember it fondly! I haven’t slept on it in over 4 years…but I haven’t slept very well in that time either. Maybe the bed will make a huge difference.

I also called & found a clinic nearby that accepts medicare, since i don’t have any other insurance or even medicaid right now. Tomorrow when Cache & Jul are at work I’ll drive there & do an intake & set up an appt. with a new pdoc. I don’t know why I’m freaking out so bad since all I’m on is lithium, but the whole move is still a bit of a shock. Jul gave me an anti-anxiety med last night & I slept like a baby! Hopefully my new doc will let me have some of those!

Well…it’s not like living alone & I still feel like I’m a guest (they are young & need their privacy…& I think I’d like mine too (if I felt more social.)

They just left to pay the deposit so in a couple of days it will be hectic but in a way we’ll all be starting over again in a new place.

It’s still cold here, but spring should be coming soon & they don’t leave all their windows open or keep the heat so low. I think I got the shakes at Kenny’s partially because he made me nervous! He wasn’t really angry that I left but I could tell he wasn’t pleased. Oh well…I won’t be moving or feel forced to until I’m ready & I like that.

As for work… I think if I can get some anti-anxiety meds I might be a lot better off when it comes to working. I just feel apprehensive about it & it’s overwhelming, but Cache & Jul will help me find something soon I think.

I just feel so foreign, but Julianna’s presence & being on a bunch of meds & still functioning gives me hope!

I wish you luck with the new home! If it doesn’t work out keep looking. I know you’ll feel better because a bad room-mate situation is almost the worst thing I’ve had to deal with too!

Better close & get ready to pay the pizza guy! Tomorrow I’ll get a few things to make some dinners with, but tonight is pizza!!

As always I hope you’re doing well! Hang in there with the lithium!

I love you,
Lori

#178

Hi Lori,

So pleased that you are at Cache and Jul’s…hope it all works out and you get the 2 bed flat this w/end.

It will be good for you to get your bed back…bet you sleep better when you do. You must feel a huge sense of relief to be someplace where you feel comfortable. Its good, also. that you have a dog for company again, they make all the difference…whats the puppy’s name?

I feel this is a good move for you and the first step to getting a place of your own, that may take some time, but like you say there is no hurry.

I look forward to living on my own and provided it is the right place I feel I will be ok. When I first came to live here at my friends I could not imagine living alone. So I suppose I have come quite a way in a year.

I went to Ben and Emma’s last Friday night and they are both well and studying hard. Andrew and Ben are still not talking and that makes me feel sad. I want them to be there for each other, Andrew is very stubborn, and will not make the first move. I got a lovely teddy bear off Ben for Mothers day, with I love mum on a little heart pillow, and also a Mum mug with a little verse on…I will treasure them. I have to re-build all the keepsakes after losing them all!

I get so bored and wish I could work again…but I get a ‘wage’ on disability, and worry that if I try to work again I will fail, and have to go through the claiming again.

I hope you take some time to get established and feel comfortable before you get a job. Like I said before you need time to heal…I’m sure you will with Cache and jul…they sound so nice.

Sadly, I never even got to view the house…the first person who saw it, took it. So I am still looking and hopefully something good will come along shortly. I need to get a place that is right for me because I don’t want to be moving again.

I’ll close now Lori…I feel so much better knowing you are ‘safe’!

take care

love
Anne x

#179

Hi Anne,
I’m so sorry to hear you didn’t get into the nice house you wanted, but perhaps something better will come along! As long as you feel the next one is right then hopefully you’ll be there for quite some time. I don’t like to move that much either, although the next move will be nice because I can actually lay my clothes out & not have to dig through a box or suitcase! I’ll have my own bathroom, too…& that will make a world of difference.

Cache has said, "Mom, this should be the last move you have to make & it should get you on your feet again. I don’t think they’re pressuring me to get a job & move out. I know I will do that to myself, I’ve tried to find a new doctor & few accept medicare, so Julianna is doing research while she works at the hospital & will bring those home. I can get in to see her pdoc, but it will be self pay & very expensive. I’m already feeling like I need to see someone soon, although I’m probably just nervous from making a transition. My lithium will hold out for another 6 weeks or so, but I really feel like I need something more for anxiety. Jul gave me an ativan the other night & I slept so good! Then I wake with that creepy anxiety & depression mix & wonder if my life is going to be like this forever. That’s when I can’t even think about getting a job again. I’m too anxious! But after I get into the pdoc, maybe I’ll settle in. I hope so!

I plan on saving everything from here on out, too! Anything that’s given to me (clothes from Jul…gifts along the way.) It’s all about rebuilding again. You can do it, as can I…though it’s nice to share that with you because it may take us quite some time.

I should close. Cache is home & I made some chili. I still need to learn how to use their computers & TV…I feel so inept!

Enjoy your time with Ben & Emma! Our children will see us through somehow!

Oh! The dog is a male penbroke corgi! “Gizmo.” He’s got those stubby little legs & I’ve grown fond of him already! I like to take him for a walk just to smoke!!! Of course my smoking is still a problem for me!

Gotta go! Take care & I’ll write again soon!

Love,
Lori

#180

Hi Lori,

‘Gizmo’ sounds so cute and I am sure he loves going for walks with you, while you have a smoke. I remember you saying Cache and Jul don’t smoke so I suppose that’s quite hard for you. I smoke so much I am shocked at myself, but it is another thing I will sort out when I get moved.

I went to Ben and Emma’s on Friday night and they are both fine. Ben asked me if I would like to go out to lunch with them on Easter Sunday, so we are going to my Mums favourite place. It is a little seaside town nearby and we will have lunch and then walk around the market and have an ice cream. I am still just going through the ‘motions’ although I do feel a little better. I am sure the lithium is working, I have ‘run out’ and need to get a drs appointment asap. I guess that is what I am like at times I just let things ‘run out’ instead of going and getting it sorted. I must admit not getting to even view that house, knocked me back a little. I have put an advert on the local web page for houses wanted and had a few replies but the houses are not in ‘good’ areas and I have to live in a ‘good’ area. I will be too anxious otherwise.

I just want to find a place to live that I can make my home…somewhere I want to be. I have registered with 27 estate agents so surely something will come up.

Hows things going for you? have you moved into a 2 bed apartment yet? I think about you a lot and wish we lived near enough to each other to actually meet for a coffee and a good chat…that would be so nice. Are you staying in touch with K? I just wondered because you have been friends for quite awhile.

I am so pleased you have found a living situation that make you feel safe and secure. With Cache and jul’s support I am sure, when the time is right, you will find employment and eventually your own place to live. When I came here to my friends I thought I would only be here for a few months and now it is one year! I rang an estate agent on Friday, they own their own houses, and she said they still have ‘flood victims’ in many so I will just keep ringing.

I’ll close for now Lori, know that you are in my thoughts and I treasure our friendship.

take care

love
Anne x

#181

Hi Anne,

Yes, Gizmo is so very cute & he would probably like me more if I did walk him a lot! I usually just go out on the patio to smoke, & being on the 2nd floor (the new apartment) I’m getting quite winded to go up & down the steps! But I suppose I’ll adjust to the altitude & cold (it snowed 4" last night & I didn’t even have a scraper!) I already love having my own room & bathroom & Julianna is just the sweetest & most helpful young woman! I’m so happy my son found her because it means he will be better able to understand my BP disorder.

I saw a new pdoc today for the 1st time & I’m not sure if I like him so far or not. I did get a prescription for an anti-anxiety med!!! Of course i filled that as soon as possible! But he wants me to continue 600mg lithium & start titrating up on lamictal, too. I also have seroquel if i need it for sleep, but I don’t think I’ll need it. So I see him again in a couple of weeks to get my blood levels checked & see how the new meds are doing. If I get accepted to medicaid I may have to switch back to the local clinic situation. I’m just not “settled” yet & so I very well know what you mean with going through the motions.

There was a job to work at a pet supply store here & I’m going to look into that & also into anything else that is sort of low key (where i can wear jeans.)

I’m already broke…& that will probably drive me to get a job. Whether or not I’ll be happy with it is another thing!

I’m sorry you missed out on your rental home, but if you’re registered with 27 agents…surely you will find something soon! Be my leader & let me watch you get out on your own! I have my doubts about living alone again & I was telling Jul it is due to financial as well as relationship feelings. I just forgot how to do it!!!

I better close for now. Your seaside Easter breakfast sounds grand! I too wish we were together for coffee (or tea!) & perhaps alot of nicotene (LOL!) I’d like to see you & chat in person. Maybe one day I’ll get another computer & a web cam (which aren’t too expensive) & we can have some fun (& funny!) conversations!

Take care & let me know how you are! (I’m not real good about taking my full lithium dose…so that’s why I won’t be running out anytime soon…but the only prescription I won’t want to run out of Klonopin! I hope you get your lithium script refilled because you say it works so well for you!)

You’re in my thoughts & prayers (& I hope it’s warmer in the UK than here! 37 degrees today.)

Love,
Lori

#182

Hi Lori,

Glad to hear you got your anti-anxiety med…hope it helps. Congratulations on the new apartment and having your own bathroom…that must be so much better!

I have not got my lithium yet, get it in morning. I have noticed a ‘difference’ not taking it this last few days, maybe I’m just very sensitive to it. My lithium level is 0.7 mg so that’s pretty good for 400mg a day. I use to be on a lot more and my level use to be 0.8mg…so think I am doing good.

I must admit today I feel so very down and ‘cold’…my memory of my past is so painful and I feel I am never going to find a new home. My friend is annoyed about Peanut and the fact that he has ‘chewed’ the bottom of her bed. I said “well he is a puppy” but she replied “I did not know you would be here with him this long”…I feel crap about this, and know I have to find somewhere soon!
I have been in touch with the housing council about a 1 bed flat…but they still have me ‘banned’ from 2005 when I did some damage to that flat I was locked in by that ‘strange’ man. I have explained I was very ill at that time, but it appears to be falling on deaf ears…I will continue to try.
I e-mailed 27 agents and have only heard back off two…guess it could be because I am unemployed and many say no DSS…Dept of Social Security. Oh! Lori…I feel so very low and think much of it is because of my friends comments…seems like she is ‘blaming’ Peanut for much of the damage in her house…some of it is her dogs…urinating all over! I have not even ‘trained’ Peanut yet, it seems pointless when the other dogs use the house like a toilet and he ‘covers’ their ‘smells’.

Sorry my friend, I sound so negative, but feel it is time I was gone and at the moment there is nowhere to go to. When I feel like this I just want to go ‘home’…back to when I had my own comfortable and much loved space. I even thought today about going back in the ‘hostel’ and letting my friend re-home Peanut. If she continues to make comments I may do that.
Great is it not…51 years of age and the only place I feel I can go is an homeless hostel!

Tell me about the new apartment…is it nice? can you ‘do up’ your room and make it real cozy? Hearing good news from you will do me good. I will continue to ‘look’ for a place and hope one comes real soon and that I will have good news for you. It would be good if one day we get webcams and can ‘link’ up and by then I will hopefully be able to ‘laugh’ again.
I am so happy that you have found a safe place.

take care
love
Anne xx

#183

Hi Lori,

I went to view a house on Thursday in the area that Ben and Emma live. It is 3 bedroom with a lounge with georgian doors leading into a dining room…another set of georgian doors leading to a large yard. A fitted kitchen and a downstairs bathroom with bath and shower. All newly decorated with new carpets throughout. I have agreed to take it and I am of course nervous. But, things here are no good and it is time for me to take control. My reasoning is the house is ‘just round the corner’ to all the shops you will ever need and I can therefore buy all my furniture etc.

In other words ‘build an home’ again. It will give me time alone, and I need that at the moment. The house ticked all the boxes, except the garden and so I will buy a large variety of out door pots to fill with different flowers and shrubs. Like I say all the shops I need are just around the corner. It is not a bad area just a residential street and I intend to keep myself to myself. Emma came with me to view it and she thinks it is lovely! Emma also said she will help me ‘get it all together’. Now I must be real strong Lori and ‘go ahead’ with this one…the living situation here is wrong and I have to get away. I may only stay in the house a year or so and try and get one where I really want…but they are not coming up at the moment and when they do they are way over my budget.

I remember Bip saying we have to learn how to be humble. I guess I have learned that lesson. It will be a week before I get the keys and I think a couple more before I move in. I’m excited and it will be nice to be ‘close by’ Ben and Emma, they have already said they will be coming for dinner once a week. And Emma is interested in coming to tai chi classes with me once a week. Well, I have ‘done it’ now my friend and must stay positive and thankful that I have found an home. I can’t wait to make the bathroom ‘cosy’ and have long bubble baths. I also can’t wait to not smell the smell of dog urine. I will train Peanut when we get there. Although, you are not suppose to have dogs…I’m not telling them! To be honest I’m ‘freaking’ out inside…I will have so much to do. I just hope I can make it feel like my ‘home’…somewhere I will feel safe. If I don’t settle there I can wait the 6 months tenancy out and then ‘move’ again. At least by then I will have all my furniture etc.

Gosh,I have to buy pots and pans, a suite, a bed, wardrobe, drawers and other things…this is going to ‘challenge’ me totally. My mantra is ‘I must stay strong’…lol. Its funny I get this feeling because it is very near Ben and Emma (a short walk) that I will feel more ‘safe’ there then on the outskirts. I have to make a move Lori, I cannot go on living here when things are uncomfortable at times. I also know that I cannot keep ‘backing out’ of houses and now is the time to make the first move!

Hope all is well with you…lots of love.

Anne x

#184

Hi Sweetie,

I am so sorry you are so sad! and depressed. Your life doesn’t sound very good right now. I am glad to hear you are out of that guys house however, and that you are still alive. I was worried about you, and now I am worried some more about you. I just wish I could go there and get you and bring you home with me to help you take care of you.

I’m doing ok these days. I’ve gone through a really bad episode of mania as my meds weren’t working for me; so now I’m on different ones; and I’m not sure they are going to work either. I’m so lethargic, however, after being as manic as I was for so long, any thing could be lethargic for me. Any way, I wish you all the “good” you can find in life, sweety. Sometimes we have to look for it really hard; and then we may not see it! I know I’ve been there.

Any way, I love you,
ike

#185

Hi Bip (ike),

Anne here…so good to hear from you again. I have started a new thread to Lori now…titled Hello Lori. It is a week since I have heard from Lori and I do worry about her. Hopefully she will ‘check in’ soon. Sorry to hear you have not been well. I was wondering where you had gone!

love

Anne x